If you lived in a small town...

HEY, A BIG FUCK YOU TO ALL THE SHIT TALKERS IN THE TOWN I LIVE IN!!!!

How big a pussy do you have to be to send a "my space" message threatening to make some ones life miserable if they move into a house on their fathers property... Don't want me on you daddies property? Call me on the phone or stop by the bar I drink at and say it... it could possibly go something like this...

"Dude, I don't like you... So, I don't want you coming up to my dads property..."

"I know you feel like that... But, I have at least six friends living up there and I see them regularly... How about I don't come over to your house when your there and when we are both at a party on the property we don't talk, simply stay out each others way?"

"Fuck you, I just don't want you up there at all..."

"Sorry, I know you feel that way... I'd be just as happy not seeing you either, but until your dad tells me I'm not welcome, I'll continue doing as I do... See ya.."

Yeah right, I don't see it going down like that at all... In fact, here in Big Sur some people will just talk shit and bitch and complain... Tell lies... It would be closer to this...

"I fucking hate zack..."

"Yeah me too... He steals every ones girlfriends..."

"Yeah, remember those glasses I lost, well I bet he stole them..."

"Yeah I heard he got everyone on coke!"

"I'd kick his ass, but I heard he kills people..."

"He doesn't have to do shit, he gets everything!"

Who knows how it really goes down, I don't travel in those circles... And sadly its my friends who hear it most and stick up for me... They try to understand where it all comes from.. Its hard for them, I imagine, to be my friend, to be friends on both ends... I really try not to be a part of it... Some times I get caught musing, but I don't want to get involved... If i do, these people become a part of my life... Which they are not...

So, sorry to my friends who constantly have to either choose sides, deal with uncomfortable situations or are no longer my friends because of my selfish actions... I mean it... I would never wish for anyone to have to deal with all the shit I've put them through... You are the best a friend could have!

To everyone else... Don't like me? Don't talk to me... Hate my guts? Stop reading my posts and looking at my lame my space page... Don't want me on your daddies land? Have your well respected father come and talk to me and explain why I'm no longer welcome... And if you simply cannot be around me? Stay the fuck out of my way!! I live here too!!!

Hey, I put up with your shit... When you people come to my parties I deal with it... When I hear you talking shit at the end of the bar, I ignore you. And for the most part, I really don't give a shit... Except for a little venting here and there, you don't even exist in my world... Have a nice day!

BACK AND TO BE POSTING SOON!!

LAST NIGHT

Bummer, last night id written a great post! blogger erased it... Well blogger took a big shit when I went to publish and lost it... Couldn't have been that I was rip roaring drunk and screwed up... No way, Couldn't be that... I'm much happier thinking it was some one else's fault... I'm omnipotent! Ha!

It would have been interesting to see what I had written... I was pretty wasted.. I bet it was funny... I remember writing that I gave dj buddy a chunk of hash and he dropped it right away... So I had to give him some more...It was his birthday... Anyway...

Sitting at work, preparing to get ready to goto Hawaii tomorrow... You know checking flights, do we want to rent a jeep, that sort of shit... The airports have been closed because of the earthquake and roads are all fucked up... Pussies, a little earth movement and their panties are wedged up their asses... Road closed, there is dirt on it... Lame.. I hope they have jeeps to rent... "extra insurance" is ringing in the back of my head...

"I don't know how the jeep ended upside down... It wasn't my fault" hahaha...

Not much happening here... Brain is pounding and third cup of coffee makes my morning a little bit of a struggle...

D just called and wants to do lunch... My face is doing this weird twitching thing... My whole chin and bottom lip is contorting on their own... Tim is behind me talking to a customer...Here are some things he is saying..

"I've never blown up a main power breaker before"

"I've never seen something like that happen"

"Oh no, I'm sure its not my fault! I was just doing a calibration test"

Sound familiar? Not my fault! hahaha, what an asshole... I wonder how much money people pay for things he has fixed. what can you do... You cant fix it, you didn't even know it was broken in the first place... Why was he even there doing a " calibration test"? I just heard him say...

"Well I'm not sure how much that's going to cost, but you should get someone out there to fix your broken breaker... Oh, no I don't know how to do that..."

"Its going to need to be recalibrated, I turned it off..."

What the fuck was he doing there... The people are worse off than they were before he tried to fix it... it wasn't even broken! He was there to do a test! Now its broken and he is trying to get out of being responsible for breaking it by saying he cant fix the problem... Again it wasn't broken, moron and now it is! Now it needs to be fixed!

Maybe they should have gotten the extra insurance!!!

What do you say?

Just a short one.. Nothing about things that have happened to me, or glorified stories about events here in the Sur... Nothing about the evils of life here either... Shit happens, deal with it... What do you say to so many people who have so many questions to be answered... I don't have the answers, just my opinion... I am often wrong... But I have love for my friends and I want to help. I love the gift of opportunity... Thank you!!!

But how do I represent my self? Someone who has his shit together? Someone who is respectable? Who knows his shit? If you knew me you might think otherwise... I am who I am... But you might love me anyways...

So I'm trying to be professional at work, and in all honesty I kick ass!! This week I saved my company thousands... From being taken advantage of, in lost revenue, in unnecessary labor costs, in wasted time and money... I think they were very happy with my performance all around..

As a "heavy equipment mechanic" I'm finding out that I often spend quite a bit of time at the computer, locating better deals, the right part the first time, researching more reliable suppliers and the getting the right solutions to our specific problems... I enjoy my hours spent on my back getting filthy fixing shit mind you, but I have more pride in my ability of troubleshooting, (not tooting my own horn here, I promise) I would just like to believe that is where my true skills lay...

I would buy a huge ware house where people, (friends) could bring their; equipment, trucks, cars, boats, whatever, for me to look at and assess problems... I could tell them what might be their troubles and guide them into the right direction... Show them how to do it themselves..I don't acually want to get dirty anymore, breath the D.N.A. killing chemicals or do any of the mundane bullshit that comes along with being a mechanic... But how would I charge friends? Presently I charge beer and dinner, or whatever they can afford, granted I do it after work for friends... But how do you charge the people that you love? The people that make you who you are?

Why do I worry? I see a need...

Friends call me and ask. " Dude, where do I take my car? What do I do? My car/truck is running like shit."

Most of the time I say "Fuck dude, I dunno... I don't trust a single mechanic I know... Sorry... Well...What are you doing later? Lemme take a look, I'll help you out if I can."

Some times I simply don't have time or energy...

Its not like I'm holding out or I want to keep something from them.. But on occasion I genuinely don't have the fucking time...

At my work I do every thing, (mostly) and what I send out doesn't apply to consumer vehicles.. Only tractors and backhoes, big rigs and the like... Problems that envolve specific tools and machines that we don't own... Projects I would need someone elses confidence and experiance to guide me... I wish I could do everything!

Sometimes I say "good luck."

This was just something that came up today... Talking at the bar with a couple of buddies..I help those who want to help themselves and I do nothing for those who rely on others doing everything for them...

Fuck sorry... Sounds like I'm wanting to sound awesome post... Its not.. Id like to help more people but what do you say?

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT...

Yeah ill start out by bitching, I'm fucking tired... Half drunk and I'm on water now... Just got home and I don't feel like starting a fire to warm up the house... I might be more motivated if the fire would warm up the upstairs.. But it doesn't... Weird...And its cold as frozen shit..

So even though I said I would post later, this is all you get... Sorry once again... Its late and I'm lame... I even have water in my eyes from yawning so big.. And I'm dirty, needing a shower bad.. Last nights five hour sleep is really hooking me up on the late night energy.. (Um, sure)

Yeah I'm ending this with bitching too... I don't want to bore you and don't want to be vertical anymore either, perhaps ill get six hours of sleep tonight... Just in time for Friday... Guess what happens next... Weekend bender time! Lets get some drinking done... Ha ha ha... Whats going to happen now? There is another wedding on saturday, band on suday, favorite bartender working tomorrow at another bar...

Maybe I should turn off the phone, plant some winter peas and make myself some healthy food... nah, plenty of time to squeeze in some fun in three days... Ill let you know more tommorrow... if I dont flake and write some lame shit like this...

WARNING!!!

Okay im cheating, but I stole this off a buddies web page posting.. I was in tears... you may not find it as funny but I think it was worth putting here since my theme has been about drinking lately... Enjoy...

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific
looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every man you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Yeah i know, lame, posting some one elses jokes... Ill have my own posting later...

WEDDING BLISS... ERR, DRUNKINESS

Its hard to go back and write about stuff that just happened this weekend with as much enthusiasm as I had for it as it was going down... And I'm at work and I have been having good times since that, and I want to post about those as well... There just isn't enough time... When all I wrote about was how shitty I felt and how crappy life was I seemed to have more time and less to write about.. I digress..

Seths wedding was awesome... We showed up right before they finished! (supposed to be there by five, we showed up at 5:08 and missed the big entrance!) saw them exchange rings, kiss, walk down the aisle and prepare for pictures. I swear Seth laughed during his vows... I asked him about that later..

He said " The hardest part was having everybody there watching.."

I said "No shit, there are a lot of people here!"

Seth replies "I have no problem looking into her eyes, I just knew everyone was out there watching, I just kept smiling. What a great day!

I can relate... Nothing like a hundred people staring at you... Don't fuck it up, this only happens once! Any way, after what was left of the ceremony we were herded over to a nice courtyard area for champagne... (I hadn't eaten in twenty something hours and was still hung over so thankfully a few glasses went a long way!) Our group powered down the bubbly and rubbed shoulders with friends and strangers alike... All commenting on how good each other looked and how well the bride and groom fit together... blah, blah, blah... Wedding speak... Its what your supposed to do...

The coordinator then herded us into shuttles and up to the main lodge, oh yeah the wedding was held at the Carmel Valley Ranch. (it was really nice.) More champagne and then I got to eat... I think I was the first person to notice that the appetizers were already out in the main ball room... Ooohhhh yeah! I had a full plate and set the pace for every one else... Finally feeling a little better.. Food was great and the staff was well trained... Funny thing the bartenders kept calling people doctor... The men anyway... And I got a few strange looks in the beginning before everyone else caught on...

"He's a doctor?" some dingbat said pointing to me.

"I don't think so, he is one of seths friends..." Second space cadet remarked.

"Yeah he couldn't really be a doctor" retorted dingbat number one.

No shit, sherlock... couple of bright ones there...

It worked on a couple of friends too.. Some questioning why they were calling me that. Anyway, I think I met about .6 of a person from liz's side of the family... I mean, not one person I didn't already know was even remotely friendly towards me... Who cares, I am not missing out on that one...

So we all eat and get drunk and the dance floor fills up... Tristan was doing a great job with the dj material... True to form Ira had his shirt off and was dancing it up with EVERYONE... It was great to see the looks of shock and disbelief on the faces of the brides immediate family... There was some drama with a few of the girls talking shit about a friend of ours... No surprise there, she always gets copious amounts of attention, good and bad... Drinking, dancing, drinking and more dancing... The party went on like that until twelve o'clock... Well, throw in a couple of trips outside for some pot smoking and such.. (of course there were a few trips to the restrooms for nose powdering and the like...) but it was, all in all, a great event!!

The late night crowd found themselves going to the running iron... Where between knocking over glasses and loud laughing, some of the ladies kissed each other and had some big sur style fun!!! I think the carmel valley boyz were enjoying the show for sure... There were no fights and all went well... That's when we left, right at closing...

"You don't have to go home but you cant stay here" resonated through the bar...

The core group went back to the lodge, where the best man had a suite.. They partied to the wee hours of the morning.. Ordering room service and running up quite a tab... What a show that must have been...

Got to sleep in the following morning, breakfast at IL Forniao, (kendra had a fat gift certificate) and then down the coast for more drinking at river inn.. Watch a great band and tried to rally the girls into more partying to no avail.. Went home watched TV till twelve and finally the weekend was over... Liver got a sixteen hour break...

OKAY 5 MIN...

Speed typing. Sorry for any mistakes...Ill come back and spell check and shit later... I'm on my way to town... German buddy's birthday! Baja cantina for drinks and food and then on to the running iron out in the valley.. Yeah I know, more drinking and fun... When does it all slow down? I had to take an advance out from work today because of all the fucking money I wasted this weekend.. That and I spent almost three hundred buck on groceries on Thursday..

