HELMUTH

YESTERDAY MARKED THE ONE YEAR MEMORIAL OF HIS PASSING...ALL DAY SEEMED A LITTLE OFF...WEIRD EVENTS HAPPENED...FRANK HATHAWAY BACKED HIS SKID LOADER FIFTY FEET OFF A NEAR VERTICAL CLIFF AND NOT A SCRATCH...SOMEONE WAS WATCHING...PEOPLE IN THE YARD WERE WORKING LATE, AGAIN IT FELT LIKE SOME THING WAS THERE...THEN WE WENT TO WATCH THE SUNSET WITH KENDRA AND SHE WAS CRYING...I SPOKE UP AND SAID THAT WE SHOULD BE SAYING A FEW MORE THINGS ABOUT HELMUTH... I RAMBLED ON ABOUT HOW HE WAS A NATURAL AT THINGS AND HOW IF HE WERE STANDING THERE WITH US HE WOULD LOOKING OUT OVER THE AREA AND TAKING MENTAL NOTE OF HIS SURROUNDINGS AND WHAT WORK NEEDED TO BE DONE...(WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT ON PURPOSE) NOBODY ELSE WANTED TO SAY ANYTHING...EVERY CHANCE WAS TAKEN TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT AND MOVE ON...WE WERE THERE TO...TO FUCKING... DOESNT MATTER... I THINK THAT DEATH MAKES PEOPLE REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE...I GUESS I UNDERSTAND...I WANTED TO TALK...I WANTED TO HEAR STORIES...I WANTED TO CRY WITH KENDRA BUT THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT FUCKING SURF!!! WHAT EVER... I TALK TO HELMUTH WHEN EVER THE HELL I FEEL LIKE IT...A COUPLE OF PEOPLE DID COME UP AND SAY TO ME THAT WAS NICE..SO IT WASNT TOO DISRESPECTFUL...I DUNNO TALKING ABOUT DEATH AND DIEING ISNT TOO HARD FOR ME...I THINK IVE HAD A BIT TOO MUCH IT IN MY LIFE BUT...I...FUCK...AM I DESENSITISED TO IT? AM I COLD HEARTED? AM I NOT AWARE THAT IT HURTS OTHERS? I JUST WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THINGS...THREE CHEERS TO HELMUTH!!!HOORAH, HOORAH, HOORAH!!!! FUCK YA...I MISS HIM...HE IS THE REASON THAT IVE BEEN ABLE TO STAY HERE FOR SO LONG...WELL ONE OF THE REASONS...I THINK IT WAS A COMBINATION OF OUR STUBBORNNESS AND ABILITIES TO MAKE SHIT SIMPLY HAPPEN THAT KEPT ME HERE AT BLAZE AND IN BIG SUR...(AND IN HIS HEART) WHERE IS HE NOW??? SHIT... HES KEEPING FRIENDS FROM DRIVING OFF CLIFFS AND PUSHING PEOPLE TO DO BETTER...ALWAYS WATCHING...I LOVE YOU HELMUTH..

BRAIN DEAD

OKAY...BETWEEN THE ACID, THE POT COOKIES AND THE FIVE CASES OF BEER I DRANK THIS PAST SIX DAYS I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO REMOVE THE VOICES FROM MY HEAD...(TEMPORARILY) IN FACT IVE REMOVED JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES LIFE UP THERE... I MEAN TO SAY THAT I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME AND MET SO MANY COOL PEOPLE THAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL MY WOES...AH YES...THEY ARE STILL IN A LITTLE BOX ON THE SHELF MARKED IMPORTANT THINGS NOT TO FORGET BUT ILL LET THEM STAY THERE FOR ONE MORE DAY...I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME AT THE MUSIC FEST. JUST CAMPING OUT IN THE WOODS WITH FRIENDS WAS SWEET AND GOING TO SEE LIVE MUSIC MADE IT THAT MUCH BETTER...AHHH...GOOD FOOD, LOTS OF TIME TO SIT AROUND AND EVEN WENT ON A SHORT HIKE TO THE LOOK OUT OVER HETCH HETCHY DAM...AWESOME... TONS OF FAMILIES WITH KIDS, IT WAS TO SAY THE LEAST...GROOVY!!! NOW BACK AT WORK AND LATER TODAY ILL ROLL UP TO MY HOUSE SO I CAN UNPACK AND SEE MY DOG...I DID MISS HIM...HES A GOOD OLE BOY!! WELL DONT HAVE MUCH ELSE TO SAY OTHER THEN THAT...I DID SEE THE LEGOS I WANTED...

