KILL ME ALREADY

WHAT THE HELL... I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND AND YET I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO... IVE HAD IT... WE HAD A LONG TALK LAST NIGHT AND I DONT KNOW WHERE THAT PUT US...ITS KILLING ME... MY HEART ACHES... I WANT TO LOVE HER... I REALLY DO...BUT SHE IS NOT THE SAME... IM CRYING...THIS ISNT FAIR... I WANT THE PAIN TO BE OVER ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... IM HURTING HER BY TRYING TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP... TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER... SHE STILL DOESNT TRUST ME...I HATE THAT... I WANT TO BE DEAD SOME TIMES AND I CANT TALK ABOUT THAT WITH HER OR ANYBODY REALLY...THE PEOPLE I DO TALK ABOUT THAT WITH I SEEM TO EXHAUST...THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ANY OF THAT SHIT... EVEN THE ONES WHO GO THROUGH IT OR HAVE GONE THROUGH IT GET TIRED OF ME TOO... I ALWAYS FEEL A SENSE OF DREAD AND A WILLINGNESS TO KILL MYSELF...BUT NOW WHEN I SEEM TO BE HURTING OTHERS IT REALLY KNOCKS ME DOWN... WHAT THE FUCK... I CANT WIN.. IF I LEAVE HER LIKE THIS I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER AND IT HURTS ME AND IF I CONTINUE TO KEEP TRYING IM GETTING ABUSED...FUCK EITHER WAY WE BOTH LOSE AND SUFFER...I GUESS THE QUESTION SHOULD BE WHAT IS THE BEST WAY FOR HEALING??? HOW DO I HEAL MYSELF? HOW DO I HELP HER HEAL AS WELL...

AND THEN I GO AND INVITE A SHIT LOAD OF PEOPLE OVER FOR A PARTY? WHAT AM I FUCKING STUPID??? YEAH I FEEL LIKE SHIT...LETS HIDE ALL THIS LOUSY EMOTION BY HAVING A FUCKING DINNER PARTY... SMART MOVE WING DING!!! YOU IDIOT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! I HATE MYSELF... I WANT TO DROWN IN A SMALL SHALLOW POND OF SHIT, WHERE I HAVE TO FORCE THE FECES INTO MY LUNGS TO END IT... I WANT IT TO BE PAINFUL.. TO BE LONG AND SLOW, SO OTHERS DONT HAVE TO MAKE MY SAME MISTAKES... YEAH POOR ME...CANT GET MY LIFE TOGETHER AND HERE I AM TRYING TO BE A PART OF SOME ONE ELSES AND IM COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE IS HURTING ME...BOO HOO... IM SURE YOU HAVE FUCKED HER UP EVEN WORSE...FIGURE OUT YOUR OWN MADNESS BEFORE YOU POINT A FINGER AND SAY "EVIL BITCH" AGAIN.... LOOK INSIDE...LISTEN TO YOU SELF...YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HEAR?? I HATE YOU..THATS WHAT IM SAYING TO YOU ZACK...YOU ARE SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT...GO HAVE FUN AT YOUR LITTLE DINNER PARTY... AND PRETEND YOU HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER...GO ON...