I wonder if German buddy would mind if I use his name? Ill ask him tonight, anyway... He is super groovy! I mean he even says words like groovy! I do to so I think its f-ing rad...

(how the hell do songs I've burned on I tunes skip? Is that possible?)

he is way generous and always throws down, he gave me a computer for my thirty second birthday and this year, leaves a magnum of epic champagne in my fridge...(well may be he gave it to me but I don't really remember...Just woke up in the afternoon and it was in there!)

fucking cheers buddy!! I wish I could return such cool favors... Ill try to hook you up with some one tonight if your not pimpin someone already, at least for some sweaty dancing and grinding...

shit its been like six minutes!!! I promise to write about the wedding I went to this weekend and all that has happened since! Its been real! goto shower and make it to town by 5:30ish... I love that bit of big sur normanclature..(sp?) yeah ill be there on time... Its always within a few minutes...

WHO, WHAT, WHERE, HOW...

AND WHY... all easy to answer... except why... because that seems to be the question that has no response...

lame.. tomorrow ill do better... busy day but ill have time..

WAIT WHAT HAPPENED?

Yep happened again... I was at the bar with friends... Err, I should start earlier then that... I was at this other bar with friends... A pre wedding party I guess.. Taking shots and pounding beers... Having a good time, it's suddenly announced that some one else will be driving my truck to town, apparently I had already had to much to drink... fuck it, ill go along with it...

No body drives my truck but me, mind you... I don't get into someone else's car very often either with out demanding to drive... I just don't like it... Blinded drunk I'm a better driver than most of the people I know... I get car sick.. yep, that's it...

So we make it to town... Two car loads of people going to Rachs... We get there and there is a taxi showing up... Not enough room for all of us... So we call another taxi and three of us go at a time... My g.f. opts to take the next taxi... Okay, whatever... Didn't want to ride with me in the car either, whatever...

We make it over to the London Bridge pub... Nice place.. I've been there before, but that's another story.. We are there to watch a friends band.. They are good, and immediately they start to rock the fucking house... I buy drinks for friends and shooters for the band... We step out side at some point and smoke a little hash... Smart move... Back into the bar for more drinks, dancing and more shooters... This is where it gets hazy, more drinks... I remember paying for my tab thinking it was going to be about a hundred bucks... I don't remember what it was though... I tipped huge! I recall that...More haze setting in..

I'm outside smoking a cigarette and something happened... What the fuck was it? Was I arguing with Rach again? I wonder what it was that set me off? I start walking away and decide to walk to Carmel... Not an easy task for those of you not familiar with the area... Its not that its a terribly long way, its that there is no real way to get there from downtown with out getting on the highway... So I'm having fun walking and being pissed about something... Wishing I had a fucking beer... I made some calls (to whom? Id have to check my cell phone... Oops..)

I stumble upon this chic sleeping on a bus stop bench... I tried to ask her where the fuck I was and she jumps up as if struck by lightning!! Screaming!!! At the top of her lungs... I guess she didn't know how the hell she got to where she was either... Maybe i scared her... Cause she starts running up the street, then across the street and then back the other way! Right by me on the other side of the street... Sees me again and screams an octave higher... Funny shit...

It was a nice neighborhood, I was able to see Monterey down the hill with all its city lights on... So I call a cab..

"Yeah, uh, I'm on Franklin and cedar, I need a pick up.."

"Sorry sir, there is no Franklin and cedar." she hissed

"Well I'm fucking standing on the corner here and that's what it says!"

Click, she hangs up...Understandably.. How many drunk fuckers does she deal with in a night?? Who knows which cab company 411 gave me anyway.. So I try again, but now I'm walking back towards town... Apparently I got tired of walking up hill...

"Yellow cab..."

"Yeah, I'm walking down Franklin to Monterey, I was on cedar and now I'm on..."

I started to run to the end of the block to get another cross street... When she says...

"Well sir, it sounds like you should keep walking"

"What did you say? I need a fucking taxi... I'm on Franklin, doesn't anybody want to make some goddamn money tonight?"

You guessed it...Click... At that point I was thinking.. what a fucking bitch! in retrospect, I would have hung up as well.. What an ass hole... So I flag down a cab driving by and make it back to carmel!!

I wake up several hours later to everyone coming back to rachs... What the fuck, D sounds pissed and has something edgy in her voice...

Blip.. (see previous post for answer to your "what the fuck does blip mean?" question...)

For some reason I get up and storm out of the house... The haze was coming in and out like coastal fog... Jump in my truck and drive down the coast and up the mountain to my house... What the fuck? My alarm goes off this morning at seven and I shut it off... Completely forgetting that I'm supposed to be in a movie today... Just helping out a friend and being an extra... Now I really feel bad as I wake up around noon... Crack a beer and sit here...

So what really happened... It probably goes like this... I got drunk, turned into an asshole and left the bar, left the house, drove home and missed the movie... I could have simply written that, but then you wouldn't know what I thought of the evening... Well I guess I should show up at my friends wedding today, maybe I wont get so drunk and be such an ass hole... Maybe not...

AH YES...

The familiar buzzing in my head.. Almost a complete five hours of sleep last night... Bright eyed(red) and bushy tailed (teeth) and ready to start my day... Don't forget the hang over and mild nausea... Ok ok, I also have this weird retardation going on from the hash I was smoking last night as well... But I made it to work on time and really have nothing else to complain about... Except my busy schedule this week end... Boo hoo, poor me..

Yep after work I must change, race to the hair farmers house, get his keys, go to the post office, check his mail, pay his bills and make sure his house is the way he left it prior to his leaving for vacation... No problem..

When I'm finished with that I drive to buddies pre wedding bar-b-q at river inn... Food, drinks, danceing, mayhem..Hopefully don't get too drunk so I can drive to town and watch other buddies band play at a cool English pub... I'm sure there will be more drinking there as well... Drunk in town, going to need a taxi!!!

Try to get to bed somewhat early so I can wake up at seven and fetch the car we left down town, then drive to big sur so I can be an extra in a friends movie... Its a film for her senior thesis... She has been working on a masters in film...I guess I'm with a bunch of other people being white supremacists... Yeah I know... Anyway,

Hopefully all that goes well and ends on time because after that I have to fire up to my house and shower off the days movie filth and rocket to carmel valley... Remember buddies pre wedding bar-b-q? Well now he's getting married... Enter music in background... "everybody must get stoned..." Drinking, dancing and fornication... wait, what? I mean more partying!!!

Probably be a good sized group of people going out after that... "uh, more debauchery anyone?" down town Monterey, Mucky duck!!! Vivas!!! Drunks and drugs, whoopee!!! More taxis!!

So hurry up and squeeze in some sleep so I can go back down town, pick up the car we leave there and drive down the coast and up the mountain to my house... Fix my generator, clean, do some laundry and prepare for my landlords arrival on Monday...

But thats not all!! There is half a day left... Wouldn't want to spend it recovering, No way!! Some time in the early afternoon... Blast back into Big Sur where a cool Blue Grass band, Crooked Still, is playing at river inn... Can you say "more drinking" anyone ?? On the way there I must pick up the template that I left with my home builder friends, so I can start on their metal project Monday morning... Early, I've been slacking...

So where on this schedule did I leave some time for rest and a nap? Ah yes, in between all the alcohol... Must sober up at some point, no? hmm... Maybe not... Maybe I'll sleep through the ceremony? Ha, kidding.. Well I better get started with something here today and not get behind... All though a little behind would be nice...

Its not what you think...

Pretty upset with my self... Shit... Its nothing to any of you......

Fuck writing for you all...

Here is something for me to vent...

One of my new photos is fucked up!!! Mostly its the envelope, it was so well packed for shipping that what ever I spilled on it barely touched the picture... Yeah, its an original, from 1978... Sixth print of an image that only five rolls of film were used for the whole shoot... This guy numbers his prints so strange... The number of the print is how many he developed from that shot... With how many rolls he used during that session... Which is partly why I'm so upset... And I also don't remember how it got that way... man am I bent...

Fuck!!!

I'm letting it go... Right now...

So much else going wrong and I'm worrying about a fucking picture...

Here is a little note... Stay away from me... Bad shit happens to people who are near me... m.d.k. Its all around me... People are suffering, dieing and not happy... Run away, run as fast as you can... Don't answer my calls, don't search me out and don't feel for me... Things will inevitably start to go poorly for you...

(Listen to yourself... Pushing people away... Without them there would be no one to know how things are not the way they seem to you... No body to set you straight... All bull shit...)

Sorry... I'm in a bad mood... And its not about this stupid picture... (all though its a new itch in my side...) its life... Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people... That's the balance I was talking about before... I don't like it and unfortunately its a fact of life... I hope my friends dad gets better, I hope that "bell" beats her brain disorder, friends find love again and everything works out for the best.. (more shit I cant talk about...)

So stay away... If I don't know you, I cant hurt you... I cant help you etheir, but its for you to take the risk, not for me to lure you in...

sorry I'm not a better friend and cant fix things for you... I cant fix things for my self...

SOUNDS LIKE

I've been going back over the last few posts... I've asked a lot of questions, tried to be philosophical, avoided some of my major issues and basically said a whole lot of nothing... Trying to avoid what happening I guess... Be something I'm not, not write about my self... Mostly just trying not to bitch and whine... I felt that's what was happening here a lot... Me dumping my poor me shit on to here and inevitably on to you... Who fucking cares that my little feelings were hurt... No shit..

Any way, what am going to do you ask, what kind of things will I write about if I'm not going to be complaining about the problems in my life? Or searching for the the ultimate answer? Well I will tell you... I'm going to write jack shit, like I always do... Nothing of any importance and definitely nothing with any substance!!! So get ready for more ado about the rest of what happens in my days..

Some people has asked that I do not write about them... Fair enough.. Its hard to convey some of the things that happen without talking about these folks, so you all will miss out on a lot of things... Lame I know... But perhaps you didn't want to hear about it at all... No loss there...

But I cant help feel that I'm not following through with why I started this thing.. It was to get it all out.. A release, something positive to me.. Not who ever may be reading this... Cause really, I don't care... It doesn't bother me if no one were to read it... I want to do this.. Be here with the pain and anguish of my inner self... Turmoil... ooooh.. Sounds good..

I have to remember I write for me and not for the entertainment of others.. Sorry... Maybe it will all be boring and people will stop reading... I'm fine with that.(all though I do enjoy comments and feedback) but its not necessary...Love me, hate me, what ever... I don't give a fuck...

But I will still be here, pounding away at these keys... Worst case scenario? I become a better writer about nothing... I will feel better and will have stayed true to myself and to the people out there... Friends and strangers alike...

BLIP... get it?

So I took a few bong rips and cracked open one of my last beers in the house, sat down and read some of my favorite haunts... I even left a comment or two... its a new thing.. Bold I know.. Letting people know im out there.. Funny, out there, sounds well, haha, out there... Anyway... Now im just sitting here hanging around other peoples sites wondering what they might really be like?

pause... Station break...

I have to quickly remind you of a moment in a movie called K-Pax... Where Kevin spacey was showing the astronomers how to travel at the speed of light... Seen the movie? Epic! Its a good one... Crazy people and all... So, in this one scene he demonstrates some of his abilities ... By traveling across the galaxy and back, before they know he is even gone he has left the planet and returned... There was some witty comment about him "pulling the wool over their eyes" or whatever, blah blah blah... Any way, here is another demonstration of that... I need to go downstairs and let the dog out and grab a couple more beers out of the fridge... im out of adult drinks in my home office... So from now on I will simply write "blip" when this is happening... Be it bathroom break or beer run, I will only write blip... Expect me to have been gone for several minutes or so for each interruption... And blip you don't even know im gone! I now return you to your regular scheduled program...

(for your information... I said it three times just there... Three different trips...I put wood on the fire, I let the dog out, so both of us could pee and... Got some more beer from the fridge... Three trips... Remember I took bong rips tonight... Are you getting the picture?)

