Tuesday, January 06, 2009

WHILE YOUR WAITING FOR VOICES TO RETURN

MY DAD SENT ME SOME JOKES... ENJOY, RIGHT NOW WE ARE IN ROSEBURG OR...



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' 

I said, 'Dust.' 

And then the fight started... 

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming  anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' 

I bought her a scale. 

And then the fight started... 

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started... 

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" 

Nah, she can order for herself." 

And then the fight started... 

------------ --------- --------- --- 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. 
I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' 

And then the fight started..... 

------------ --------- --------- ------ 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. 

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. 

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. 

And then the fight started.... 

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----- 

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday 

and then the fight started..... 

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " 

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. 

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" 

And that's when the fight started.... 

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------



My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" 

"No," she answered. 

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 

And that's when the fight started....


7 comments:

Megan said...

Eye strain!

Leah said...

Ba-dum-bum!

MJ said...

And here I was thinking I'd just be sitting here twiddling my thumbs 'til your return.

LYDIA said...

Phone a friend - that is my favorite!

FirstNations said...

OH GOD NO NOT ROSEBURG NOOOOOOOOOOOOO


did you see the leaping sheepies goatlies on the mountainlike mountainside? did traffic slow down for five miles in either direction so everyone else could gawk at the mountain goatsies on the mountain right next to the fucking freeway leaping about being goatly and mountainous?

yeah, i love roseburg.

I am going to visit my boy here on the 16th, fool. i will be there until monday. if you and I miss, well, you're welcome to swing on by and visit with the Biker, of course; the two of you ought to get along lak peas an' carrots and he's expecting you.

of course, you will BE HERE at some point prior to the 16th. because.....you just BETTER.

~ Tabitha ~ said...

happy new year!

catscratch said...

That was classic Gong Show comedy, dude! Especially is Chuck Barris would have been tellin em.