Thursday, November 13, 2008

i'll have you all know...


anybody notice my posts suck as of this week?
anybody notice my comments have been offensive and rude.
I'm sure you have noticed me picking on people that take themselves a bit tooo seriously.
there is a reason for this and i have no qualms about being this way when I'm on my period.
yes, some of you readers may not believe this but I'm sick. head cold, body aches, nasal drips like a surfer on a cold day. and yes I'm fucking grouchy about it. i don't care either...
but i don't like bitching about it non stop and my normal "power through the cold with copious amounts of caffeine and alcohol" isn't working either...

so this will be the only apology i issue for my behavior for the past week and following few days.

now on with the show shall we...


several weeks ago cheese purchased a crock-pot. and yesterday morning she got up early and harvested some fresh veggies and herbs from the garden to add to the whole chicken she had been planning to cook that day in the new device. added all the ingredients, sprinkled it with love and set that fucker on low and left for work.
i found out about it at lunch when i was eating at her place of work. i believe both of us had dreams of that wonderfully potent smell of crockpottery cooked chicken on our arrival home. all those delicious and tender veggies, spices and meat that have been permeating the air throughout the entire day! personally i could hardly wait to get home...
we finished our days work and arrived home at about the same time... i was bringing in a load of firewood when cheese and company arrived home and both of us walked in the house at the same time... noses up and ready for the aromatic pleasures of home cooked goodness...
the girls go in first and exclaim:

"whats that smell?"
"is that diner?"
"is that chicken!? what else smells in here?"

cheese is next to roll into the house with expectations of herby delight and says:

"mmmm, that smells go---ood."

her voice falters as i enter the house with an armload of wood. my nose perks up and i am indeed overcome with the joyous aromas as well, but there is something else that is mixed in and the further into the house i go the more over powering it becomes.

"aaahhh fuck..."

we say almost in unison...

i unload the wood into the iron holder and begin to make my way upstairs where we usually find the evidence of the second smell when cheese says.... "found it! eeewww, oh god..." i return to the lower level of the house and there it is, i should say, there they were, several flattened piles of runny, doggy ass sickness...

yep folks, dog shit... a sick dogs shit... spackling the Italian tile floor. stepped in and tracked about the dining room. all green and snotty and sandy... our normal routine for this event is to play a single round of "rock, paper, scissors" to see who gets the honors of cleaning it up. but this was going to require two of us, due to the nature and consistency of the poo...

i'd go into it about the cleaning portion of the evening if you would like but there is more to the story... of a different nature...

dinner was completed with some brown rice and i cooked up some french bread and homemade garlic butter (no one makes better garlic bread than me folks, sorry. but no, no you don't... not even close, not even your great, great gandmammies recipe is better than mine...). we eat and little cheese clears off the table while cheese cleans the kitchen.

moments later i have a movie qued up for the girls and I'm passed the fuck out on the couch with a beer in hand... I'm woken up with some child squabbling and groggily make my way to the bedroom... cheese joins me seemingly moments later, but I'm sure she has gotten them to wash up, brush their teeth and into bed, complete with stories and smoochies. both of us are off to slumber land by 9:30.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!! NO!! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!!!

I wake up who knows how much later but its bright out side with the full moon and cheese is bolting down the stairs at mach 8.

"reeetch, cough, choke, reettcchhh, blauthch, cough, choke, purge..." one of the dogs is going for it full blast at the bottom of the stairs...

"NO! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!!, AHHH, FUCK.... OUT! OUT!! OUT!!! OUT!!!! OUTSIDE YOU FUCKING DOG!!!" I hear cheese open and close the front door with a slam...
for the rest of the early morning we fight over pillows and sleeping space (i have a Cali-king mattress with ten pillows so i have no idea how this happens) blankets and alarm clock action...
so folks that was my evening yestarday...

I'm not sure how it happened but that dog got me sick cause our "ins and outs" look about the same... can you picture that???

75 comments:

Queen Goob said...

No I can't.....where was your camera? WE WANT PHOTOS!

Dr. Z.? I crack myself up, too.

Megan said...

I'll pass on the photos, thanks.

That Guy said...

Man, I was all ready to tell you about my excapades of lat with the crock pot. Chicken soup, chili, beef stew, sooo many other things. I thought briefly of exchanging recipes, successes, failures of the crock pot...which is SUCH a great tool (like you) in the kitchen when you're not wanting to spend the time cooking. Everything was perfect...the kids' remards upon entry, Cheese's "That smells goo-ood!" I realized who I was dealing with about halfway through, and knew it was too good to be true.

