WHAT DO I DO NOW...

Well Im totally lost now... Feeling like my new chosen direction isn't all that I want it to be... Stop being so cryptic and write something with some substance...Sorry..

What Im saying is I don't know what I want... Im having trouble... Im happy at the job right now, Im happy in my new place, even though its not permanent... Im enjoying the quality of life I have, things seem to be okay... Is it wrong to want to float for a while and see how things go? Live life for a minute and stop trying so hard to get to the next level? Have I been doing that for too long already? Do I need to strive for more? Well this isn't getting anywhere... Try again..

Pretty low today, no spark, no juice, no motivation... Sucks... People are all at the bar watching a great band, a friend of ours, well they are all friends... And they are good... I guess they just opened for Tom Petty this week!! I simply don't feel like going... Im tired, I don't want to fight, I want some peace and fucking quiet... Time to figure out what it is Im supposed to be doing... Although I feel like Im missing out!! Big time, who cares though... Wow our friends band is back and Im missing it.. Nice thing, with this town is that when they come back through and I go to that show it will be the same people, the same bar, the same small town drama and same problem... How the fuck do I get home now that Im completely wasted?? Drive is my normal response, but Im trying to get away from that... Oh I digressed too far... The point was that Im not really missing out at all!!! Its the same recylced shit every day... When I make the next show it will be just like this one... Drunk, loud, expensive and fun... Lets not make it sound like it wont be any fun... Im sure its a blast and will be next time... Maybe that's why Im wondering what to do now? Im not making any sense...Sorry...

Im just tired, I want to write but IM not coming up with any thing good... Sick of shit and don't want to complain about it.. don't want to whine... So ill let it be for tonight...

SO MUCH IN MY HEAD...

Well now its time for brain explosion, do you ever feel that way? So much happening and I cant keep it all under control... Look at me from the outside, cool, calm, collected... Yeah sure, people judge me and may be even you.. But only because you know me a little more...Especially if you are in here.. Where ever this is... Only a part of me exists here... Such a small part, seems like a lot but its not... hahahaha... I laugh, I cry, I die inside... But what you see is... is... Is... What do you see? How do you look at me? Do you know that my brain is full... That's why I forget, so I have more room for stuff... Which I will ultimately forget as well... But well here it is... For all to see... 6% of me...

WHATS WITH THE NEWS THESE DAYZ?

im an information junkie... i love reading the paper, two of them a day if possible... i read several news sites on line and like reading blogs as well as books when i have the time... harder to read books at work when im supposed to working on the computer... but ive noticed how hard it is to find any fucking good news... its all war, child porn and murder, death, kill.. come on now people... what kind of sick fucking country is this.. yes, yes, its americas favorite past time to slow down and look at a car accident or to want to see real blood and gore, but gimme a break... i dont want to see puppies and bubbles and shit in the news but there must be something good going on out there that doesnt envolve some teenager running away from her abusive captor... is it really too much to ask that there be a "good news" section in the paper... or link on a web site?

anyway who cares right? today has been a crappy day...why i dunno, people hear it my voice... argueing again about nothing... yeah, sounds like fun... what ever... its been a gray day here and doesnt look like its going to get any better...(more bad news)

a friend of mine wrote me yestarday...well posted a letter... her dad died... sounded like some kind of cancer... im getting tired of saying how sorry i am and wish there was something more that i could acually do! fly down and hold her hand and walk her through all the bullshit of funerals and wakes and dealing with all the people saying how great he was and shit... its tough and dont know how to help other then say sorry, i have love for you and i can understand what you are going through...(too much death lately)

well, all this has kind of blown the wind out of my sails today, im tired and bitchy, dont really feel like being at work and have a lot of stuff on my mind... so if anybody out there knows of something good happening right now, fill me in... doesnt have to be for the betterment of mankind or anything but it would be nice to know that somebody accually bought a farm and not bought the farm...get it...

UGH...come on back ive got something for ya...

I HAVE THIS JOB WHERE ON EXTREMELY RARE OCCASIONS I HAVE TO DEAL WITH COMPLETE ASS HOLES... normally i am the asshole but sometimes i have to help these schmucks... case in point... a local here, who owns property and sometimes hires us for our talents, comes in and wants some one to load some sand... first he called and wanted it delivered, our guys are too busy and he balked at the delivery fee.. so he expects some one here to load him... its something we do for free as a service... for people who we like... Unfortunately we have to deal with this dick as well... most of the time im not asked to do any of the loading, for nine years now ive hated it... with the exception of the people who genuinely appreciate it... and the folks i like helping out... but i still dont need to feel obligated to this ass...

the last time i was asked to help him out he told me right to my face i was lieing... i did this guy a favor, nobody else would do it, so i cut him a deal and tried to save him some money... spent three days and nights doing a water test for this fuck and he had the audacity to say i wasnt there... i was cutting this guy abreak... i was supposed to be there for six days and nights recording water collection rates and blah blah blah...

