Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'M BACK!!!!


after careful consideration and many days of mulling about, I've decided not to amened, deleted, edit or change a single post.. my life has never been about "looking back to what could have been", "what might have happened if", or "if i just would have changed something..."  I've talked a lot of hard truth here on "the voices"... some of it might be hard to swallow, a lot of it will be hard to handle, even more of it is a virtual undressing of myself in front of a crowd of people from the abyss....


that said.....

first and foremost, I'm here for me, i know all of you are here with me, this blog wouldn't be the same without you.. admittedly this blog has changed since you all have been here... my oldest readers now lurk, my newest readers have commented and i have not properly responded and people from my most distant and unspoken past have talked to me on the phone and wondered why i went to "invite only"....

i have nothing to hide... i simply had to find out how much my work knew of my writings..

i just don't have anything that they want to read... you don't have to like me to be a part of my life....so,  i have not said anything that i wont stand behind...

i digress, i will say that its not going to be easy to uphold that... to stand here and back up my shit. to say to people that have found this blog and say "yes, that was you.... i do think you are a fucking bitch" or "yeah man, i really said i think you are a fucking douche bag and need to better yourself and find another job!"

life isn't easy, if you think it is, i think you are delusional, i think that if life is easy for you perhaps you should be viewing "you tubes" instead of reading my blog...


BREAK....



this weekend i had the a positive thing happen... (i've had several but....) i talked on the phone with people who i have not connected with in over half a life time. this struck me hard. i left them, i had not been back to my home town even once since i came to California. i have not felt this shitty about that in a long time... these were/are the people who made me the person i am today, ah fuck...

rob, my blogging buddy over at hunter and the hunted in my blog roll called me from a festivity not far from our home town... he was back visiting friends and family that i walked away from more than a life time ago...

the phone was passed around from voice to voice and after i cut the call short i secretly wept... 

i hadn't talked to my friends in years, i was scared to hear another voice. 

I've never looked back...

i left...

I'm such a shit for it...

i talked with friends whom i didn't recognise there voices at first but i remember them, their friendships, their trust, their faces, stories, everything...


I AM ASHAMED....


i could have been there, rob offered to fly me "home" and to be a part of it... i would vow to go "next time" but will it ever happen again??? will these good people ever get together again and will/would i be welcome?

I'm such an outsider... i didn't even know what i was missing until last night... until i had a phone call from rob... i was near tears with every different person who got on the phone... every story rehashed,  every moment forgotten, remembered...

i do remember hanging out with your sister and borrowing her car... i don't know how i could have forgotten about it... I'm such a shit, I'm sorry!!! i remember so may more stories as well! i remember your folks coming home with a house full of beers, the round bed in your room, my stereo falling out of you window... dude...

all the voices i got to hear that night, gretch, everette, rob, dave... i feel so guilty... i left, i got on a bus, i never looked back... i was leaving something painful, my family, the drugs, the thievery, everything that wasn't working... 

i was just a kid...

i still am...

i cant take it back, I'm sure if i would have stayed i would have self destructed... i would have continued being in trouble with the law... i would not have the relationship with my father that i have today... i would have killed somebody... probably me...



at sixteen years old, i grabbed life by the balls and took a shot at life. I've been running with it ever since... sometimes I've been selfish with my accomplishments, sometimes I've been blind with what I've have in front of me... but there hasn't been a moment since i got on that bus that i could blame anything on anyone else but me.... 

i am whom i am because who I've met, where I've been and what I've done... i don't have any regrets and don't wish my life on anyone the road less traveled is not always the recommended path through life.......


20 comments:

kylie said...

bravo zack

Queen Goob said...

Don't ever regret choices you made in order to survive because then we wouldn't have you. Every single one of those people you spoke to WANTED to talk to you. They're your friends. Friends are there for you no matter what and will be there for you again.

Like us - right guys?

We love you, Man, and missed you while you were gone. Now grab Cheese, give her a kiss, and get back to telling us outrageous stories.

Hugs,
Marn

hnter1018 said...

I think we all would have selfdestructed if we didn't leave. It forced us to grow up and become men. We do what we have to. Never look back always look forward. It was good to talk with you. It didn't seem right not calling and having you be part of it

hnter1018 said...

Forgot...Dave reads your blog now too

MJ said...

Yay! He's back!

*polkas around the room*

Brandy Rose said...

I panicked when I couldn't get to your page. I even emailed Leah and she calmed me down.

Megan said...

Wow. What a fantabulous post to come back with. Can't comment more now, got to get to work, but I'll be back. Love you, man!!!!

Gretchen said...

"Evie,Zackary,Robbie...."

I love you and have missed you since the day you left. I know you had alot of problems then but you always had the best heart, and that was easy for anyone to see. You remain one of my favorite friends of my lifetime.

