Sick

I haven't been this sick in years... Hot, cold, both ends, migraine, sweating frozen needles of fire, coughing burning chunks lava so often my ribs and I feel like I've pulled a hernia. my eyes ache, my joints ache, my body feels like a bag of gravel under a truck tire...

I left my life somewhere and i cant seem to find it. i have been looking. my life was on a fast track to success, work hard, play hard and look to the future. always had my eye on what was next, expanding, saving, enjoying... this past year my life had changed considerably. started going to the gym, watching what i put into my body, staying away from bars and cutting out daily shots when i got home. healthy body was leading to healthy mind. i was working my same job and tripled my efforts at my other job, all the while trying to maintain a homelife with new additions and and on and off again mother in law living in the back yard. i welcomed the idea, fuck that, fully embraced the idea of a bigger family, my cousin moved out from Canada, cheeses mom, (like i said) was back from her escape in saudi arabia and was staying with us off and on. we had become a medium sized commune. with everyone doing their part and trying not to step on anybody elses toes...
sounds utopic... i guess it wasn't. i did my fucking damnedest to make everyone happy within the situation, i felt like i was doing the best i could. i took charge as head of household, not the boss or dictator but the one person who was going to make sure everyone could talk to and approach. i didn't always have the answers and couldn't make every ones wish come true, but goddamn it, i was going to break a hundred thousand dollars this year and we were all going to reap the benefits as a family!
it was fucking stressful at times, towards the end of the season i had a daily rotation of employees to manage, organize, feed, drive around and pay. harmony in the house started to degrade. demands were made upon me i couldn't abide, it wasn't good for the business and it wasn't good for my soul. in May i had proposed a vacation at the end of October, "first check we receive, we are all getting on the next plane to Hawaii, that minute!" well, the end of October came and went, trip plans got changed and the amount of people who were allowed to go changed. fine, whatever, i worked out new details, spoke the people involved, the invited and uninvited and arranged new dates and plans. November arrived and alls i could think about was getting the fuck off the mountain, i set up some tentative guidelines for departure, got some reliable house/dog/chicken/cat/fish sitters lined up and on board and wham. no Hawaii. no trip, no vacation, just nothing....
the day we where to leave for ten days for Kauai, cheese moved out, well she had already begun the process weeks earlier, but this was the day she had a truck full of boxes and began packing them and filling her truck... i sat there speechless staring at an online scrabble game i was distracting myself with and soon left the house in disbelief...
this is where my life ended as i knew it... now i live in this part of California called limbo. its a shit hole of a place. i wouldn't recommended coming here and do your best to stay away... Ive been living in limbo since the beginning of November. its up to me to leave this place but there are no roads out. no planes, no trails just a large abyss surrounding this place.
cheese and i have spent some time trying to work out a few things, it usually ends up with me getting yelled at and an agreement on some more time and space.. more space beyond the abyss is not what i need. there are things my mechanical mind is having a hard time coming up with anyway to fix. the problem keeps changing, the longer im here in limbo, the more the problems change. we are at the point where we just try to hang out once and a while, just be, enjoy each others company, watch a movie on t.v. etc. without fighting.
i took on all her problems as my own these years, when i added my cousins and cheeses mother problems, i did so happily. shuttling people around, fixing various vehicles, buying new vehicles, lending money, giving money, providing safe and secure living quarters for all. i took it all on, my shoulders are huge, i took it.
and took it. and took it. and took it.... yet at the end of it all, i am the asshole. the one who ruined everything.
when i asked for help for cheese from the mother in law i became an even bigger asshole. she turned the corner, stuck out her proverbial middle finger at me and began counseling her daughter in a way that was perhaps not healthy for our relationship. this advice came from a woman who, well, never mind... i don't want to be the one who talks badly about someone and their lifes choices... im better than that, fuck you connie.
after six years with cheese our relationship had changed, lots for the positive and some for the worse as well. if someone tells your their "anything" is perfect, then well, you know... but there were things we were/are both wanting that we didn't get. we didn't make love often and that is a big problem, i don't know why and to this minute i still try to figure out why... why we didn't, why night after night i said no, i am definitely attracted to her, cheese is beautiful and womanly, but still there was something... i have this sense that she didn't like me as a person, but loved me as a man.. i dunno.
as i sit in what is now left of the home we shared and stare off into the walls, i spend hours contemplating what is wrong with me... how is everything i did/do wrong. how can i not know what an asshole i am... when i point the finger at my self in the mirror upstairs in the bathroom it just doesn't feel right. how can all my feelings be wrong. how can i be so confused about things... from the outside i am a fucking hero, a family man, bread winning, hardworking, funny, approachable dude. how can i not be that on the inside...
so now when i look around for my life, i don't know what direction to look in. i cant seem to think of a life with her and the girls, but i cant think of it going back to what it was and hating myself for being this person Ive been told that Ive become. i rush home everyday still, i am drawn to those ten acres and house on the mountain. although what once was a warm happy place is now a kennel of piss and dog shit. my old infirm kidney failing pit bull and his gay lover charlie are always happy to see me. but this is what my life is now? i clean piss off floors so i can sit on my own couch and stare off into space? why not let them outside during the day when you're at work? well as boys do, they run off and play. my neighborhood doesn't lend itself to lose dogs running amok. neighbors with shotguns, neighbors with wolves as pets and wild animals bigger than they are looking at them as lunch, yeah no... id rather clean my dog kennel of a living room and have them be safe.

