Wednesday, August 15, 2007

damn you knudsen.... here are the 101 zack facks


i wrote this in response to knudsens open challenge. he dared me to do it... NOW I DARE YOU TO DO IT!


1.i was born in concord, massachucetts. there was a jail near by, i think that had something to do with the fact that i was born in that town.
2.my mother was deported when i was five years old. (she always suspected that it was my fathers next wife. he swears its not true.)
3.i am the first born in this country of my entire family. shit thats not true, or is it? my uncle might be first, he would have been born in missouri... yeah i think he might be first. well this is the first lie in my 101 facts about myself.
4.i'm getting paid while writing this, i'm at work.
5.i'm known to be a bit of a drinker. although today, special cheese and i decided to dry up for a week.
6.i love fishing!
7.i am a mechanic, not that it defines who i am really but ive been taking shit apart and putting it back together for as long as i can remember.
8.i am the king of the castle! (as long as no one else is at home...)
9.when i was a kid my babysitters use to practice kissing on/with me. or at least i used to make out with most of my baby sitters. depends on how you look at it. i got a lot of action.
10.i spent most of my youth grounded it seems. i was once grounded for an entire summer. i have copied quite a bit of the dictionary and lots of chapters in encyclopdias. yeah, i pretty much hate writing neatly by hand.
11. im a great whistler. i know, i know you are completely amazed. its a fun thing for me when im in a public restroom to to whistle "strangers in the night". it gets some good reactions.
12.im one of those people who farts when ever i feel like it. even in bed.
13.i put three scoops of sugar in one cup of coffee. candy bar in a cup. after two cups of coffee in the morning im usually fucking wired.
14.i metebolize novacain almost instantly. the dentist is a painfull place for me.
15.i like to watch womens tennis on t.v. i think i used to watch it as a kid and enjoyed the little noises they made.
16.okay, i'm a bit of a pervert as well. see #15.
17.i go commando. i dont even own any underwear.
18.i drive a toyota pick up. but i'd rather drive a hummer.
19.i spend money i dont have.
20.i am a huge tipper.on service not principal. special cheese says its a sign that i have class. she could be right!
21.i've had a broken windshield in my truck for about four years now.
22.i've done more drugs than i can remember.
23.really i'm an eleven year old girl pretending to be a grouchy old man. hah, fooled all of you with that one didn't i?
24.i wear skateboarding sneakers to work. it pisses everyone off that i dont wear boots and pants. i usually wear shorts and a t-shirt. in the winter i put a jacket on.
25.i have more clothes than my girlfriend.
26.once when i was blind drunk, i vaugly remember pissing all over my buddies kitchen. all over everything. even in the fridge. the only reason i think i did such a thing is that i have this memory of me laughing hysterically while pissing all over the place. i woke up the next moring naked on the deck outside, the kitchen looked awfull damp to me.
27.another time i pee'd in the corner of my own room. i couldn't find the bedroom door in the dark and ended up doing it there. better than doing it in bed right? i was quite drunk on that night as well.
28.people think i'm feverishly writing a letter to the people who fucked us over on the engine deal. i wonder when i'll write that.
29.most of my ex-girlfriends have cheated on me. whats with you bitches anyway?
30.i cause problems in my relationships that dont need to be there. i wonder if that has anything to do with #29.
31.i really would like to know how it feels to kick a small dog as hard as i could. you know the yappy, barky ones...
32.i used to drink at work. everyone else did too, but i was part of it.
33.i need a fucking vacation! i'm going mad here. see, doing this shit at work and not feeling bad about fucking off is a good sign that i need some time off. refocus, refresh...
34.this sucks, i agree with manuel. i'm going to lose my mind!
35.i used to scuba dive alot. now i cant stand going in the ocean. i know whats down there... you wont ever catch me dressing up like a seal and splashing about like i'm injured any more.
36.i'm an asshole to almost everyone.deal with it.
37.i used to get beat up alot when i was a kid. i had a big mouth, can you believe that?
38.i got stabbed in the face once.well twice, both at the same time. some dude wanted my leather jacket. it wasn't mine, it was my friends, he was standing next to me... he ran away when the guy broke out his knife... i should of just gave him the fucking jacket.
39.i once had my arm broken. there was a big guy who was trying to take off my head with an aluminum crutch. i blocked with my arm and it folded it over in half. it was gross. and hurt alot! on the way to the hospital my father made me empty out my pockets. ooopss. i remember saying "um, all that stuff isn't mine." i think it was drugs or something..
49.i used to run away alot.
50.if i saw me evil ex-step mother today id probably look for an aluminum crutch to use. fucking bitch. (as you can tell i have no resentment torwards her any more.)
51.i have a brother and a sister. i have only met them once or twice. it doesn't bother me much any more. i really don't care to know them. i'll probably regret that attitude later in life when i need a kidney or something, but for now fuck-em.
52.my mother commited suicide. how do you like me now? even my own mother couldn't handle me. i met her when i was thirteen.
53.i've been sky diving twice. i liked the free fall the best. didn't bother me one bit. it was having to trust the gear that made me nervous. the second time i went the guy i was jumping with/attached to, was hung over as shit and had crashed his motorcycle that night. he had a broken rib. WTF?
54.for a month when i was a kid i had to pick up trash at the dump. part of my probation for breaking in the school and stealing shit. who the hell picks up trash at the dump? it's the fucking dump!
55.i think my girlfriends kids listen to us, ahem. its weird. i know i listened to my folks. thats weird too. did i mention i'm a pervert?
56.i hate earwigs. did you ever see the star trek movie where they dump some kind of alien earwig into the guys ear and he goes mad? yeah i hate earwigs.
57.i hate you knudesen and your damn challenge!! ha ha ha.
58.when i was in bali, i ate dog. probably some cat too. but the dog tasted good.
59.i got stopped in the canadian airport once for suspision of drug trafficing. we had been at a party the night before and were doing coke out of my passport. (what a jack ass!) they said that there was so much cocaine in my passport that the had to reset their machine three times! they asked some questions, let us go and never even looked in our suit cases.
60.i quit using hard core drugs over a year ago. never looked back and don't regret leaving them all behind.
