IM SICK OF FIGHTING

IM SO TIRED OF FIGHTING WITH HER..AS SOON AS I THINK THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER, THEY FALL APART...YESTERDAY AFTER MY GOOD NEWS THINGS WERE GREAT ON THE PHONE AND I STILL HAD TO IGNORE SOME SHITTY LITTLE HURTFUL COMMENTS BUT IT WAS A GOOD CONVERSATION... I CALL HER THIS MORNING TO SAY IM COMING TO TOWN AND MAYBE WE COULD SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER TONIGHT BEFORE SHE GOES UP NORTH TO HER FRIENDS HOUSE.. SOUNDS GOOD TO HER TOO... I LET HER KNOW IF SHE IS INTO IT THERE IS A GOOD BAND AT OCEAN THUNDER...SOME FRIENDS WILL BE THERE WHATEVER...I GO BACK TO WORK AND A COUPLE HOURS LATER SHE CALLS BACK AND LACES INTO ME ABOUT WHAT A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE LIKE, HOW SHE WANTS IT TO BE TONIGHT AND ALL THIS "HATE SPEAK"... REALLY MAKES ME WANT TO STAY AT HOME AND PACK...GET READY TO MOVE INTO MY NEW PLACE...ONE "NORMAL" DAY...I LOVE THIS WOMAN BUT I AM FINDING IT HARD TO LOCATE HER IN ALL THAT HATRED...SHE IS NOT THERE ANYMORE...SO ANGRY AT ME...ALL THE TIME...EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SHE HATES... I SMOKE, I DRINK, IM VERY OUTGOING, I DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT TO...I DONT KNOW...SHE HAD A LONGER LIST WRITTEN OUT FOR ME LAST MONTH OF ALL THE THINGS SHE HATES ABOUT ME...

ANYWAY...THAT JUST KIND OF BUMMED ME OUT TODAY... BUT LIFE GOES ON...IT JUST BLEW OUT THE WIND I HAD IN MY SAILS...SO WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT, THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT GOES...TODAY IS NOT ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE ID RATHER BE DEAD, ITS CLOSE...AND EVERYTIME WE FIGHT I GET CLOSER... I CAN NOT FIGHT WITH THIS WOMAN ANYMORE... IT OPENS ALL THOSE OLD DOORS OF SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION... IM NOT THAT GUY ANY MORE!!! I AM A HAPPY PERSON THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO BE AROUND...DAMNIT...SHIT... BUT HERE I GO TONIGHT FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF PUNISHMENT...IF IT GOES BADLY THIS EVENING...THATS IT...IM SICK OF IT...THATS IT...MAKE ME FEEL BAD NO MORE...GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND AND BE GONE YOU EVIL WITCH...

I GOT IT!!! I GOT IT!!! I GOT IT!!!

I FUCKING GOT IT!!!! YEAH... I WISH I HAD THE KEYS...ID START DRINKING BEERS IN IT RIGHT NOW!!! NICE...I SAW HIM SITTING ON THE SIDE OF PFEIFFER AND BLAMO...HE GETS OUT OF THE TRUCK WITH HIS HEAD DOWN LIKE ITS GOING TO BE BAD NEWS AND SAYS " YEAH MAN, YOURE GOOD WITH US. I MEANT TO CALL YOU LAST NIGHT BUT I WAS TIRED... BUT YEAH YOURE GOOD." FUCKING RIGHT IM GOOD!!! NICE... THERE WILL BE SOME DRINKING TONIGHT!!! SWEET!!! I WISH I COULD MOVE IN BY THE TIME MY COUSIN WAS GOING TO BE HERE BUT SHE WILL JUST HAVE TO HELP ME MOVE INSTEAD...OH YEAH!!! WELL I BETTER DISTRIBUTE THE GOOD NEWS ELSE WHERE...