the holidays are coming and i feel a good bender coming. perhaps after christmas when i am expected to answer the phone a hundred times and make a hundred phone calls... perhaps after a mind cleansing bender i may be able to see the light. doesn't sound right but everything else Ive been trying doesn't seem to work either...

I live my life

My pit bull is slowly wasting away, he is fifteenish, sixteen? I can tell you he is three girlfriends old. That's how I used to measure time, but now my memory like my life Is fading. Beau, my dog is suffering from more than effects of old age. He's got more stitch marks in him than frankenstien, he's had heart worms since he was threeish. Now he suffers from anemia because of that. His kidney failure is also awesome! I love mopping up pee every day when I get home from work! I'm doing well by him by watching his diet and trying to get him to eat everyday day. As soon as I find something he likes to eat he changes his mind and goes on hunger strike. Days without eating, moping about... Charlie, my other half dog, yellow lab, takes advantage of these weekly protests and eats the high fat, quality protein, no salt, salmon oil laced dog food I try and provide. I have no issues with this, other than he is gaining weight. He's 107 lbs at his last vet appointment. Good boy!
All this said, I fucking love this Dog and I bet he lives a long time. Stoked except sometimes I feel like I live in a goddamn kennel.

Otra dia menos

One thing is for sure I don't know if blogging from a cell phone feels the same. I don't have a computer at home that works.
When I started "the voices" it was just me in the nothingness of the blogosphere. No comments, no followers, no links, just me hating myself, near suicide, just venting. This blog and the people I've met through it brought me to a realization that not only wasn't i the only person escaping into the abyss of confessions into the unknown but that my words and thoughts could be appreciated by people from all walks of life.
This blog had a big part in turning my voices into something fun and positive. I found myself being creative and enjoying comments. I soon enough craved them, I blogged for the sake of comments, I checked for them compulsively.
I rarely checked for spelling or punctuation and capitalized everything and swore profusely. I've been a part of peoples lives who have made impacts on me and hopefully I've done the same... But I've lost something through it all. The grit, the angst... the meaning?
I really did enjoy writing, I'm fucking good at it, better than some and don't care if anyone disagrees. i think this year I'll buy another lap top for myself for Christmas. Selfish.
Y'all can stop reading there. I'm going back to the old school blogging from now here on.

I found blogger for the iPhone

Just wondering if it's going to be worth it...

