Friday, May 05, 2006
WELL I BETTER START SOMEWHERE
WELL I HAD THIS THOUGHT ON THE WAY TO WORK TODAY...I ENVISION HORRIBLE ACCIDENTS HAPPENING TO THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME...I DO THIS ALOT... LIKE THEM SLAMMING HEAD ON INTO A TREE..AWFUL THINGS.. I DUNNO WHY BUT IT JUST POPS IN THERE... THESE POOR PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING...TWISTED METAL, CARNAGE...THE WHOLE DEAL, CRASH...NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT...NOBODY EVER DIES IN THESE ACCIDENTS... THEY ALL GET OUT AND WANDER AROUND IN THE HIGHWAY...WEIRD...RECENTLY I'VE BEEN GETTING WORRIED THAT THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC IS GOING TO HIT ME!! LIKE SOME ODD DE JA VU...I HAVE SOME TWISTED FEELING IM GOING TO BE KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER...ONLY RECENTLY THOUGH...WITH ALL THESE ACCIDENTS HAPPENING HERE IN THE SUR IT MAKES ME THINK...SO MANY PEOPLE HOP ONTO THE HIGHWAY HERE AFTER A BINGE AT THE BAR AND RACE EACH OTHER HOME...SCARY...BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IM REALLY AFRAID OF THAT OR NOT...WEIRD...ANY WAY I FIGURED I SHOULD START THIS THING OFF WITH SOMETHING REAL, NOT BLOW FLOWERS UP MY ASS AND TALK ABOUT HOW GREAT LIFE IS AND SHIT...THAT'S FOR MY OUTER VOICES TO SAY...BUT DEEP INSIDE WHERE ALL THE MAGIC HAPPENS IS WHERE I GET THE GOOD STUFF...I LIKE TO CUSS A LOT WHEN I WRITE TOO SO GET READY FOR SOME OF THAT SHIT AS WELL... SOME PEOPLE SAY ITS A SIGN OF STUPIDITY(TO SWEAR A LOT) BUT FOR ME IT SEEMS TO COME OUT AS AN ANGRY EXCLAMATION POINT...FUCK IT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT... I ALSO SEEM TO RIP ON MY SELF TOO.. LIKE ILL GO BACK TO THINGS I'VE WRITTEN AND WRITE MYSELF NOTES MAKING FUN OF ME OR BREAKING MYSELF DOWN...ANOTHER VOICE TELLS ME TO DO THAT...WHAT'S MY PROBLEM? I THINK IM NORMAL AND EVERYONE ELSE IS WEIRD... I USED TO WRITE TO A FRIEND OF MINE AND TELL HER ALL THESE AWFUL FEELING I WAS HAVING...POOR ME I WANT TO DIE AND ALL THAT SHIT...SHE SAID SHE HAD SOME OF THE SAME THOUGHTS AS WELL BUT THEY WHERE MANAGEABLE.. THIS IS MY HELP...I WRITE THEM DOWN...OOOOH IM A DARK PERSON INSIDE...GET A LIFE ENJOY THE SUN YOU IDIOT... I USED TO WRITE SHORT STORIES ABOUT DEATH...BORING...NOW I OPEN THE DOOR AND LET IT FLOW OUT...WELL SEE HOW THIS WORKS OUT...ON PAPER I CAN WRITE BIG AND SCRATCH AND WRITE IT HEAVY AND DARK...SO IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE SOME TIME TO GET THOSE EMOTIONS ACROSS...GIVES ME SOMETHING TO DO ANYWAY...WHAT WILL I REALLY POST HERE???? SHIT I DUNNO IF PEOPLE ACCUALLY READ IT...EVERYTHING I SUPPOSE, EXCEPT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME ON THE OUTSIDE...YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT...SUPERFICIAL CRAP...OH MY BELLY ACHES AND WHAT NOT...THAT STUFF REALLY DOESN'T AFFECT ME TOO MUCH...LIFE GOES ON NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS SO FUCK IT...ENJOY IT...LIVE IT...IM SUCH A WEIRDO
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1 comment:
I don't think you are a weirdo. I think you are normal. Normal is admitting to and realizing your human-ness. So many people don't, they walk around in there shiny shoes, talk no nonsense nonsense, and they deposit that 20% into their retirement accounts each and every month.
wah.
I think to a certain degree everyone does that driving in the car thing. I often am completely tormented by bad visions. Some of them are quite haunting. My fear is that I am contributing to the likelihood of them actually happening by just thinking about them. I tap on the wheel and beg myself to think of something else.
On the otherhand, my dad thinks that if you can imagine the really awful horrific scenario, it wont happen. He uses and sees it as a protective mechanism.
I think it really just comes down to the fact that we are tortured. Our imagination and sensitivity make us touched, but on the other side of that coin is some unpleasant muck.
We each have to find a way to cope and deal, since we can't change it. I sometimes wish I didn't see the things I "see" but at the same time, there are some things I feel and see and experience that are pure ecstasy and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Those good visions and feelings come from the same place as the bad ones.
We got bad, but we both got a whole lot of good too. I love you like crazy.
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