C'MON CALL ME BACK

I REALLY WANT THIS HOUSE I LOOKED AT IN PALO... IT HUGE...ITS FOR SALE SO I COULD HAVE TO MOVE OUT AT ANY TIME BUT... I WANT IT...IT WAS A HUNDRED DEGREES THERE AT TEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING AND THE BUGS MADE IT LOOK LIKE IT WAS HAZEY OUT...(SOUNDS GOOD NO?) BUT IT WAS A NEW HOUSE...ALL BRAND NEW AND SHIT...NEW EVERYTHING... I MET WITH THE OWNER THIS WEEKEND AND HE SAID IT WAS ALL GOOD...I SHOULD HAVE GOT THE KEYS FROM HIM THEN...FUCK...BUT I PLAYED IT COOL AND SAID JUST DOUBLE CHECK WITH YOUR WIFE AND LET ME KNOW THIS WEEK OR SO...(FUCKED UP THERE) I WANT THE HOUSE... MY COUSIN IS COMING AND I DONT WANT HER TO STAY IN THE DUMP IM IN NOW...MAN...I CALLED THEM YESTERDAY AND LEFT A MESSAGE...TODAY I CALLED AND GOT THE SAME MACHINE...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CALL ME TODAY AND I WILL GIVE YOU CASH AND YOU WILL GIVE ME KEYS...I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR HOUSE AND YOU WILL LIKE ME... TWO BEDROOMS, HUGE, UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS...NEW...PLEASE... GIMME... I WAS NOT GETTING MY HOPES UP AT ALL BUT... NOW IM SICK OF THIS SHIT HOLE IM IN AND WANT SOMETHING NICE...AFTER SEEING IT I REALLY WANTED IT...(WRINKLING MY NOSE AND IMAGINING A MAGICAL SOUND AND POOF...)
I HATE HAVING TO DO ALL THIS WRITING AT WORK... IF I HAD EVEN DIAL UP I COULD MAYBE GET SOME REAL EMOTION IN HERE...THIS FEELS SO CENSORED, SO TAME...SO IVE TAKEN TO WRITING IN MY BOOK AGAIN...THINKING I MIGHT TRANSCRIBE IT INTO HERE...YEAH RIGHT...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN...WELL SHIT...EVERY BODY IS MOPVING AND PEOPLE ARE HAVING TROUBLES...WHALES ARE WASHING UP ON MOLERA(TWO NOW) AND THEY FOUND PELICANS IN KING CITY...SOMETHING IS HAPPENING THAT WE DONT UNDERSTAND...WEIRD... ANYWAY FUCK IT...IM TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE ABOUT THINGS AND MAYBE SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN...

HAVE NOT BEEN HERE

IVE BEEN BATTLING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND NON STOP NOW FOR THREE DAYS...I DONT FEEL LIKE WRITING OR BEING HERE...SHE HAS SNAPPED INTO THIS PERSON I DO NOT LIKE ONE BIT... SHE HAS TAKEN ON THIS REALLY ABUSIVE PERSONALITY...I MEAN I LOVE BEING PUNCHED IN THE FACE JUST AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE BUT IM SICK OF IT...SICK OF FIGHTING, SICK OF THE ABUSE, SICK OF ALL THE BULLSHIT...IM NOT PERFECT, IM NOT HIDING IT EITHER...I DONT PRETEND TO BE RIGHT OR SMARTER THEN HER OR PRETEND THAT IM DOING OKAY... MY LIFE IS A TOTAL MESS... BUT ITS MY LIFE...I GET UP IN THE MORNING AND I GO THROUGH WITH IT ALL...EVERY MORNING... I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL HER PROBLEMS, NON OF THIS SHIT IS MY FAULT...I EXIST IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A PERSON WHO LOVES TO HATE ME!!! I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING RIGHT FOR MONTHS...AND NOW COMBINED WITH HER DRINKING SHE GOES FROM HITCHED TO BITCH IN A SECOND...WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND FRANKLY I WILL NOT FIGHT WITH THIS WOMAN ANY MORE...ITS NOT HELPING ME AND ITS NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR HER AS WELL... ITS NOT EVEN FIGHTING ANY MORE...IM THE TARGET FOR HER RAGE... I THOUGHT IS WAS FUNNY WHEN YOU HEARD OF MEN GETTING BEATEN UP BY THEIR WOMEN, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY ANY MORE!!! FUCK I JUST SIT THERE AND TRY TO CALM HER DOWN AND IT IS RELENTLESS...POUNDING IN TO ME THAT MY LIFE IS THE REASON SHE IS SO FUCKED UP...SO BE IT!!! BE GONE WITH YOU!!!EVIL BITCH... I FINALLY BROKE THROUGH THE WALLS THIS MORNING... AFTER TWO NIGHTS OF FRUSTRATION AND TURNING MY PHONE OFF, I CALLED HER AND IN THIS SMALL VOICE, SHE WAS THERE...STILL ACCUSING, STILL NOT READY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY BUT IT WAS HER...NOT THE HELLISH BEAST...I HOPE SHE MAKES IT THROUGH ALL OF HER ISSUES AND COMES CLEAN OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE...I CANT HELP HER ANYMORE...SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME...PROFESSIONAL HELP...I DONT KNOW IF MEDS WOULD HELP HER... I KNOW THEY WORK BUT SHE TENDS TO SELF MEDICATE WITH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL... SHE MIGHT HAVE TO STOP ALL THAT SHIT ANYWAY...IT DOESNT REALLY WORK AND ALCOHOL IS HER NEWEST TRIGGER...I FEEL AWFUL...SHE WILL BE HAVING THE GREATEST DAY AND I KNOW IT AND THEN SHE SIMPLY SEES ME AND SHE CHANGES...SHE GETS ANGRY AT MY PRESENCE...WHAT THE FUCK!!! I LOVE THIS WOMAN BUT NOT HER EVIL SIDE... I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO...WHERE THE HELL IS THAT MAGIC WAND!!!

