TWO DEAD...

SO I COULD WRITE THIS LONG EXPLANATION OF WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DONT WANT TO... HE WORKED HERE...FOR THREE SUMMERS NOW... TWO FOR ME... NICE KID... DIDNT WANT TO WORK TOO HARD BUT WHO REALLY DOES ON A SUMMER JOB YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE... I KNOW, I FEEL IT TO... BUT THEY DIED..TWO OF THEM... JUST KIDS, JUST TWO DAYS AGO..ON THE ROCKS OF BIG SUR... FUCKING WEST OF ONE CLUB... I HATE IT... I CANT SEEM TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH OUT LETTING EVERYONE IN THE ROOM KNOW THAT ITS AFFECTING ME... WHY??? I DONT KNOW.. I WASNT TOO CLOSE WITH HIM, BUT I FEEL IT... LITTLE HEATHER CAME IN YESTERDAY DAY AND WE BOTH SAT AND CRIED FOR A WHILE... THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO TELL PEOPLE... I TOLD JANET AT RIVER INN AND SHE STARTED CRYING LIKE YOU WOULDN'T EVER WANT TO SEE... I JUST SAT THERE.. IN MY OWN DESPAIR... IM NOT GOOD AT CONSOLING PEOPLE... I HATED IT WHEN PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO DO IT TO ME... I DONT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH BUT I GUESS I CAN RELATE... I WANT TO JUMP UP AND HOLD THEM BUT I DONT... I CANT.. KIDS SHOW THEIR EMOTION ON THE OUTSIDE... BUT THEY HAVE LESS UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT IT ALL MEANS... (SOME KIDS) I WISH I COULD HELP THEM... THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE, BUT IM TRYING...

ON THE NEWS THEY SHOWED HIS DAD...AFTER SEVENTEEN HOURS OF RESCUE ATTEMPTS, THEY FINALLY BRING THE BODIES UP...TWO OF THEM... AND THERE IS HIS FATHER, HELPING PULL THE ROPE UP, UP, UP THE FOUR HUNDRED FEET OF CLIFF... THEY JUST SHOW HIS BACK AND I CAN SEE RIGHT INTO THIS MAN... HIS SHOULDERS HUNCHED OVER AND PULLING WITH ALL HIS STRENGTH... THE STRENGTH OF A MAN WHO IS GOING TO SEE HIS SON FOR THE LAST TIME... I WATCHED THE CLIP A FEW TIMES MORE... I KNOW THIS PAIN FOR SOME REASON... WITH DEATH YOU JUST HAVE TO SEE FOR YOUR SELF... AND HE WANTED TO SEE... JUST TO BE A PART AND NOT WAIT AT HOME FOR A PHONE CALL... THIS MANS MUSCLES HAD GUILT IN THEM... FOR SOME REASON HE FEELS ITS HIS FAULT... HE COULDNT EVEN TALK WITH THE RESCUERS...JUST WANTED TO WORK, TO BE A PART OF THE LAST FEW MOMENTS OF HIS SONS LIFE... ITS KILLING ME, THAT IMAGE WILL NOW FOREVER BE BURNED INTO ME... IM SORRY FOR YOU SIR... I NEVER SAY IM SORRY WHEN PEOPLE DIE, BUT I AM SORRY FOR THIS MAN... I SOMEHOW KNOW HIS PAIN...

I DIDNT KNOW THE OTHER BOY BUT I HAVE SEEN HIM BEFORE...HE WAS JUST HERE IN THE YARD ON MONDAY I THINK... THE NEWS WILL BLOW THIS UP AND THEN IT WILL ALL FADE...LIKE LAST YEARS DEATHS IN THE VALLEY...HOW ABOUT A COUPLE YEARS AGO WHEN NATS BOYFRIEND DIED... ALL THAT SEEMS TO FADE... NOT FOR THE PARENTS, OR MAYBE JUST NOT THAT SOON... I HATE IT... DEATH... BUT SOMETIMES I SEEM TO WANT IT SO BADLY... BUT TIMES LIKE THESE I AM THANKFUL FOR MY LIFE AND THAT IT WASNT ME...AND THANKFUL THAT MY FATHER IS NOT ON THE END OF THE ROPE PULLING ME UP WITH MY FRIENDS...