the time before that was here at the yard... same deal.. load some sand with the back hoe(which i hate doing even more than our usual loader).. he told the office he got less then he really did... they let him get away with it to avoid confrontation...

a couple of months ago he starts a rumor about me... i hear this from a very good friend who was being told this salacious rumor... he described the conversation as follows


"yeah i guess zack has been dealing coke to his friends." asshole says

"what? i dont think so..." good buddy replies

"yeah, his roommate sure works hard and is on the job before anyone else every morning." asshole reasserts

"i dont think so, hes got a.d.h.d and has worked for me before. he doesnt need drugs" buddy defends

"well zacks lights are always on late at night and seems like he sells coke." asshole states

"do you even know his roommate cause hes not like that... and i think zack has a lot of friends, but he doesnt sell coke..." buddy finishes off

do any of you know anyone on coke who shows up early to work?works real hard on coke? and is real productive on the job? thought so...

appartley this guy has never met my friend in question or been to a job site where he was working... what the fuck is with this guy??? if he is hoping for some info on where to get "hooked up" he should talk to his son or step daughter.. (no offense, just stating the fucking obvious) stop talking shit motherfucker, its a small town and nobody listens to you anyway... except people who dont know him or me...then they hear about that guy selling coke and think its me, or their fucking kid gets caught with some shit at school and lame parent says well theres a guy in big sur named zack... to get his little whelp out of trouble with the law....

well short story long... he rolls in today and i make him wait... five minutes goes by and people in the office are getting uncomfortable... so i go out...

"what do you want?" i say

"uh, oh, sand." he stammers

"concrete sand or fill sand..." im now glaring at him

"fill sand." he spits out

well i do a long inspection of the backhoe and notice a low tire... i check the oil, water and hydo fluid(something all the operators should be doing before they get on any piece of equipment...)and proceed to my shop, not the pile of sand... and begin airing up the tire... i think i lit a smoke some where in there too.. its a big tire and takes a while to fill up...well since im the mechanic, i decide its a good time to check all the tires... at this point i hear some cussing over by the sand and tires screeching... here he comes, cloud of dust and and tires blazing... stops, glares at me and points to the sand pile..

"ya, ya... it'll be a minute..." i say over my shoulder and go and take a piss in full view by the dumpster... who is the asshole now...

ha fucker, finish with the tires and drive down to the sand... did he bother to pull the tarp off the pile while he was waiting? no rake the leaves off? no.. so pretend to get a phone call and laugh into my machine for a good minute.. remove said tarp and fill the bucket full, heaping... Maneuver around his brand new extra cab tacoma... gold... what kind of ass buys a gold truck...(its his second one, same make and model) and dump the fucker in, one big blamo, not filter it in like i would do for everyone else...remember that ford commercial where they drop a huge bundle of wood into the bed and the truck bounces off the ground while the commentator says? "built ford tough!" anyway this truck did not bounce, it sank to the ground and left an imprint where it had bottomed out... i loved that part...watching his eyes explode as his truck was seriously hammered..hahahaha, fuck you... then he gets me to puts a little more in on top of that...as a toyota owner i started to fell bad for that truck...

anyway, he walks into the office, says something and quietly leaves... i go on a call to fix the kenwoth and come back and ask. "what the hell did he say?"
"oh, he said he only got a yard and a quarter" our office manager says

its a yard and quarter bucket when the material is flatttened not heaping..i go on and on about how full the bucket was and that he wanted "a little more" and you know what happened...nothing..they let him get away with it... what the fuck? im going to freak.. luckly i held back and maybe he will come back for more... its not my place to tell him anything, if the office likes getting ripped off, im not going to get in their way... but if he comes back and im expected to load more sand i might just bump into his truck and mangle up his racks a little..oops...

HOW DO YOU ALL DO IT???

how do you do it??? all the things you want to do and keep them all in order. yes, i know if i wouldnt drink so much i would have more time to do the things i like, or need to be doing... at least remember the stuff im supposed to be doing! there are things im wanting to do that, well i dunno... (more bitching)

let it go man... its not going to happen, the things you want... err... im not used to that, i can usually manifest everything for my self, never have i been stymied so much... i can do anything i want and then some!!! so how do you like me now? i make shit happen for myself, yes i have help from friends, but its me that makes things work out... (yeah asshole build yourself up) but its true... im just pickled right now with no end in sight... party tonight... free music at the bar tomorrow, (do you think ill be drinking there?) haha... saturday is also something im supposed to be remembering...hmmm... what is it... whatever... maybe ill be sober that day? heh.. im sure...

there are other things i want to be doing as well... i wonder what those things were?

the other night i had some topics i wanted to discuss that surprise i have forgotten about... i need a voice recorder... well im wasting your time with this post... same shit, different post. just another collection point here..sorry... ill be back later.. let the brain wake up...