TOO MUCH TO DO...

ITS COMING ON AGAIN... I HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT TO DO...THE WIRING ON THE BOAT NEEDS TO BE FINISHED...STARTED.. I HAVE TO FIX THE FUEL LEAK...CHANGE THE TIRES ON THE OTHER BOAT TRAILER... GAS BOTH BOATS CLEAN AND WAX...FIGURE OUT IF THE STEREO WILL WORK...REGISTER(THAT MEANS FIND ALL THE PAPER WORK...) SHOP FOR FOOD AND BEER..GET EVERYONE AT THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME AND HELP THEM PACK AND LOAD THEIR SHIT...HOOK UP THE BOATS...DRIVE TWO AND A HALF HOURS AND HURRY UP AND ENJOY MY SELF SO I CAN COME BACK IN LESS THAT TWENTY FOUR HOURS AFTER WE LEAVE AND UNDO EVERYTHING I JUST DID...PLUS FIND A NEW HOME FOR THE BOATS AND BUILD NEW COVERS FOR THEM...SHIT... MY COUSIN IS COMING SO I HAVE TO REALLY CLEAN MY HOUSE...THREE BOYS AND LOTS OF ENTERTAINING DO NOT MAKE FOR A HOUSE SUITABLE FOR A FAMILY VISIT... MY ROOM IS A FUCKING DUMP...MY HOUSE IS A FUCKING DUMP...WHAT ELSE IS NEW.... I HAVE TO GET MY TRUCK READY AND MOTORCYCLE TOO...I HAVE NOT DECIDED YET IF WE ARE GOING TO GO BACK TO THE LAKE THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND OR IF WE ARE GOING TO GOTO THE "NOCK" AND DRINK AND SMOKE AND RIDE DIRT BIKES ALL WEEKEND INSTEAD...WHICH WOULD MEAN A WHOLE OTHER LIST OF SHIT TO DO...OH AND I GUESS ILL HAVE TO SQUEEZE IN SOME WORK THERE TOO... I HAVE TO REWIRE THE MACK TRANSPORT BATTERY SYSTEM, FABRICATE A NEW SLIDER FOR THE KENWORTH...BUILD AN ENTIRE NEW HAND RAIL FOR DAN IN UPPER COAST LANDS...THE SMALL COMPACTOR TOOK A SHIT THIS MORNING AND I SHOULD BE DOING THAT NOW...THE SCHWING PUMP IS RUNNING LIKE A VW...(NOT GOOD) SEEING AS ITS A DUETZ... OH AND I NEED TO REWIRE THE BOAT TRAILER SO I CAN GET THAT LEGAL TOO... ALL THIS BY, WELL TOMORROW... AND I WANT TO GOTO THE SOFTBALL GAME TONIGHT AND CHEER ON MY FAVORITE TEAM...THEY ARE UNDEFEETED...IF I MISS IT I FEEL THEY MIGHT LOSE...WEIRD...MY BACK HURTS AND I SMACKED MY WRIST THIS MORNING SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO BITCH ABOUT...ALL ON TOP OF MY BLEEDING ULCER THAT HAS SHOWN ITS UGLY HEAD THIS LAST MONTH I THINK IM IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT... HOW MANY HOURS IS UNTIL SIX PM WEDNESDAY??? MORE THAN ENOUGH TO GET ALL OF THAT DONE...SEE I FEEL BETTER ALREADY...WHAT AM I BITCHING ABOUT... I FORGET THAT I WASTE A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT ALL THE STUFF I HAVE TO GET DONE INSTEAD OF JUST DOING IT... I HOPE THAT BRANHAM COMES OVER AND GETS THE BOAT READY WITH ME...SHIT...I HOPE SOMEONE BRINGS SOME MUSHROOMS...