AND SO IT BEGINS AGAIN....

so here is the fucking deal-e-o as of late. nothing has changed but everything is different. most recently i have been going to the gym. one to salvage/resurrect my relationship with my gf of five plus years and two, to transform this well honed alcohol processing plant into a mean lean fucking machine... along with that has come this level of guilt every time i light up a smoke. nothing says healthy living like a hand full of supplements, a two hour work out followed by a three chain smoked Marlboro's...

oh the guilt.

so i bought an eciggerette.

and it works...

more on that later! also along with this new found guilt is a natural desire to slow down on the drinking... i know, i know, me? as life would have it, my drinking was getting in the way of my, well, life... so I've slowed down on that. the gym has really made that easy. don't get me wrong, i don't have to quit drinking by any means and i drink when ever i want, but oddly my body is telling my brain that it just doesn't want it as much as it used to... after the gym, I'll go to the ritzy ass bar across the street and order a tall frosty one. and that's it. I'll have another one on my way home and maybe one more with dinner but that's it! my body says no thanks and my brain agrees... i haven't had a hangover in over a month! so odd to go to to bed sober and wake up before the alarm and actually look forward to the day.
i wish i would have taken one of those before and after series shots, alas i have not. well that's all i have time for today.

oh this weekend we are going to one of my favorite camping places and am bringing the dirt bikes, guns, explosives, kids and dogs; meeting up with some like minded folks and having a rip roaring good time! have a great weekend all that still lurk here and be safe!!!

WEIRD SHIT

as some of you know i like some pretty weird shit... photos of all types, womens high heeled shoes, blowing shit up and doing voice overs while people watching from afar, naked motorcycle riding, blowing bubbles, backpacking into the deep wilderness and making a feast of a meal, paying to get into an event and then volunteering my time while i am there... eating lunch out every day of the week, etc... so i natually assume that other people do some of the same things... i mean i know there are some true WEIRDOS out there, more than half of the internet is full of it, so i dont feel too bad. but, when someone looks down their nose at me for my interests i can't help feeling that they are the odd ones. really what the fuck is wrong with people?

just last week i bought a bit of a hand cannon, a smith and wesson .44 magnum. it's stainless steel with an 8 3/8 inch long barrel. think dirty harrys gun, but a smidge bigger. why would i want something like this you may ask? why not? i didn't have one moments before that and now i do. what the fuck would i do with such a thing? i dunno, shoot it, put soda cans in the sun for a few hours until they are ready to explode and blow them up... put a scope on it and see how far/accurate it shoots? put it in my gun case and forget about it. it's not my biggest gun by any means, but it's up there...

there are people who just aren't into guns, and that's just weird. see that? i think they are weird for not enjoying one of Americas favorite pastimes... i was at my buddies house this week after i just bought it and was showing it to him (he is another enthusiast). his family was there and he got his wife to hold it and point it up in the air like a charlies angel... it was indeed a hot thing to see. I'm sure that did something for their marriage that night... heh heh... but one of their visiting family members was totally put out by it. by it's mere presence in the house, the fact that we were at the dining room table talking about guns and shooting made him almost, angry... it was a weird response.. granted this guy trains at the MMA gym in his home town, (that's mixed martial arts, and he is a big fucking dude.) but really? your put out by a firearm? that's just un American to me.

so whats weird? the guy who likes raunchy porn and then sleeps with his wife with tender loving care? the girl who likes sun bathing in the nude but covers up all her "assets" when in public? the couple (gay or straight) who make out in public? the guy who like guns and shooting but has never been hunting in his life? (unless you count the hundred blue jays he has shot outside his bedroom window at five thirty in the morning when he is trying to sleep in on his only day off.) the woman who likes to tie men up and stomp on their balls? religious folks? MJ from my blog roll, is she weird? the amish? the feeling of mud between your toes? huh...

so what is weird? something against the societal norm? isn't that how we came to be in this country in the first place? something that is taboo? isn't that the same thing? i simply don't have the answer, don't need one... i'm perfectly happy being weird... how bout you?