YOU GUESSED IT..

ivE been reading some other great blogs that really have me bummed out on how lame mine is..here is a really good one ...http://www.standingonthebox.blogspot.com/ this guy is an amazing writer... from the hip and original... anyway now some one is trying to get me to work... more later.

OH A LITTLE TO HEAVY FOR THE AVERAGE READER...

I GUESS I WRITE SHIT THATS A LITTLE TOO HEAVY SOMETIMES... MY BAD... TO ALL.. PERHAPS I SHOULD START ANOTHER BLOG FOR THE HEAVY SHIT, MY OLD STUFF, AND ALL THE OTHER DEPRESSING POOR ME CRAP THAT ROLLS THROUGH MY HEAD... I WONDER IF YOU CAN HAVE TWO BLOGS? WHY NOT?...WOAH, I JUST GOT A HIT FROM THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT CO. IN OAKLAND...ANY IDEAS WHAT THE HELL THAT IS... YES PARANOIA... BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING MY LITTLE BLOG, HAHAHAHA...

BUT SORRY TO ALL FOR THE CHOPPY WRITING, THE HELL BENT ON SELF DESTRUCTION POSTS, AND ALL THE BITCHY STUFF AS WELL... I THOUGHT ID HAVE A BLOG TO WELL I DUNNO WHY I THOUGHT ID START ONE OTHER THEN TO LET IT ALL OUT... THESE VOICES, FEELINGS AND MUSINGS I HAVE SEEM TO TRANSCEND INTO THIS DUMPING SPOT FOR ALL THAT IS UNHOLY...

NEW NEWS, WENT TO DINNER LAST NIGHT WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS... ALWAYS AN EPIC DINNER AT THE CASHAGUA STORE ON MONDAYS... BUT SEVEN OF THE TWELVE PEOPLE WERE FORTY MINUTES LATE... NOT REALLY A BIG DEAL, BUT SOME OF US WERE FUCKING HUNGRY... I DONT KNOW OF A SINGLE PERSON IN OUR GROUP WHO WOULD NORMALLY TOLERATE SOMEONE BEING FORTY MINUTES LATE... WE SHOWED FIVE MINUTES EARLY AND IT ENDED UP BEING A LONG WAIT... ITS THE KIND OF PLACE THAT DOESNT REALLY SERVE YOU OR PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO YOU UNTIL YOUR WHOLE GROUP ARRIVES AND IT DEFINITELY TESTED THE PATIENCE OF A FEW PEOPLE AT THE TABLE... (BITCHING STARTS NOW) IVE WAITED FOR SOME OF THESE FOLKS BEFORE... HAD I KNOWN THEY WERE COMING I WOULD HAVE SUGGESTED ORDERING WITH OUT THEM... NOT IN FRUSTRATION, BUT IN RESPECT FOR THE GUESTS THAT MANAGED TO ARRIVE ON TIME... WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL...OTHERS I WOULD HAVE WAITED UNITL HELL FROZE OVER.. FOUR HOURS TOTAL AT A DINNER TABLE IS A LONG TIME... AFTER BEING SQUISHED INTO THE CORNER IT WAS TOUGH TO TALK WITH EVERY ONE AT THE TABLE... AND THROUGH OUT THE NIGHT I THINK SOME PEOPLE GOT OVER IT FINALLY BUT ITS STILL SOMETHING TO MENTION... IF YOUR GOING TO BE LATE, OR LETS SAY STOP AT A BAR AND HAVE A FEW DRINKS WHILE YOU WAIT ON SOMEONE WHO IS RUNNING LATE, PERHAPS ITS A GOOD IDEA TO LET THE REST OF THE PARTY IN ON THE REVISED PLANS... IM NOT POINTING ANY FINGERS AT ANY BODY... ITS NO ONES FAULT... AND TO THOSE WHO FELT BAD... NO WORRIES, I LOVE YOU..AND IM NOT EVEN BOTHERED BY IT REALLY... WELL YEAH I AM BUT ITS NO BIG DEAL... NOBODY PERFECT.. FUCK IT.. REVENGE IS SERVED SWEETEST COLD, BUT NOT DINNER...

