Sunday, September 24, 2006

BRAIN DEAD


I HAD THIS MOMENT OF CLARITY THE OTHER DAY, AMAZING I KNOW... BUT IVE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS... DAMN...IT WAS LIKE I KNEW SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER KNOWN AND WELL ITS GONE... IM LOSING FRIENDS AND CANT GRIP REALITY MORE AND MORE... YEAH PUT THE BEER DOWN ASSHOLE... BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS GOING AWAY... IM NOT IN THE LOOP ANYMORE, I USED TO FEEL LIKE I WAS THE LOOP. I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING... I HAD PLANS, PARTIES, PEOPLE AROUND WHO TRUSTED ME... DID THE LAST YEAR OF BITCHING ABOUT MYSELF PUSH PEOPLE AWAY? AM I TOO MUCH INTO ME? FUCK!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I USED TO KNOW WHO WAS SLEEPING WITH WHO, EVEN IF IT WASNT TRUE I AT LEAST KNEW THE RUMOR AS IT WAS STARTING, NOT WEEKS LATER WHEN IT WAS PROVED RIGHT OR WRONG... DID MOVING UP HERE TO THIS HOUSE PUSH PEOPLE AWAY... IS IT MY DRINKING? WHERE THE HELL IS MY FUCKING BEER ANYWAY.... ANOTHER K-PAX MOMENT... HAHAHA... IM BACK AND POP AN ICE COLD BEER IN MY HAND BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW I WAS GONE...

REALITY SEEMS TO BE LEAVING ME, BUT WHAT IS IT ANYWAY? SOMETHING I MAKE UP AND WANT TO BE IN? OR AM I IN MY REALITY NOW WITH MASSIVE MEMORY LOSS AND STOMACH PAINS 24/7? BLEEDING ASS AND CONSTANT FEAR OF DOING THE WRONG THING? MY PHONE USED TO RING OFF THE HOOK... NOW NOTHING... YEAH POOR ME, NOBODY LOVES ME...WHERE ARE MY WORMS?

IS THIS SOMETHING I CAN OVERCOME, DID I MISTREAT THEM, BETRAY THEIR TRUST IN SOME WAY... LOSE THE ABILITY TO SEE BEHIND PEOPLES FRONTS AND INTO THEM? I CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS FAKING IT OR JUST GOING THROUGHOUT THE MOTIONS...AM I NOT APPROACHABLE ANY MORE... AM I TOO DRUNK... ARE PEOPLE TIRED OF MY SHIT? MY BROODING AND WHINING, MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS... IS THAT IT, ARE FOLKS AFRAID OF ME... DO PEOPLE SEE THROUGH MY IRON MASK? ARE THE WALLS NOT AS THICK AND TALL AS I BELIEVE? ARE THE FRIENDS THAT KNOW ME NOT WANTING TO KNOW ME ANY MORE... SHOULD I SIMPLY BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME, SOMEONE WITHOUT ISSUES AND REMORSE? SHOULD I LET EVERYTHING GO AND WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET?

WOULD I WANT THAT IN A FRIEND, SOME ONE WITH NO DEPTH, NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM, NO INSECURITIES??? WOULD YOU... YOU PROBABLY WOULD WANT A FRIEND WHO REMEMBERS YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY OR YOUR FAVORITE DRINK!! MEMORY, I LOST MINE... I FEEL I JUST COMPARTMENTALIZE EVERYTHING AND FORGET WHERE I PUT IT.. KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT? SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU ALL BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO GOTO WORK OR TO A PARTY AND PRETEND EVERYTHING IS GOOD, SO YOU PUT IT AWAY AND DEAL WITH IT LATER, (GOOD TECHNIQUE FOR GETTING ALONG WITH HEAVY TRAUMA)... BUT I SEEM TO DO IT WITH EVERYTHING... WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IS IT??? FUCK... WELL IM JUST BITCHING ABOUT BORING SHIT AGAIN AND ALL THIS FAST PACE TYPING IS KEEPING ME AWAY FROM MY BEER... WHICH IF I WERE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN AT MY SELF I WOULD SAY UM "HEY DOORNOB, WHY DONT YOU STOP DRINKING SO MUCH, TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF AND PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE..." WELL IVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO DO WHAT EVERYONE THINKS I SHOULD BE DOING...WHY, WHATS MY PROBLEM...

MAYBE... THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM A DRUNK, A RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT, SOMEONE WHO IS AFRAID OF LOVE BECAUSE ITS ONLY EVER BEEN USED AS A TOOL TO HURT ME... MAYBE I AM THIS LOSER WHO PRETENDS TO BE "COOL" AND I USE ALCOHOL TO SURPRESS MY ANGST AT THE WORLD... MAYBE IM ON BORROWED TIME AND AM NEAR DEATH ANYWAY... MAYBE IM FUCKING CRAZY AND I SHOULD STOP OBBESSING ABOUT THE POOR ME FACTOR AND REALIZE IM JUST FINE AND IM NORMAL... YEAH NORMAL...WAIT WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?

No comments: