I left my life somewhere and i cant seem to find it. i have been looking. my life was on a fast track to success, work hard, play hard and look to the future. always had my eye on what was next, expanding, saving, enjoying... this past year my life had changed considerably. started going to the gym, watching what i put into my body, staying away from bars and cutting out daily shots when i got home. healthy body was leading to healthy mind. i was working my same job and tripled my efforts at my other job, all the while trying to maintain a homelife with new additions and and on and off again mother in law living in the back yard. i welcomed the idea, fuck that, fully embraced the idea of a bigger family, my cousin moved out from Canada, cheeses mom, (like i said) was back from her escape in saudi arabia and was staying with us off and on. we had become a medium sized commune. with everyone doing their part and trying not to step on anybody elses toes...
sounds utopic... i guess it wasn't. i did my fucking damnedest to make everyone happy within the situation, i felt like i was doing the best i could. i took charge as head of household, not the boss or dictator but the one person who was going to make sure everyone could talk to and approach. i didn't always have the answers and couldn't make every ones wish come true, but goddamn it, i was going to break a hundred thousand dollars this year and we were all going to reap the benefits as a family!
it was fucking stressful at times, towards the end of the season i had a daily rotation of employees to manage, organize, feed, drive around and pay. harmony in the house started to degrade. demands were made upon me i couldn't abide, it wasn't good for the business and it wasn't good for my soul. in May i had proposed a vacation at the end of October, "first check we receive, we are all getting on the next plane to Hawaii, that minute!" well, the end of October came and went, trip plans got changed and the amount of people who were allowed to go changed. fine, whatever, i worked out new details, spoke the people involved, the invited and uninvited and arranged new dates and plans. November arrived and alls i could think about was getting the fuck off the mountain, i set up some tentative guidelines for departure, got some reliable house/dog/chicken/cat/fish sitters lined up and on board and wham. no Hawaii. no trip, no vacation, just nothing....
the day we where to leave for ten days for Kauai, cheese moved out, well she had already begun the process weeks earlier, but this was the day she had a truck full of boxes and began packing them and filling her truck... i sat there speechless staring at an online scrabble game i was distracting myself with and soon left the house in disbelief...
this is where my life ended as i knew it... now i live in this part of California called limbo. its a shit hole of a place. i wouldn't recommended coming here and do your best to stay away... Ive been living in limbo since the beginning of November. its up to me to leave this place but there are no roads out. no planes, no trails just a large abyss surrounding this place.
cheese and i have spent some time trying to work out a few things, it usually ends up with me getting yelled at and an agreement on some more time and space.. more space beyond the abyss is not what i need. there are things my mechanical mind is having a hard time coming up with anyway to fix. the problem keeps changing, the longer im here in limbo, the more the problems change. we are at the point where we just try to hang out once and a while, just be, enjoy each others company, watch a movie on t.v. etc. without fighting.
i took on all her problems as my own these years, when i added my cousins and cheeses mother problems, i did so happily. shuttling people around, fixing various vehicles, buying new vehicles, lending money, giving money, providing safe and secure living quarters for all. i took it all on, my shoulders are huge, i took it.
and took it. and took it. and took it.... yet at the end of it all, i am the asshole. the one who ruined everything.
when i asked for help for cheese from the mother in law i became an even bigger asshole. she turned the corner, stuck out her proverbial middle finger at me and began counseling her daughter in a way that was perhaps not healthy for our relationship. this advice came from a woman who, well, never mind... i don't want to be the one who talks badly about someone and their lifes choices... im better than that, fuck you connie.
after six years with cheese our relationship had changed, lots for the positive and some for the worse as well. if someone tells your their "anything" is perfect, then well, you know... but there were things we were/are both wanting that we didn't get. we didn't make love often and that is a big problem, i don't know why and to this minute i still try to figure out why... why we didn't, why night after night i said no, i am definitely attracted to her, cheese is beautiful and womanly, but still there was something... i have this sense that she didn't like me as a person, but loved me as a man.. i dunno.
as i sit in what is now left of the home we shared and stare off into the walls, i spend hours contemplating what is wrong with me... how is everything i did/do wrong. how can i not know what an asshole i am... when i point the finger at my self in the mirror upstairs in the bathroom it just doesn't feel right. how can all my feelings be wrong. how can i be so confused about things... from the outside i am a fucking hero, a family man, bread winning, hardworking, funny, approachable dude. how can i not be that on the inside...
so now when i look around for my life, i don't know what direction to look in. i cant seem to think of a life with her and the girls, but i cant think of it going back to what it was and hating myself for being this person Ive been told that Ive become. i rush home everyday still, i am drawn to those ten acres and house on the mountain. although what once was a warm happy place is now a kennel of piss and dog shit. my old infirm kidney failing pit bull and his gay lover charlie are always happy to see me. but this is what my life is now? i clean piss off floors so i can sit on my own couch and stare off into space? why not let them outside during the day when you're at work? well as boys do, they run off and play. my neighborhood doesn't lend itself to lose dogs running amok. neighbors with shotguns, neighbors with wolves as pets and wild animals bigger than they are looking at them as lunch, yeah no... id rather clean my dog kennel of a living room and have them be safe.

the holidays are coming and i feel a good bender coming. perhaps after christmas when i am expected to answer the phone a hundred times and make a hundred phone calls... perhaps after a mind cleansing bender i may be able to see the light. doesn't sound right but everything else Ive been trying doesn't seem to work either...