What's a man to do?

welcome back!

so after a killer weekend meeting new/old people, drinking a lot, spending over twenty four hours in Disneyland, driving a cumulative total of thirteen hours and eating enough junk food to kill a vegatarian i finally made it home. the new house sitters did an amazing job and just like he said "the house would be cleaner than when i left it"... awesome. the dogs must have got some serious attention cause they barely stirred from their beds when we walked in the door. sweet.
i show up to work today and all the stress and bullshit i left behind smacked me in the face with a flat nosed shovel. one of the projects i fixed almost caught on fire. (i rehabed a fourteen year old electric jackhammer, this was something that was on its way out and i thought i could squeeze a few more days of operation out of it before we spent the 1600 hundred bucks on a new one.) alas, the boys got it to a job and the windings melted. damn.
i was really hoping for a success at the end of last week. i needed it. i had gotten into it with the boss before i left and was feeling quite defeated already. so when i came back to the jack hammer i fixed and it didn't last very long it wasn't a good way to start the day.
what i seem to be forgetting lately is im too invested in this company, i care too much and at times i feel like the only one. i watch bad decision after bad decision being made and have no voice to do anything about it. ive pushed my way into management meetings and have tried to share with people here that some of the things they are doing are an absolute waste of time and money, but it falls on deaf ears. then i bring it all home with me. grind my teeth at night and drink too much to forget about it. fuck it. i need to stop doing that shit.
so i think starting from now, I'm going to separate myself from it all. i won't give a shit, once again. my attitude will change, people will notice, my work ethics will suffer and i'll be reprimanded AGAIN.
after being with this company for the last thirteen years i can identify the cycles pretty well. what i really need to be doing is taking this week off. i have so much shit to do at home and with my other projects that coming to this job should be taking the back burner. i just cant seem to tear myself away from it. what i need to do is to tell this company to blow it out their collective asses and trust me on a few things...
but no, that's not going to happen either.

whats really going on here.

just like this photo here... don't get me wrong, i love it. really i do, its a hot photo. a young woman, dressed as a nun, pulling up her outfit to inspect some sort of garter belt malfunction? who knows. but what is really going here? a plane landing in the background? is this some sort of plot to rob the drug traffickers of there loot? or just fucking around at the airport with a camera? or is it someones buddy in the plane and they are trying to get a rise out of them? this womans boyfriend? who knows! perhaps she is aerosexual?
but it seems i spend a lot of time thinking about what the real deal is around here. what are people motivations for doing the things they do. why would they say that? what is that going to do for them. and then why would i react the way i did? what do i have to gain from that? anyways... Ive got to get to work and finish up my day. Ive got a busy weekend ahead of me. enjoy your selves people! lift up your skirts and pull up your tops! someone may be watching...

waiting around

yep, sitting around waiting for someone to break something, not what i really enjoy doing, but what the fuck else am i gonna do? already tore apart the jack hammer and ordered parts for that, fixed a tire on the grader and pretty much sitting around waiting for lunch. then i have to go do this "thing". does that ever make you wonder what the fuck people are talking about when they say "i have to go to do this thing."?
that could really mean anything right? depending on who you are talking to, woman grabs a baby and the baby bag, heads to the bathroom and says "Ive got a thing to do." you can pretty much guess. not so easy with other folks though... that's your tidbit of information today...

in case you dont know...

its for sale, I'm getting tired of it and it's time for a new toy, something else to play with, shell out a bunch of money for... Ive got twelve thousand give or take into it... I'll take less than that for it... its on craigslist... not hard to find. anyway, since i was shooting guns this past weekend my ears have been a little sensitive and we were just tuning a buddys new monster stereo and i have an instant headache now... i could feel my brain loosing up from my skull as the bass was pounding... whatever... anyways I'm in need of a beer. bye.

what about you?

ever been caught?

i have heard quite a few stories of people getting caught, how about a few more?!?

thinking about it all again.

donald loves boobs too!!!

as much as i fucking hate facebook i seem to be dicking around there quite a bit. i have three or four games of scrabble going on there at a time, friends i never see anymore that i still chat with and people who i wouldn't piss on if they were on fire hounding me to be my friend... two years ago, (plus or minus) i got booted off of their site for violating all the rules... at first i was pissed, but then it was a nice break from all the stupid shit i was doing there... mafia wars, posting stupid shit on everyones pages, whatever. it was a good thing.
then my ex-girlfriend had a fucked up accident, and a lot of the planning i needed to do to get her first benefit rolling could be done alot easier on the facebook than over the phone. so i signed the fuck back up with a new, (still not legitimate user name) and got it handled. we raised over thirteen thousand dollars in one evening. it took less than ten days to plan and we fucking rocked it. hundred of people served dinner, a silent auction and a raffle. the wad of cash was huge.that being said, i should have deleted the fucking face book account the next day.... but i didn't. and my once somewhat popular blog suffered for it.
this weekend some people from the good ole days are convening down in l.a. i got an inspirational text from a blogging friend this morning about the potential arrival of yet another favorite blogger. we will see what we will see....