61.i can tell you exactly how to make some of the best crack on the planet on the other hand. fucking amatures piping up bleach and shit. if you are going to do crack, at least do it right.
62.i smoke way too much.
63.i buy naked pictures of women. not raunchy ones or fucked up porn shit but nice naked pics. like from this guy, or this guy.
64.im thirty three fucking years old!
65.i would sooner bring my own beer to a party than drink most of the crap that might be there. i don't care if its rude or not. that just how i roll.
66.i have tattoos all over the top half of my body, my back is completly covered. bet nobody knew that, huh.
67.i want to give myself a mohawk, but i worry that my head is too lumpy for it to look good. wait, i'm worried about my mohawk looking bad cause of a lumpy head? umm, is there a good looking mohawk?
68.i really need to be getting to work... this is ridiculous.
69. heh heh, yeah its my lucky number. it part of my ATM code, my email, used to be my phone number as well. see #16
70.the sound of music is my all time favorite movie. i could watch it everyday.
71.i don't write properly, capitals, spelling, grammer....all that shit is beneath me.
72.helping special cheese raise her two girls scares the fucking crap out of me sometimes. i hope i don't fuck them up. i don't know what the hell i'm doing. is there a good book on how not to fuck up children that arent yours but sort of belong to you two weeks a month?
73.i'm going to have top sirloin steak for lunch. and ramen cup-o-noodles. and a coke. yep, nutrishious isn't it. what the fuck are you going to eat for lunch, i bet it won't be top sirloin steak. i bet it wont be cold and overcooked like mine either. so there.
74.i like to steal shit even though i dont need to. sometimes i'll just put on a hat or sweatshirt in a store. pay for some other items and see if they notice that i'm wearing a shirt with a tag on it while i pay. i'm wearing stolen merchendise as i write this..
75.i'm sick of other people cleaning up my shop, don't touch my shit.
76.i haven't had solid shit in years, well the last time i was in mexico it was solid, but not since. which seems backwards to most but the first time i was in mexico i caught a bug, a bad one. haven't been the same since. i think the bug enjoyed returning to mexico and gave me a two week break.
77. i tend to give people more information than the need. see#76
78.i think this woman is a crack up. her humor is right on point. some of you disagree? tell her about it and see where it gets you. i don't always agree with her and what she writes but thats my life not hers...
79.i'm getting closer to 101 and hating this more and more by the minute, but i will not be beaten by the challenge. damn you.
80.i charge one samwhich and one twelve pack of beer to work on my friends cars. so you know when i do that, your my friend. if its anything else, i'm just telling you that you are my friend and basically feel bad for you. sometimes i'll take cookies in lieu of a samwhich. or a blow job. (from that special someone)
81.i love blow jobs! its a nice treat to get one. and especially when i'm driving. so all of you out there, when you see me driving i might be having a special treat! hahahahahahhahahaha... (probably not going to get one for a while after posting this but, oh well.)
82.are you getting tired of reading this shit? too bad! if i can do it you can do it too!
83.i like vannilla ice cream. that pretty much the only one i like. after the coffee in the morning i don't need any more sugar. i dont like sweets or chocolate. but vannilla ice cream is tits!
84.there are certain people that my company deals with that i'm not allowed to interact with. and if i do happen to get stuck in a situation where i am in contact with said persons, i have sworn to keep my mouth shut and walk away. i guess i am a bit abrasive and have been known to be confrontational.
85.i would rather dive off a cliff than jump off of one. something about smacking "the boys" into water doesn't do it for me.
86.after ten thousand miles on my new tires, i need new tires. does anyone else have this problem. my truck is five years old and ive been through six sets of tires.
87.i'm half german and half canadian.
88.i'm bossy... deal with it.
89.ive been across the country on the grey hound five times, once was through canada. i'll never ride grey hound again. thanks but no thanks.
90.i got lost in the chicago ohare airport as a young child. this was back when you could pop your kids on a plane by themselves and no one really said shit about it. i guess i had gotton off the plane and found the executive lounge. several hours later my father had flown to chicago and searched the entire airport and found me there, watching t.v.
91.i hate and love t.v. all in the same moment. i don't have it at my house, cause everything on it is shit. its so a part of our culture that we can't exsist with out it. its maddening. but pop me in front of the tube and you will have to pry the remote from my hands amd rip me off the seat.
92. i hardly exsist on this planet. my cell phone is in some one elses name, i have no other bills in my name and my taxes go to an imaginary address that goes to a p.o. box that has my name missspelled. my bank accout has a different s.s.n. then my real one and all this subterfuse for what? i dunno.
93.i found the secret stash of porn in the shop. we have three guys living here in the yard as security. there were three different caches of porn. i figure each guy had his own stash spot. so i swapped them all around.
94.i don't eat breakfast much, at least not at work. and when i do on weekends its more like brunch. with a beer.
95.we have a woman here who had a baby. so now my office is a darecare three to four days a week. women cooing and baby talk and diapers all god damn day. hardly a manly area any more.
96.i once stuck a big bag of dog shit under a wall mounted wood burning stove in a house that i was getting booted out of.
97.i made up a bunch of "i love cock" bumperstickers. i put them on peoples cars in the state park. some people didn't think they were very funny. they must love cock.
98.i really, really, really love my girlfriend. i hope she doesn't think i'm too much of an asshole. at least not all the time anyway. sometimes would be okay with me. but not all the time. i must have some redeaming qualities.
99.i never used to be afraid of dieing, now i'm not so sure. i even started wearing a seat belt. what changed?
100.i don't like heights and fucking hate roller coasters. sorry i dont like any of that shit. i dont mind doing a hundred and forty on a mortorcycle or driving with drunk people with the lights off in the dark, but roller coasters can kiss my ass.
101.i sneak up to my dogs when they are asleep and scare the living crap out of them. i used to do it to my cat as well but dogs are more funny to watch wake up. they freak out and kibby around, it amuses me.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