ANOTHER PONDERING OF MINE.. IS READING OTHER BLOGS A WASTE OF TIME? SHOULD I BE READING POE, OR MILLER INSTEAD? ON SUNDAY I SPENT A COUPLE HOURS READING SOME GREAT BLOGS IVE FOUND... DO THEY ENLIGHTEN MY LIFE? AM I A BETTER PERSON, HAVING READ THEM? IS IT A WORTH WHILE EVENT... ID SAY YES.. I LOVE TO READ AND FOR THE MOST PART I FEEL THAT THE ONES IVE CHOSEN TO READ ARE TRUTHFUL AND INSIGHTFUL... TO ME ITS A GLIMPSE INTO THE WRITERS OF THE WORLD... FUCKING SMART PEOPLE OUT THERE... IN COLLEGE, AT WORK, RAISING KIDS, GOING THROUGH HELL LIKE ME!!! JUST POSTING IT ONLINE INSTEAD OF PUBLISHING A BOOK... WHICH YOU WOULD HAVE TO BUY EVERYDAY TO KEEP UP... AND I READ TWO NEWSPAPERS EVERYDAY(ALMOST)... THE HERALD HERE IS ASS, BUT ITS FREE TO READ HERE AT WORK DURING LUNCH...ANYWAY JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT TOO...

WELL BACK TO WORK... TURN THE WRENCH, WELD THE CRACK, TRY NOT TO HURT MY SELF SO I CAN GET OUT HIT THE BARS AND FORGET ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS THAT IM SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER TOMORROW... ALWAYS ANOTHER DAY TO DO IT AGAIN..???WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? GET A GRIP MAN...

OH I FORGOT

I WAS GOING TO START TO WRITE SOME OLDER STUFF ON HERE AS WELL.. YEAH IM LAUGHING AFTER READING THE TITLE... NO SHIT I FORGOT...THAT SHOULD BE MY LAST NAME...ALMOST SOUNDS SIMILAR TOO... ANYWAY HERE IS ONE THAT I FOUND...WHY I CHOSE THIS ONE... CLOSE TO THE FRONT OF THE BOOK I GUESS...

AN INNOCENT NEW BORN BABY, BORN OUT OF SIN...
CURSED WITH A LIFE OF EVIL, STILL FESTERING WITHIN...
HIS PARENTS FIRST BETRAYAL, LEFT HIM ALL ALONE...
STILL TOO YOUNG TO TELL THEM, STOP YOU BROKE A BONE...
YEARS WENT BY UNNOTICED, NOTHING REALLY CHANGED...
EXCEPT THE NEW MOM HE GOT, RELIGIOUS AND DERANGED...
THEY BASHED HIM BLOODY SO OFTEN, HE ALMOST LOST HIS LIFE...
SO MANY CUTS AND BRUISES, ONCE THERE WAS A KNIFE...
BOY TURNED MAN THAT DAY, FOUGHT BACK AND STOOD HIS GROUND...
LIFES HARD LEARNED LESSONS, SPILT FATHERS BLOOD TO THE GROUND...
HIS FUTURE JUST BEGINNING, LEFT TO EXPLORE THE WORLD...
WITH HEART FORGED OF STEEL, HATRED DEEPLY BURROWED...
KNOWING NOTHING IS FOREVER, ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS...
MORE LESSONS TO BE LEARNED, MORE GUN BLASTS...
STANDING TALL AND PROUD, HIS HELD UP HIGH...
HE DREAMS OF TRUE LOVE NOW AND ALWAYS ASKS WHY...
WILL I EVER BE HAPPY, WITH SOMEONE THAT IS TRUE...
WILL I EVER HEAR THE WORDS, I LOVE YOU...
5/96

BRAIN DEAD

I HAD THIS MOMENT OF CLARITY THE OTHER DAY, AMAZING I KNOW... BUT IVE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS... DAMN...IT WAS LIKE I KNEW SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER KNOWN AND WELL ITS GONE... IM LOSING FRIENDS AND CANT GRIP REALITY MORE AND MORE... YEAH PUT THE BEER DOWN ASSHOLE... BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS GOING AWAY... IM NOT IN THE LOOP ANYMORE, I USED TO FEEL LIKE I WAS THE LOOP. I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING... I HAD PLANS, PARTIES, PEOPLE AROUND WHO TRUSTED ME... DID THE LAST YEAR OF BITCHING ABOUT MYSELF PUSH PEOPLE AWAY? AM I TOO MUCH INTO ME? FUCK!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I USED TO KNOW WHO WAS SLEEPING WITH WHO, EVEN IF IT WASNT TRUE I AT LEAST KNEW THE RUMOR AS IT WAS STARTING, NOT WEEKS LATER WHEN IT WAS PROVED RIGHT OR WRONG... DID MOVING UP HERE TO THIS HOUSE PUSH PEOPLE AWAY... IS IT MY DRINKING? WHERE THE HELL IS MY FUCKING BEER ANYWAY.... ANOTHER K-PAX MOMENT... HAHAHA... IM BACK AND POP AN ICE COLD BEER IN MY HAND BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW I WAS GONE...

REALITY SEEMS TO BE LEAVING ME, BUT WHAT IS IT ANYWAY? SOMETHING I MAKE UP AND WANT TO BE IN? OR AM I IN MY REALITY NOW WITH MASSIVE MEMORY LOSS AND STOMACH PAINS 24/7? BLEEDING ASS AND CONSTANT FEAR OF DOING THE WRONG THING? MY PHONE USED TO RING OFF THE HOOK... NOW NOTHING... YEAH POOR ME, NOBODY LOVES ME...WHERE ARE MY WORMS?