TWO TIRED...

HAHA...WHAT A WEEKEND...SUN AND BEER AND MORE SUN AND MORE DRINKS AND MORE DRINKS...YEAH...GOT TO SEE A REALLY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE AGAIN...SO COOL...BUT BOTH WEEKENDS SHE WAS HERE I WAS SEMI BUSY SO I GOT A WEEKEND OF FUN IN TO TWO VISITS... IM GROOVY WITH THAT... WENT TO A PARTY UP AT THE HENRY BARN, HAD TO LEAVE EARLY BUT HOW OFTEN DO YOU GET TO SIT IN A SALT WATER POOL AND LOOK OUT ONTO THE OCEANS HORIZON FROM A MOUNTAN TOP...SWEET.. FOOD AND BEER AND FRIENDS...HOW CAN YOU TOP THAT???HAD AN ART OPENING ON FRIDAY...PRETTY SLOW BUT GLADLY CAUSE IM A LITTLE TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT MY FRAMES...WORKED OUT IN THE VALLEY ON SUNDAY AND HAD A NICE DINNER WITH R AND E...VERY NICE... WELL ILL COME BACK LATER...IM JUST TWO TIRED...

IT WAS AN AWESOME PARTY

YUP FIRST PEOPLE THERE...SET UP THE SUSHI AND DRANK LIKE IT WAS FREE!!! STILL A LITTLE DRUNK AND ITS TWO IN THE AFTERNOON...HEAD POUNDING AWAY...THE PARTY WAS A HUGE SUCCESS!!! LOTS OF PEOPLE SHOWED UP AND WE SANG THE BIRTHDAY SONG SO LOUD IM SURE PEOPLE AT RIVER INN COULD HEAR US...K GOT PLENTY DRUNK AND I THINK SHE GOT SOME ASS TOO!!! ITS GOOD TO GET SOME ACTION ON YOUR BIRTHDAY...EVEN IF ITS WITH WELL ALCOHOL...BUT WHAT EVER...THERE WAS THE USUAL DISTURBANCES...PEOPLE TRYING TO PICK FIGHTS...THE KELMSTER ALWAYS WANTS TO BE THE LADIES MAN...HOW DOES THAT GUY STILL GET LADIES...I HEARD THE WORST LINES AND I MEAN SHIT...YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE FROM THE MOON NOT TO KNOW THIS GUYS HISTORY...ANY WAY... GOT TO WATCH SOME ONE RAM INTO TREYS CAR AND SPLIT... I SAW WHO IT WAS SO WHEN I SEE HIM ILL LET HIM KNOW...GAVE JERRY A RIDE HOME... I THINK HE WAS GOING TO CRUSH THIS GUYS FACE IN SO I THREW HIM INTO THE TRUCK WHERE HE PROMPTLY PASSED THE FUCK OUT...I MEAN I DROVE MAY BE TWO HUNDRED FEET AND HIS HEAD FELL OUT THE WINDOW AND HE WAS SNORING...FUNNY...AT LEAST HE DIDNT VOMIT IN MY TRUCK...LETS SEE WHAT ELSE.. WE PLAYED SOME CROCHET(HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT ONE?)...WATCHED BRANHAMS DOG GET BEAT UP BY A CAT PROTECTING HER BABIES...SCARY BUT HE DID TAKE A GOOD SLASHING...MARGAUXXX GOT IN THE WAY AND HAD HER LEG CUT OPEN...WAH...IT WAS A DRESS UP PARTY SO ABOUT HALF THE FOLKS LOOKED GREAT AND HALF LOOKED LIKE GRUBY BUMS...(OH WAIT THEY WERE GRUBY BUMS) AND OF COURSE THE SECOND HALF DIDN'T BRING ANY BEER OR FOOD...SO WE RAN OUT OF BEER AT ABOUT THE RIGHT TIME...ONE IN THE MORNING...I MADE A DEAL TO LEAVE THEN ANYWAY...ALL IN ALL IT WAS A GREAT PARTY...KENDRA NEEDED SOME LOVE AND BLAMO SHE GOT IT...GET IT HAHAHA...WELL TONIGHT IS OUR ART SHOW OPENING...AGAIN THIRD ONE IN AS MANY WEEKS...FUN...HOPE WE SELL SOMETHING THERE...ANYWAY...I NEED A RED BULL...

