Monday, August 28, 2006

HOW TO COPE...

HOW TO COPE? OR HOW DO I COPE... THIS SUCKS... THESE DAYS UNTIL MY GLAMOROUS BIRTHDAY... YEAH BORN ON SEPT. 11...TWELVE OR SO DAYS AFTER MY MOMS SUICIDE... SOME TIMES I GET ANGRY THAT SHE DID IT... ILL NEVER KNOW HER PAIN.. THE INFORMATION I GOT WAS CENSORED AND LOOSE AT BEST... WHY DID MY GRANDFATHER DO THE THINGS HE DID... WHY DID NO BODY TELL ME WHAT SHE HAD DONE UNTIL MUCH LATER... FUCKERS I HATE YOU... WELL I HATE WHAT HAPPENED AFTER... THE THINGS BOB DID, HE WAS WASHING HER MEMORIES OUT OF HIS SYSTEM BEFORE SHE HIT THE TABLE... THE POLICE REPORTS SAID SHIT... I KNOW SHE TOOK A LETHAL DOSE OF HEROIN AND INSULIN? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT... MY UNCLE SAYS IT STOPS THE FLOW OF SUGAR TO THE BRAIN...WHAT???
AT HER FUNERAL I GOT UP TO SAY WHAT I HAD TO SAY AND ENDED UP THREATENING PEOPLE IN THE CROWD... I FIRST SAID THANK YOU TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAD HELPED HER ALONG THE WAY AND THAT SHE WILL BE DOING THE SAME FOR THEM, BUT FROM A DIFFERENT PLACE... THEN I DIDNT FINISH WHAT I HAD ORIGINALLY THOUGHT I WOULD SAY, INSTEAD I RIPPED IN TO AN ANGRY TORRENT TO THE PEOPLE WHO HURT HER... STOLE HER MONEY AND SOLD DRUGS AND GUNS FROM HER APARTMENT... I TOLD THEM (SOME OF THEM IN THE CROWD, IM SURE...) THAT I WAS GOING TO HUNT THEM DOWN AND FUCKING KILL THEIR FAMILIES... OH I WAS PISSED... THEN EVERYONE ELSE GOT TO SAY THEIR NICE THINGS ABOUT MY MOM... APPARENTLY SHE SOLD HER HOUSE AND BOUGHT CRACK!!! WHAT THE FUCK... WHO THE HELL DO YOU BUY A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS OF CRACK FROM??? WHY DID THE FUCKING POLICE DO NOTHING... WHY WAS THE NOTE SHE LEFT BLACKED OUT WHERE NAMES WHERE... WHY DID I GET A COPY, WAS THERE MORE TO THE ORIGINAL... WHY WAS THE NEXT OF KIN BOX EMPTY... WHY THE BOX FOR INSURANCE PAYMENT FILLED OUT WITH MY GRANDFATHERS NAME...
YEAH, WANNA KNOW WHY I HATE MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY... NOT BECAUSE ITS A NATIONAL DAY OF MORNING IN THIS COUNTRY, BUT BECAUSE IT WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY MOTHERS FUCKING LIFE... AND EVERY YEAR I GET TO REMEMBER NOT BEING THERE FOR HER... EVER... HALF THE PEOPLE AT THE FUNERAL DIDNT EVEN KNOW SHE HAD A CHILD.. THIS IS HOW SHE DEALT WITH HER GUILT OF ME... I GUESS... IF NOBODY KNOWS, THEN THERE IS NO PROBLEM... I KNEW SHE DID DRUGS... IVE DONE THEM WITH HER... I KNEW SHE DRANK, I DRANK TONS WITH HER... FUCK..
I NEVER LOOKED FOR ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE... I NEVER CONTACTED THE POLICE AGAIN AFTER THEY SAID THERE REALLY WAS NO CASE... IVE NEVER BEEN TO THE DOCTORS OFFICE TO CONFRONT THE FUCKING BASTARDS THERE FOR MAKING HER THINK SHE WAS CRAZY... I NEVER TALKED TO MY GRANDFATHER AFTER IT ALL HAPPENED... I NEVER DID ANY THING... I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE THE ISLAND OF NANIEMO, IF I WAS TO COME BACK AND BE FOUND THERE I WOULD BE DEPORTED... SO I DID... IM THE PIECE OF SHIT MY MOM WAS TOO EMBARRASSED TO TALK ABOUT... SORRY MUM, I KNOW I LET YOU DOWN... WHO AM I TO BE ANGRY, IM THE REASON YOUR DEAD...

1 comment:

tasha said...

this made me cry. why the fuck is the world so fucked? if you dont come visit soon iam comming back to see you. okay this is comming out all wrong. i feel like i want to run away and hide for my birthday to. i dont knwo why but ever since i was 12 i refused to have anything resembling a birthday party. every year on my birthday i cry, i dont really know why i just dont want anyone to aknowlge me. i dont knwo. iam sorry. i miss you and i dont want you to blame yourself for what happend. you cant. you didnt do anything. i love you. i miss you. i will see you soon.