TIRED OF IT ALL

I SAT HERE JUST NOW LOOKING AT THE KEY BOARD LOOKING FOR SOME SORT OF SALVATION... JUST GRAY KEYS...NOTHING ELSE...NO SHIT... ITS HARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW FOR SOME REASON...OUT SIDE THE WALLS I AM A VERY HAPPY PERSON...I AM A VERY HAPPY PERSON..WHY ALL THE FUCKING TURMOIL IN HERE THEN? WHY AM I SAD ALL THE TIME??? ANGRY??? WHO DO I LOOK TO FOR HELP??? WHERE DOES THIS SENSE COME FROM...DO NORMAL PEOPLE IDENTIFY WITH THERE "EMOTIONS" LIKE I DO??? I MEAN ARE PEOPLE AWARE OF THEM... OR DO THEY JUST REACT TO THEIR INNER FEELINGS... DO THEY WANDER AROUND IN THIS FOG OF PERSONAL IDENTITY AND THINK THAT EVERYTHING IS BLISS... YAH I DONT THINK SO, BUT COME ON... HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT THERE ARE SOME OTHER POWERS GUIDING THEM..ERR, I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT THERE IS SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME THAT CAN CATEGORIZE FEELINGS AND PUT THEM AWAY IN THEIR OWN BOX OR SHELF OR EVEN BURY THEM AWAY SO I WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT...DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE??? AND WHY DO THEY FLARE UP??? I MEAN I CAN BE LETS SAY AT THE LAKE AND TOTALLY ENJOYING MYSELF ALL WEEKEND, WHERE FRIENDS WOULD THINK IM ON TOP OF THE WORLD AND HAVE NOTHING ON MY MIND EXCEPT FUN IN THE SUN...BUT I WILL HAVE THESE DARK CLOUDS LINGERING IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD...MY "VOICES"...FUCKING WEIRD... WHY DO I EVEN WASTE THE TIME TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT... I KNOW THAT THEY ARE THERE AND THAT THEY ARE HERE FOR A PURPOSE AND I NEED NOT WORRY.. THEY DONT SAY KILL ANYONE OR DO ANYTHING DAMAGING TO OTHERS BUT I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE IMPULSES WERE FOR AND WHY THEY AFFECT ME...DAMN YOU...

SOME TIMES I WONDER THAT WHEN I SEND MY ANGELS TO LOOK OUT FOR PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND IF IM SENDING THE RIGHT ONES??? WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY GET AND IF THEY WOULD WANT THEM HAD THEY KNOWN WHERE THEY WERE COMING FROM...DOES THAT MAKE SENSE??? WHERE AM I TODAY??? SO MANY QUESTIONS... AM I NOT FEELING CONFIDENT? OR IS THIS A MECHANISM TO HELP OVERRIDE SOMETHING WORSE...ANY WAY I DO FEEL A LITTLE BETTER... GOING CAMPING FOR FIVE DAYS STARTING TOMORROW AND MUSIC AND DRINKING...SHOULD BE GOOD...I THINK ILL GO FOR A HIKE ALONE...LAY IN THE WOODS BY MYSELF AND TRY TO FIND OUT A FEW THINGS WITHOUT THE SOUND OF A SPACE BAR WACKING AWAY BETWEEN EVERY WORD...FUCK IT...ILL FINISH THE BOOK IM READING...GET DRUNK AND WORRY ABOUT LIFE LATER...NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I STILL WAKE UP TO IT EVERY MORNING...I MISS THE EMPTY MIND.. I MISS BEING BORED...I MISS INNOCENCE...