I AM VOLATILE!!!!

AM I EVIL.... YES I FUCKING AM....

these are the voices that used to speak here...

sadness...


depression...


anger....


HATRED...

I STARTED THIS BLOG TO VENT THE THINGS I COULD NO LONGER HOLD IN!!!! FUCK WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS ABOUT MY ACTIONS.... I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF ITS WRONG OR RIGHT... THIS IS WHERE I DEAL WITH THE DEMONS AND THE ANGELS WHO SIT ON MY SHOULDERS!!!! GRRRRR.....


wickedness...

i used to say fuck the world!!!! what happened? when did i stop listening to the voices?



FUCK....


i used to vent here, get it all out.... what happened?

i am so fucking hostile... something will be done about this. served sweetest cold? i know. i know... all good things come to those who wait... yes, yes... i know the rules, i know how all things are done smartly and with caution... i am a participant.

so long its been, since proper retribution has come in a timely manner....

i am so fucking angry!!!!!!!!


we will see what we will see...


so there is that then.




if you CANT vent to the abyss then where do YOU let it all out... i used to have a journal. most of you might carry the same weight around. something you write in yours , hide it from others, keep it a secrete, forever you have this thing that you worry about. your spouse CANT read it. your roommates would die if they found out about the things you've said.

i have a book that id rather burn than someone stumble upon... fuck it, ill start transcribing here.... wanna know about me? ill start from the beginning of where i left off and work back wards....


...to be continued....

the ways things are....

I'M HERE... really i am.

going to the funeral threw me for a loop. actually the night before did... we read the obit at the bar Friday night and i had complete meltdown. you all know my mom committed suicide and reading this obit brought it all back and more... i was an attendee at my moms memorial. i didn't get any choices in the matters. my grandfather had successfully sold and stored all of my moms things, save for what i could get back from the pawn shops. my uncle called me 11 days after my mom went into a coma and the day after he pulled the plug. the death certificate (filled out by my grandfather) said there was no next of kin. almost all the meager benefits went to him... all the paperwork and journals had been sifted through and edited by the time i got what was left...

to read something so beautiful as what my friend wrote about her mom was devastating... to hear what she said during the funeral was equally painful...


when i spoke at my mother memorial i was angry. intensely angry. i screamed at the few attendees and let their god know i was coming for the people who had hurt my mother. that i couldn't believe in a god who wouldn't let her into heaven because she had taken her own life... that i would kill for her memory...


so many feelings happened between Friday night and Sunday morning....


i feel better having been there... not complete, but better....

random fucking thoughts

funny things happen when one spends lots of time sober... well some funny shit happens when one drinks alot as well, but most times is not remembered until some one else reminds them of it...

life changes so fast.

people come and people go... its a lot of hard work to keep people in your life for ever. (knowing there is no such thing) but fighting for friendships is taxing.. allowing them to be what they are is far more profitable...

sometimes i think too much..

i find that i touch my face alot...

i have a california king size bed and sleep on one side of it only...

im blogging about bullshit so i dont complain that my dog is back in the hospital with drainage tubes sticking out of him and in wicked pain from all the muscle tissue and skin they had to cut off cause it had died from lack of blood flow due to the mauling...

yeah, *quoting cher from his blog roll* i'm pissed right off...

i love making surprises happen for other people but hate receiving them for myself...

ive lost patience with this blog this evening...





you guys are great. im in a shit mood... no need to take it out on all of you.

ALAWAYZ AT WORK

its tough to call someone up and give them bad news over the phone. some people are really good at it and others, well not so much... its never an easy thing to do especially when it involves death... its not an enviable job, being the bearer of bad news... i hate it myself.
i always get my bad news at work. it never fails, that's just the way it is. today was no exception...
i wasn't in the office when the call came but i was working, driving actually. in town.
i had to pull over. take a moment to myself and regroup. get back on the road and get my day going again. now here i am at lunch feeling like id rather see the bottom side of a pillow laying on my back. err....

i hate all the horseshit that goes along with death. "they are in a better place, she is with god now, " blah blah blah fucking blah....
i said "death is better than suffering. when ever hour of the day is spent in pain, its better to be dead." callous? i don't know... did i mean it, hell yes.

she was one of my favorite people on the planet.... when she started getting sick was the last time i saw her. she still beamed of youth and passion for life. this is how i will remember her, drink in hand, smiling and having the time of her life...

ENTER FUNNY TITLE HERE.

question: what do you do when your neighbors dog is now responsible for over a thousand dollars worth of vet bills to your animals and you can not prove it with out a shadow of a doubt...

I'm fucking sick of this shit...

I'm gonna wear this husky/wolf as a goddamn bathrobe!!!

if i catch this alpha dog on my property again I'm gonna stuff its balls in their mailbox...

ugh I'm armed and I'm fucking pissed right the fuck off...

REWIND AND REPLAY AGAIN PLEASE...

yeah, yeah, yeah... I've posted this picture before, i just cant get enough.... things are so fucking swirling crazy right now, sometimes i fell like I'm just holding on watching life fly by before my eyes...

hows that for vague and cryptic....

i took some pictures with a film camera last night and am dying to see how they turn out... black and white baby, yeah...

must go back to work before i fall asleep at my desk... only got about an hours sleep... ugh... have a great day all!!!