ON THE ROAD...

TODAY I LEAVE TO GO TO THE MUSIC FESTIVAL THAT IVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO...SO JUST A SHORT POST... JUMPED OFF THE WAGON LAST NIGHT BUT DIDNT GET TOO FADED...WENT TO THE SOFT BALL GAME( I LOVE POKING FUN AT THE GUYS FROM TOWN WHO PLAY ON THE BIG SUR LEAGUE) AND HAD FUN, WENT TO RIVER INN AND HAD A FEW DRINKS THEN HAD A COUPLE OF PEEPS OVER TO FINISH OFF THE NIGHT...GOOD TIMES...SEEMS THE DEMONS ARE BEING QUIET THIS MORNING...PERHAPS ITS THE HEAD ACHE OR MAYBE THIS MORNINGS DIZZINESS THAT IS KEEPING THEM AT BAY...WELL I SHOULD GET GOING...I HOPE THIS WEEKEND WORKS OUT FOR ME AND THAT THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING AND ARGUING...NO WORRIES...

TIRED OF IT ALL

I SAT HERE JUST NOW LOOKING AT THE KEY BOARD LOOKING FOR SOME SORT OF SALVATION... JUST GRAY KEYS...NOTHING ELSE...NO SHIT... ITS HARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW FOR SOME REASON...OUT SIDE THE WALLS I AM A VERY HAPPY PERSON...I AM A VERY HAPPY PERSON..WHY ALL THE FUCKING TURMOIL IN HERE THEN? WHY AM I SAD ALL THE TIME??? ANGRY??? WHO DO I LOOK TO FOR HELP??? WHERE DOES THIS SENSE COME FROM...DO NORMAL PEOPLE IDENTIFY WITH THERE "EMOTIONS" LIKE I DO??? I MEAN ARE PEOPLE AWARE OF THEM... OR DO THEY JUST REACT TO THEIR INNER FEELINGS... DO THEY WANDER AROUND IN THIS FOG OF PERSONAL IDENTITY AND THINK THAT EVERYTHING IS BLISS... YAH I DONT THINK SO, BUT COME ON... HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT THERE ARE SOME OTHER POWERS GUIDING THEM..ERR, I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT THERE IS SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME THAT CAN CATEGORIZE FEELINGS AND PUT THEM AWAY IN THEIR OWN BOX OR SHELF OR EVEN BURY THEM AWAY SO I WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT...DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE??? AND WHY DO THEY FLARE UP??? I MEAN I CAN BE LETS SAY AT THE LAKE AND TOTALLY ENJOYING MYSELF ALL WEEKEND, WHERE FRIENDS WOULD THINK IM ON TOP OF THE WORLD AND HAVE NOTHING ON MY MIND EXCEPT FUN IN THE SUN...BUT I WILL HAVE THESE DARK CLOUDS LINGERING IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD...MY "VOICES"...FUCKING WEIRD... WHY DO I EVEN WASTE THE TIME TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT... I KNOW THAT THEY ARE THERE AND THAT THEY ARE HERE FOR A PURPOSE AND I NEED NOT WORRY.. THEY DONT SAY KILL ANYONE OR DO ANYTHING DAMAGING TO OTHERS BUT I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE IMPULSES WERE FOR AND WHY THEY AFFECT ME...DAMN YOU...

SOME TIMES I WONDER THAT WHEN I SEND MY ANGELS TO LOOK OUT FOR PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND IF IM SENDING THE RIGHT ONES??? WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY GET AND IF THEY WOULD WANT THEM HAD THEY KNOWN WHERE THEY WERE COMING FROM...DOES THAT MAKE SENSE??? WHERE AM I TODAY??? SO MANY QUESTIONS... AM I NOT FEELING CONFIDENT? OR IS THIS A MECHANISM TO HELP OVERRIDE SOMETHING WORSE...ANY WAY I DO FEEL A LITTLE BETTER... GOING CAMPING FOR FIVE DAYS STARTING TOMORROW AND MUSIC AND DRINKING...SHOULD BE GOOD...I THINK ILL GO FOR A HIKE ALONE...LAY IN THE WOODS BY MYSELF AND TRY TO FIND OUT A FEW THINGS WITHOUT THE SOUND OF A SPACE BAR WACKING AWAY BETWEEN EVERY WORD...FUCK IT...ILL FINISH THE BOOK IM READING...GET DRUNK AND WORRY ABOUT LIFE LATER...NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I STILL WAKE UP TO IT EVERY MORNING...I MISS THE EMPTY MIND.. I MISS BEING BORED...I MISS INNOCENCE...