IS THIS SOMETHING I CAN OVERCOME, DID I MISTREAT THEM, BETRAY THEIR TRUST IN SOME WAY... LOSE THE ABILITY TO SEE BEHIND PEOPLES FRONTS AND INTO THEM? I CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS FAKING IT OR JUST GOING THROUGHOUT THE MOTIONS...AM I NOT APPROACHABLE ANY MORE... AM I TOO DRUNK... ARE PEOPLE TIRED OF MY SHIT? MY BROODING AND WHINING, MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS... IS THAT IT, ARE FOLKS AFRAID OF ME... DO PEOPLE SEE THROUGH MY IRON MASK? ARE THE WALLS NOT AS THICK AND TALL AS I BELIEVE? ARE THE FRIENDS THAT KNOW ME NOT WANTING TO KNOW ME ANY MORE... SHOULD I SIMPLY BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME, SOMEONE WITHOUT ISSUES AND REMORSE? SHOULD I LET EVERYTHING GO AND WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET?

WOULD I WANT THAT IN A FRIEND, SOME ONE WITH NO DEPTH, NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, NO INSECURITIES??? WOULD YOU... YOU PROBABLY WOULD WANT A FRIEND WHO REMEMBERS YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY OR YOUR FAVORITE DRINK!! MEMORY, I LOST MINE... I FEEL I JUST COMPARTMENTALIZE EVERYTHING AND FORGET WHERE I PUT IT.. KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT? SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU ALL BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO GOTO WORK OR TO A PARTY AND PRETEND EVERYTHING IS GOOD, SO YOU PUT IT AWAY AND DEAL WITH IT LATER, (GOOD TECHNIQUE FOR GETTING ALONG WITH HEAVY TRAUMA)... BUT I SEEM TO DO IT WITH EVERYTHING... WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IS IT??? FUCK... WELL IM JUST BITCHING ABOUT BORING SHIT AGAIN AND ALL THIS FAST PACE TYPING IS KEEPING ME AWAY FROM MY BEER... WHICH IF I WERE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN AT MY SELF I WOULD SAY UM "HEY DOORNOB, WHY DONT YOU STOP DRINKING SO MUCH, TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF AND PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE..." WELL IVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO DO WHAT EVERYONE THINKS I SHOULD BE DOING...WHY, WHATS MY PROBLEM...

MAYBE... THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM A DRUNK, A RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT, SOMEONE WHO IS AFRAID OF LOVE BECAUSE ITS ONLY EVER BEEN USED AS A TOOL TO HURT ME... MAYBE I AM THIS LOSER WHO PRETENDS TO BE "COOL" AND I USE ALCOHOL TO SURPRESS MY ANGST AT THE WORLD... MAYBE IM ON BORROWED TIME AND AM NEAR DEATH ANYWAY... MAYBE IM FUCKING CRAZY AND I SHOULD STOP OBBESSING ABOUT THE POOR ME FACTOR AND REALIZE IM JUST FINE AND IM NORMAL... YEAH NORMAL...WAIT WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?

SHOVE IT UP THE ASSHOLE OF LIFE...

SO WRITERS BLOCK IT IS... HAVE NOT WRITTEN IN AGES!! OR SO IT FEELS... IN MY HEAD HAVE BEEN VOLUMES OF NONSENSE.. BUT NONE THE LESS IT IS HERE, NO WILL TO WRITE, NO DESIRE...TRANSFER OF ADDICTION? I DUNNO... ALCOHOL HAS BEEN THERE THOUGH...WHICH ADDICTION IS IT THIS WEEK... JUST FINISHED ANOTHER BEER.. HOLD ON... DOWN A FLIGHT OF STEPS AND ACROSS THE KITCHEN TO THE FRIDGE... THIS WILL FEEL LIKE THE MOMENT IN THE FILM K-PAC... SEE IM BACK, SIX MINUTES JUST WENT BY AND ONLY A BLIP IN TIME FOR YOU... ANYWAY...

I WAS GOING THROUGH AND OLD BOOK... TITLED "BOOK OF ZACK" (LOOKING FOR STUFF I MAY HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT MY MOM, AND STUMBLED ON SOME OLD THOUGHTS...) WOW... HERE IS SHIT I HAVE NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT UNTIL THAT MOMENT BUT NOW I COULD RECITE IT WORD FOR WORD LIKE I WAS WORKING IT OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME!! WANNA HEAR SOME.. TOO BAD, HAHAHAHA..MAYBE ITS SOMETHING ILL START TO DO...WRITE OLD FEELINGS IN HERE TOO... MOST LIKELY IT WILL BE SOMETHING I START AND DONT FINISH...