Thanks for always being the Z i know. You always come through you shitbag.

That Guy said...

ps: hope you feel better, yo.

INNER VOICES said...

*opens button down shirt just enough to show the giant letter Z emblazoned on his bullet proof Lycra under outfit and buttons shirt back up*


goob, no photos, you will have to imagine the glory for yourself...

megan, no worries, there is enough shit here to go around without photos of it. *taps cheek and looks skyward thinking of something new*

that guy, yeah man, although the crocked food was excellent, i couldn't let the post go with out the full experience!!

thanks for commenting!!!

hnter1018 said...

Your cooking skills have come along way voices-san since living in the flats and eating a block of rice that was overcooked with a ton of butter and salt to make it edible.

Too bad about the dogs. That is rotten when they do that then track it everywhere

Hope you feel better. The kids and wife just got over a cold like that

INNER VOICES said...

hntr, yeah being sick is a real bitch. id everything possible to make it pleasant for every one involved. over medicate at night with niquil liquid caps and robo-bombing in the moring before work and dayquil cold and cough in the late afternoon. i drink as much alcohol as humanly possible before bedtime and try not to cough indoors... thanks for the wishes and i do mean to be calling you soon. i swear it man... i dont know what my problem has been as of late with that...


i do remember the beach flats house where we cooked the rice and beans together (that we got from the christian people who were helping out us poor white folk) and wondered how to strain the cooked rice and why the beans were so crunchy still. i remember it was days later that it was "edible" and how much of the butter and salt we had to load up on it...



aaahhhh, the good old days eh?

Leah said...

Oh gods. I'm sorry. My old dog gets sick so often now that every sound now sounds to me like his retching. Somehow, I'm always the one to clean up...

I'm totally inspired to get a crock pot, I've wanted one for ages!

And feel better--we're still getting over ours--

kylie said...

so you're doing snotty greeen sandy shit?
one of my kids did blue once

niiiiice

anon, i know heaps of big words and i might clobber you with em!

Z, of course you were outing your anon commenter and he admited you got him, what more do you want, you rude ignorant obnoxious horrible green-shitted man

:)

INNER VOICES said...

kylie!!! yes thats the spirit!!! now get out the rubber suit and make us all your bitches!!!

mj, can kylie borrow your house boy training outfit?!?!?

leah, its tough when the dogs get old... im feeling yah. you go from "oh the dog is just hacking up a little stick or something.."
to "out out out!! get out before... ughhh..."

and leah, get the crock pot... one word of advice, dont be afraid to use butter. you would think that stewing in its own juices for hours on end would make meat juicy, sometimes it pulls all the juices out and leaves the meat dry... just a hint. but yes indeed-dee-doo get a crocker pot...

thanks for the comments!!!

Gledwood said...

oooer!!!

denim said...

oh man, i thought they got into the crock pot. that woulda been a much better story. you should consider stretching the truth sometime for the sake of your readers.

sucks to hear you're feelin bad, good thing i've been stayin away.

i just saw the big boss who isn't the boss at the mall in her big suv trying to go through a clearly marked closed section of the road. had to do a 3 point and everything. love it!

Queen Goob said...

I've been eyeballing one of those seven quart KitchAid slow cookers for a few weeks now....looks like I may have to cave.

I feel like a turd - I didn't tell you I hope you feel better. Does this mean I will now get a nasty anonymous post on my blog?

Megan said...

Oh yeah. Get better, blah, blah, blah...

shelaghayan said...

Oly wakes me up every morning with nasty ball-licking slurpy sounds but it doesn't begin to compare to explosive canine diarrhea. What a way to fuck up a good chicken dinner.

Sorry you're sick (in the head?). Just wanted to wander by and say hi.

INNER VOICES said...

gledwood, so youve been lurking about with the rest of them eh? *sets live trap with cheese and crackers and waits for glewood to return*
official welcome then!

denim, oh i never stretch the truth. *sniggers to self*
the big boss eh? heh heh..

goob, its a must have for every kitchen...and i'll be over to blow some snot in your comment box soon...

megan, yah yah... it would be more meaning full if you would wipe the snot from my mustache...

INNER VOICES said...

she she... where the fuck have you been. and the ball licking sounds you speak of... is that from wearing the strap on to bed or is he licking his own balls?

welcome back. how bout a new post eh? i pimp you out, you get mad comments then you leave us all in the dark. dont make me give that pic of you to mj and have ger start pimping you out!

shelaghayan said...