WHATS HAPPENING TO ME

A LITTLE HELP PLEASE...ANYONE BEHIND THE WALL FRIENDLY...EVERYTHING I TRIED TO DO TODAY...WHATEVER...YOU FUCKING PUSSY...OH HELP ME...YAH POOR YOU...WHY DO YOU WRITE ON THIS SHIT? ITS NOT GOING TO HELP YOU...ITS NOT GOING TO DO YOU ANY BLOODY GOOD...YOU ARE ALONE, NO ONE IS GOING TO RENT YOU A PLACE, FIX YOUR SHIT OR TELL YOU HOW TO KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER...GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY...YOU REMEMBER ME DONT YA...IM BACK!!!

HUH

WELL BEGINNING OF DAY SEVEN... NO WORRIES, IVE BEEN TO THE BARS AND OUT TO EAT WITH FRIENDS CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS AND EVEN THREW A BIT OF A PARTY AT MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT WITH NO PROBLEMS... I HAD A FEW THOUGHTS BUT NOTHING LASTING...IT SEEMS THOUGH THAT IT HAS BEEN MUCH HARDER TO SLOW THE SMOKING... I SEEM TO TRY TO FIND SMOKERS AT THE BAR AND RESTAURANTS... WELL IM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT... BRAIN IS KIND OF SLOW THIS MORNING... I DONT THINK IM GOING TO GET THAT HOUSE I WAS BITCHING ABOUT... OR THE ONE I WAS HOPING FOR IN PALO... BUT IM NOT TRIPPING ON IT TOO MUCH... I WAS SUPER FUCKING PRODUCTIVE THIS WEEKEND... I FABRICATED SEVEN NEW PIECES FOR A SHOW WE ARE DOING NEXT MONTH...ACCUALY THREE SHOWS FOR A TOTAL OF LIKE TWENTY PIECES ALL TOGETHER... FUN AND I GOT ONE PIECE DONE FOR THE DIAMANTE GALLERY... YAH ME... SO TODAY SHALL BE A GOOD DAY I BELIEVE... I HAVE LET THE DISAPPOINTMENT FALL AWAY AND NOW IM FOCUSING ON THIS WEEK... GOING TO THE STRAWBERRY BLUEGRASS FEST. FOR FIVE DAYS OF CAMPING AND HIPPIES...SWEET...SHOULD BE FUN...ANYWAY, ILL BE BACK LATER ONCE THE BRAIN GETS INTO WORK MODE...(MY EYE IS STILL TWITCHING...SHIT)

PROPERTY OWNERS IN BIG SUR

WHAT IS WITH BIG SUR PROPERTY OWNERS WHO LIVE FAR AWAY AND DONT WANT PEOPLE TO RENT, LIVE OR USE THEIR FUCKING HOMES... " I MIGHT BE USING THIS HOUSE FOR MY VACATIONS THIS YEAR." (I HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN THIS MAN AT HIS EMPTY HOUSE IN ALMOST FIVE YEARS) ARGHH...BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF LAND, TWO BEDROOM PFEIFFER HOMESTEAD...WONDERFUL....OVERGROWN, RAT INFESTED, LEAKING HOUSE...HIS IDEA OF A CARETAKERS HOUSE IS AN OLD 10 BY 15 FOOT GARAGE COMPLETE WITH BATHROOM (SEE PHOTO) AND ITS OWN SUPPLY OF RATS...FUCK IT...
OK WELL I STILL HAVE ANOTHER MEETING WITH HIM THIS WEEKEND AND HOPEFULLY AFTER HE SPENDS HIS FIRST NIGHT IN IT AFTER FOUR YEARS HE MIGHT WARM UP TO THE IDEA OF ME BEING A PART OF THE HISTORY THERE...POSITIVE THOUGHTS, POSITIVE THOUGHTS, POSITIVE THOUGHTS....I STILL HAVE A CHANCE... WELL WHO KNOWS...WE DONT CHOOSE OUR DESTINY WE JUST LIVE IN IT AND GUIDE IT...STILL I WANT WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT!!!
YAH BOO FUCKING HOO FOR YOU...THATS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU GET YOUR HOPES UP YOU STUPID PUNK...GET A REALITY CHECK AND SIT ON A STICK AND REMEMBER WHAT LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU... YAH FEEL THAT GET USED TO IT...BUY SOME LUBE...