THIS WAS IN A SECTION OF THE BOOK WHERE I HAD WRITTEN FIVE PIECES... NONE OF THEM DATED AND ALL WITH DIFFERENT PENS... WHEN I WAS WRITING THAT BOOK I DIDNT WANT IT TO BE CHRONOLOGICAL, I WANTED IT TO BE JUMBLED AND NOT IN ORDER, LIKE WHAT HAPPENS UP THERE... IN BRAINLAND... BUT OTHER STUFF I HAD WRITTEN IN THE "METALLIC BLUE PEN" WAS AROUND JUNE TO JULY OF OH SIX... POWERFUL PIECE, NOT LIKE THE CRAP I POST HERE BUT SOMETHING THAT IM SURE PEOPLE MIGHT WONDER...

POUNDING HAMMER IN MY HEAD
REMINDS ME OF ALL WHO ARE DEAD
GRINDING WHEELS OF BLOODY HELL
I STILL REMEMBER HIS AWFUL SMELL
BLASTING SOUNDS OF HIS STEEL GUN
SOMETIMES I WISH I WOULD HAVE LET HIM RUN
GURGLING GASPS OF AIR NOT THERE
DRAGGED HIM OFF BY HIS HIPPY HAIR
"FUCK YOU MAN YOU PIECE OF SHIT"
"ON YOUR SHALLOW GRAVE I SPIT"
I GAVE YOU PEACE
YOU GAVE ME HELL...
FROM THE HEAVENS MY SOUL HAS FELL

YEAH... I KNOW, WHAT THE HELL AM I WRITING THAT IN HERE FOR... I HAD WRITERS BLOCK AND NEEDED SOMETHING TO PUT DOWN TONIGHT... NEEDING QUIET... NEEDING SOMETHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT... NEEDING TO KNOW THAT TEN YEARS AGO I WAS FUCKED THEN TOO... IVE FOUND SOME POEMS THAT I WROTE BACK THEN... AND THEY ARE FUNNY NOW, AND SOME MUSINGS THAT ARE WELL MORE DISTURBING THEN THAT... BUT I THINK TONIGHT I WILL END THIS ONE WITH ONE OF "MY FEW THOUGHTS ON DRINKING..." (A FEW PAGES WERE SCRIBBLED OUT WITH THAT TITLE ABOVE...) PERHAPS ILL REWRITE ONE OF THOSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.. GOODNIGHT...

*SOMETIMES I DRINK TO REMEMBER
SOMETIMES I DRINK TO FORGET
SOMETIMES I DRINK TO BE HAPPY
AND AT TIMES I DRINK TO GET DRUNK
BUT NO MATTER WHAT I ALWAYS DRINK*

LAME I KNOW, SO... SORRY...THATS JUST THE ONE I PICKED TO COPY TONIGHT... OH AND BYE THE WAY THAT WAS WRITTEN ON JUNE, TWENTY FIFTH, NINETEEN NINETY EIGHT...DOUBLE OH, TONIGHTS TITLE WAS A PASSAGE OF SOMETHING FROM NINETY EIGHT AS WELL...

GOOD MOVIE!!!

I WATCHED A GREAT MOVIE LAST NIGHT... IT WAS A JULIO MEDEM FILM, (YES FOREIGN AND SUBTITLED) SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DONT LIKE TO READ YOUR MOVIES...ITS NOT FOR YOU... ITS CALLED "SEX AND LUCIA"... GREAT MOVIE!!! YES, YES... LOTS OF SEX AND NUDITY BUT THE PLOT KEEPS CHANGING OR "FALLING INTO HOLES"... GREAT AND UNTIL THE END YOU DONT REALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE IT IS GOING... WELL I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME TOO MUCH INFORMATION OR WHEN THE TRAILER SHOWS YOU HALF OF THE MOVIE BUT HERE IS A LINK...
WELL LAST I FINALLY GOT HOME AT A DECENT HOUR AND GOT SOME REST... LIKE I SAID I WATCHED A MOVIE... BUT I GOT SOME SLEEP AND WOKE UP LATE AND AM GOING TO SPEND THE DAY DOING THE PROJECTS THAT I SHOULD BE DOING!! WATER THE PLANTS, MOP THE FLOOR, TAKE A SHOWER...ETC.. ALL THE STUFF I NEVER HAVE ANY TIME TO DO... SHOWER? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT... I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SCRUB!! DIRTBAG!!! ANYWAY... THE WEATHER IS CHANGING AND IM LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT! ITS WINDY UP HERE ON THE MOUNTAIN AND I BET ITS COLD AS FUCK ON THE COAST!!! TIME TO GET MY FIREWOOD SITUATION HANDLED... WHAT A LAME POSTING BUT IM NOT REALLY AWAKE YET SO THE VOICES SEEM TO BE AT BAY!! SO ENJOY THE DAY!!! i think ill have a toke... puff puff ah no one to pass it to...puff puff...