I WISH THAT THESE BOYS WOULD TAKE MY ANGELS AS THEIR OWN AND BE FREE FROM THE PAIN OF THIS WORLD... I HOPE IT WAS QUICK(ALTHOUGH I HEARD OTHERWISE) I JUST HOPE THEIR SUFFERING WAS SHORT... HOW DOES IT GO.." ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG" FUCKING HELL... WHY HAS THIS AFFECTED ME SO...

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS AS THEY SEEM

WHY IS THAT? AS SOON AS THINGS SEEM NORMAL, WHAM... I DONT KNOW WHY...ANYWAY...

BUT IM STARTING TO FALL BACK INTO WHAT I SAID I WOULDNT DO...IM GIVING IT ONE MORE SHOT... I HAVE TOO... JUST TO FIND OUT FOR SURE THAT I CAN OR CANT MAKE THINGS GOOD AGAIN... I HOPE IT WORKS OUT AND IM NOT STEPPING ON MY YOU KNOW WHAT... I HOPE IT WORKS...CROSS YOUR FINGERS THAT IM NOT JUST DELAYING THE INEVITABLE...BUT I WILL NOT FIGHT... I WILL JUST LET IT GO AS SOMETHING I TRIED SO FUCKING HARD TO MAKE WORK AND IT JUST WASNT MEANT TO BE...

STILL DONT KNOW WHERE IM GOING

YEAH BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW...I DONT KNOW IF THERE IS A GOD OR WHAT THE HELL IT MEANS TO BELIEVE IN ONE...BUT I TRY TO HAVE AN ABILITY TO REALIZE THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING OUT THERE... I THINK I TRUST IN THE FACT THAT THERE ARE ANGELS OR OVERSEERS OUT THERE... SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE EXPERIENCE BEHIND IT...OLD SOULS... LIVING OR DEAD THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING... IT IS SAID GOD WATCHES OUT FOR DRUNKS AND BABIES... BUT I THINK IT IS MORE LIKE, WELL SOMETHING FROM A PAST LIFE IS WATCHING... OR MAYBE A GROUP OF THEM... IT TAKES A GROUP OF THEM TO KEEP ME ALIVE THATS FOR SURE... AND WHEN I TELL PEOPLE IM SENDING THEM MY ANGELS, I MEAN IT.. I WISH FOR THEM TO HELP OUT WHOEVER NEEDS IT... FRIENDS, FAMILY, MAX... IM SURE HE IS WATCHING OVER ME...BECAUSE IM SO MUCH NICER TO BEAU THEN I EVER WAS WITH MAX... ANYWAY... I DUNNO I JUST HAD THAT THOUGHT IN MY HEAD AS I SAT HERE IN MY PRESCRIBED HOUR OF INTERNET... SO TO THE ANGELS, MUCH LOVE AND I HOPE THAT I MAKE YOU PROUD...EVERY DAY ON THIS FUCKING PLANET IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT IN ITS OWN... THANX FOR THE SUPPORT... AND THANX TO ALL MY FRIENDS AS WELL...

WELL

JUST ANOTHER DAY HERE...ITS ACCUALLY MORNING AND MY BRAIN HAS NOT KICKED IN YET...GOT PRETTY DRUNK LAST NIGHT...I DONT KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED...DROVE OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH D IN THE CAR FOR FUN...ON OUR WAY TO THE SURF LOOK OUT WE WERE ROCKING AND POP...OVER THE SIDE...SHE TOOK IT PRETTY WELL...WE LAUGHED...AND SOME HOW I ALWAYS GET INTO THESE HEAVY CONVERSATIONS WITH HER...WHY??? I DONT KNOW, BUT I THINK SHE WAS COOL WITH THE EVENT... DROPPED HER AT HER HOUSE AND THEN IT GETS FUZZY BUT I ENDED UP STAYING HERE IN THE VALLEY... NO BLANKETS...HALF THE NIGHT I SLEPT IN THE CAB OF MY TRUCK AND THEN I WENT INTO THE HOUSE AND SLEPT ON THE COUCH WITH A TOWEL...

THIS HAS TO BE THE LAMEST POST ON THE WEB YET...BUT IM NOT REALLY AWAKE YET EITHER...COFFEE...COFFEE...COFFEE...

WHAT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE...