DAY FOUR...

TODAY IS THE MORNING OF DAY FOUR...NOT DRINKING THAT IS... IM ONLY SHOOTING FOR A WEEK TO START THE SLOW DECLINE OF QUITTING SMOKING AND REDUCING STRESS...DRINKING IS SOMETHING THAT HAS BECOME SYNONYMOUS WITH "ZACK" (WHO EVER THAT GUY REALLY IS) STOP DRINKING TO QUIT SMOKING? WELL DRINKING IS ALWAYS BEEN SOMETHING IVE FELT IVE HAD CONTROL OVER, SO IF I CAN REASSURE MYSELF THAT I CAN DO THAT...I CAN COULD MIGHT POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO STOP SMOKING FOR A WEEK NEXT? MAY BE? AND DRINKING THE WAY I DO CANT POSSIBLY BE A STRESS RELIEF? WHAT? WELL I DONT CARE WHAT THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING...I KNOW IT HAS TO STOP... IT WILL BE TWENTY FIVE YEARS OF SMOKING SOON AND I DONT WANT IT ANY MORE... CONSTANT CHOICES IS RINGING SOMEWHERE IN HERE...I DONT!!! SO ALL YOU NON BELIEVERS OUT THERE CAN FUCK OFF!!! "CHANGE MY ROUTINE" SOME ONE SAID...WELL IVE BEEN SHOWING UP TO WORK EARLY AND NOT GOING HOME TO CRACK A BEER RIGHT AWAY AND AM GETTING READY TO EXCHANGE A FEW HABITS FOR SOMETHING ELSE HEALTHY...JUST A FEW...MY HANDS STARTED SHAKING THIS MORNING BUT I THINK ITS THE COFFEE IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING...TWO CUPS OF BLAZE COFFEE WILL MAKE ANY BODYS SYSTEM SHUDDER...TODAY IS ALSO A BIG DAY ON THE SEARCHING FOR A HOUSE FRONT...THE LAND OWNER FOR THE HOUSE I WANT TO LIVE IN IS COMING INTO TOWN THIS AFTER NOON..SHIT...IM NOT NERVOUS BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT TO FUCKING WORK OUT!!! SO THERES THAT... I THINK ILL STRESS THE FUCK OUT ABOUT THAT LATER THIS AFTER NOON... TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE THIS MORNING ALREADY...AGHHH...WRITING THIS DOWN IS MAKING MY HEART PUMP...SLOW DOWN...PEOPLE HERE AT WORK MUST THINK IM WIERD AS SHIT POUNDING AWAY AT THESE KEYS THEN STOPPING AND TAKING DEEP BREATHS...HA HA HA...I AM SATANS EARTH BORN CHILD!!!WHAT??? WHERE DID HE COME OUT FROM...STUFF THAT GUY BACK INTO HIS BOX...WEIRD...BUT REALLY DAY FOUR AND NO MAJOR ISSUES YET...EVEN SAT AT THE LOCAL BAR LAST NIGHT AND ORDERED JUST A BURGER...LITTLE TESTS, I LIKE IT... THE WEEKEND IS COMING THOUGH SO WE WILL SEE...ALREADY A FEW FRIENDS HAVE BEEN SUPPORTIVE... I ALSO HAVE A FRIEND THAT MAKES IT ALL SEEM NORMAL...(WHAT EVER THAT MEANS, SHE JUST HAS A WAY OF MAKING IT ALL SHINY AND NOT SO DARK...)WELL FUCK IT...BACK TO THE GRIND...

calm it down dude...

well shit...i need to take a deep breath...im accually doing it now..(breathing deep) try to relax...this week has been to much and now im letting it all go...right here... slow it down...im not going to drink for the rest of the week and once that urge subsides ill slow the smoking for the week...constant choices... my heart a minute ago was pounding...slow it down...relax...im at work and on the outside the walls its a flurry of responsibility...but in here im stopping the clock...quit stressing out man...slow...no voices today...the body is in too much pain to worry about them....been abusing myself a little too much...parties, hiking, motocycling, parties...etc... let the liver squeeze it self out for a week dumbass...why am i stressing out the voice said last week...well i havent given myself a minute to unwind...relax...stop abusing myself...im too young for all this...i want to buy some legos...shit...

