I'M BACK!!!!

after careful consideration and many days of mulling about, I've decided not to amened, deleted, edit or change a single post.. my life has never been about "looking back to what could have been", "what might have happened if", or "if i just would have changed something..."  I've talked a lot of hard truth here on "the voices"... some of it might be hard to swallow, a lot of it will be hard to handle, even more of it is a virtual undressing of myself in front of a crowd of people from the abyss....

that said.....

first and foremost, I'm here for me, i know all of you are here with me, this blog wouldn't be the same without you.. admittedly this blog has changed since you all have been here... my oldest readers now lurk, my newest readers have commented and i have not properly responded and people from my most distant and unspoken past have talked to me on the phone and wondered why i went to "invite only"....

i have nothing to hide... i simply had to find out how much my work knew of my writings..

i just don't have anything that they want to read... you don't have to like me to be a part of my life....so,  i have not said anything that i wont stand behind...

i digress, i will say that its not going to be easy to uphold that... to stand here and back up my shit. to say to people that have found this blog and say "yes, that was you.... i do think you are a fucking bitch" or "yeah man, i really said i think you are a fucking douche bag and need to better yourself and find another job!"

life isn't easy, if you think it is, i think you are delusional, i think that if life is easy for you perhaps you should be viewing "you tubes" instead of reading my blog...

BREAK....

this weekend i had the a positive thing happen... (i've had several but....) i talked on the phone with people who i have not connected with in over half a life time. this struck me hard. i left them, i had not been back to my home town even once since i came to California. i have not felt this shitty about that in a long time... these were/are the people who made me the person i am today, ah fuck...

rob, my blogging buddy over at hunter and the hunted in my blog roll called me from a festivity not far from our home town... he was back visiting friends and family that i walked away from more than a life time ago...

the phone was passed around from voice to voice and after i cut the call short i secretly wept... 

i hadn't talked to my friends in years, i was scared to hear another voice. 

I've never looked back...

i left...

I'm such a shit for it...

i talked with friends whom i didn't recognise there voices at first but i remember them, their friendships, their trust, their faces, stories, everything...

I AM ASHAMED....

i could have been there, rob offered to fly me "home" and to be a part of it... i would vow to go "next time" but will it ever happen again??? will these good people ever get together again and will/would i be welcome?

I'm such an outsider... i didn't even know what i was missing until last night... until i had a phone call from rob... i was near tears with every different person who got on the phone... every story rehashed,  every moment forgotten, remembered...

i do remember hanging out with your sister and borrowing her car... i don't know how i could have forgotten about it... I'm such a shit, I'm sorry!!! i remember so may more stories as well! i remember your folks coming home with a house full of beers, the round bed in your room, my stereo falling out of you window... dude...

all the voices i got to hear that night, gretch, everette, rob, dave... i feel so guilty... i left, i got on a bus, i never looked back... i was leaving something painful, my family, the drugs, the thievery, everything that wasn't working... 

i was just a kid...

i still am...

i cant take it back, I'm sure if i would have stayed i would have self destructed... i would have continued being in trouble with the law... i would not have the relationship with my father that i have today... i would have killed somebody... probably me...

at sixteen years old, i grabbed life by the balls and took a shot at life. I've been running with it ever since... sometimes I've been selfish with my accomplishments, sometimes I've been blind with what I've have in front of me... but there hasn't been a moment since i got on that bus that i could blame anything on anyone else but me.... 

i am whom i am because who I've met, where I've been and what I've done... i don't have any regrets and don't wish my life on anyone the road less traveled is not always the recommended path through life.......