SORRY ABOUT THAT.. I GUESS I WAS HAVING A REALLY ROUGH ONE THERE...BLAM I READ IT THIS MORNING AND HOPE NOBODY READ IT...SHIT...BAD DAY... THEY ARE MOSTLY ALL LIKE THAT...BUT SOME ONE LET THAT GUY OUT OF HIS CAGE...HE AND HIS FRIENDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT HERE IN THE WORLD OF THE LIVING...TO ALL A BIG "MY BAD"

SO I STARTED A NEW BATCH OF MOONSHINE THIS WEEK AND SHOULD BE READY FOR DISTILLING BY THIS WEEKEND...GOOD GOOD GOOD... THIS WILL BE A "40 RUM ROD" OR "WHITE LIGHTNING" OR A "THIN WHISKEY" DEPENDING ON WHICH DISTILLERS VERSION OR RECIPE I FOLLOW... BUT ITS JUST SUGAR , WATER AND CHAMPAGNE YEAST...SO... TO ME ITS A WHITE LIGHTNING... SMELLS LIKE SHIT...LOOKS LIKE 5 GALLONS OF BUBBLING SNOTTY PEE...BUT I SHOULD GET ABOUT A GALLON OF 198.6 PROOF NEUTRAL SPIRITS... YEAH THATS WHAT I NEED TO BE DOING IS MAKING MY OWN HOOCH BUT, WHATEVER...

AND EVERYTHING ELSE??? IM TAKING IT DAY BY DAY...ITS HURTING ALOT BUT SO DOES LIFE...SO I WONT BORE THE WORLD WITH THAT PAIN...CHEERS AND HAPPY DRINKING...

KILL ME ALREADY

WHAT THE HELL... I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND AND YET I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO... IVE HAD IT... WE HAD A LONG TALK LAST NIGHT AND I DONT KNOW WHERE THAT PUT US...ITS KILLING ME... MY HEART ACHES... I WANT TO LOVE HER... I REALLY DO...BUT SHE IS NOT THE SAME... IM CRYING...THIS ISNT FAIR... I WANT THE PAIN TO BE OVER ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... IM HURTING HER BY TRYING TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP... TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER... SHE STILL DOESNT TRUST ME...I HATE THAT... I WANT TO BE DEAD SOME TIMES AND I CANT TALK ABOUT THAT WITH HER OR ANYBODY REALLY...THE PEOPLE I DO TALK ABOUT THAT WITH I SEEM TO EXHAUST...THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ANY OF THAT SHIT... EVEN THE ONES WHO GO THROUGH IT OR HAVE GONE THROUGH IT GET TIRED OF ME TOO... I ALWAYS FEEL A SENSE OF DREAD AND A WILLINGNESS TO KILL MYSELF...BUT NOW WHEN I SEEM TO BE HURTING OTHERS IT REALLY KNOCKS ME DOWN... WHAT THE FUCK... I CANT WIN.. IF I LEAVE HER LIKE THIS I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER AND IT HURTS ME AND IF I CONTINUE TO KEEP TRYING IM GETTING ABUSED...FUCK EITHER WAY WE BOTH LOSE AND SUFFER...I GUESS THE QUESTION SHOULD BE WHAT IS THE BEST WAY FOR HEALING??? HOW DO I HEAL MYSELF? HOW DO I HELP HER HEAL AS WELL...

AND THEN I GO AND INVITE A SHIT LOAD OF PEOPLE OVER FOR A PARTY? WHAT AM I FUCKING STUPID??? YEAH I FEEL LIKE SHIT...LETS HIDE ALL THIS LOUSY EMOTION BY HAVING A FUCKING DINNER PARTY... SMART MOVE WING DING!!! YOU IDIOT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! I HATE MYSELF... I WANT TO DROWN IN A SMALL SHALLOW POND OF SHIT, WHERE I HAVE TO FORCE THE FECES INTO MY LUNGS TO END IT... I WANT IT TO BE PAINFUL.. TO BE LONG AND SLOW, SO OTHERS DONT HAVE TO MAKE MY SAME MISTAKES... YEAH POOR ME...CANT GET MY LIFE TOGETHER AND HERE I AM TRYING TO BE A PART OF SOME ONE ELSES AND IM COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE IS HURTING ME...BOO HOO... IM SURE YOU HAVE FUCKED HER UP EVEN WORSE...FIGURE OUT YOUR OWN MADNESS BEFORE YOU POINT A FINGER AND SAY "EVIL BITCH" AGAIN.... LOOK INSIDE...LISTEN TO YOU SELF...YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HEAR?? I HATE YOU..THATS WHAT IM SAYING TO YOU ZACK...YOU ARE SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT...GO HAVE FUN AT YOUR LITTLE DINNER PARTY... AND PRETEND YOU HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER...GO ON...