ITS STARTING AGAIN...

I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO FIND A HOUSE...I CANT JUST SIT THERE IN THAT HOUSE MUCH LONGER...AM I GOING TO MOVE TO TOWN? FUCK I HOPE NOT...AND IM A LITTLE HUNG OVER TODAY SO THATS NOT HELPING OUT FOR SHIT EITHER...BUT ITS STARTING TO BUM ME OUT...I NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE... I NEED SOME PLACE FUCKING NICE... I DONT WANT TO LIVE IN A DUMP...SHIT...SOMEHOW I THINK MY TIME HERE IN BIG SUR IS COMING TO AN END...WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR ME TO FIND A NICE PLACE...CARMEL VALLEY? PALO...THE PLACE I WAS HOPING FOR IN PALO IS NOW FOR SALE AND THE GUY DOES NOT WANT TO RENT IT... MAYBE I CAN CONVINCE HIM...BUT I TALKED TO HIM YESTERDAY AND HE SOUNDED AS STRESSED THE FUCK OUT AS ME...MY BACK HURTS AND MY ARM FEELS LIKE IVE HAD A HEART ATTACK...FIGHTING WITH THE WIFE ALL NIGHT DIDNT HELP ME GET ANY SLEEP...FUCKING ALCOHOL...WELL THATS ALL I HAVE FOR TODAY...I WISH I HAD A MAGIC WAND...POOOFFF...

NOTE TO SELF...

I WAS JUST LOOKING BACK ONTO THIS BLOG IVE STARTED... I THINK ITS WORKING...THERE ARE SOME ISSUES HERE IM DEALING WITH AND NOW IM NOT SO MAD ANY MORE...OR WELL DO THOSE EMOTIONS JUST GO AWAY? I USED TO WRITE A LOT AND I FELT LIKE WHEN I CLOSED THE BOOK THAT SOME HOW I LEFT THOSE THINGS IN THERE...WEIRD I DUNNO...THIS IS JUST A NOTE FOR ME TO READ AND TO BAG ON LATER WHEN THEY COME BACK...ILL PROBUBLY SAY SOMETHING LIKE..." OH YA ITS REALLY WORKING YOU FUCKING SCHMUCK!!!" I GUESS SOME OF ME LIKE TO BE MEAN TO ME...DOES THAT MAKE SENSE...WHAT EVER...

FATHERS BIRTHDAY...

YEAH TODAY IS MY FATHERS BIRTHDAY...I THINK ILL CALL MY GRANDMOTHER... I BELIEVE SHE WAS ABOUT NINETEEN WHEN MY FATHER WAS BORN...MY GRANDFATHER WOULD HAVE BEEN FORTY TWO? I THINK THATS RIGHT... SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN YOUNGER.. I CANT REMEMBER... I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE FELT... I KNOW THOSE TIMES IN GERMANY WERE SCARY...BUT WAS IT LOVE? I DUNNO... I KNOW SHE HAD MY DAD AND MY UNCLE IN THE OVEN(HA HA BAD GERMAN JOKE...)(SHE WAS PREGNANT) AND WAS SUDDENLY WIDOWED... HOW CRAZY IS THAT SHIT? THEN HIS EX WIVES CAME AND CLEANED HER OUT...WEIRD SHIT FROM WHAT I REMEMBER OF THOSE STORIES... I WONDER IF SHE WILL WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT...