OH HEY...

HAVE THAT OVERWHELMING FEELING THAT SOME THING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY OR SOON... MY HOROSCOPES HAVENT BEEN ALL THAT GOOD... CAUSE IM WICKED INTO THAT... (NOT) BUT FUNNY THAT I FEEL IT COMING ANYWAY... BEEN IN A GOOD MOOD FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS NOW.. SINCE MY BIRTHDAY, ANYWAY... I DUNNO JUST FEELING WEIRD, WANT THE CLOUD OF DOOM TO SCREW OFF FOR A WHILE... BUT I FEEL SOMETHING... OFF, NOT RIGHT...

IM IN A REALLY GOOD MOOD!!

WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? WELL ALOT, DONT LET ME COMPLAIN... I DO THAT ENOUGH... JUST READ SOME GREAT POSTS AND TURNED MY DAY IN TO THAT SARCASTIC GOODNESS FROM THIS MORNING.. WITH OUT THE SARCASM... YEAH FUNNY... AS MISERABLE AS I THOUGHT ID BE THIS WEEK ITS TURNING OUT TO BE REAL GOOD.... I KNOW I KNOW... SETTING MY SELF UP FOR A DOWN TURN BUT HEY ILL ENJOY THE UP AS WELL... YEAH I JUST FEEL REAL GOOD... DONT WANT TO WASTE IT HERE THOUGH... I SIMPLY FELT OBLIGED TO LET EVERY ONE KNOW THAT SOMETIMES IM NORMAL LIKE YOU, NOT NORMAL LIKE ME...

BEAUTIFUL DAY

LETS TRY SOMETHING CHEERY AND LIGHT HEARTED! YAH THE DAY IS BEAUTIFUL... SUCH A NICE MORNING AT MY HOUSE... NO SHIRT ON AND JUST SHORTS.. SUN OUT AND A SMALL BREEZE TO KEEP THE DICK FLYS AWAY... GOT SEVEN SOLID HOURS OF GOOD SLEEP AND WOKE UP FEELING FRESH AND READY TO TACKLE THE DAY... LIFE IS GREAT AND IM IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL...

(WHAT A BUNCH OF HORSE SHIT, BUT ILL KEEP TRYING)

THE DRIVE TO WORK WAS NICE, COMING DOWN THE RIDGE AND INTO THE CANYON WAS ASTOUNDING... COASTAL FOG CREEPING UP INTO THE HIGHER ELEVATIONS REACHING OUT AS FAR AS IT WOULD GO... NOBODY ELSE ON THE ROAD... I DID HEAT UP THE BRAKES ENOUGH TO SMELL THEM BUT THEY ARE BRAND NEW AND PERHAPS THEY ARE JUST BREAKING IN... HAD A LITTLE GOD SMACK ON THE STEREO AND COMPANY IN THE CAR... IT WAS A GOOD MOOD MORNING...

(EYES SWOLLEN AND NEEDING A FUCKING CIGARETTE)

GOT TO THE HIGHWAY AND THE FOG WAS JUST OFF THE ROAD SO IT WASNT A PROBLEM SEEING WHERE I WAS GOING... PEACEFUL ON MY WAY TO WORK... THE RANGERS WERE QUESTIONING SOMEONE WHO WAS SLEEPING IN THEIR CAR, AND THERE WERE TWO DEAD BIRDS ON THE FLATS... BUT NOTHING ELSE REALLY BOTHERED ME... NO BODY IN MY WAY AND I KEPT TO THE SPEED LIMIT... TAKES THIRTY FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE TO MY WORK... SHOWED UP HERE AND EVERYBODY IS WORKING AND STARTING THE DAY!!!

(NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH SWOLLEN EYES AND SMOKING)

START THE WORK DAY AND EVERYTHING I DID YESTERDAY PAID OFF.. THE RESEARCH, THE WRITTEN PROPOSALS AND THE EXTRA TOUCH ON THE SIDE NOTE... THEY WENT FOR IT! SO THIS MORNING I ORDERED THE EQUIPMENT AND SAVED BLAZE ABOUT A THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! YEAH ME... IT IS A GOOD FEELING AFTER ALL WHEN YOU DO A GOOD JOB AND IT PAYS OFF... GOING TO GET SOME STUFF DONE TODAY AND GO HOME AND FINISH CLEANING UP AFTER MONDAY NIGHTS BBQ... SORRY TO ALL WHO DID NOT MAKE IT... I KNOW YOU FEEL LEFT OUT AND BENT BUT, ITS NOT THE HAPPIEST DAY FOR ME AND JUST WANTED A SMALL FAIR... I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND!!! TO THOSE WHO WERE THERE THANX AGAIN...