QUIT BITCHING

YEAH I THINK ITS ABOUT TIME TO QUIT BITCHING...NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT...I DONT LIKE TO HEAR MY FRIENDS CONSTANTLY PISS AND WHINE..WHAT MAKES ME THINK THAT THE EMPTY EARS OF CYBER SPACE(AND MY FEW READERS,THANK YOU) WANT TO HEAR IT EITHER...I MEAN IM STILL FEELING THAT SHIT BUT I CANT LET IT ALL OUT ON HERE EITHER... I WANT TO BE BETTER... AND IM FINDING OUT QUITE QUICKLY THAT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS REALLY FUCKING STRESSING ME OUT.. I NEED TO DRAW THE LINE... I KEEP SAYING THIS IS THE LAST TIME...NO THIS IS THE LAST TIME..WELL THINGS ARE BETTER THIS WEEK, OOPS WELL THIS IS THE LAST TIME... I SOUND LIKE SOME ABUSED SPOUSE THATS MAKING UP REASONS TO STICK AROUND... I NEED TO BE THE ONE WHO FIGURES IT OUT... STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN SAY "IM SORRY BUT NO MORE" THE MOVE HAS HELPED OUT ALOT...WHEN I GOT THE NEW PLACE IT LIFTED MY SHOULDERS AND GAVE ME A SPURT OF ENERGY INTO THE RIGHT DIRECTION... I WANT TO CONTINUE IN THAT LINE OF THOUGHT...(THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE BUT I DONT EITHER) WORK SEEMS TO BE GOOD RIGHT NOW, ALL THE PROJECTS I WANT TO DO ARE THERE FOR ME TO HAVE AT IT... AND BESIDES MY FUCK UP AT THE BANK THIS WEEK, I THINK ILL BE OK WITH MONEY...I HOPE...THE BILLS KEEP PILING UP BUT WHOSE NOT USED TO THAT... MY EXTRA MONEY FOR NEXT YEAR FELL THROUGH(THANX ALOT BUDDY, WHO WAS TOO BUSY WITH THE WORLD CUP TO FOLLOW UP WITH YOUR PROMISE)ASSHOLE... WELL I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK...THESE GUYS BREAK TRACTORS FASTER THEN I CAN FIX THEM...

FUCKING RIGHT IM TIRED

TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF ARGUING...IMAGINE THAT...FUCKING RIGHT IM TIRED...I NEED A BREAK...I CANT FIX YOU! I CANT DEFUSE YOU EVERY TIME YOU SNAP! NOT MY JOB...RIGHT... IM HERE TO BE WITH YOU.. NOT CONTROL YOU AND YOUR ANGER TOWARDS ME... IM NOT WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE!!! FIGURE IT OUT... IM ME.. ALL WHO KNOWS ME, KNOWS ME THAT WAY...I WILL FOREVER BE ME... IM NOT A BAD PERSON.. IM NOT FUCKING PERFECT BUT I AM WHO I WANT TO BE!!! I CANT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF BY MAKING ME FEEL BAD!!! STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME!!! PLEASE!!! I WILL NOT LAST MUCH LONGER!!! IM NOT MAKING YOU FEEL BAD!!! YOU JUST LIKE TO YELL AT ME AND TAKE YOUR SHIT OUT ON ME!!! STOP OR I WILL NOT BE HERE FOR YOU AT ALL... PLEASE...

AT LIFES SPEED..