FUCKING ZACK

I fucking hate other people named Zack. why the fuck do they have to have my name, get your own fucking name, like bob or dick wad. why steal steal mine. it is only quite recently that there has been this seeming surge of "zacks" everywhere... when i was growing up i knew of only one other. we hung for a few weeks but he didn't live up to the name. he got kicked to the curb and literally moved out of town...
there was one on t.v. who was a fucking retard and was the "class clown" whose best buddy was screech.. who the hell has a buddy named screech in high school?! now these imposters are popping up all over the place, in movies, t.v. shows, even here in my own town! get the fuck out scum suckers, quit ruining my name.
you play in a lame band? Zacks don't play in a lame ass bands, playing wamby pamby poor me i need a fucking girlfriend music... Zack turns a wrench on bulldozers and heavy equipment for a living, shoot guns and ride dirt bikes...
your mommy and daddy bought you a new car and you don't like the color? zacks don't have people buying them cars, in fact zack BUILDS shit from the ground up, mobs them and builds them again!!
you make movies with your silly ass beard and run around like a fucking moron! zacks don't make movies and run around like a moron...err... wait, i have done that, but I'm not trying to act like fucking idiot, i was an idiot... wait that's not coming out right either..
seriously though, wtf, why do these "zacks" have to be out there fucking up my name, when i meet them, one of the first things i ask is have they ever met any Zacks that they like and their answer is usually "no"... that generally sets the tone for the rest of our conversation... nothing like a little "hey, i don't fucking like you just because, so suck it and go fuck yourself before i find some monkey to do it for you..."
do you all have these issues as well? i mean is their this huge thing when you meet people who share your name and that naturally you think they suck? it just doesn't happen to me all that often so i don't know...

put some good thoughts out there...

An old friend was in a serious car accident, thats about whats on my mind since Halloween. put some good thoughts out there for her.

falling behind

Whats today's excuse for not blogging you wonder. that's about all i've been doing around here for a while eh? yeah, I'm fucking sick of it too. truth is, i don't have any fucking time. but here are some thoughts i was having this week.

do you ever have those evil, "i shouldn't be thinking this way thoughts"? you know the ones I'm talking about, when you are sitting there watching the news, listening to the radio or when ever life gives you a chance to think for your self and be negative about a situation... I'll give you a few examples...

this morning i was catching up on the news over at CNN.com and they have a short video of the kid who got burned over 65% of his body or something, you know the kid right? so, I'm watching this vid and i think to my self, "this kid is a fucking punk, I'd smack the shit out of him if he was my neighbor, getting burnt didn't seem to help this kids disposition at all... who the fuck are the parents here, why aren't they doing a little better by this kid, fuck... look at this shithead, here we have a classic case, i bet he was a bully and he did rip those other kids off or some shit, wasn't he skipping school when this all went down?" i stopped my self there because i know those are some fucked up things to say about this child who was brutally set on fire. it's a fucked up thing that has happened to this kid. cut him some slack right? hmmm... i know better than to think this way. watch the video, you decide.

the other day i was watching a movie about capitalism, a Michael Moore film if you must know. and they start it off with a few short clips of people losing their homes, being evicted and some other gut wrenching stuff. i start thinking to myself about the people who got "scammed" by the sub prime market. the folks who bought into the idea that ten years after they initially purchased their new home at 2% interest their rates went to some god awful amount like 25 to 35 percent, did they really think that they were going to be able to afford it? really? i know quite a few folks were duped into these loans, but if i were going to spend say, six hundred thousand dollars i might read some more of the fine print, ask a few more questions... if a banker or loan officer was telling me, "naw man, you can totally afford it!" i might sleep on the idea and get a second opinion on my financial status. so during opening of this movie i was thinking to myself, "hey, you are the one who stepped in the dog shit up to your waist, why are you complaining about the smell now? perhaps when you knew that the deal was too good to be true you shouldn't have taken it... how's that "I'll get another job and stop stuffing my fat fucking face with McDonalds and spend less money" idea working out now, perhaps you should stop reproducing annually pay your fucking bills on time, how bout that! huh..." again i know these are some shitty thoughts, i don't really think that about those people or do i? they are just innocent people who were led to believe they could have a better quality of life by evil money grubbing corparations who lied to them time and time again, right?