(HOW ABOUT THAT SESAME STREET JOY, ARE YOU FEELING IT)

WELL I HAVE TO GET ON WITH MY AMAZING MORNING OF BLISS AND POSITIVITY!!! TODAY I WILL CONTINUE TRYING TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD AND TO STAY POSITIVE... NO BITCHING, NO WHINING AND NO POOR ME.. LIFE IS GOOD... I CANT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A TURTLES BLEEDING HEMROID DRAGGING ACROSS THE GROUND...

(GET TO WORK YOU FUCKING TROLL)

party

had a great birthday party!!! how fun... i just wanted a small bbq and ended up having a shit load of people come over... so cool, even got some great gifts as well!!! people were so nice.... so many folks were there... anyway i have a huge case of brain drain today and im not going to make it much longer... so tired... alcohol isnt really helping me out these dayz.. need to stop drinking so much, but it was my birthday... anyway have a good day to all.. i feel like im floating today... head in clouds instead of ass..

F YOU BLOGGER

I HATE WHEN THIS SHIT ERASES A POSTING!!! BIG MIDDLE FINGER TO YOU INTERNET BOOK... THANKFULLY IT WAS JUST ME BITCHING ABOUT HOW MUCH IM HURTING... MY TUMMY, MY BACK, MY ASS... LAME POSTING, BUT I FINALLY GOT A PICTURE TO UPLOAD... SO ILL PUT THIS PIC ON INSTEAD, YES ITS LAME BUT SO AM I!! DRANK TOO MUCH AGAIN... WHAT A LOSER...

WORK

NO TIME... BEEN BUSTING MY ASS TODAY TO MAKE UP FOR MY LAZINESS OF THIS WEEK... IM SORE! OH WELL TO THE GRIND!! TALLY HO..

NO MORE BOO HOO

YEAH IM TIRED, POOR ME... HAD A GREAT WEEKEND AND NOW IM AT WORK AND IM BEAT..WENT TO THE TOOL CONCERT, WHERE I PROMPTLY GOT SHIT FACED RIGHT AFTER, COOL THOUGH... I GUESS I WAS GOING TO PEE IN LAURENS HOUSE PLANT BUT STOPPED AND WENT OUT SIDE INSTEAD... WEIRD, I HATE BLACKING OUT... I REMEMBER FALLING OVER THE COFFEE TABLE AND NOT BREAKING ANYTHING, BUT PEEING IN THE PLANTER, NOPE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED THERE... THE SHOW WAS ROCKING AND GOT TO GET UP PRETTY CLOSE... A LITTLE TIME IN THE PIT AND HUNG OUT IN THE PARKING LOT DRINKING CAPT. AND COKE AFTERWARDS.. LOTS OF CAPT. NOT SO MUCH COKE, BUT WE FINISH HALF A GALLON BETWEEN FOUR OF US. I LOVE THE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IN THE CITY... ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE AND IT GETS YOU EVERYWHERE!!! I LIKE THE BART THE BEST... ITS LIKE THE SUBWAY OR SKYTRAIN, BUT DIRTY... YEAH THEN I GOT TO WALK COMPLETELY WASTED FROM THE STATION TO LAURENS HOUSE...MUST HAVE LOOKED PRETTY BAD BUT I HAD FUN!!! I GUESS THAT WHEN I POLISHED OFF THE MOONSHINE AND FINISHED A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE I GOT ER WELL DRUNK... OOPS... EARTH TO RETARD...NOT OK.... LEARN HOW TO DRINK LIKE A MAN, NOT A FUCKING COLLEGE KID...
YESTERDAY I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH GAVIN FOR A LITTLE WHILE... GOT PIZZA, DRANK BEER, WENT DOWN TO THE AVENUE, WHERE LO AND BEHOLD BECKY BIRD SONG IS WORKING!!! RANDOM, I HAVE NOT SEEN HER IN LIKE TEN YEARS? MORE? GOOD TO SEE HER... SHE LOOKED GREAT AND CHANGED HER STYLE... GOOD TIMES, TALKING ABOUT OUR FRIEND POEM AND OTHER PEOPLE I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF IN YEARS... YEAH FUN... ANYWAY, FEELS LIKE A MONDAY...
WELL FEELING PRETTY GOOD BESIDES THE MILD BUZZING IN MY HEAD LEFT OVER FROM THE SUNDAY NIGHT METAL SHOW, AND I GOT A CALL FROM A GOOD FRIEND THIS MORNING WHO SHOWERED ME WITH NICE THOUGHTS... I HAVE A FEW OF THOSE GOOD FRIENDS THAT JUST CALL TO SAY I LOVE YOU OR WHATEVER, THANX TO THOSE FOLKS... ANYWAY I THOUGHT THIS PICTURE WOULD BE A GOOD ONE FOR TODAY... SINCE I SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN BARS THIS WEEKEND...GO GAVIN WITH THE LADIES!!! ENJOY!!!