A REVIEW OF SORTS

do not buy a dell inspirion mini 12.1 if you want a"computer"...
buy a net book if you would a disposable toy to fuck around with and you have an extra six hundred bucks to throw away... i was warned, i was even told... alas, i bought one anyway...
am i enjoying it? yes. will it last as long as my ipod? i doubt it....
do i regret buying it? i regret nothing... i learn from everything...
what ever...
here i sit on my six hundred dollar toy fucking off about bullshit and not worrying about...
you, on the other hand should not spend/waste your money on a dell...
did everyone get that? good...
now send me all your money, tax returns, food stamps, drugs, extra beer (if there ever was such a thing) third or fourth child so i may pawn it all off for a mac...

fuck you denim... i know you know i know i should have bought a mac... when we hang out next (soon please) you are more than welcome to rub it the fuck in....

oh, by the way i treated this weeks sobriety to some beer and a shot of jeager to celebrate being sober... yeah you do the math on that one...

speaking of math... i watched one of my favorite people in the world melt the fuck down this evening doing her homework... she is ten and in her final year in elementary school. she has asked the teacher for more difficult homework... for the past few months has been kicking ass with endeavor... (take that! teacher! who do you think you are dealing with?!?!?) this evening on the other hand was overwhelmed with over two hours of homework... this week the homework has seriously increased though...um... shes ten bitch. not twenty seven fer fucks sake. give her a challenge, don't break her back...

cheese is responding to this new development tomorrow morning... man i was she would have been in my corner as a kid...

other than that, i don't have much else to bitch about...except today i was challenged at work with a "don't let the fact that you don't have all the tools you need be an excuse to not being able to get the job done." slam... here's the stats of that shit...

four transfer truck tires... over a hundred pounds of rubber a piece... only having one of three tools i normally need to get the job done in the shop.. (the other two were apparently missing) and only three hours to do them in.... four hours later,(forty five minutes after closing time) I'm done, in the office, asking if there was anything else i could do before i left for the day...

"nope." says the boss.

"cool, sorry those tires took a bit longer than i thought... see you in the morning with no excuses." i replied.

the other boss who made the "no excuses" comment looked up... sat down... smiled... and said nothing....

yeah bitch....

now you see it, now you dont, now you see it again...

After another whirlwind weekend of fun and excitement i am going to embark again on a work week of sobriety... yes folks i broke the wagon this weekend... on Friday i had my first beer in six days and to be quite honest it was not all i had built it up to be... it was just a nice cold beer. in reflection, that's a good thing... there were no "nectar of life" moments with it and after this weekends saturation i am looking forward to another break.

cheese is doing well, she got her first "C" on a test since I've known her and she is not happy about that. anything except an "A" is a failing grade for her... wow, i used to be astounded when i would receive a grade higher than a "D". it usually meant that a teacher was trying to give me a passing grade so she/he wouldn't have to see me in their class again... (smart teachers, heh heh..)

work this week should be good, have a couple of fun projects to look forward to...

going to go golfing here next Saturday... should be great! i wont be doing my normal beer a hole routine though, so may be I'll end up with a decent round... ah well...

in other news, I've been learning how to behave myself on other fronts... i think everyone is a little less tense about things when they are around me now... yeah...

I'll be back later this afternoon kids to get to my many cool comments from all of you great fucking people out there... have a wicked awesome Monday!!!

fucking work work work work work work work work .....

HOW CAN A PERSON ARGUE WITH THAT LOGIC?

YEP SNEAKING SOME MORE FUCKING TIME IN ON THE COMPUTER AT WORK... grr, fucking caps and I'm too lazy to go back and fix it... no new real news... lots of work and not enough money. the Hawaii trip we were hoping to go on we decided it was going to be too goddamn expensive. plus cheese would have had to miss a week of school where she has a mid term. the girls would have had to miss a week of school as well. me miss work work? i doubt it.

but thins here are better. people here are fucking up worse than me so Ive slipped back under the radar. I've also been trying out this whole ass kissing thing. in eleven years of employment Ive never browned my nose but this is a new year right? and its been working great! i tell you what things here at work would have been a lot easier for me throughout my term of employment if i would have started that a lot sooner...

home life is good, cheeses girls are kicking some fucking ass lately and scored wicked high on their report cards... so has cheese but what else is new...

everything is back to wholesome normal...

anyways enough of that noise... office chic has brought her first screaming whelp back into the office today and i must go...
that's truly enough of that now isn't it...

day five...

yeAH DAY 5 OF SOBER LIVING... some people count it by days, but i can tell you its been 108 hours and twelve minutes since alcohol has touched my lips... or six thousand four hundred ninety two minutes and ooohhhh say eleven seconds, err twelve, ahh thirteen.... what ever....

sneaking in at work

yeah, cheese left an explanatory comment in the post below.. for those of you who haven't had a chance to read it, here it is...

"The voices has taken a self-imposed hiatus from his blog, because I told him if he didn't quit his bitching about my computers lovely little quirks (read bugs and weirdness) then he could quit using it...Hence he doesn't have access to a computer till he gets his own...I did not kick him off! I just want you all to know: he did have a choice.and I think he's doing better since this post, especially since i asked him to take a break from the sauce for a couple days. Baby steps...
5:25 PM"


yeah... I'll give you a quick run down on the weekend events....ready set go....

Friday, get off work early, go down to the local bar... i dunno, I'd say fifteen beers and a healthy shot of jeager later we close the bar and head on over to the pub for some drinks and dancing... we enter the pub and have a few high octane beers and tell the DJ who had been playing all night to a full pub with only one dirty little hippy on the dance floor that:

"hey DJ!!! yer girlfriend isn't all that cute, can you play something the rest of us can dance too!?!!?"

several dirty looks and a few songs later, cheese and i are killing the dance floor in our normal rug cutting style... pound a few more beers and grab a couple for the road and make our way home. cheese drops off one of our fellow inebriated friends at her home and i hang out with a different friend at the bottom of her road for another few beers... make it home to cheese and drink ourselves in to slumber land by two thirty in the morning or so...
i wake up with the alarm clock several hours later to go golfing and drink a beer on the way to the course... now, when i play golf its a mandatory beer a hole...(oddly i get better as the day goes on, go figure.) at about the halfway mark we pop in for a sandwich and some snacks...

"OOOOooooohhhh they have WHISKEY HERE!!!!" i say and order up a double for the cart.

finish our last nine holes and buddy and i head on over to the Rio grill for a few nineteenth hole drinks...i have a couple of jack and cokes and say good bye to my golfing buddy, as he is tired from his late night out as well... cheese asked me to pick up some toilet paper and i some how find myself in the checkout isle of Safeway with a mega pack of super soft Charmin and a handle of Makers Mark whiskey... i do remember making fun of myself with the people in line and with the cashieress about "how this all must look..."

drive out of the parking lot with a cold roady in hand and pick up one of our local hitch hikers and pop open the whiskey, (much to his excitement) and we swig our way down the coast. drop his smelly drunken ass off and head up to my golfing Buddy's house to find him in bed. bastard wouldn't drink with me and neither would his sister... DAMN THEM EH???

head back up towards my house and meet up with a completely stunned cheese... who at that point is feigning amusement... I'm not sure how much later, time wise, but several more pulls off the bottle and and several more beers I'm not doing so hot...

enough so that I'm scaring cheese. not something i enjoy doing, ever... ever...

why was i on such a hatefull self destructive bender? no idea... i needed a release? some personal time to vent out the devils inside? i would normally be by myself in those circumstances, but as life would have it, i had a wittiness to that particular event...

so yes, a break from alcohol... how long, who knows, until i am in charge of it again... a week maybe, not likely, but perhaps...

otherwise I'm fine... people at the bar i hang out at wish i would start drinking again, "you're not so much of an asshole when you are drinking.."
people at my work say the same thing....


fuck... while typing this, my neighbor and good friend just called... her man just died of a heart attack this morning... fuck... why do people always call me at work to tell me this shit... fuck....

meh....





so normal posting will resume as soon as dell gets its fucking head out of its ass and sends me my fucking net book!!!

whats yours?

sometimes life finds you in a crying in a corner with your head between your knees, wishing that god would pull the trigger for you.... making it easier to end it all....

other times life finds you effortlessly floating on a cloud of euphoria, experiencing the world through rose tinted glasses with a glass of champagne in one hand and a cigarette in the other..

but most of the times we hope that life finds us somewhere in the middle... working for what we have and being able to appreciate it... but is this what we hope life is really about... a constant murmur of good fortune and luck? nothing bad ever to happen to us? no chaos, no heart break, confusion?

fuck all that noise...

I'm glad to know what a hand gun in my mouth feels like, I'm happy to report that i have stood on top of some of our countries tallest bridges and leaned over the edge thinking how easy it would be to go... i know what its like to poison myself to near death with drugs and alcohol within millimeters of letting my self go only to come back stronger...

i also know what is like to not have a care in the world, to be on top of everything, life, love, leadership... to be in control of ones own destiny, to know that even if tragedy happened my life that instant, it has been full filled and i am ready to go....

mostly i spend my time bouncing in between these worlds...

anybody who knows me, knows this...






the big question is always where is he now?!?!?!?

no sorries

just fucking busy, busy, busy.... i did buy a new computer and have been waiting for it... my home computer has no virus protection as of yet and dont like using it too much with out, you know what i mean?!?!?

work has been going along just fine. my back and shoulder are completely out... im going to get a massage here in about an hour... hoping that helps...

havent even been able to check anybody out in a while so donrt feel bad... things will be back to normal soon.

our road is so fucked up right now with all this fucking rain and shit... we have a rut so big it swallowed the passenger side of my truck last night... nothing like getting stuck in the mud in the rain and crawling around under you truck shoving rocks under the tires from the other side... blah blah blah...

big sur has finally been having some mud slides and wicked weather... yeah, awsome... while other people are complaining and whining im geared up to go drive around in the mayhem...

thats all i can do for today kids! hope life is fucking good for all!!!