So... I wonder what these faces in the darkness must be really like... Are they the people they portray themselves to be or are they good at being someone else? I guess im good at being someone else but really i try to be as candid as I can here.. I promise.. I have only recently let people know im there, reading and laughing... Crying and giving support... Just enjoying a new form of reading... Thanks to all who entertain for fun and share with all!!! Tremendous writers!!!

Today was a good day and I don't feel too bad about staying up late and bullshiting here... I let the higher ups know im coming in late tomorrow... I have a small project to finish in the "morning" and get to sleep in... woah i might get six hours of sleep... Its a metal project for some one I don't want to let down, good friends of mine... Cool shit with copper and iron, ive been slacking... (see im honest) well, I'd like to give it to them... They chose to spend their money with me and I want to give them exactly what they desire...

When I do what I want, I get what I want... hmmm. Simple concept, why don't I get it... I even get fringe benefits: sleep in, coffee at home, nurse the hangover and go to "work" fresh and reliable!!

All that said... Im beat and have had a good night.. Don't want to ruin it by spilling beer all over the keyboard again... What an ass... But that's another story..

Finding it hard

Whats normal anyways... I'm trying to figure that out! Its hard to know when to say enough is enough... And what I want... But is that normal? Is this normal... Its not what I want... Is what I want abnormal... Weird? Yes, yes, cryptic... Sorry I cant say exactly what I mean... But ill get there... Need some more time to think about what's happening and how to deal with it all... Im just flying through the air by the seat of my pants!!!

Sure enough

Front page of today's local section is finally some good news... carmel is coming out with a dog calendar... Pathetic... Our good news is a fucking dog calendar... Exactly what I was talking about... Tomorrow they will have a bubble blowing contest...I am sure of it...

What dont you care about?

What makes something profound in our lives? How does it become that way? Why do those things affect us the way they do... Is it faith? (I don't know what that means but ill get there...) I mean, if you believe in something or someone, and it changes you, is it something you don't have control over and that's why it has such an impact? You simply take it as truth and fact... You take it as real, it " changes your life"...Why? Can you control it? Avoid it? Is who we are, our destiny? Or are we in charge... Ok, ok, lame... Destiny? Sorry...

Why do people hurt themselves? Why do some people laugh when some one else gets hurt??? Why do we ignore others in need? Why do some people leave the scene of an accident? Run away instead of help? If they would have chosen different, things may have impacted their lives for better...Oh, well or for worse, I guess. How ever you want to look at it! What is it that "guides?" us through life? Are we so unsuspecting and that's why things have impact on us? Shit I dunno... What am I talking about? Try again...

If you are in control of your life and it goes the way you want it, with hard work and diligence, you succeed.. What makes what you have done profound? Save the world? Help the children? Free the oppressed? And even then does that do anything for you... And do I want to save the world? Fuck no... People have to suffer for there to be people who succeed... Wait. Do I believe that horse shit? No! Well, not really... If I did I would have to believe in "good" and "evil"... Heaven and hell... God and the devil... But I think that they might be all the same thing...

Example, its someone's birthday, a close friend of yours... You go shopping, all day to find just the right thing... You buy it, they receive it, love it and everything is bliss... Why do I see the other side of that coin... The gift they love was made in a small town in another country... The factory there, pumps deadly crap into the water, everyone is little weird because of it... The people that ship said gift out of the country also deal in some other nasty shit... Stuff people get killed over... Now that it is here in this country our government has their sticky fingers on it and is part of the corruption and scandal... You spend all day driving around wasting gas (more corruption and killing the environmental, more death), finally wrapping it in some nice paper which ends up in the trash, polluting the earth some more... All so that some ones child feels special on their birthday... Is all that murder, death, scandal and cover ups worth it? Enjoy your gift important one...

But that's the part of life which impacts me most... Without these undesirable facts of life... We wouldn't have the things we do now... The things we expect... Enjoy... With out some one else feeling the bite..Is it our understanding that we have things better because of how we have worked so hard to get here or we deserve it? How many people have died for me to have the things I do now... Weird I know..Sorry.. I digress..

Back to point, if I ever had one... Is it our resolute faith in our system, our lifestyle, that makes all the evil okay? Lets nothing really affect us? Have any real impact? Life goes on, people die, things change? Life is always expected to get better... Why? Because we change it? Change ourselves? Put the will for life and longevity first and foremost? Work our way to the top, get everything we could want and need, leave something for our kids and have faith? Faith in what?I dunno... What do you believe in.. Why is it so profound in your life?

See... Its not.. Its a fact of life.. We are the way we are... In part because of where we were born, how we grew up and what we choose to do... Here in this country we are Americans, yes an ugly word but American none the less... And we have the things we do because we fought for it, and were told we deserved it... So none of the bad shit worries us... We don't even know that we don't care about it, because its not in our lives...

WHAT DO I DO NOW...

Well Im totally lost now... Feeling like my new chosen direction isn't all that I want it to be... Stop being so cryptic and write something with some substance...Sorry..

What Im saying is I don't know what I want... Im having trouble... Im happy at the job right now, Im happy in my new place, even though its not permanent... Im enjoying the quality of life I have, things seem to be okay... Is it wrong to want to float for a while and see how things go? Live life for a minute and stop trying so hard to get to the next level? Have I been doing that for too long already? Do I need to strive for more? Well this isn't getting anywhere... Try again..

Pretty low today, no spark, no juice, no motivation... Sucks... People are all at the bar watching a great band, a friend of ours, well they are all friends... And they are good... I guess they just opened for Tom Petty this week!! I simply don't feel like going... Im tired, I don't want to fight, I want some peace and fucking quiet... Time to figure out what it is Im supposed to be doing... Although I feel like Im missing out!! Big time, who cares though... Wow our friends band is back and Im missing it.. Nice thing, with this town is that when they come back through and I go to that show it will be the same people, the same bar, the same small town drama and same problem... How the fuck do I get home now that Im completely wasted?? Drive is my normal response, but Im trying to get away from that... Oh I digressed too far... The point was that Im not really missing out at all!!! Its the same recylced shit every day... When I make the next show it will be just like this one... Drunk, loud, expensive and fun... Lets not make it sound like it wont be any fun... Im sure its a blast and will be next time... Maybe that's why Im wondering what to do now? Im not making any sense...Sorry...

Im just tired, I want to write but IM not coming up with any thing good... Sick of shit and don't want to complain about it.. don't want to whine... So ill let it be for tonight...

SO MUCH IN MY HEAD...

Well now its time for brain explosion, do you ever feel that way? So much happening and I cant keep it all under control... Look at me from the outside, cool, calm, collected... Yeah sure, people judge me and may be even you.. But only because you know me a little more...Especially if you are in here.. Where ever this is... Only a part of me exists here... Such a small part, seems like a lot but its not... hahahaha... I laugh, I cry, I die inside... But what you see is... is... Is... What do you see? How do you look at me? Do you know that my brain is full... That's why I forget, so I have more room for stuff... Which I will ultimately forget as well... But well here it is... For all to see... 6% of me...

WHATS WITH THE NEWS THESE DAYZ?

im an information junkie... i love reading the paper, two of them a day if possible... i read several news sites on line and like reading blogs as well as books when i have the time... harder to read books at work when im supposed to working on the computer... but ive noticed how hard it is to find any fucking good news... its all war, child porn and murder, death, kill.. come on now people... what kind of sick fucking country is this.. yes, yes, its americas favorite past time to slow down and look at a car accident or to want to see real blood and gore, but gimme a break... i dont want to see puppies and bubbles and shit in the news but there must be something good going on out there that doesnt envolve some teenager running away from her abusive captor... is it really too much to ask that there be a "good news" section in the paper... or link on a web site?

anyway who cares right? today has been a crappy day...why i dunno, people hear it my voice... argueing again about nothing... yeah, sounds like fun... what ever... its been a gray day here and doesnt look like its going to get any better...(more bad news)

a friend of mine wrote me yestarday...well posted a letter... her dad died... sounded like some kind of cancer... im getting tired of saying how sorry i am and wish there was something more that i could acually do! fly down and hold her hand and walk her through all the bullshit of funerals and wakes and dealing with all the people saying how great he was and shit... its tough and dont know how to help other then say sorry, i have love for you and i can understand what you are going through...(too much death lately)

well, all this has kind of blown the wind out of my sails today, im tired and bitchy, dont really feel like being at work and have a lot of stuff on my mind... so if anybody out there knows of something good happening right now, fill me in... doesnt have to be for the betterment of mankind or anything but it would be nice to know that somebody accually bought a farm and not bought the farm...get it...

UGH...come on back ive got something for ya...

I HAVE THIS JOB WHERE ON EXTREMELY RARE OCCASIONS I HAVE TO DEAL WITH COMPLETE ASS HOLES... normally i am the asshole but sometimes i have to help these schmucks... case in point... a local here, who owns property and sometimes hires us for our talents, comes in and wants some one to load some sand... first he called and wanted it delivered, our guys are too busy and he balked at the delivery fee.. so he expects some one here to load him... its something we do for free as a service... for people who we like... Unfortunately we have to deal with this dick as well... most of the time im not asked to do any of the loading, for nine years now ive hated it... with the exception of the people who genuinely appreciate it... and the folks i like helping out... but i still dont need to feel obligated to this ass...

the last time i was asked to help him out he told me right to my face i was lieing... i did this guy a favor, nobody else would do it, so i cut him a deal and tried to save him some money... spent three days and nights doing a water test for this fuck and he had the audacity to say i wasnt there... i was cutting this guy abreak... i was supposed to be there for six days and nights recording water collection rates and blah blah blah...

the time before that was here at the yard... same deal.. load some sand with the back hoe(which i hate doing even more than our usual loader).. he told the office he got less then he really did... they let him get away with it to avoid confrontation...

a couple of months ago he starts a rumor about me... i hear this from a very good friend who was being told this salacious rumor... he described the conversation as follows


"yeah i guess zack has been dealing coke to his friends." asshole says

"what? i dont think so..." good buddy replies

"yeah, his roommate sure works hard and is on the job before anyone else every morning." asshole reasserts

"i dont think so, hes got a.d.h.d and has worked for me before. he doesnt need drugs" buddy defends

"well zacks lights are always on late at night and seems like he sells coke." asshole states

"do you even know his roommate cause hes not like that... and i think zack has a lot of friends, but he doesnt sell coke..." buddy finishes off

do any of you know anyone on coke who shows up early to work?works real hard on coke? and is real productive on the job? thought so...

appartley this guy has never met my friend in question or been to a job site where he was working... what the fuck is with this guy??? if he is hoping for some info on where to get "hooked up" he should talk to his son or step daughter.. (no offense, just stating the fucking obvious) stop talking shit motherfucker, its a small town and nobody listens to you anyway... except people who dont know him or me...then they hear about that guy selling coke and think its me, or their fucking kid gets caught with some shit at school and lame parent says well theres a guy in big sur named zack... to get his little whelp out of trouble with the law....

well short story long... he rolls in today and i make him wait... five minutes goes by and people in the office are getting uncomfortable... so i go out...

"what do you want?" i say

"uh, oh, sand." he stammers

"concrete sand or fill sand..." im now glaring at him

"fill sand." he spits out

well i do a long inspection of the backhoe and notice a low tire... i check the oil, water and hydo fluid(something all the operators should be doing before they get on any piece of equipment...)and proceed to my shop, not the pile of sand... and begin airing up the tire... i think i lit a smoke some where in there too.. its a big tire and takes a while to fill up...well since im the mechanic, i decide its a good time to check all the tires... at this point i hear some cussing over by the sand and tires screeching... here he comes, cloud of dust and and tires blazing... stops, glares at me and points to the sand pile..