I THINK(AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE) THAT SOMEONES BIRTHDAY IS/SHOULD BE FOR THE PARENTS...YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL DID YOU FUCKING DO...WOW YOU WERE SHOVED OUT OF THE WOMB... SCREAMED AND HAD YOUR BELLYBUTTON CREATED...ERR CUT OFF??? WHAT EVER... IT SHOULD BE A CELEBRATION OF YOUR BELLYBUTTON...SO CALL YOUR FUCKING PARENTS IF YOU HAVE THEM LEFT AND SAY THANK YOU!!! IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU TODAY?? HOW ABOUT I START TO PAY YOU BACK FOR ALL THE SHIT I PUT YOU THROUGH??? YEAH RIGHT...WHATS MY EXCUSE YOU MIGHT ASK...WELL PLAIN AND SIMPLE...I DID NOT ASK TO BE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD AND AFTER THIRTY TWO YEARS OF BEING HERE I REALLY DONT CARE TO BE HERE STILL...(MOST OF THE TIMES...) AND MY FATHER TOOK OUT ENOUGH OF MY ASS TO REPAY HIM FOR THE THIRTEEN YEARS I MANAGED TO LIVE UNDER HIS ROOF...(WELL THERE WERE A FEW YEARS OF PAY BACK AFTER MY THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY BUT IVE MANAGED TO BOX THOSE YEARS OF MY LIFE AND BURY THEM) SO SCREW ME... WOW THAT WAS A NICE BIT OF VENTING...ANY WAY I END UP GOING TO BIRTHDAY PARTIES AND BUYING SHIT AND GETTING DRUNK JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BUT ITS OUR LAME CULTURE THAT DOES IT...SO OFF THE BRIDGE I GO FOLLOWING THE PERSON IN FRONT OF ME...DOING WHAT IM TOLD/EXPECTED OF ME...

PRETTY SOON ALL THE CRITICAL THINKERS WILL BE DEAD AND OUR COUNTRY WILL FILL UP WITH PEOPLE LOOKING FOR WORK OR THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE...CHEESE FOOD AND TELEVISION...STREETS PAVED WITH GOLD...BULLSHIT...GET OFF THE COUCH YOU LAZY WELFARE BUM AND EXPERIENCE LIFE!!! GET HURT MAKE BAD DECISIONS AND LEARN SOMETHING OTHER THEN THE FUCKING GAME COMES ON AT THREE...I THINK PEOPLE ON FEDERAL HELP SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE TELEVISION...WANNA SEE SOME ONE GET A JOB QUICK? TAKE AWAY THEIR FUCKING "IDOL" OR "REAL WORLD" AND SEE THEM SPRING INTO ACTION AND LEARN HOW TO READ THE PAPER...

OK OK SORRY...NOW IM BEING A REAL ASSHOLE...MY BAD.. SOME PEOPLE NEED IT.... I RECEIVED UNEMPLOYMENT FOR SIX MONTHS...I ALSO RECEIVED THE MAXIMUM ALLOWED...BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??? IT ENABLED ME TO START MY OWN BUSINESS AND NOW (WHEN I DECIDE TO GO TO WORK) I MAKE MORE MONEY THEN THE JOB I LEFT/LEFT ME... AND SOMETHING ELSE FUNNY... THEY ENDED UP CALLING ME BACK OFFERING ME MORE MONEY AND IT ALL WORKED OUT...BUT I DIDNT SIT ON MY ASS PRETENDING TO LOOK FOR WORK AND TRY TO SCREW THE (SHITTY) GOVERNMENT OUT OF EVERY PENNY THEY "OWED" ME...ANY WAY HAVE A GREAT DAY FATHER AND "WORK HARDER MILLIONS ON WELFARE DEPEND ON YOU!"

WELL WHAT NOW

I WISH MY FRIENDS WOULDNT SUFFER... HOW ELSE DO I SAY THAT?? I COULD SUFFER FOR THEM..I DONT THINK SOME OF THEM ARE EQUIPPED TO HANDLE IT...THATS ALL...