#21) I remember that! i'm sure jes does too... or maybe not.

#26) that's a good story, quite a deserving recipient as well.

#33) enough bitchin about that all ready, take it for-fuck's-sake!

#38) You sure that was a knife?

#74) ahahaha, that shit's funny

#99) #98

all in all, i think knudsen's was better. you cheated too many times. :P good read!

denim

INNER VOICES said...

BIATCH! wadda you mean i cheated? that took forever. hahahaha, hey man, lets see you do it! thanks for the comment... lets make some fucking food this week, what.

Black Egg said...

Commendations to you for taking and meeting this challenge! I honestly don't think I could do it... but maybe I'll try? Excellent, fun read!

INNER VOICES said...

give it a shot... it seems easy enough.. when you get to twenty five you tell yourself your a quater of the way done. hit niinety or so youve gone quite mad!

Old Knudsen said...

Well done young Jedi (Arabic for cunt I think) I have gone from not knowing of yer existence to being amused and sickened all in a matter of minutes, I must go and lie doon now I too am an eleven year old girl, small world huh?

Manuel said...

he owns you now, you're his wife....

INNER VOICES said...

sooo... yer saying it only gets better from here? or am i stuck on my knees for the rest of time?

FirstNations said...

I am deeply disturbed by the number of things we have in common. I do not mean that in any way other than....ew. This is messing with my head and I'm already fucked up and I don't need this. Thanks, now I have to do this 101 motherfucking shit.

ew.

FirstNations said...

letter to cheese:
dear cheese, i am not trying to mack on your man. ew. he is too skinny, too brunette and does not ride a harley. ew. but i am still gonna crib off his 101 so don't gert weirded out. maybe we're related or something. I'm adopted NA too so it could be possible. ew.
sincerely, ew,
fn


ew.

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Violet said...

that shit was twisted nipples fucking funny sad and i need to poop now.
thanks.
and i am not sure what sexy said ,but i think i may agree.