"ya, ya... it'll be a minute..." i say over my shoulder and go and take a piss in full view by the dumpster... who is the asshole now...

ha fucker, finish with the tires and drive down to the sand... did he bother to pull the tarp off the pile while he was waiting? no rake the leaves off? no.. so pretend to get a phone call and laugh into my machine for a good minute.. remove said tarp and fill the bucket full, heaping... Maneuver around his brand new extra cab tacoma... gold... what kind of ass buys a gold truck...(its his second one, same make and model) and dump the fucker in, one big blamo, not filter it in like i would do for everyone else...remember that ford commercial where they drop a huge bundle of wood into the bed and the truck bounces off the ground while the commentator says? "built ford tough!" anyway this truck did not bounce, it sank to the ground and left an imprint where it had bottomed out... i loved that part...watching his eyes explode as his truck was seriously hammered..hahahaha, fuck you... then he gets me to puts a little more in on top of that...as a toyota owner i started to fell bad for that truck...

anyway, he walks into the office, says something and quietly leaves... i go on a call to fix the kenwoth and come back and ask. "what the hell did he say?"
"oh, he said he only got a yard and a quarter" our office manager says

its a yard and quarter bucket when the material is flatttened not heaping..i go on and on about how full the bucket was and that he wanted "a little more" and you know what happened...nothing..they let him get away with it... what the fuck? im going to freak.. luckly i held back and maybe he will come back for more... its not my place to tell him anything, if the office likes getting ripped off, im not going to get in their way... but if he comes back and im expected to load more sand i might just bump into his truck and mangle up his racks a little..oops...

HOW DO YOU ALL DO IT???

how do you do it??? all the things you want to do and keep them all in order. yes, i know if i wouldnt drink so much i would have more time to do the things i like, or need to be doing... at least remember the stuff im supposed to be doing! there are things im wanting to do that, well i dunno... (more bitching)

let it go man... its not going to happen, the things you want... err... im not used to that, i can usually manifest everything for my self, never have i been stymied so much... i can do anything i want and then some!!! so how do you like me now? i make shit happen for myself, yes i have help from friends, but its me that makes things work out... (yeah asshole build yourself up) but its true... im just pickled right now with no end in sight... party tonight... free music at the bar tomorrow, (do you think ill be drinking there?) haha... saturday is also something im supposed to be remembering...hmmm... what is it... whatever... maybe ill be sober that day? heh.. im sure...

there are other things i want to be doing as well... i wonder what those things were?

the other night i had some topics i wanted to discuss that surprise i have forgotten about... i need a voice recorder... well im wasting your time with this post... same shit, different post. just another collection point here..sorry... ill be back later.. let the brain wake up...

YOU GUESSED IT..

ivE been reading some other great blogs that really have me bummed out on how lame mine is..here is a really good one ...http://www.standingonthebox.blogspot.com/ this guy is an amazing writer... from the hip and original... anyway now some one is trying to get me to work... more later.

OH A LITTLE TO HEAVY FOR THE AVERAGE READER...

I GUESS I WRITE SHIT THATS A LITTLE TOO HEAVY SOMETIMES... MY BAD... TO ALL.. PERHAPS I SHOULD START ANOTHER BLOG FOR THE HEAVY SHIT, MY OLD STUFF, AND ALL THE OTHER DEPRESSING POOR ME CRAP THAT ROLLS THROUGH MY HEAD... I WONDER IF YOU CAN HAVE TWO BLOGS? WHY NOT?...WOAH, I JUST GOT A HIT FROM THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT CO. IN OAKLAND...ANY IDEAS WHAT THE HELL THAT IS... YES PARANOIA... BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING MY LITTLE BLOG, HAHAHAHA...

BUT SORRY TO ALL FOR THE CHOPPY WRITING, THE HELL BENT ON SELF DESTRUCTION POSTS, AND ALL THE BITCHY STUFF AS WELL... I THOUGHT ID HAVE A BLOG TO WELL I DUNNO WHY I THOUGHT ID START ONE OTHER THEN TO LET IT ALL OUT... THESE VOICES, FEELINGS AND MUSINGS I HAVE SEEM TO TRANSCEND INTO THIS DUMPING SPOT FOR ALL THAT IS UNHOLY...

NEW NEWS, WENT TO DINNER LAST NIGHT WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS... ALWAYS AN EPIC DINNER AT THE CASHAGUA STORE ON MONDAYS... BUT SEVEN OF THE TWELVE PEOPLE WERE FORTY MINUTES LATE... NOT REALLY A BIG DEAL, BUT SOME OF US WERE FUCKING HUNGRY... I DONT KNOW OF A SINGLE PERSON IN OUR GROUP WHO WOULD NORMALLY TOLERATE SOMEONE BEING FORTY MINUTES LATE... WE SHOWED FIVE MINUTES EARLY AND IT ENDED UP BEING A LONG WAIT... ITS THE KIND OF PLACE THAT DOESNT REALLY SERVE YOU OR PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO YOU UNTIL YOUR WHOLE GROUP ARRIVES AND IT DEFINITELY TESTED THE PATIENCE OF A FEW PEOPLE AT THE TABLE... (BITCHING STARTS NOW) IVE WAITED FOR SOME OF THESE FOLKS BEFORE... HAD I KNOWN THEY WERE COMING I WOULD HAVE SUGGESTED ORDERING WITH OUT THEM... NOT IN FRUSTRATION, BUT IN RESPECT FOR THE GUESTS THAT MANAGED TO ARRIVE ON TIME... WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL...OTHERS I WOULD HAVE WAITED UNITL HELL FROZE OVER.. FOUR HOURS TOTAL AT A DINNER TABLE IS A LONG TIME... AFTER BEING SQUISHED INTO THE CORNER IT WAS TOUGH TO TALK WITH EVERY ONE AT THE TABLE... AND THROUGH OUT THE NIGHT I THINK SOME PEOPLE GOT OVER IT FINALLY BUT ITS STILL SOMETHING TO MENTION... IF YOUR GOING TO BE LATE, OR LETS SAY STOP AT A BAR AND HAVE A FEW DRINKS WHILE YOU WAIT ON SOMEONE WHO IS RUNNING LATE, PERHAPS ITS A GOOD IDEA TO LET THE REST OF THE PARTY IN ON THE REVISED PLANS... IM NOT POINTING ANY FINGERS AT ANY BODY... ITS NO ONES FAULT... AND TO THOSE WHO FELT BAD... NO WORRIES, I LOVE YOU..AND IM NOT EVEN BOTHERED BY IT REALLY... WELL YEAH I AM BUT ITS NO BIG DEAL... NOBODY PERFECT.. FUCK IT.. REVENGE IS SERVED SWEETEST COLD, BUT NOT DINNER...

ANOTHER PONDERING OF MINE.. IS READING OTHER BLOGS A WASTE OF TIME? SHOULD I BE READING POE, OR MILLER INSTEAD? ON SUNDAY I SPENT A COUPLE HOURS READING SOME GREAT BLOGS IVE FOUND... DO THEY ENLIGHTEN MY LIFE? AM I A BETTER PERSON, HAVING READ THEM? IS IT A WORTH WHILE EVENT... ID SAY YES.. I LOVE TO READ AND FOR THE MOST PART I FEEL THAT THE ONES IVE CHOSEN TO READ ARE TRUTHFUL AND INSIGHTFUL... TO ME ITS A GLIMPSE INTO THE WRITERS OF THE WORLD... FUCKING SMART PEOPLE OUT THERE... IN COLLEGE, AT WORK, RAISING KIDS, GOING THROUGH HELL LIKE ME!!! JUST POSTING IT ONLINE INSTEAD OF PUBLISHING A BOOK... WHICH YOU WOULD HAVE TO BUY EVERYDAY TO KEEP UP... AND I READ TWO NEWSPAPERS EVERYDAY(ALMOST)... THE HERALD HERE IS ASS, BUT ITS FREE TO READ HERE AT WORK DURING LUNCH...ANYWAY JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT TOO...

WELL BACK TO WORK... TURN THE WRENCH, WELD THE CRACK, TRY NOT TO HURT MY SELF SO I CAN GET OUT HIT THE BARS AND FORGET ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS THAT IM SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER TOMORROW... ALWAYS ANOTHER DAY TO DO IT AGAIN..???WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? GET A GRIP MAN...

OH I FORGOT

I WAS GOING TO START TO WRITE SOME OLDER STUFF ON HERE AS WELL.. YEAH IM LAUGHING AFTER READING THE TITLE... NO SHIT I FORGOT...THAT SHOULD BE MY LAST NAME...ALMOST SOUNDS SIMILAR TOO... ANYWAY HERE IS ONE THAT I FOUND...WHY I CHOSE THIS ONE... CLOSE TO THE FRONT OF THE BOOK I GUESS...

AN INNOCENT NEW BORN BABY, BORN OUT OF SIN...
CURSED WITH A LIFE OF EVIL, STILL FESTERING WITHIN...
HIS PARENTS FIRST BETRAYAL, LEFT HIM ALL ALONE...
STILL TOO YOUNG TO TELL THEM, STOP YOU BROKE A BONE...
YEARS WENT BY UNNOTICED, NOTHING REALLY CHANGED...
EXCEPT THE NEW MOM HE GOT, RELIGIOUS AND DERANGED...
THEY BASHED HIM BLOODY SO OFTEN, HE ALMOST LOST HIS LIFE...
SO MANY CUTS AND BRUISES, ONCE THERE WAS A KNIFE...
BOY TURNED MAN THAT DAY, FOUGHT BACK AND STOOD HIS GROUND...
LIFES HARD LEARNED LESSONS, SPILT FATHERS BLOOD TO THE GROUND...
HIS FUTURE JUST BEGINNING, LEFT TO EXPLORE THE WORLD...
WITH HEART FORGED OF STEEL, HATRED DEEPLY BURROWED...
KNOWING NOTHING IS FOREVER, ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS...
MORE LESSONS TO BE LEARNED, MORE GUN BLASTS...
STANDING TALL AND PROUD, HIS HELD UP HIGH...
HE DREAMS OF TRUE LOVE NOW AND ALWAYS ASKS WHY...
WILL I EVER BE HAPPY, WITH SOMEONE THAT IS TRUE...
WILL I EVER HEAR THE WORDS, I LOVE YOU...
5/96

BRAIN DEAD

I HAD THIS MOMENT OF CLARITY THE OTHER DAY, AMAZING I KNOW... BUT IVE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS... DAMN...IT WAS LIKE I KNEW SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER KNOWN AND WELL ITS GONE... IM LOSING FRIENDS AND CANT GRIP REALITY MORE AND MORE... YEAH PUT THE BEER DOWN ASSHOLE... BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS GOING AWAY... IM NOT IN THE LOOP ANYMORE, I USED TO FEEL LIKE I WAS THE LOOP. I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING... I HAD PLANS, PARTIES, PEOPLE AROUND WHO TRUSTED ME... DID THE LAST YEAR OF BITCHING ABOUT MYSELF PUSH PEOPLE AWAY? AM I TOO MUCH INTO ME? FUCK!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I USED TO KNOW WHO WAS SLEEPING WITH WHO, EVEN IF IT WASNT TRUE I AT LEAST KNEW THE RUMOR AS IT WAS STARTING, NOT WEEKS LATER WHEN IT WAS PROVED RIGHT OR WRONG... DID MOVING UP HERE TO THIS HOUSE PUSH PEOPLE AWAY... IS IT MY DRINKING? WHERE THE HELL IS MY FUCKING BEER ANYWAY.... ANOTHER K-PAX MOMENT... HAHAHA... IM BACK AND POP AN ICE COLD BEER IN MY HAND BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW I WAS GONE...

REALITY SEEMS TO BE LEAVING ME, BUT WHAT IS IT ANYWAY? SOMETHING I MAKE UP AND WANT TO BE IN? OR AM I IN MY REALITY NOW WITH MASSIVE MEMORY LOSS AND STOMACH PAINS 24/7? BLEEDING ASS AND CONSTANT FEAR OF DOING THE WRONG THING? MY PHONE USED TO RING OFF THE HOOK... NOW NOTHING... YEAH POOR ME, NOBODY LOVES ME...WHERE ARE MY WORMS?