THINGS ARE GOING SO FAST NOW I DONT HAVE A CHANCE TO CATCH UP...I FOUND MY SELF WITH THE SAME CLOTHES ON THAT IVE BEEN WEARING FOR A WEEK... PASS OUT, GET UP AND GO!!! NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST OR LUNCH...WORK WORK AND PACK AND DRINK AND DRIVE AND UN PACK AND WORK AND DRINK AND PASS OUT AND GET UP AND START IT ALL OVER AGAIN.. NOW IM PACKING TO GO CAMPING...TOOK MY FIRST SHOWER IN THE NEW HOUSE...NICE HOT WATER!!! BUT HERE I AM WORKING(WELL SORT OF) AND AS SOON AS IM DONE IM GOING TO TRY AND HELP A FRIEND MOVE SOME FURNITURE AND THE RACE DOWN THE COAST TO HURRY UP AND DRINK AND DRIVE MOTORCYCLES AND SHOOT AT TARGETS AND LISTEN TO WHATEVER CRAZY BANDS THEY WILL HAVE THERE...ALL THE WHILE LOOKING OUT FOR MY DOG AND MAKING SURE NON OF THE OVERACTIVE BOYZ TRIES TO SNEAK INTO MY COUSINS PANTS...I KNOW SHE IS SMARTER THAT THAT BUT I STILL CHECK IN WITH HER... THEN HURRY UP AND COME HOME ON SUNDAY TO WATCH THE LAME FINAL SOCCER GAME THEN JAM OVER TO TRAVIS' HOUSE FOR BBQ AND FUN BY THE POOL...THEN PASS OUT, GET UP GOTO THE RIVER TURN THE PUMP ON, GET SOME SUN AND BUST ASS OVER TO THE AIRPORT TO DROP MY COUSIN OFF FOR HER FLIGHT TO CANADA....OH YEAH EVERY TIME I GO UP TO THE CANYON DONT FORGET THAT IM MOVING STILL, SO INBETWEEN ALL THE DRIVING AND DRINKING IM LOADING AND UNLOADING MY TRUCK...FUCKING STRESS, WHO HAS TIME FOR IT THIS WEEK...I THINK THATS WHERE THE VOICES HAVE BEEN...HIDING...THEY DONT WANT ME TO KNOW WHERE THEY ARE FOR FEAR THAT I ACCUALLY MIGHT BE ABLE TO CONTROL THEM... ANY WAY I SHOULD BE WORKING....NOT SITTING HERE TRYING TO GET MY BRAIN IN ORDER...." YES, I WOULD LIKE A FULL ORDER OF SCRAMBLED BRAINS PLEASE..."

CORRECTION

I DONT MIND THE COMPANY...BELIEVE ME IF I DIDNT WANT PEOPLE THERE I WOULD SIMPLY SAY..."GET THE FUCK OUT!!!" IN A NICE AND NON CONFRONTATIONAL MANNER...DIDNT WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY SELF INFLICTED ANGST...JUST AM GETTING WEARY OF NOT HAVING MY Z TIME TO GET THINGS IN ORDER...I FEEL LIKE IVE BEEN PARTYING NON STOP FOR DAYZ, WELL WEEKS, SHIT YEARS...WELL I HAVE BUT I STILL LIKE A LITTLE DOWN TIME TO SIT AND READ OR WATCH THE MOVIE LIKE FIVE TIMES IN A DAY AND DO NOTHING OTHER THAT SCRATCH MYSELF AND MOPE...THATS ALL..NOT THAT MY SPACE IS INVADED OR ANYTHING...ARE WE COOL...

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

IVE HAD COMPANY FOR LIKE FIVE MONTHS NOW...NON STOP... I JUST WANT TO COME HOME AND HAVE THE LOOK LIKE I LEFT IT...CLEAN OR DIRTY...YA HERE ME...BITCH BITCH BITCH...MOAN MOAN MOAN... POOR ME... WELL IVE MOVED LIKE TEN PERCENT OF MY SHIT...AND IM TIRED OF PACKING AND MOVING...(MORE BITCHING) THE ONLY LIGHT IN ALL THIS IS MY COUSIN IS HERE..WHAT A GREAT LITTLE WOMAN...YEAH...BUT NOW IM TIRED AND JUST WANT TO TAKE A NAP!!!(MORE MOANING) ANYWAY SORRY TO ALL OUT THERE WHO HAVE NOT HEARD FROM ME!!!IM STILL HERE IM JUST WICKED BUZY...ILL BE BACK SOON...

ALL GOES WELL

SO TODAY I HOPE TO PICK UP THE KEYS...IM PICKING UP MY COUSIN AT THE AIRPORT...AND WE SHOULD HAVE A GOOD TIME...IM A LITTLE HUNG OVER THIS MORNING...AND THE SOCCER GAME KINDA SUX..TIRED AND SOME ONE IS READING THIS OVER MY SHOULDER...AND NOW MY BREAKFAST IS HERE...IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT PERSCRIPTION AID FOR QUITTING SMOKING...THAT MIGHT BE IT...THE GUM MAKES MY TEETH HURT.. THE PATCH ITCHS LIKE CRAZY AND MAKES ME WICKED IRRATABLE...COLD TURKEY? HAHAHA..NOT AGAIN...MABEY ILL DO SOME MORE RESEARCH...SORRY IM NOT FEELING THIS TODAY...MAYBE TOMORROW...