on the way to work, NPR was reporting on the woman recently released from prison in the middle east and how her boyfriend and his buddy were still in captivity there and are being tried as spies. well i was having some bad thoughts on that too, can you imagine? why the fuck would you go backpacking in Pakistan in the first place? what the hell could motivate three individuals to cruise around in occupied Afghanistan territories? Iraq? "yeah, lets go see if we can border jump around with our cameras and video recording equipment, take some notes on the scenery and enjoy life while whistling the hills are alive with the sound of mortar fire." WTF?!?!? uh, i may be a simple man, but i know what dumb is... i had a thought about how i didn't feel to bad for those people and sure as shit don't think we should have wasted all that time negotiating for their release and sovereignty... hey kids, there is some fucked up shit going on over there, you may be Americans with all your "freedoms" and shit, but in other countries, that don't matter for shit, quite the opposite. do i really feel that way? I'm not sure... i mean poor fucker have been in prison for over a year for going on a hike, right?

and perhaps you all don't have to have such strong opinions about things either... it could just be a fleeting thought or something that pops in and out of your head in a microsecond. like when you are giving the guy on the street corner some change from the center console of your car or truck, you might think "get a fucking job." but you are giving him the change anyway... when you hear of some mistreatment of illegal immigrants and you might think they shouldn't be here in the first place, but you know better than that. we wouldn't have a country without our fellow migrant workers... or when people bitch about quality of life, don't you just want to say, "what the fuck are going to do about it?!? stop bitching about how shitty life is in bumfuck Nebraska where your family has been living for generations and move to where there are some fucking jobs!", but you know that's not how life works entirely either... life is tough no matter wher you live, right?

i dunno, i have alot of bad thoughts, i am a good person, but i sometimes have those immoral, distasteful, non sympathetic, racist, sexist, uninformed, ignorant thoughts... yep, i know you do too. i can't help it. i suppose as long as the good thoughts and actions out weighs the bad i will only go to the upper levels of hell where all my family and friends will be... not the lower areas where the real evil fucks of this planet go...

meh...

now get back to work!!!

DAY OF PAIN

It's that time of year again kids which means your next installment of where does your body hurt. Today my back hurts due to the fact that I have been busting my ass at work like never before, as well as sitting in an uncomfortable position for hours and hours on end, at my house after work doing my other work. My stomach hurts, why I don't know exactly, could be the stress ulcers raging up again or it could be because I seem to have a bit of a bottom end bug that I may have caught from one of our beautiful chilluns... My knees hurts something fierce, probably from sitting down in that previously mentioned uncomfortable position for hours on end looking under a bright light and staring intently at the same things over and over again. My right thumb has a nasty blister on it from spending said hours and hours using small precision tools, its wearing a hole in my poor little finger. My jaw is fucking killing me from the two hours I spent in a dentists chair on Tuesday and the "sensitivity" the dentist was talking about has moved from annoying to mind altering spikes of insanity at times. My bottom lip hurts from being stretched for those two hours of intense drilling and filling on Tuesday, leading it to be chapped, dry and swollen.
So in other words, I am a fucking mess. I hurt yet I go on. There is nothing better than finishing a hard 15 to 16 hour day and cuddling up to your honey in bed... I can't hardly wait for midnight to come this evening... it's only 9:25 in the morning and I am fucking beat...
Where do you hurt and what do you do to feel better about it?!?!?

vacation

wouldn't it be nice to go on a vacation where it gets hot enough to wear one of these outfits?!?!? where would you go to get into the mood?

weekend is coming!

hoping to play a little golf this weekend! anybody have any good weekend plans?