IS THIS SOMETHING I CAN OVERCOME, DID I MISTREAT THEM, BETRAY THEIR TRUST IN SOME WAY... LOSE THE ABILITY TO SEE BEHIND PEOPLES FRONTS AND INTO THEM? I CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS FAKING IT OR JUST GOING THROUGHOUT THE MOTIONS...AM I NOT APPROACHABLE ANY MORE... AM I TOO DRUNK... ARE PEOPLE TIRED OF MY SHIT? MY BROODING AND WHINING, MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS... IS THAT IT, ARE FOLKS AFRAID OF ME... DO PEOPLE SEE THROUGH MY IRON MASK? ARE THE WALLS NOT AS THICK AND TALL AS I BELIEVE? ARE THE FRIENDS THAT KNOW ME NOT WANTING TO KNOW ME ANY MORE... SHOULD I SIMPLY BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME, SOMEONE WITHOUT ISSUES AND REMORSE? SHOULD I LET EVERYTHING GO AND WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET?

WOULD I WANT THAT IN A FRIEND, SOME ONE WITH NO DEPTH, NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, NO INSECURITIES??? WOULD YOU... YOU PROBABLY WOULD WANT A FRIEND WHO REMEMBERS YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY OR YOUR FAVORITE DRINK!! MEMORY, I LOST MINE... I FEEL I JUST COMPARTMENTALIZE EVERYTHING AND FORGET WHERE I PUT IT.. KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT? SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU ALL BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO GOTO WORK OR TO A PARTY AND PRETEND EVERYTHING IS GOOD, SO YOU PUT IT AWAY AND DEAL WITH IT LATER, (GOOD TECHNIQUE FOR GETTING ALONG WITH HEAVY TRAUMA)... BUT I SEEM TO DO IT WITH EVERYTHING... WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IS IT??? FUCK... WELL IM JUST BITCHING ABOUT BORING SHIT AGAIN AND ALL THIS FAST PACE TYPING IS KEEPING ME AWAY FROM MY BEER... WHICH IF I WERE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN AT MY SELF I WOULD SAY UM "HEY DOORNOB, WHY DONT YOU STOP DRINKING SO MUCH, TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF AND PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE..." WELL IVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO DO WHAT EVERYONE THINKS I SHOULD BE DOING...WHY, WHATS MY PROBLEM...

MAYBE... THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM A DRUNK, A RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT, SOMEONE WHO IS AFRAID OF LOVE BECAUSE ITS ONLY EVER BEEN USED AS A TOOL TO HURT ME... MAYBE I AM THIS LOSER WHO PRETENDS TO BE "COOL" AND I USE ALCOHOL TO SURPRESS MY ANGST AT THE WORLD... MAYBE IM ON BORROWED TIME AND AM NEAR DEATH ANYWAY... MAYBE IM FUCKING CRAZY AND I SHOULD STOP OBBESSING ABOUT THE POOR ME FACTOR AND REALIZE IM JUST FINE AND IM NORMAL... YEAH NORMAL...WAIT WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?

SHOVE IT UP THE ASSHOLE OF LIFE...

SO WRITERS BLOCK IT IS... HAVE NOT WRITTEN IN AGES!! OR SO IT FEELS... IN MY HEAD HAVE BEEN VOLUMES OF NONSENSE.. BUT NONE THE LESS IT IS HERE, NO WILL TO WRITE, NO DESIRE...TRANSFER OF ADDICTION? I DUNNO... ALCOHOL HAS BEEN THERE THOUGH...WHICH ADDICTION IS IT THIS WEEK... JUST FINISHED ANOTHER BEER.. HOLD ON... DOWN A FLIGHT OF STEPS AND ACROSS THE KITCHEN TO THE FRIDGE... THIS WILL FEEL LIKE THE MOMENT IN THE FILM K-PAC... SEE IM BACK, SIX MINUTES JUST WENT BY AND ONLY A BLIP IN TIME FOR YOU... ANYWAY...

I WAS GOING THROUGH AND OLD BOOK... TITLED "BOOK OF ZACK" (LOOKING FOR STUFF I MAY HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT MY MOM, AND STUMBLED ON SOME OLD THOUGHTS...) WOW... HERE IS SHIT I HAVE NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT UNTIL THAT MOMENT BUT NOW I COULD RECITE IT WORD FOR WORD LIKE I WAS WORKING IT OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME!! WANNA HEAR SOME.. TOO BAD, HAHAHAHA..MAYBE ITS SOMETHING ILL START TO DO...WRITE OLD FEELINGS IN HERE TOO... MOST LIKELY IT WILL BE SOMETHING I START AND DONT FINISH...

THIS WAS IN A SECTION OF THE BOOK WHERE I HAD WRITTEN FIVE PIECES... NONE OF THEM DATED AND ALL WITH DIFFERENT PENS... WHEN I WAS WRITING THAT BOOK I DIDNT WANT IT TO BE CHRONOLOGICAL, I WANTED IT TO BE JUMBLED AND NOT IN ORDER, LIKE WHAT HAPPENS UP THERE... IN BRAINLAND... BUT OTHER STUFF I HAD WRITTEN IN THE "METALLIC BLUE PEN" WAS AROUND JUNE TO JULY OF OH SIX... POWERFUL PIECE, NOT LIKE THE CRAP I POST HERE BUT SOMETHING THAT IM SURE PEOPLE MIGHT WONDER...

POUNDING HAMMER IN MY HEAD
REMINDS ME OF ALL WHO ARE DEAD
GRINDING WHEELS OF BLOODY HELL
I STILL REMEMBER HIS AWFUL SMELL
BLASTING SOUNDS OF HIS STEEL GUN
SOMETIMES I WISH I WOULD HAVE LET HIM RUN
GURGLING GASPS OF AIR NOT THERE
DRAGGED HIM OFF BY HIS HIPPY HAIR
"FUCK YOU MAN YOU PIECE OF SHIT"
"ON YOUR SHALLOW GRAVE I SPIT"
I GAVE YOU PEACE
YOU GAVE ME HELL...
FROM THE HEAVENS MY SOUL HAS FELL

YEAH... I KNOW, WHAT THE HELL AM I WRITING THAT IN HERE FOR... I HAD WRITERS BLOCK AND NEEDED SOMETHING TO PUT DOWN TONIGHT... NEEDING QUIET... NEEDING SOMETHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT... NEEDING TO KNOW THAT TEN YEARS AGO I WAS FUCKED THEN TOO... IVE FOUND SOME POEMS THAT I WROTE BACK THEN... AND THEY ARE FUNNY NOW, AND SOME MUSINGS THAT ARE WELL MORE DISTURBING THEN THAT... BUT I THINK TONIGHT I WILL END THIS ONE WITH ONE OF "MY FEW THOUGHTS ON DRINKING..." (A FEW PAGES WERE SCRIBBLED OUT WITH THAT TITLE ABOVE...) PERHAPS ILL REWRITE ONE OF THOSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.. GOODNIGHT...

*SOMETIMES I DRINK TO REMEMBER
SOMETIMES I DRINK TO FORGET
SOMETIMES I DRINK TO BE HAPPY
AND AT TIMES I DRINK TO GET DRUNK
BUT NO MATTER WHAT I ALWAYS DRINK*

LAME I KNOW, SO... SORRY...THATS JUST THE ONE I PICKED TO COPY TONIGHT... OH AND BYE THE WAY THAT WAS WRITTEN ON JUNE, TWENTY FIFTH, NINETEEN NINETY EIGHT...DOUBLE OH, TONIGHTS TITLE WAS A PASSAGE OF SOMETHING FROM NINETY EIGHT AS WELL...

GOOD MOVIE!!!

I WATCHED A GREAT MOVIE LAST NIGHT... IT WAS A JULIO MEDEM FILM, (YES FOREIGN AND SUBTITLED) SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DONT LIKE TO READ YOUR MOVIES...ITS NOT FOR YOU... ITS CALLED "SEX AND LUCIA"... GREAT MOVIE!!! YES, YES... LOTS OF SEX AND NUDITY BUT THE PLOT KEEPS CHANGING OR "FALLING INTO HOLES"... GREAT AND UNTIL THE END YOU DONT REALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE IT IS GOING... WELL I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME TOO MUCH INFORMATION OR WHEN THE TRAILER SHOWS YOU HALF OF THE MOVIE BUT HERE IS A LINK...
WELL LAST I FINALLY GOT HOME AT A DECENT HOUR AND GOT SOME REST... LIKE I SAID I WATCHED A MOVIE... BUT I GOT SOME SLEEP AND WOKE UP LATE AND AM GOING TO SPEND THE DAY DOING THE PROJECTS THAT I SHOULD BE DOING!! WATER THE PLANTS, MOP THE FLOOR, TAKE A SHOWER...ETC.. ALL THE STUFF I NEVER HAVE ANY TIME TO DO... SHOWER? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT... I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SCRUB!! DIRTBAG!!! ANYWAY... THE WEATHER IS CHANGING AND IM LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT! ITS WINDY UP HERE ON THE MOUNTAIN AND I BET ITS COLD AS FUCK ON THE COAST!!! TIME TO GET MY FIREWOOD SITUATION HANDLED... WHAT A LAME POSTING BUT IM NOT REALLY AWAKE YET SO THE VOICES SEEM TO BE AT BAY!! SO ENJOY THE DAY!!! i think ill have a toke... puff puff ah no one to pass it to...puff puff...

OH HEY...

HAVE THAT OVERWHELMING FEELING THAT SOME THING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY OR SOON... MY HOROSCOPES HAVENT BEEN ALL THAT GOOD... CAUSE IM WICKED INTO THAT... (NOT) BUT FUNNY THAT I FEEL IT COMING ANYWAY... BEEN IN A GOOD MOOD FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS NOW.. SINCE MY BIRTHDAY, ANYWAY... I DUNNO JUST FEELING WEIRD, WANT THE CLOUD OF DOOM TO SCREW OFF FOR A WHILE... BUT I FEEL SOMETHING... OFF, NOT RIGHT...

IM IN A REALLY GOOD MOOD!!

WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? WELL ALOT, DONT LET ME COMPLAIN... I DO THAT ENOUGH... JUST READ SOME GREAT POSTS AND TURNED MY DAY IN TO THAT SARCASTIC GOODNESS FROM THIS MORNING.. WITH OUT THE SARCASM... YEAH FUNNY... AS MISERABLE AS I THOUGHT ID BE THIS WEEK ITS TURNING OUT TO BE REAL GOOD.... I KNOW I KNOW... SETTING MY SELF UP FOR A DOWN TURN BUT HEY ILL ENJOY THE UP AS WELL... YEAH I JUST FEEL REAL GOOD... DONT WANT TO WASTE IT HERE THOUGH... I SIMPLY FELT OBLIGED TO LET EVERY ONE KNOW THAT SOMETIMES IM NORMAL LIKE YOU, NOT NORMAL LIKE ME...

BEAUTIFUL DAY

LETS TRY SOMETHING CHEERY AND LIGHT HEARTED! YAH THE DAY IS BEAUTIFUL... SUCH A NICE MORNING AT MY HOUSE... NO SHIRT ON AND JUST SHORTS.. SUN OUT AND A SMALL BREEZE TO KEEP THE DICK FLYS AWAY... GOT SEVEN SOLID HOURS OF GOOD SLEEP AND WOKE UP FEELING FRESH AND READY TO TACKLE THE DAY... LIFE IS GREAT AND IM IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL...

(WHAT A BUNCH OF HORSE SHIT, BUT ILL KEEP TRYING)

THE DRIVE TO WORK WAS NICE, COMING DOWN THE RIDGE AND INTO THE CANYON WAS ASTOUNDING... COASTAL FOG CREEPING UP INTO THE HIGHER ELEVATIONS REACHING OUT AS FAR AS IT WOULD GO... NOBODY ELSE ON THE ROAD... I DID HEAT UP THE BRAKES ENOUGH TO SMELL THEM BUT THEY ARE BRAND NEW AND PERHAPS THEY ARE JUST BREAKING IN... HAD A LITTLE GOD SMACK ON THE STEREO AND COMPANY IN THE CAR... IT WAS A GOOD MOOD MORNING...

(EYES SWOLLEN AND NEEDING A FUCKING CIGARETTE)

GOT TO THE HIGHWAY AND THE FOG WAS JUST OFF THE ROAD SO IT WASNT A PROBLEM SEEING WHERE I WAS GOING... PEACEFUL ON MY WAY TO WORK... THE RANGERS WERE QUESTIONING SOMEONE WHO WAS SLEEPING IN THEIR CAR, AND THERE WERE TWO DEAD BIRDS ON THE FLATS... BUT NOTHING ELSE REALLY BOTHERED ME... NO BODY IN MY WAY AND I KEPT TO THE SPEED LIMIT... TAKES THIRTY FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE TO MY WORK... SHOWED UP HERE AND EVERYBODY IS WORKING AND STARTING THE DAY!!!

(NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH SWOLLEN EYES AND SMOKING)

START THE WORK DAY AND EVERYTHING I DID YESTERDAY PAID OFF.. THE RESEARCH, THE WRITTEN PROPOSALS AND THE EXTRA TOUCH ON THE SIDE NOTE... THEY WENT FOR IT! SO THIS MORNING I ORDERED THE EQUIPMENT AND SAVED BLAZE ABOUT A THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! YEAH ME... IT IS A GOOD FEELING AFTER ALL WHEN YOU DO A GOOD JOB AND IT PAYS OFF... GOING TO GET SOME STUFF DONE TODAY AND GO HOME AND FINISH CLEANING UP AFTER MONDAY NIGHTS BBQ... SORRY TO ALL WHO DID NOT MAKE IT... I KNOW YOU FEEL LEFT OUT AND BENT BUT, ITS NOT THE HAPPIEST DAY FOR ME AND JUST WANTED A SMALL FAIR... I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND!!! TO THOSE WHO WERE THERE THANX AGAIN...

(HOW ABOUT THAT SESAME STREET JOY, ARE YOU FEELING IT)

WELL I HAVE TO GET ON WITH MY AMAZING MORNING OF BLISS AND POSITIVITY!!! TODAY I WILL CONTINUE TRYING TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD AND TO STAY POSITIVE... NO BITCHING, NO WHINING AND NO POOR ME.. LIFE IS GOOD... I CANT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A TURTLES BLEEDING HEMROID DRAGGING ACROSS THE GROUND...

(GET TO WORK YOU FUCKING TROLL)

party

had a great birthday party!!! how fun... i just wanted a small bbq and ended up having a shit load of people come over... so cool, even got some great gifts as well!!! people were so nice.... so many folks were there... anyway i have a huge case of brain drain today and im not going to make it much longer... so tired... alcohol isnt really helping me out these dayz.. need to stop drinking so much, but it was my birthday... anyway have a good day to all.. i feel like im floating today... head in clouds instead of ass..

F YOU BLOGGER

I HATE WHEN THIS SHIT ERASES A POSTING!!! BIG MIDDLE FINGER TO YOU INTERNET BOOK... THANKFULLY IT WAS JUST ME BITCHING ABOUT HOW MUCH IM HURTING... MY TUMMY, MY BACK, MY ASS... LAME POSTING, BUT I FINALLY GOT A PICTURE TO UPLOAD... SO ILL PUT THIS PIC ON INSTEAD, YES ITS LAME BUT SO AM I!! DRANK TOO MUCH AGAIN... WHAT A LOSER...

WORK

NO TIME... BEEN BUSTING MY ASS TODAY TO MAKE UP FOR MY LAZINESS OF THIS WEEK... IM SORE! OH WELL TO THE GRIND!! TALLY HO..

NO MORE BOO HOO

YEAH IM TIRED, POOR ME... HAD A GREAT WEEKEND AND NOW IM AT WORK AND IM BEAT..WENT TO THE TOOL CONCERT, WHERE I PROMPTLY GOT SHIT FACED RIGHT AFTER, COOL THOUGH... I GUESS I WAS GOING TO PEE IN LAURENS HOUSE PLANT BUT STOPPED AND WENT OUT SIDE INSTEAD... WEIRD, I HATE BLACKING OUT... I REMEMBER FALLING OVER THE COFFEE TABLE AND NOT BREAKING ANYTHING, BUT PEEING IN THE PLANTER, NOPE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED THERE... THE SHOW WAS ROCKING AND GOT TO GET UP PRETTY CLOSE... A LITTLE TIME IN THE PIT AND HUNG OUT IN THE PARKING LOT DRINKING CAPT. AND COKE AFTERWARDS.. LOTS OF CAPT. NOT SO MUCH COKE, BUT WE FINISH HALF A GALLON BETWEEN FOUR OF US. I LOVE THE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IN THE CITY... ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE AND IT GETS YOU EVERYWHERE!!! I LIKE THE BART THE BEST... ITS LIKE THE SUBWAY OR SKYTRAIN, BUT DIRTY... YEAH THEN I GOT TO WALK COMPLETELY WASTED FROM THE STATION TO LAURENS HOUSE...MUST HAVE LOOKED PRETTY BAD BUT I HAD FUN!!! I GUESS THAT WHEN I POLISHED OFF THE MOONSHINE AND FINISHED A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE I GOT ER WELL DRUNK... OOPS... EARTH TO RETARD...NOT OK.... LEARN HOW TO DRINK LIKE A MAN, NOT A FUCKING COLLEGE KID...
YESTERDAY I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH GAVIN FOR A LITTLE WHILE... GOT PIZZA, DRANK BEER, WENT DOWN TO THE AVENUE, WHERE LO AND BEHOLD BECKY BIRD SONG IS WORKING!!! RANDOM, I HAVE NOT SEEN HER IN LIKE TEN YEARS? MORE? GOOD TO SEE HER... SHE LOOKED GREAT AND CHANGED HER STYLE... GOOD TIMES, TALKING ABOUT OUR FRIEND POEM AND OTHER PEOPLE I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF IN YEARS... YEAH FUN... ANYWAY, FEELS LIKE A MONDAY...
WELL FEELING PRETTY GOOD BESIDES THE MILD BUZZING IN MY HEAD LEFT OVER FROM THE SUNDAY NIGHT METAL SHOW, AND I GOT A CALL FROM A GOOD FRIEND THIS MORNING WHO SHOWERED ME WITH NICE THOUGHTS... I HAVE A FEW OF THOSE GOOD FRIENDS THAT JUST CALL TO SAY I LOVE YOU OR WHATEVER, THANX TO THOSE FOLKS... ANYWAY I THOUGHT THIS PICTURE WOULD BE A GOOD ONE FOR TODAY... SINCE I SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN BARS THIS WEEKEND...GO GAVIN WITH THE LADIES!!! ENJOY!!!

OH JOY, MORE CONFUSION...

ANOTHER DAY SPENT SWIRLING AROUND IN MY CONFOUNDED HEAD... DIDNT REALLY GET MUCH DONE AT WORK, AND FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT TOO... SORRY... I JUST CANT GET IT OUT TODAY, IM NOT FEELING QUITE RIGHT, I THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME... ILL JUST CONTINUE PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS ALLRIGHT...HAPPY DAY..

I DONT ALWAYS WALK AROUND FEELING THAT WAY ITS JUST TO LET THAT SHIT OUT... SOMETIMES IT GETS PRETTY ANGRY UP THERE.. HOW DO I EXPLAIN ALL THAT WITH OUT SOUNDING LIKE THIS CRAZY DEPRESSED PERSON... WELL I REALLY DONT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK... I ALSO DONT WANT PEOPLE TO WORRY ABOUT IT... IF I WOULDNT HAVE DEMONS I WOULDNT BE ME... THREE CHEERS FOR FEELING LIKE CRAP!!!

HOW TO COPE...

HOW TO COPE? OR HOW DO I COPE... THIS SUCKS... THESE DAYS UNTIL MY GLAMOROUS BIRTHDAY... YEAH BORN ON SEPT. 11...TWELVE OR SO DAYS AFTER MY MOMS SUICIDE... SOME TIMES I GET ANGRY THAT SHE DID IT... ILL NEVER KNOW HER PAIN.. THE INFORMATION I GOT WAS CENSORED AND LOOSE AT BEST... WHY DID MY GRANDFATHER DO THE THINGS HE DID... WHY DID NO BODY TELL ME WHAT SHE HAD DONE UNTIL MUCH LATER... FUCKERS I HATE YOU... WELL I HATE WHAT HAPPENED AFTER... THE THINGS BOB DID, HE WAS WASHING HER MEMORIES OUT OF HIS SYSTEM BEFORE SHE HIT THE TABLE... THE POLICE REPORTS SAID SHIT... I KNOW SHE TOOK A LETHAL DOSE OF HEROIN AND INSULIN? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT... MY UNCLE SAYS IT STOPS THE FLOW OF SUGAR TO THE BRAIN...WHAT???
AT HER FUNERAL I GOT UP TO SAY WHAT I HAD TO SAY AND ENDED UP THREATENING PEOPLE IN THE CROWD... I FIRST SAID THANK YOU TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAD HELPED HER ALONG THE WAY AND THAT SHE WILL BE DOING THE SAME FOR THEM, BUT FROM A DIFFERENT PLACE... THEN I DIDNT FINISH WHAT I HAD ORIGINALLY THOUGHT I WOULD SAY, INSTEAD I RIPPED IN TO AN ANGRY TORRENT TO THE PEOPLE WHO HURT HER... STOLE HER MONEY AND SOLD DRUGS AND GUNS FROM HER APARTMENT... I TOLD THEM (SOME OF THEM IN THE CROWD, IM SURE...) THAT I WAS GOING TO HUNT THEM DOWN AND FUCKING KILL THEIR FAMILIES... OH I WAS PISSED... THEN EVERYONE ELSE GOT TO SAY THEIR NICE THINGS ABOUT MY MOM... APPARENTLY SHE SOLD HER HOUSE AND BOUGHT CRACK!!! WHAT THE FUCK... WHO THE HELL DO YOU BUY A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS OF CRACK FROM??? WHY DID THE FUCKING POLICE DO NOTHING... WHY WAS THE NOTE SHE LEFT BLACKED OUT WHERE NAMES WHERE... WHY DID I GET A COPY, WAS THERE MORE TO THE ORIGINAL... WHY WAS THE NEXT OF KIN BOX EMPTY... WHY THE BOX FOR INSURANCE PAYMENT FILLED OUT WITH MY GRANDFATHERS NAME...
YEAH, WANNA KNOW WHY I HATE MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY... NOT BECAUSE ITS A NATIONAL DAY OF MORNING IN THIS COUNTRY, BUT BECAUSE IT WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY MOTHERS FUCKING LIFE... AND EVERY YEAR I GET TO REMEMBER NOT BEING THERE FOR HER... EVER... HALF THE PEOPLE AT THE FUNERAL DIDNT EVEN KNOW SHE HAD A CHILD.. THIS IS HOW SHE DEALT WITH HER GUILT OF ME... I GUESS... IF NOBODY KNOWS, THEN THERE IS NO PROBLEM... I KNEW SHE DID DRUGS... IVE DONE THEM WITH HER... I KNEW SHE DRANK, I DRANK TONS WITH HER... FUCK..
I NEVER LOOKED FOR ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE... I NEVER CONTACTED THE POLICE AGAIN AFTER THEY SAID THERE REALLY WAS NO CASE... IVE NEVER BEEN TO THE DOCTORS OFFICE TO CONFRONT THE FUCKING BASTARDS THERE FOR MAKING HER THINK SHE WAS CRAZY... I NEVER TALKED TO MY GRANDFATHER AFTER IT ALL HAPPENED... I NEVER DID ANY THING... I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE THE ISLAND OF NANIEMO, IF I WAS TO COME BACK AND BE FOUND THERE I WOULD BE DEPORTED... SO I DID... IM THE PIECE OF SHIT MY MOM WAS TOO EMBARRASSED TO TALK ABOUT... SORRY MUM, I KNOW I LET YOU DOWN... WHO AM I TO BE ANGRY, IM THE REASON YOUR DEAD...

WHERE THE VOICES COME FROM...

