Monday, August 21, 2006

HEY MUM...


ILL BE DRINKING THIS WEEK MORE THEN USUAL... MY MOMS SUICIDE HAPPENED FOUR YEARS AGO RIGHT AROUND NOW... SHE LAID IN A COMA FOR AWHILE SO IM NOT SUR WHEN SHE REALLY DIED...WAS IT WHEN SHE CHOSE TO DIE, DURING THE COMA, WHEN MY UNCLE PULLED THE PLUG? I DUNNO, NEVER HAVING GOT TO SEE HER IN THE COMA MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO DECIPHER.. WHEN I SAW HER BODY AFTER THE MACHINES SHE WASNT IN IT... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? YEAH SURE IT WAS MY MOMS BODY BUT I DIDNT GET THE FEELING THAT SHE WAS IN IT... IS THAT BETTER? WELL ITS A TOUGH WEEK ANYWAY, PUTTING ON THAT FACE EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE AND BE AROUND... YUP DRINKING ALOT... ITS EASIER TO HANG WITH MY FRIENDS INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOUSE NOW, BUT ILL TRY TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MY SELF, SINCE I DONT REALLY SHARE THESE THOUGHTS WITH ANYBODY...SURE, SURE YOU ALL GET TO READ IT AND SOME ACUALLY REMEMBER THE GENERAL TIME TOO...

IM GLAD MY MOMS SUFFERING IS OVER AND WISH I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT MORE FOR HER...( I WASNT THERE FOR HER AT THE END AND REALLY DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AS I WAS NOT GETTING ALONG WITH HER SIDE OF THE FAMILY FOR A WHILE...) THEY DIDNT THINK IT WAS MY BUSINESS TO KNOW... AND AFTER HER SUICIDE THEY HURRIED TO ERASE ALL TRACES OF HER... FUCKING ASSHOLES!!! I HATE THEM FOR THAT... SHE WAS A PERSON, A MOM, A SISTER, A DAUGHTER, AND ADDICT, A DRUNK, A GOOD FUCKING PERSON!!! SO WHAT... I FUCKED UP... I NEVER CALLED HER, I NEVER KNEW SHE GOT ON CRACK... SHE NEVER SAID... I WAS NEVER TOLD... I NEVER KNEW... MAYBE I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW... I WAS SO ANGRY THEN... AND NOW THEY ARE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT HER...TO SAY THE WORD SUICIDE... WELL HEY MY MOM FUCKING KILLED HERSELF AND NOBODY HELPED HER!!!!

WOAH... I NEED TO CALM DOWN... I AM JUST TRYING TO SAY I MISS YOU MOM, YOU WERE WONDERFUL!!! IM HERE BECAUSE OF YOU, WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE, I WOULD NOT BE THE PERSON WHO I AM... IM GLAD YOUR SUFFERING IS OVER AND WILL ULTIMATELY SEE YOU SOON!!!

2 comments:

tasha said...

hi. i sometimes loose intrest in computers.

oakland heidi said...

i love you. i'm glad every day that you're here...