the ways things are....

I'M HERE... really i am.

going to the funeral threw me for a loop. actually the night before did... we read the obit at the bar Friday night and i had complete meltdown. you all know my mom committed suicide and reading this obit brought it all back and more... i was an attendee at my moms memorial. i didn't get any choices in the matters. my grandfather had successfully sold and stored all of my moms things, save for what i could get back from the pawn shops. my uncle called me 11 days after my mom went into a coma and the day after he pulled the plug. the death certificate (filled out by my grandfather) said there was no next of kin. almost all the meager benefits went to him... all the paperwork and journals had been sifted through and edited by the time i got what was left...

to read something so beautiful as what my friend wrote about her mom was devastating... to hear what she said during the funeral was equally painful...


when i spoke at my mother memorial i was angry. intensely angry. i screamed at the few attendees and let their god know i was coming for the people who had hurt my mother. that i couldn't believe in a god who wouldn't let her into heaven because she had taken her own life... that i would kill for her memory...


so many feelings happened between Friday night and Sunday morning....


i feel better having been there... not complete, but better....