YEAH...SO MUCH SPENT ON WAITING FOR DIAL UP... BUT ORIGINAL THOUGHTS DONT HAPPEN WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE LUXURIES OF LIFE TO WORK IN YOUR FAVOR... I WAS FULLY READY TO UNLEASH THIS ANGRY TORRENT OF BULLSHIT OUT ONTO HERE... LUCKY YOU, SPARED BY DIAL UP... HAD SO MUCH TO SAY, THEN BY THE TIME THIS SCREEN POPPED UP, READY FOR ME TO EXPLODE I WAS LAUGHING AT FUCKING COMPUTER... THIS IS PATHETIC... ALL OF THIS SUCKS... IM LOSING MY MIND.. I CANT REMEMBER SHIT... FOR EXAMPLE... RIGHT NOW I SWEAR THE KEYBOARD IM USING IS DIFFERENT THEN THE ONE AT MY WORK... (NOT DRUNK, NOT TOO STONED...) BUT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE BUTTONS??? IM HAVING TO LOOK AT THEM TO HIT THE RIGHT ONES... NORMALLY I CAN DO IT BY MEMORY? FUCK I HAD A PROBLEM NOT TWO MINUTES AGO WHERE I COULDNT CONVERT MILITARY TIME OVER INTO A STANDARD TWELVE HOUR DAY... AND ITS BEEN HAPPENING MORE AND MORE... WHAT THE FUCK!!! ARRG... THATS WHAT THE HELL IS ADDING TO MY MOOD... YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... ALL THIS WORK CRAP MEANS NOTHING... LEFT THAT SHIT BEHIND... WAIT... DONT BITCH ABOUT IT THEN... I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET IT ALL OUT... RIGHT NOW IF I STOPPED BREATHING IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD THING... IM TIRED...YEAH MORE WHINING...

FUNNY THOUGHT.. IM ACCUALLY LAUGHING IN SIDE...IM DRINKING WINE.. APPARENTLY A PUN NOT INTENDED...

WHERE DO I PUT ALL THIS ENERGY... THIS ANGER AND HATRED TOWARDS MYSELF? WHY DO I FEEL I HAVE TO PUT IT SOMEWHERE.. CANT I LET IT GO? RELEASE IT... WHY DO I FEEL LIKE ITS MORE OF AN IMPLOSION... LOCK IT UP.. HIDE IT... THATS NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE... WHY DOES DEATH ALWAYS SEEM BETTER...NOT EASIER... IS IT SOMETHING YOU REALLY HAVE TO WORK FOR... IS THAT IT, IS THAT WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR WHOLE LIVES TO GET IT??? IS THAT WHY SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE DIE EARLY??? BECAUSE LIFE IS SO PAINFUL... YOU HAVE TO WORK TO GET TO THE END... IS THAT WHY EVIL PEOPLE LIVE LONGER LIVES...IS THIS HELL? AM I TRULEY EVIL AND DESERVE TO SUFFER FOR SO LONG...IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE WE DECIDE WHERE WE GO AFTER?? WHAT??? POOR YOU... DEAL WITH IT...

FUCK IT... WHERE WAS THAT GOING... AND THEN THERE IS ME... THE BY PRODUCT OF RATIONAL THOUGHTS...ME... WHO EVERY KNOWS... HI TO ALL... I THINK IM THE FORTH OR FIFTH VOICE LET OUT IN THIS POST... THIS IS RIDICULOUS... IM SO DARK, OOOHH...

I THINK I WRITE LIKE THIS, WITH ALL THE PERIODS SO THAT I UNDERSTAND ALL THE SHORT SPACES IN BETWEEN THINGS... THAT THERE ARE TIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF SENTENCES WHERE EVERYONE ELSE INSIDE MY HEAD SCREAMS SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE.. THATS SOMETHING... WHAT EVER...WHO GIVES A SHIT..

JUST GENERALLY BENT OUT OF SHAPE...

YEAH SO WHAT...OOH IM IN A CRANK MOOD... DOESNT HELP THAT THE HIRED SLACKER IS IN MY SHOP ALL DAY MILKING THE CLOCK AND NOBODY IS DOING ANYTHING... I WAS TOLD TO LEAVE WORK LAST WEEK CAUSE I GOT MOUTHY AND SAID "HOW MUCH TROUBLE WOULD I GET IN IF I PUNCH THAT FUCKER IN THE FACE ON THE CLOCK" YEP SO IM FEELING THIS WAY AGAIN... I WANT TO FIRE THE GUY BUT ONCE A WEEK THEY FIND A USE FOR HIM... HE SAYS IM NOT NICE TO HIM... BITCH.. GET TO WORK!!! ILL GIVE YOU SOME RESPECT WHEN YOU FUCKING DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN TALK TO YOUR INTERNET GIRLFRIEND ON THE PHONE...

YEAH SO CAN YOU TELL IM MOODY TODAY... YEP DRANK GOOD AND PLENTY LAST NIGHT... AND PLAN ON DRINKING SOME MORE TONIGHT... MY COUSIN CHRIS CALLED AND SAID HE WILL BE DRIVING THROUGH TOWN THIS EVENING WITH SOME BUDDIES... SOUNDS GOOD... I HAVENT SEEN HIM IN YEARS AND HE IS A REAL SUCCESSFUL DUDE... COOL... WHAT ELSE IS PISSING ME OFF TODAY.. YEAH LETS BE A LITTLE COMPLAINER.... SORRY...

WELL FUCK... JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND BE BENT OUT OF SHAPE UNTIL I GET SOME DRINKING DONE... MAYBE ILL GO GET A SCREWDRIVER WITH LUNCH... ONCE I STOP THINKING ABOUT WORK ILL BE BETTER...IM GONNA PUNCH THAT DUDE IN THE FACE...WELL SOMEDAY

HEY MUM...

ILL BE DRINKING THIS WEEK MORE THEN USUAL... MY MOMS SUICIDE HAPPENED FOUR YEARS AGO RIGHT AROUND NOW... SHE LAID IN A COMA FOR AWHILE SO IM NOT SUR WHEN SHE REALLY DIED...WAS IT WHEN SHE CHOSE TO DIE, DURING THE COMA, WHEN MY UNCLE PULLED THE PLUG? I DUNNO, NEVER HAVING GOT TO SEE HER IN THE COMA MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO DECIPHER.. WHEN I SAW HER BODY AFTER THE MACHINES SHE WASNT IN IT... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? YEAH SURE IT WAS MY MOMS BODY BUT I DIDNT GET THE FEELING THAT SHE WAS IN IT... IS THAT BETTER? WELL ITS A TOUGH WEEK ANYWAY, PUTTING ON THAT FACE EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE AND BE AROUND... YUP DRINKING ALOT... ITS EASIER TO HANG WITH MY FRIENDS INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOUSE NOW, BUT ILL TRY TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MY SELF, SINCE I DONT REALLY SHARE THESE THOUGHTS WITH ANYBODY...SURE, SURE YOU ALL GET TO READ IT AND SOME ACUALLY REMEMBER THE GENERAL TIME TOO...

IM GLAD MY MOMS SUFFERING IS OVER AND WISH I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT MORE FOR HER...( I WASNT THERE FOR HER AT THE END AND REALLY DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AS I WAS NOT GETTING ALONG WITH HER SIDE OF THE FAMILY FOR A WHILE...) THEY DIDNT THINK IT WAS MY BUSINESS TO KNOW... AND AFTER HER SUICIDE THEY HURRIED TO ERASE ALL TRACES OF HER... FUCKING ASSHOLES!!! I HATE THEM FOR THAT... SHE WAS A PERSON, A MOM, A SISTER, A DAUGHTER, AND ADDICT, A DRUNK, A GOOD FUCKING PERSON!!! SO WHAT... I FUCKED UP... I NEVER CALLED HER, I NEVER KNEW SHE GOT ON CRACK... SHE NEVER SAID... I WAS NEVER TOLD... I NEVER KNEW... MAYBE I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW... I WAS SO ANGRY THEN... AND NOW THEY ARE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT HER...TO SAY THE WORD SUICIDE... WELL HEY MY MOM FUCKING KILLED HERSELF AND NOBODY HELPED HER!!!!

WOAH... I NEED TO CALM DOWN... I AM JUST TRYING TO SAY I MISS YOU MOM, YOU WERE WONDERFUL!!! IM HERE BECAUSE OF YOU, WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE, I WOULD NOT BE THE PERSON WHO I AM... IM GLAD YOUR SUFFERING IS OVER AND WILL ULTIMATELY SEE YOU SOON!!!

IVE FOUND

I FOUND THIS WEBSITE THE OTHER DAY... REALLY WELL WEIRD... I FOUND MYSELF GETTING INVOLVED WITH OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS... ITS SORT OF A HELP LINE FOR ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE FEELING ALL KINDS OF THINGS... THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THERE...ITS NOT SUCH A CHAT ROOM AS MUCH AS A SUPPORT GROUP... ANY WAY HERE IT IS : http://www.enotalone.com/forum/index.php

YEAH I HAVE NOT BEEN POSTING ANYTHING GOOD IN A WHILE... HAD THE STEAM BLOWN OUT OF MY WHISTLE, BUT OTHER THAN THAT I HAVE BEEN FEELING ALL RIGHT... REALLY BUSY, SUPER BUSY... BUT I HAVE THE INTERNET AT HOME NOW...(IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT...) LOTS HAPPENING... AND REALLY WANTING TO QUIT SMOKING.. HOPING THIS INSURANCE THING HAPPENS FOR ME SOON... WOULD LIKE SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP WITH IT... IM STARTING TO FEEL GUILTY WHEN I SMOKE...LIKE ITS STARTING TO HIT HOME THAT IM SLOWLY KILLING MY SELF...AND AS MY BIRTHDAY APPROACHES IT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE...UNLESS IM DRUNK AND NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN A SMOKE... SWEET TOBACCO... YUCK... I WANT TO QUIT SO BAD...I DUNNO IF MY BIRTHDAY WAS A GOOD CUT OFF... ALOT OF IT WILL DEPEND ON THE INSURANCE... SEE EVEN TALKING ABOUT SMOKING GIVES ME THE URGE.. I UH... HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.... (YEAH RIGHT) PUFF PUFF PUFF

DAMN...DIAL-UP

I HAVE NOT FELT THE LAG TIME OF DIAL UP IN BLOODY AGES... SUX MY ASS... I HAD ALL THESE THINGS I WANTED TO GET OUT AND WACK... A FOUR MINUTE UPLOAD...JUST TO GET HERE... ITS RUNNING AT 49.2 KBPS... WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS...SOUNDS SUPER SLOW??? WELL YEAH...

I WAS JUST FEELING LUCKY THIS EVENING... WIERD YEAH I KNOW...ME FEELING LUCKY... BUT SURE AS SHIT THERE I SAT WITH THIS POOR ME ATTITUDE FADEING AWAY AND THIS HOLEY SHIT FEELING HAPPENING TO ME... I HAVE A LOT OF REALLY GOOD FRIENDS... GREAT ONES... I DONT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO GIVE THEM ALL THAT I COULD AND HAVE TIME FOR ME... POOR ME... TO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE... WHO AM I TO DESERVE ALL THESE GOOD PEOPLE... WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN??? WELL THATS ALL I CAN SAY... I DONT WANT THIS TO TURN INTO SOMETHING ITS NOT... JUST WANTED TO ANONOMOUSLY SAY THANK YOU AND I DO LOVE THEM ALL... WITHOUT YOU THERE WOULD NOT BE A ME... "I AM WHO I HAVE MET, WHERE I HAVE BEEN AND WHAT I HAVE DONE" (I SAID THAT LIKE TEN YEARS AGO...)

WHAT THE FUCK

IT SEEMS I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME HERE BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT THIS OR THAT... HOW DO I CUT THAT SHIT OUT??? HOW DO I NOT TALK ABOUT MY DAILY CRAP ON HERE... WELL I WRITE MOSTLY AT WORK SO THATS ABOUT WHAT GOES ON HERE...

