Monday, March 30, 2009

the ways things are....


I'M HERE... really i am.

going to the funeral threw me for a loop. actually the night before did... we read the obit at the bar Friday night and i had complete meltdown. you all know my mom committed suicide and reading this obit brought it all back and more... i was an attendee at my moms memorial. i didn't get any choices in the matters. my grandfather had successfully sold and stored all of my moms things, save for what i could get back from the pawn shops. my uncle called me 11 days after my mom went into a coma and the day after he pulled the plug. the death certificate (filled out by my grandfather) said there was no next of kin. almost all the meager benefits went to him... all the paperwork and journals had been sifted through and edited by the time i got what was left...

to read something so beautiful as what my friend wrote about her mom was devastating... to hear what she said during the funeral was equally painful...


when i spoke at my mother memorial i was angry. intensely angry. i screamed at the few attendees and let their god know i was coming for the people who had hurt my mother. that i couldn't believe in a god who wouldn't let her into heaven because she had taken her own life... that i would kill for her memory...


so many feelings happened between Friday night and Sunday morning....


i feel better having been there... not complete, but better....

6 comments:

kylie said...

let me sit with ya a while

MJ said...

Let me sit on your...

No. That's wrong.

What Kylie said.

Yes, that's it.

Megan said...

Damn, dude.

Daisy said...

i am sorry about your loss...both times...and it does bring you back...that's what happened when my fil died here recently...brought all my dad's stuff up...how mom would withold morphine because "he's not in enough pain yet"...his funeral is when i ended things with my family...and i understand the hate and disgust...i have memories of my father...everything else was sold, even things that were left specifically to me in the will...there's a special place for people who do things like that inner voices, and wherever they are i don't care, i just don't want to be there...oh yeah and i want GIN!

Kimberly said...

I am very sorry for your loss. Clearly this isn't something a martini could help - but if it could, I'd give you mine.

kylie said...

also let me sit on your......