I have searched for you off and on for what seems like forever, just to see how you were doing. I was so extra happy to be able to actually hear your voice. I am glad to see you are well, although I must admit the selfish part of me wants you home, even just for one day, for one more hug. It was really nice to finally know that you are safe after all these years. Don't be sad, you have been here the whole time.

~xoxo
gretch

(Rob just called me "Pepper"....how funny is that.)

Leni Qinan said...

BREAKING NEWS!!!

AFTER SEVERAL DAYS OF MYSTERIOUS SILENCE... THE VOICES CAN BE HEARD FROM SPAIN AGAIN!!!

Hey welcome back, Zack! I was very worried too!! I e-mailed Megan to ask her about you and she was so nice to tell me the story and calm me down!

Now let me tell you that it's so great to have you back in the blogsphere.

I love your comeback post. It's full of honesty and feelings. But listen to Hunter, Zack: Always look forward, never look back...

stonelifter said...

wow

Leah said...

You are the real deal, Zack. I just simply flat out respect you. I am so supportive of you at this moment that I want to rise from my seat and give you a standing ovation.

*holds up a lighter for Zack and cheers*

Gig said...

Zack,
I am so glad to see you back and what a great post. Don't ever stop being yourself....


Welcome Back!!!

joins Leah...*holds up lighter, and cheers*

INNER VOICES said...

kylie, thanks, just keeping it real...

goob! thanks as well... it was a tough one talking with old friends and feeling guilty about never looking back. i do wish i could have been there though...

hntr, man you the fucking bomb!!

mj, was missing you too!!!

brandy, yeah i was missing the blog and all you all!!

megan, thanks for the kudos!!!

gretchen, what a crazy trip to talk to you after all these years, i'll be keeping in touch a little more now that ive got a way to do that... i'll be checking out yer myspace and say hello from there as well, i never check mine anymore, id rather blog...

leni, wow thanks... im glad to have this back up and running and will try to keep things entertaining for years to come!!!

stone, thanks man...

leah, thanks , you are too too too nice!

gig! thank you too and cheers!!!

CSI Seattle said...

I'm just glad you are back.

"The Show Must Go On."

Mr. Shife said...

Well IV I am glad to see you back, and I enjoyed this post. This is your life and your blog and it is not for everyone but I think the reason you get us to come back is because we like who you are and what you say and what you have become. Don't ever change and be true to yourself. You are a good egg.

Cece said...

We all have made choices that we regret. But they were made, and we cannot go back and change them no matter what. The choices we made in the past are part of who we are today. The mold and shape us into us. I wouldn't change a single choice you made in the past if I could, because I like who you are today. At least what I know of you. Don't be ashamed. Just realized your error and attempt to amend it, but never be ashamed of a choice that made you you. Glad you're back.

secret agent bitchypants said...

wow...I feel you a good deal here. And not in a pervy way, either. What is, is, and what has been has passed, no use trying to go back and change or make excuses for it. Move ever forward and all that jazz.

Daisy said...

from my own experience i will tell you...you can never go back...you can revisit the past (and the phone is best for that) but going back puts you right back in that place, in that time and it doesn't turn out well...i told my mom 9 years ago that i was basically done with her, while i did it politely, there is no real nice way to say "you have fucked me up enough, goodbye"...so i just told her that our relationship was toxic for me and i could no longer be a party to it...i wished her everything she deserved in life and i moved on...her response was to tell lies to my other family member (i have a huge extensive family) and now when i say hi to other family, they turn and walk away from me...oddly enough that still hurts, but i no longer cry about...seems like progress to me...and no i wouldn't take it back, i am so different now...i am actually Lisa and while i don't like everything about me, i like that i am just me...

That Guy said...

Glad you're here now. 2 things I learned from my baseball coach in high school, a profound mentor in my life.

1. You get what you deserve in life.

2. It's never too late to change.

You're in luck. You can always call them/visit them. You're an adult now. You've changed, I'm sure, but remain the same ol' Z. Thank God.

Then you can come back home where you're loved as well.

No biggie.

INNER VOICES said...

csi! indeed, the show must go on... and oddly enough, ive been accused of "the zack show" before...

mr. shife! thank you for such honest words... and i do love eggs!!!

cece! i have no regrets, i do miss the opportunities that i may have ignored though. keeping in touch with friends is always important...and have tried to do that more in the last fifteen years... that time of my life i blocked out and a lot of friends got left behind...

miss bitchy pants... heh heh... there will be jazz in the future... if i ever went back to newburyport i wouldnt even know where to begin... "hello, i had a friend who lived here twenty years ago... are they home?"

daisy or is it lisa? hah hah... yeah, family can be a fucked up adventure in our lives... its a tough call and glad you have stuck by your guns and put your self in front of a bad situation and left that portion of your life behind you... thanks for commenting...

that guy! great words of wisdom man, and thanks...