I WAS TALKING WITH A FRIENDS MOM ABOUT THIS PIECE OF PROPERTY IN THE VALLEY...AHH DREAMING OF PROPERTY.... IT WOULD SOLVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS FOR US ALL... IT MIGHT GIVE H.S. SOME DIRECTION...LAND WOULD ALSO SOLVE SOME OF MY "WHERE DO I PUT ALL THIS SHIT?" QUESTIONS...I DUNNO I DONT FEEL LIKE WRITING SHIT TODAY AFTER LOSING YESTERDAYS SHIT...SO MUCH GOING ON IM OVERWHELMED... I NEED A PLACE TO LIVE...NOW...PLEASE...HEY HEIDI DO YOU WANT TO MOVE TO BIG SUR OR SOMEWHERE CLOSE AND SHARE A FAT HOUSE? I HAVE A COOL DOG...WAIT DO YOU HAVE A CAT? WELL WHATEVER...

OH AND MY COUSIN IS COMING AND I CANT FUCKING WAIT TO SEE HER...SHE IS SO COOL AND HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT... SHE IS AN OLD SOUL...ANYWAY CAN SOME ONE BRING ME A BEER..

I HATE COMPUTERS...

I JUST SPENT AN HOUR HERE TRYING TO WRITE ABOUT HOW I FEEL...HOW MY FRIENDS AND THEIR WOES REALLY AFECT ME...AND THIS PROGRAM DECIDED TO LOSE IT!!! ARGGGG...WELL I WISH I HAD ANSWERS... AND SOLUTIONS BUT I DONT... AND NOW IM BUMMED...I PUT A LOT INTO THAT POST AND CANT RECAPTURE ANY OF IT...FUCK...

ITS FRIDAY

SITTING, WAITING FOR THE DAY TO END...WHAT A WEEK...NOT TOO MANY THOUGHTS AT THIS MOMENT...ITS NICE...THE STRESS EARLIER BLEW ME OUT...SO ALL THAT IS LEFT IS ME... NEED TO START GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER NEXT WEEK.. WELL MAKING SOME FUCKING MONEY THAT IS...LAST WEEK WAS ABOUT PUTTING ART UP ON GALLERY WALLS BUT NEXT WEEK IM GOING TO HAVE TO GO OUT THERE AND GET SOME WELDING DONE...THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT... I WANT TO PUT THIS NEW BOAT IN THE WATER...I WANT TO GET MY COUSIN DOWN HERE TO THE SUR, GOTO GERMANY IN SEPTEMBER, BOSTON IN JULY, HIGH SIERRA FEST IN THREE WEEKS... I WANT TO FUCKING MOVE ALREADY...WELL LET IT GO...I HAVE SOME SHIT TO DO THIS WEEKEND...AND NEXT WEEK ITS ABOUT MAKING THE GREEN...(SINCE THE GREEN IS... AH, WELL NOT AS GREEN AS IT WAS IN NOVEMBER) JUST CRUISING AROUND IN THE BRAIN FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO UNLOAD...ACCESSING...SHIT THATS IT...IM OFFICIALLY BORING...NICE...OH..I WISH I HAD INTERNET AT HOME...