Dude. I was doing the conference circuit, busy saving the world from disease and scourge. Give me a fuckin' break, man! (Also, I managed to squeeze a few benders in and some Class-A drama...)

Oly licks his own balls. He does it with an impressive single-minded determination. I believe it is a lingering effect of the time he ate a dozen... uh, cookies and discovered his testicles. I think it's foul and disturbing but how do you tell a dog that his behavior is rude?

shelaghayan said...

What picture?

INNER VOICES said...

pasties and strap on ring a bell....


*sniggers to self about she she being "busy saving the world from disease and scourge" and wonders what voo doo she she is using to make him soooo sick*

shelaghayan said...

ohhh... yeah. that one. What possessed me to send it to you again?

(O vodu é para as galinhas. O mundo é doente sem mim.)

INNER VOICES said...

you secretly want me to think of you wearing a male apparatus...

shelaghayan said...

Transexuality excites me. I like surprises.

INNER VOICES said...

you should saunter on over to the "mj" link in the side bar then...

Kookaburra said...

Yeah, I had noticed that your Posts weren't up to standard this week and as for your comments ...

Crock - pot cooking is really ace. Nothing beats it for a nutritious, wholesome, homecooked meal.

What a shame that your dog/s crapped all thru the house and were crook during the night. Perhaps they ate something they shouldn't have.

I hope that you are soon back to good health and fine fettle.

INNER VOICES said...

THANKS KOOK!!!

hnter1018 said...

Z llok on ebay under browning decal. You can get one for for around three bucks

INNER VOICES said...

hntr, nice man i'll be checking it for sure!!! what sticker does your lady have on her ride?

hnter1018 said...

None...but I do have one for mine

It says: Ditch the bitch let's go hunting.

She actually found it for me!!

Suzanne said...

Hunter, if I didn't love you, I'd smack you. Or I'd stuff that MF sticker down your throat. *Fixes hair and staightens top before kissing Hunter firmly on the forehead in an effort to feel some degree of Zen.* See, that's the difference between me and your wife, she perpetuates your sickness. What? No, I'm not going to change. You're damn lucky you're in MA and married to that beautiful woman because I'd never put up with that crap. ;)

Man, there are just too many funny comments to comment about. I bought a little booklet about crockpot cooking while in the checkout line. I love the whole concept. My sister Cher uses her's all the time and loves it (has for over 10 years). Honestly, I never considered it until educating myself. Wow, a whole new world. But I'll be honest, I thought about electricity v gas. Honestly, that's how I think. 8 hours of elecricity v 30 minutes of gas. I'll have to research before committing. Cheese, I assume you have. What are the stats?

About sick dogs. You get sick, so why shouldn't a dog or cat? It's life. Once in a while things go haywire. You gotta clean up stuff you never expected as a teenager. Life is life. I never kick a sick dog outside, I just say "Here honey, lay down" because I know my dear T-Bone probably isn't feeling so good. Do I bitch? You bet I do! But under my breath so he doesn't hear.

And Zack, I knew something was up because you simply posed questions and asked us to respond. Brilliant!!! I hope you feel better soon. I think you should lay off the booze and the Russians.

XO

Leni Qinan said...

Hi Z!

1st & foremost, I hope you get better soon. Lot of people sick here too (the TV said the flu comes from Australia this year, and it’s already here!!!).

What happened to you is one of the reasons why I don’t have dogs/cats, but just a fat turtle that I inherited from my oldest bro –it stinks like hell, and the tiny prawns that she eats stink too-. I may take her to the biggest pond in my city where she will have a hectic social life with gorgeous male turtle friends in a beautiful historical park.

I hope you won’t be offended, but just like Megan, I also think I’ll pass on the photos of the mess that happened at your place. And… cheer up, dude. Your blogging was not so terrible this week. I think we all had fun visiting and commenting. It’s been very busy and funny over here, so no worries.


Anon,
You better watch your step: I’m a very c-a-l-i-e-n-t-e dangerous hoo yah. Too c-a-l-i-e-n-t-e for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. ;)

PS.- Are you in New Jersey?


Kylie,
He (the guy above) will be eating out of my hand real soon, lol.


Suz,

Actually, I’m in Spain, but That Guy will confirm it was quite fast for him to come over here to enjoy a cool and exotic Halloween night. (*smiles and sighs*).

So it would be very fast for me to get to New Jersey whenever, if there's a chance to go on a binge. :)

Walker said...

Hmmmm smells like dog revenge to me for leaving them locked up with all that nice smelling food all day and none of it for them.