STRESS STRESS STRESS

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! LAST WEEK MY EYE STARTS TWITCHING...THEN THE ACID REFLUX...BAD THIS TIME...YESTERDAY THE BLEEDING STARTS AGAIN...FUCKING SWEET...NOW THE HEADACHE...FUCK... WHAT AM I SO WORRIED ABOUT...WHY CANT WE ALL COMMUNICATE IN THERE...WHAT ARE YOU CHEWING ON...I JUST HAD A GREAT WEEKEND OF FUN...WHAT...

HEY HEY

IVE GOT A FRIEND COMING TO TOWN TODAY...I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE...IT SHOULD BE GOOD...THERE WILL BE THREE OF US IN MY HOUSE NOW.. A LITTLE CRAMPED BUT HOPEFULLY WE SHOULD ALL GET ALONG... I HAVE TO MOVE SOON BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM... NEED TO FIND A HOUSE NEED TO FIND A HOUSE NEED TO FIND A HOUSE...NOT MUCH HAPPENING BEHIND THE WALL TODAY, ITS NICE... GOING ON A MOTO WEEKEND PARTY... THAT SHOULD BE FUN!!!! DRINKING DIRTBIKING AND SHOOTING GUNS...WHAT ELSE COULD YOU ASK FOR? WELL...HEH HEH... BUT MAYBE ILL BRING UP THE STILL AND MAKE SOME BOOZE...MAYBE NOT...HAVE A GREAT DAY...

HOW ABOUT SOMETHING NICE...

THERE ARE CERTAIN PEOPLE THAT POP INTO MY HEAD AND MAKE ME SMILE...ITS JUST A PERSONAL MOMENT FOR ME AND I GENERALLY KEEP IT TO MYSELF...I SECRETLY THINK THAT WHEN THAT HAPPENS THEY ARE THINKING OF ME TOO...HEE HEE..TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT POP INTO MY HEAD AND MAKE ME SMILE THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

GO AWAY...

LEAVE ME ALONE, I HAVE THIS DREAD TODAY...IT WONT GO...ITS SUNNY AND NICE AND IM IN A GREAT MOOD, BUT THIS GRUDGE IS IN MY HEAD...I HATE IT...ONE OF ME IS ANGRY ABOUT SOMETHING...ITS JUST GRINDING IN THERE...I GUESS IM ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING AT IT, THE WALLS ARE UP I WONT LET OUT TODAY BUT FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD, THERE IS A GRUDGE IN THERE..WHAT IS IT!!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I WANT TO HAVE FUN TODAY...FREAK....
SOME ONE TOLD ME THE OTHER AFTERNOON THAT WHEN YOU QUIT SMOKING ITS LIKE A CHOICE EVERY TIME YOU WANT ONE...A CHOICE NOT TO SMOKE...I HAVE THAT AFFLICTION AS WELL BUT IT REALLY HIT HOME... ITS A CHOICE TO STAY ON THE OUT SIDE... A COMMITMENT TO BE HEALTHY...NOT TO SUCCUMB...WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER?I CHOOSE EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY NOT TO LET A PART OF ME ESCAPE, SO EASILY AT TIMES IT IS...SO WHY IS IT SOMETIMES SO MUCH HARDER? LIKE TODAY ITS THERE GNAWING AT ME...FUCK OFF!!!!
MAY BE....ITS SOMETHING DEEPER THAN IM SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND...SPIRITUAL... PERHAPS I CAN HEAR MY ANGELS AND THIS ONE IS TORMENTED BY SOMETHING... AM I THE TORMENTER? WHAT? I DUNNO... INTERESTING...IM CALMING DOWN...I LOVE IT...SOMEONE IS LISTENING... THANX

A NEW DAY IN BIG SUR...

THE SUN CAME OUT TODAY...BIG FUCKING DEAL...TONIGHT MY BUDDY WANTS TO CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY AND IM PROUD...HE IS GOING THROUGH A LOT THESE DAYS AND IM STOKED HE IS INTO HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE...I HATE BIRTHDAYS THESE DAYS...YAH POOR ME... I HATE THAT SOME PEOPLE EXPECT GIFTS OR PARTIES OR HAPPINESS...FUCK OFF... THE DAY YOU WERE BORN IS FOR YOUR MOM..NOT YOU... WHY NOT THROW YOUR MOM A PARTY...THATS WHY IM STOKED MY BUDDY IS IN TO IT.. I SUPPORT THIS DAY FOR HIM...HE IS MY TRUE BRO...ANGELS TO YOUR MOM...MABEY SHE IS HANGING OUT WITH MINE...