BITCH AND MOAN

NON STOP WORK... I LIKE IT, BUT WELL I GUESS I LIKE KICKING BACK A LITTLE BETTER... TODAY AS IM PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON ONE OF THE PIECES IM WORKING ON... I SCRATCH IT...FUCK ME... THEY DONT LOOK LIKE I WANT THEM AND IM SERIOUSLY THINKING I DONT WANT TO DO ART ANY MORE...IT WAS FUN...IT IS FUN IM JUST BITCHING...SOME ONE TOLD ME THET WERE DUE ON SATURDAY...(I WONT MENTION ANY NAMES @#$% YOU PUNK...) TO MAKE SURE THAT I HAD THEM DONE...WELL NOT ONLY DID THAT RUSH ME A WEEK AHEAD OF WHEN I THOUGHT THEY WERE DUE, BUT I MISSED A GOOD FRIENDS WEDDING TRYING TO HAVE THEM THERE...SO IM BLASTING TO TOWN AND THE CURATOR OF THE SHOW CALLS ME AND SAYS "DUDE, WE ARENT ACCEPTING THEM UNTIL NEXT THURSDAY...MAY BE FRIDAY..." FUCKING SHIT...I HURRIED THE RUST PROCESS AND TO ME THEY LOOK LIKE SHIT...TO SOMEONE ELSE THEY MIGHT NOT PICK UP ON IT...FUCKING HELL...MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE MOUTH...(IM AFRAID I WOULD BREAK HIS PRETTY LITTLE TEETH...ERR ME VENTING)... SO THEN BLAZE CALLS ME...THEN RACH CALLS ME...SO HERE I AM IN BIG SUR AT WORK AND ALLS I WANT IS A NICE, TALL, FROSTY, COLD STELLA..(THATS BEER)
AHH...USING THOSE BREATHING TECHNIQUES IVE BEEN TRYING TO LEARN...BUT WHEN I SIT UP MY BACK HURTS...WAH POOR YOU...THIS WEEKEND WAS GREAT!!!TOUGH, BUT I DID GET A LOT DONE AND I WENT OUT TO CACHAGUA TO SEE HOW MUCH WORK I WILL HAVE TO DO OUT THERE THIS SUMMER...LOOKS GOOD...LOTS OF WATER AND SUN...
WELL IM SICK OF BEING AT THIS DESK AND THE VOICES ARE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND...NICE...IM SURE SOME PART OF ME WILL BE MISERABLE TOMORROW...NOT JUST THE BITCHING AND WHINING I SEEM TO BE DOING NOW... YAH POOR YOU FREAK...

I JUST WANT TO BE ME

WELL IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK...I WOKE UP IN A GREAT MOOD...TOTALLY HUNG OVER BUT FEELING GOOD...THEN I HAVE TO FUCKING ARGUE ON THE PHONE FOR TWENTY MINUTES ABOUT THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME IS PISSING HER OFF AND I ALWAYS HURT HER FEELINGS, JUST BY BEING ME...FUCK... I DONT WANT TO FIGHT ANY MORE...WE MADE THAT DECISION LAST MONTH AND IM TRYING TO STICK TO IT...FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY...IM ME AND NOT WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE!!! AND I LIKE TO BE WITH ME..(HAHAHA, INSIDE JOKE)ANY WAY...JUST HAD TO BLOW THAT OUT TO GET ON WITH MY DAY...
I NEED TO GO OVER TO GREGS STUDIO TO PULL OUT THE SIX PIECES I PUT INTO HIS ACID BATH...IT WAS VERY NICE OF HIM TO LET ME USE IT... I WISH I KNEW WHAT HE MIGHT LIKE IN RETURN...PERHAPS AN INVITATION TO THE THREE SHOWS WE HAVE SET UP FOR THIS MONTH...WHATEVER..
MY FRIEND BROKE UP WITH HER LONG DISTANCE BOYFRIEND LAST NIGHT (PART OF MY HANGOVER) AND SHE WAS HAVING A ROUGH GO AT IT...BUT SHE WAS GIVING IT A GOOD CHANCE...IM BUMMED FOR HER...BUT ON A BRIGHTER SIDE OF THAT SHE WILL NOW HAVE THE ATTENTION OF AT LEAST TEN BOYS FOLLOWING HER AROUND...SHE IS A HOT TOPIC...I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS BUT IF SHE WANTS IT, ITS THERE...
THIS HAS BEEN A FAIRLY LAME POSTING BUT WHO GIVE A SHIT...I NEED A RED BULL...
TIME TO GET TO WORK...

I JUST DONT

REALLY, I DONT FEEL LIKE DOING SHIT TODAY... I WANT A DAY OFF IN BIG SUR.. TO LET THEM ALL SORT OUT WHAT THEY HAVE GOING ON...IT IS THE START OF CRUNCH WEEK AND I REALLY JUST WANT TO GOTO BREAKFAST AND READ THE FUCKING PAPER...I CANT CONCENTRATE THIS MORNING... ITS ALL JUMBLED UP THIS MORNING... I AM HAVING TROUBLE THINKING... I DONT EVEN FEEL LIKE WRITING BUT IM HERE AT MY DESK TRYING TO PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER... I HAVE TO GET SOME SHIT DONE... CAN ONE OF YOU WAKE UP AND GIVE ME SOME DIRECTION??? ALL RIGHT IM THE BLOODY LEADER OF THIS FREAK SHOW AND I SAY GET TO WORK...WORK VOICES WORK!!!!