MJ said...

*tosses box of Midol at Voices*

INNER VOICES said...

thanks mj... *crushes midol and snorts them all at once* thats how they work right? *notices that his voice is now raised several octaves to give him that bitchy and whiney sound and eyes are now bloodshot and teary* sooo... this is how its done eh? poor me...

Mr. Shife said...

Well there is not much you can do when you are manstrating. Hope you at least got the pad with wings. And I do hope you are feeling better. Quite the funny story about the dogs. The fat basset has repainted our tile and carpet a few times with his turd cutter. Get better and have a good weekend.

Anonymous said...

leni,
eating out of your hand?????

not when you've just boasted about it

NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAYYYYYY JOSE

kylie
fantastic shoulders you got there but its the booty i really like :)

and you, the 34B and no knickers, get over here and keep me company.

ciao

Suzanne said...

Okay, honestly I thought Anon was Cheese or Kylie's dad. Both have tried to convince us they're anonymous in the past. And I know how deeply Zack loves Anon, so assumed it was Cheese. Wrong. Cheese would never go for a 34B or care that I have an aversion to "knickers." Okay, Cheese is out. Kylie's dad's out too because he's too sweet. That leaves you. I don't believe you're in a library in PA. You're in Italy, right? What's most alarming is you read my comments, otherwise you would never know about my lack of knickers! OUT YOURSELF THIS INSTANT MY DEAR MAN/WOMAN! I won't tolerate this!!! Mark, if you're f****** with me I'll come directly to Australia (as soon as airfare goes down) and kick your pretty little ass (oh, and visit Kylie for tea and scones too). Don't worry, I pack light (no undergarments to speak of), so I'll just need a little room.

What? Peter, is this you? Oh, you noticed Kylie's shoulder? I know...pretty. Honestly, I still can't figure out if that's her boob or shoulder. See that? I haven't seen her bootie yet, but assume it's as attractive as her "shoulder."

Hi Kylie!

Okay, that's it. I expect a full explanation before dawn (my time).

ciao yourself

Anonymous said...

the apple never falls far from the tree!

Anonymous said...

what size would cheese go for?

kylie said...

suze
you'll have to wait till you come here for tea and scones

then you'll see my booty

xx

Kookaburra said...

Suze,

Sorry, my dear. I am not the anonymous commenter on this post. I wouldn't tease you like that...
although I do have a pretty little arse :) Perhaps I can find work over at mj's?

BEAST said...

I hope your feeling better and stopped leaking from various orifii .
You dont make better garlic bread than me ......thats just a big old lie

oakland heidi said...

That is the worst. I am sorry you aren't feeling hot... I have been secretly hoping y'all were gonna be at the Pink Party tonight... or RI for cocktails at 8... would love to see the both of you, but sounds like your in sickville....

Leni Qinan said...

(*nearly falls off her chair laughing*)

You don't know what you're missing, Anon, ((or whomever you are)).

(I also suspect but I'm not as good as Suz or Kylie at doing a search job worthy of a top detective. I must admit I'm intrigued).

Btw, Suz's dawn is my midday. I'd love to read that explanation too!

Suzanne said...

Anon, are you Cheese? This is going to drive me f****** crazy. "Apple never falls far from the tree," so what? You're in CA. CHEESE IF THIS IS YOU I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

"What size would Cheese go for?" I'm not really sure about that, but living with IV and knowing how he likes lots and lots of big stuff, I can't imagine you going for 34B. No, honestly, I can't. Okay, so Anon, it's time to come out. Where the hell are you? Who the hell are you? Here honey, I have a nice apple pie, a quiche, dumplings, biscuts, a ham, ice cream. ;)

Damn Mark and Kylie. I knew that avenue was too easy. Leni, do the dirty work. Find him/her!!! I don't do detective work, but know you do. There's a reward. It's sorta modest...a cupcake! But a good cupcake.

XO

Anonymous said...

I don't believe for a second that you have all that food. HMMMMM.....ham. That is not your style.

It will take a bit of dtective work on your behalf to figure me out

Anonymous said...

Also I see you blasted Just Bob for not answering his comments.

Anonymous said...

HEY!!!
YOU NEW ANON,
YOU STOLE MY JOKE!!!!!!

just like i stole kooka's

what kind of cupcake?

Suzanne said...

I know, the ham was an obvious ploy. So, there are two of you? Mark, knock it off. Okay, one down.

Man do one of you get around. Bob deserved to be blasted because he wasn't paying attention. I have to keep him on his toes cuz I love him!!!