SOME DAYS I FEEL LIKE A NUT

SOME DAYS I DON'T... THIS MORNING I STARTED THIS THING AND THE DARK SIDE WAS OUT... NOW IVE HAD SOME LUNCH WITH D AND THE EVIL IS BACK IN THE BOX...HOW FUNNY...ANY WAY I THINK IM GONNA HIT UP FERNWOOD TONIGHT FOR SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED BACK COUNTRY CINCO DE MAYO DRINKING...HELP OUT THE LOCAL ECONOMY...

WELL I BETTER START SOMEWHERE

WELL I HAD THIS THOUGHT ON THE WAY TO WORK TODAY...I ENVISION HORRIBLE ACCIDENTS HAPPENING TO THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME...I DO THIS ALOT... LIKE THEM SLAMMING HEAD ON INTO A TREE..AWFUL THINGS.. I DUNNO WHY BUT IT JUST POPS IN THERE... THESE POOR PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING...TWISTED METAL, CARNAGE...THE WHOLE DEAL, CRASH...NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT...NOBODY EVER DIES IN THESE ACCIDENTS... THEY ALL GET OUT AND WANDER AROUND IN THE HIGHWAY...WEIRD...RECENTLY I'VE BEEN GETTING WORRIED THAT THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC IS GOING TO HIT ME!! LIKE SOME ODD DE JA VU...I HAVE SOME TWISTED FEELING IM GOING TO BE KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER...ONLY RECENTLY THOUGH...WITH ALL THESE ACCIDENTS HAPPENING HERE IN THE SUR IT MAKES ME THINK...SO MANY PEOPLE HOP ONTO THE HIGHWAY HERE AFTER A BINGE AT THE BAR AND RACE EACH OTHER HOME...SCARY...BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IM REALLY AFRAID OF THAT OR NOT...WEIRD...ANY WAY I FIGURED I SHOULD START THIS THING OFF WITH SOMETHING REAL, NOT BLOW FLOWERS UP MY ASS AND TALK ABOUT HOW GREAT LIFE IS AND SHIT...THAT'S FOR MY OUTER VOICES TO SAY...BUT DEEP INSIDE WHERE ALL THE MAGIC HAPPENS IS WHERE I GET THE GOOD STUFF...I LIKE TO CUSS A LOT WHEN I WRITE TOO SO GET READY FOR SOME OF THAT SHIT AS WELL... SOME PEOPLE SAY ITS A SIGN OF STUPIDITY(TO SWEAR A LOT) BUT FOR ME IT SEEMS TO COME OUT AS AN ANGRY EXCLAMATION POINT...FUCK IT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT... I ALSO SEEM TO RIP ON MY SELF TOO.. LIKE ILL GO BACK TO THINGS I'VE WRITTEN AND WRITE MYSELF NOTES MAKING FUN OF ME OR BREAKING MYSELF DOWN...ANOTHER VOICE TELLS ME TO DO THAT...WHAT'S MY PROBLEM? I THINK IM NORMAL AND EVERYONE ELSE IS WEIRD... I USED TO WRITE TO A FRIEND OF MINE AND TELL HER ALL THESE AWFUL FEELING I WAS HAVING...POOR ME I WANT TO DIE AND ALL THAT SHIT...SHE SAID SHE HAD SOME OF THE SAME THOUGHTS AS WELL BUT THEY WHERE MANAGEABLE.. THIS IS MY HELP...I WRITE THEM DOWN...OOOOH IM A DARK PERSON INSIDE...GET A LIFE ENJOY THE SUN YOU IDIOT... I USED TO WRITE SHORT STORIES ABOUT DEATH...BORING...NOW I OPEN THE DOOR AND LET IT FLOW OUT...WELL SEE HOW THIS WORKS OUT...ON PAPER I CAN WRITE BIG AND SCRATCH AND WRITE IT HEAVY AND DARK...SO IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE SOME TIME TO GET THOSE EMOTIONS ACROSS...GIVES ME SOMETHING TO DO ANYWAY...WHAT WILL I REALLY POST HERE???? SHIT I DUNNO IF PEOPLE ACCUALLY READ IT...EVERYTHING I SUPPOSE, EXCEPT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME ON THE OUTSIDE...YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT...SUPERFICIAL CRAP...OH MY BELLY ACHES AND WHAT NOT...THAT STUFF REALLY DOESN'T AFFECT ME TOO MUCH...LIFE GOES ON NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS SO FUCK IT...ENJOY IT...LIVE IT...IM SUCH A WEIRDO