WELL IVE BEEN TRYING TO DO THINGS A LITTLE DIFFERENT LATELY... I KNOW I KEEP SAYING THAT SHIT IN A NEGATIVE MANNER BUT THINGS ARE STARTING TO WORK OUT... JUST CHANGING MY ROUTINE A SMALL BIT AT A TIME... TRYING TO REDUCE MY STRESS LEVELS... DO FUN THINGS... PROBLEM IS IVE ALSO BEEN DRINKING ALOT LATELY AS WELL.. EVERYTHING INVOLVE DRINKING.. THE SOFTBALL GAMES, CAMPING, SHIT EVEN WENT FISHING THIS WEEKEND (OF COURSE WITH BEER... ) IM HOPING THAT WHEN I DECIDE TO STOP SMOKING THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE EVEN MORE... I WANT TO BE IN BETTER SHAPE... I LOOK AT LEVIS ARMS AND THINK "I USED TO HAVE THOSE ARMS..." MY LEGS USED TO BE POWER HORSES... NOT BRAGGING BUT THEY LOOKED GOOD ENOUGH THAT PEOPLE USED TO COMMENT... NO MORE.. IM FAT... PLAIN AND SIMPLE... ITS NOT THAT IM TERRIBLY LAZY... JUST HAVE A LOT OF EXTRA FAT... QUITTING SMOKING WILL HELP THAT TOO... ILL NEED SHIT TO FILL IN THE SPACES WHEN IM THINKING ABOUT SMOKING... MAY BE DO THOSE PUSH UPS I USED TO DO... ANYWAY...

I NEED TO START THINKING ABOUT SOME OTHER POSITIVE SHIT AS WELL.. NEED TO GET BACK UP TO CANADA AND HANG OUT WITH MY FAMILY THERE... WANT TO BE MORE OF A PART OF ALL THAT... BE MORE INVOLVED WITH MIKE AND HOW THINGS ARE WORKING OUT FOR HIM... MY MOMS ANNIVERSARY IS COMING UP AGAIN AND I WANT TO DISAPPEAR FOR WHILE BUT THATS JUST DESTRUCTIVE... I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY I WANT TO LEAVE BUT, WELL I KNOW WHAT IT IS...IM LYING... I WANT TO BE GONE FOR MY BIRTHDAY, CHRISTMAS ALL THAT SHIT... I HATE EXPECTATIONS... ANYWAY... YEAH POOR ME...FUCK YOU...

ILL GET IT SOON... YOU KNOW MY BODY IS A TEMPLE... WHY DO I FILL IT WITH SHIT INSTEAD OF GOOD THINGS??? I DUNNO... THATS JUST MY LIFE.. TO THE EXTREME... WITH EVERYTHING... IT JUST SEEMS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS ITS BEEN EXTREME PARTYING... TIME TO CHANGE THAT UP A LITTLE BIT.. I HAVE A LOT OF OTHER INTERESTS THAT NEED ATTENDING TO... ILL GET THERE... JUST HAVE TO GET OFF THE MAGIC BUS FIRST...

THOUGHT ID PUT THIS PICTURE ON THERE TODAY BECAUSE IT IS KIND OF HITTING HOME FOR ME RIGHT NOW... I NEED TO CUT THAT SHIT OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW, WHILE I HAVE THE CHANCE...

DEATH???

ITS ALL AROUND US NOW...THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY MOMS SUICIDE IS COMING UP... MY FRIENDS UNCLE JUST DIED.. TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS GRANDFATHERS DIED THIS WEEK... THE TWO BOYS WHO DIED LAST WEEK!!! I COULD GO ON FOR A FEW MORE...

SECRETLY I THINK THAT PEOPLE AROUND ME HAVE BAD SHIT HAPPEN TO THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR INVOLVEMENT IN MY LIFE... THAT MY EVIL IS LEECHING ON TO THEM...I TRY TO STAY POSITIVE, I TRY TO KEEP THE DEMONS AWAY, I TRY TO BE THERE FOR EVERY ONE... I TRY... I THINK ABOUT DEATH, MY FAMILY THINKS ABOUT DEATH AND DIEING... WHAT THE FUCK... WEIRD SHIT IS HAPPENING THIS LAST TWO MONTHS... I WISH I COULD PUT A FINGER ON IT.. BUT SOMETIMES I THINK THAT I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT... I HOPE THAT IS NOT TRUE... I DO LOVE MY FRIENDS VERY MUCH AND NEVER WANT ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO THEM...

SORRY TO ALL....

I DELETED A POST FROM MY COUSIN THAT CONTAINED INFORMATION I DID NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE... NOTHING PERSONAL TO ANY ONE BUT ME... IF SOMEONE IS INTERESTED I DONT MIND SHARING WITH THOSE I KNOW AND WRITE TO... SHE IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND DONT WANT TO BETRAY ANY TRUST WITH HER OR YOU ALL... PLEASE ACCEPT THAT AS FACT...
OTHER THAN THAT ITS BEEN A LONG HARD DAY, IVE BEEN WORKING LIKE A DOG...(WAIT ISNT THAT A SONG)... WELL I WILL BE BACK IN HERE SOON... BACK TO THE GRIND..(FUNNY IVE BEEN USING A GRINDER ALL MORNING...)ALL IS WELL IN BRAINLAND THIS AFTERNOON???

WELL SHIT...

IM NOT QUITE SURE WHERE IM AT THESE DAYS...IVE BEEN GOING NON STOP FOR WEEKS IT SEEMS... I JUST GOT TO SLEEP IN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS (WELL THATS HOW IT FEELS) AND I JUST DONT GET TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AT HOME AS I WANT TO... SO MANY THINGS TO DO THERE... BITCH BITCH BITCH... I KNOW IT... BLAZE WANTS ME TO WORK MORE, I THINK... IM READY TO GIVE THEM MORE TIME... I NEED THE MONEY... IM ALL DISTRACTED RIGHT NOW... I CANT KEEP MY MIND ON ANY ONE THING... I THINK IVE CAUGHT SOME OF ERICS A.D.D.

WELL SHIT... SOME MANY THOUGHTS SWIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD AND I CANT GRAB AT ANY OF THEM... I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NOT BEEN WRITING AS HONESTLY AS I COULD BE... FEAR OF PEOPLE READING WHAT I WRITE PERHAPS... OR SOMEONE IN PARTICULAR... WELL IF THATS TRUE I SHOULDNT EVEN BOTHER WRITING ON HERE AT ALL... BUT I DO WRITE AS HONESTLY AS I CAN.. I JUST DONT WRITE ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS I GUESS... I DONT WRITE NON-TRUTHS OR LIE, I GUESS I JUST DONT PUT EVERY THING IN THAT I COULD... LAME I KNOW... HARD TO BELIEVE WHEN I GO BACK AND READ WHAT IVE PUT DOWN THAT THERE COULD POSSIBLY BE ANY MORE, BUT THERE IS... WELL IVE GOT TO GET SOME WORK DONE... TRACTOR BREAK DOWN DAY!!! HAVE A NICE MONDAY...

THIS GUY HAS IT RIGHT...

THIS GUY HAS IT RIGHT ON THE MONEY... HIS BOTTOM PARAGRAPH SAYS IT ALL... I WONDER WHERE HE GOT IT... OR IF IT IS A TRUELY ORIGINAL THOUGHT... IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR BUT, IT DOES SEEM TO BE A GOOD ONE... http://absurdly-insane.blogspot.com/2006/07/snap-goes-mind.html

ITS DIFFERENT

SINCE IVE MOVED THINGS ARE SLOWLY CHANGING... I DONT GET TO DO ALL THE THINGS I USED TO...GO OUT AS MUCH OR AS LATE BLAH BLAH BLAH....BUT I GET TO GO HOME TO A NICE PLACE AND EAT GOOD FOOD...ETC. WELL THATS ALL GOOD BUT ITS HARD WHEN FRIENDS ARE WANTING ME TO STAY OUT LATER... OR WHEN THEY ARE TEASING ME... WHAT EVER, I NEED TO GET OVER IT...

RACH SLIPPED BACK INTO HER OLD MODE... THAT WAS KIND OF A BUMMER.. NO MATTER WHAT I DO ITS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH... I DONT GET IT... I TOOK A SMALL BREAK AND THINGS SEEMED TO BE DOING A LOT BETTER... WE WERE GETTING ALONG, VALUING EACH OTHERS SPACE, AND HAVING SOME GREAT BED TIME MOMENTS... WHAT THE FUCK... IM A BUSY PERSON AND DONT LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE (ANYONE) TRIES TO DICTATE MY LIFE... SORRY... IM A GOOD GOD DAMNED BOYFRIEND... JUST ASK ANY OF MY EX G-FRIENDS... FUCK!

ANY WAY I SHOULD CALL THIS WHAT DOES THE BITCHING MEAN? NO PROFUNDITY IN THIS POSTING IN A WHILE... I NEED TO GET THE INTERNET AT MY HOUSE SO I CAN UNLEASH SOME GOOD SHIT ON HERE... IM STILL SHOOK UP ABOUT MY CO-WORKER...WHAT CAN I DO... WELL EVERY DAY I GIVE THINGS ANOTHER CHANCE AND EVERYDAY I WAKE UP AND GET OUT OF BED...ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER... WELL CAMPING TONIGHT AND DRINKING...SHOULD BE GOOD... BIRTHDAY PARTIES ARE ALWAYS FUN... MAYBE ILL GET LUCKY???

BAD BLOGGER...

I HAVE BEEN SO BLOODY BUSY... NO EXCUSE... IVE BEEN SICK.. EVEN LESS OF AND EXCUSE.. WELL I JUST FINALLY LOADED AND MOVED THE LAST OF MY THINGS FROM MY BLUE HOUSE... YEAH!!! GOOD BYE RANCHO FREAKO!!!! ENJOY THE TWEAKED OUT LAND OWNERS, WHO EVER THEIR NEXT VICTIM MAY BE... I WONDER IF THEY WILL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEIR REMODEL PLANS... OR IF, LIKE ME, THEY JUST MOVE SOME ONE IN... IF THATS THE CASE I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR THE WAY I LEFT THE HOUSE..(ALTHOUGH ITS NOT AS BAD AS THE WAY I MOVED IN!!!) OKAY, SORRY NO BITCHING... AND I HAVE BEEN SICK AS HELL FOR LIKE FOUR DAYS.. NOSE, THROAT, LUNGS FULL OF PAINFUL GOO... JUST ANOTHER REASON TO QUIT SMOKING... I REALLY DO WANT TO QUIT... I WOULD SOME HELP... ITS JUST SO DAMN EXPENSIVE TO BUY THE SMOKING AIDS... NO EXCUSE... JUST QUIT... ITS SO HARD TO MISS THAT FIRST SMOKE... PAINFUL, MY MIND WHEN I DONT HAVE IT... BUT NOW BEING SICK THE ONLY TIME MY LUNGS DONT WANT TO SQUEEZE OUT SOME MUCK IS WHEN IM SMOKING... THERES A SIGN... HELLO PROBLEM...ANYWAY..

THERE IS A MEMORIAL FOR THOSE BOYS ON SUNDAY... I REALLY WANT TO GO...CARMEL BEACH, BAR-B-Q AND THEN THEY ARE HAVING ANOTHER PADDLE OUT AND PRAYER... I HAD TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE... I WAS GETTING CONSUMED... I COULDNT STOP THINKING ABOUT THEIR LAST MOMENTS... SO MANY STORIES WERE ZOOMING AROUND AND I KEPT SEEING THAT IMAGE OF ALEXS FATHER HEAVING AT THE ROPE AND PULLING UP HIS SON... JUST KILLED ME FOR A FEW DAYS... NOW THE MEDIA IS CRYING FOR CIVIL JUSTICE... FUCKERS...

I HAVENT GOT TO SEE AS MUCH OF MY FRIENDS THESE DAYS AS I WANT TO... EITHER I HAVE TO LEAVE BECAUSE I LIVE SO FAR AWAY NOW.. OR IM AT HOME AND DONT GET TO SEE THEM... THINGS WILL WORK OUT SOON... THERE JUST HAS TO BE A NEW ROUTINE... ANYWAY, SOLD THE BOAT BOAT AND THE HOT TUB... DID LIKE FIVE TRIPS TO THE FREE BOX... FIFTY TRIPS TO THE DUMPSTER AND NOW I HAVE TO SORT IT ALL OUT.. WHATEVER... I JUST WANT TO HAVE THAT FEELING LIKE ITS HOME ALREADY... NOT MUCH OF ANY SUBSTANCE IN THIS POSTING... NOT HEARING THE VOICES TODAY...ITS NICE... MAYBE ILL RUN AROUND IN MY UNDEROOS TONIGHT...HAHAHAHAHA....