Okay, so I need a hint in order to solve this riddle. Make is sorta simple because I'm not very smart. I would like 5 hints, 1 at a time please. And don't cheat. They have to be legit. If I solve it I won't out you unless someone else figures it out before me and outs you (I used "out" three times in a single sentence...that's a record!). Got it? Okay.
On your mark.
Get set.
GO!!!

Suzanne said...

God, almost forgot. The cupcake is chocolate fudge with fudge frosting. If you're a woman I have you in the palm of my hand. Make life simple, what's your name?!!!

;)

Megan said...

Too bad IV isn't well enough to be sitting up and reading this shit. Or...IS HE???

Anonymous said...

you have all you need

Megan said...

Aw yeah! Smartest tool in the shed! Or...AM I???

Suzanne said...

Megan, you are the smartest tool in the shed, but move over honey, because I need the shovel to beat the shit out of that ASSHOLE. I'm going to kill him, you know that don't you?

Okay. Inhale, exhale. Relax. The answer is out there. Okay, that's #1, I'm waiting for #2.

Megan said...

Yeah, my toolness is declining by the second. Didn't even realize that was a clue.

Go for it, Suz. I'm ready to be your wingwoman if needed.

kylie said...

i think you need a wing man as well suze
xx

Anonymous said...

there are two??? Or is that like the ham ploy. Something to throw you off maybe.

Love the chocolate cupcake though. Very tempting very tempting.

Anonymous said...

Blottie allow me some time to ponder this to see what if any clues I could give. I have an idea but need to do.

Also it should be clear through some postings who I am am.

Suzanne said...

Anon, I asked for 5, so yes, there are 2. Get with the progam honey, I can't do this alone. You aren't going to beat me you know. I'll figure this out with a little help from my friends. Apparently I have a wing woman and a wing man attached, so this should be pretty easy after the next clue. Oh, and you like chocolate. IV thinks you're a guy. I don't. I never did. But IV loves you, I think you're Cheese. And no honey, I haven't read all the postings. Give me a break. Okay, so the second clue has to be really helpful. Give it some thought and make it really obvious because I don't want to go down in flames. Only three hints left after #2. Oh, and I'm running out of toilet paper.

XO

Suzanne said...

Hi Kylie!
Hi Megan!

If anyone knows who the hell Anon is, just tell me!!!

Suzanne said...

At this rate, if IV doesn't speak, he can make it to 100. No problem.

Suzanne said...

Zack,

You can't post again until I have the answer. Hi sweetie pie...why don't you just tell me who Anon is. You're such a cutie pie. You feelin' better honey. Here, let me give you a great big hug you lovable bear you. Look, Anon's here. Who is that my darling. I can't see.

XO

Anonymous said...

i see arise bright and early in the states

Anonymous said...

i have been to california myself. not for many years though. there are some kookoo people there

Leni Qinan said...

Sorry, but everybody knows that you're in the US. That doesn't count as a clue, lol.

kylie said...

which anon is in the US ?

Anonymous said...

anon one is guy fro kylies work... or blog, its peter... anon two is just bob... but who is anon three?

Anonymous said...

Tis a game tis a game
is there really three
or is it multiple voices
of only me

this is the last
the number five clue
put them together
and see what you can do

if you know who I am
then go to my blog
enter on in
and your answer you can log

Megan said...

I thought about it for a while, whether I really cared about the end of this thread, whether the goal was worth seeking, whether in days to come Zack would be able to look back upon this and laugh...

and then I saw that this was going to be comment 69, and I totally lost it...

INNER VOICES said...

and the fact that megan was here and relevant about it being something important to me makes it...






















I LOVE BLOGGERS!!!!!





OH, and blogging... at all hours, even after its reallly really really past my bedtime......

Suzanne said...

It's Cheese.

Suzanne said...

Thank you Megan for clue #69. XO

Anonymous said...

no it's not cheese

and why did you say z loves me?


do you know something i dont?

Suzanne said...

Who knows. Zack yanked me on a previous post Was really sort of nasty. This is all so much fun and he made it not fun. Oh well. He's cut me so much slack I have to cut him some. He's a great guy, just probably a bit drunk.

Or maybe I'm a complete ass. *Looks around for ass.* Wow, I'm a varsity volley ball player!!! Who knew???!!! I know my sister is absolutely dying reading this. HI HONEY!!! Look, I got a letter in Volley Ball!!! Move all your awards over you selfish b****.

Suzanne said...

My sisters and I never screw around about sports.