OH JOY, MORE CONFUSION...

ANOTHER DAY SPENT SWIRLING AROUND IN MY CONFOUNDED HEAD... DIDNT REALLY GET MUCH DONE AT WORK, AND FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT TOO... SORRY... I JUST CANT GET IT OUT TODAY, IM NOT FEELING QUITE RIGHT, I THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME... ILL JUST CONTINUE PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS ALLRIGHT...HAPPY DAY..

I DONT ALWAYS WALK AROUND FEELING THAT WAY ITS JUST TO LET THAT SHIT OUT... SOMETIMES IT GETS PRETTY ANGRY UP THERE.. HOW DO I EXPLAIN ALL THAT WITH OUT SOUNDING LIKE THIS CRAZY DEPRESSED PERSON... WELL I REALLY DONT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK... I ALSO DONT WANT PEOPLE TO WORRY ABOUT IT... IF I WOULDNT HAVE DEMONS I WOULDNT BE ME... THREE CHEERS FOR FEELING LIKE CRAP!!!

HOW TO COPE...

HOW TO COPE? OR HOW DO I COPE... THIS SUCKS... THESE DAYS UNTIL MY GLAMOROUS BIRTHDAY... YEAH BORN ON SEPT. 11...TWELVE OR SO DAYS AFTER MY MOMS SUICIDE... SOME TIMES I GET ANGRY THAT SHE DID IT... ILL NEVER KNOW HER PAIN.. THE INFORMATION I GOT WAS CENSORED AND LOOSE AT BEST... WHY DID MY GRANDFATHER DO THE THINGS HE DID... WHY DID NO BODY TELL ME WHAT SHE HAD DONE UNTIL MUCH LATER... FUCKERS I HATE YOU... WELL I HATE WHAT HAPPENED AFTER... THE THINGS BOB DID, HE WAS WASHING HER MEMORIES OUT OF HIS SYSTEM BEFORE SHE HIT THE TABLE... THE POLICE REPORTS SAID SHIT... I KNOW SHE TOOK A LETHAL DOSE OF HEROIN AND INSULIN? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT... MY UNCLE SAYS IT STOPS THE FLOW OF SUGAR TO THE BRAIN...WHAT???
AT HER FUNERAL I GOT UP TO SAY WHAT I HAD TO SAY AND ENDED UP THREATENING PEOPLE IN THE CROWD... I FIRST SAID THANK YOU TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAD HELPED HER ALONG THE WAY AND THAT SHE WILL BE DOING THE SAME FOR THEM, BUT FROM A DIFFERENT PLACE... THEN I DIDNT FINISH WHAT I HAD ORIGINALLY THOUGHT I WOULD SAY, INSTEAD I RIPPED IN TO AN ANGRY TORRENT TO THE PEOPLE WHO HURT HER... STOLE HER MONEY AND SOLD DRUGS AND GUNS FROM HER APARTMENT... I TOLD THEM (SOME OF THEM IN THE CROWD, IM SURE...) THAT I WAS GOING TO HUNT THEM DOWN AND FUCKING KILL THEIR FAMILIES... OH I WAS PISSED... THEN EVERYONE ELSE GOT TO SAY THEIR NICE THINGS ABOUT MY MOM... APPARENTLY SHE SOLD HER HOUSE AND BOUGHT CRACK!!! WHAT THE FUCK... WHO THE HELL DO YOU BUY A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS OF CRACK FROM??? WHY DID THE FUCKING POLICE DO NOTHING... WHY WAS THE NOTE SHE LEFT BLACKED OUT WHERE NAMES WHERE... WHY DID I GET A COPY, WAS THERE MORE TO THE ORIGINAL... WHY WAS THE NEXT OF KIN BOX EMPTY... WHY THE BOX FOR INSURANCE PAYMENT FILLED OUT WITH MY GRANDFATHERS NAME...
YEAH, WANNA KNOW WHY I HATE MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY... NOT BECAUSE ITS A NATIONAL DAY OF MORNING IN THIS COUNTRY, BUT BECAUSE IT WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY MOTHERS FUCKING LIFE... AND EVERY YEAR I GET TO REMEMBER NOT BEING THERE FOR HER... EVER... HALF THE PEOPLE AT THE FUNERAL DIDNT EVEN KNOW SHE HAD A CHILD.. THIS IS HOW SHE DEALT WITH HER GUILT OF ME... I GUESS... IF NOBODY KNOWS, THEN THERE IS NO PROBLEM... I KNEW SHE DID DRUGS... IVE DONE THEM WITH HER... I KNEW SHE DRANK, I DRANK TONS WITH HER... FUCK..
I NEVER LOOKED FOR ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE... I NEVER CONTACTED THE POLICE AGAIN AFTER THEY SAID THERE REALLY WAS NO CASE... IVE NEVER BEEN TO THE DOCTORS OFFICE TO CONFRONT THE FUCKING BASTARDS THERE FOR MAKING HER THINK SHE WAS CRAZY... I NEVER TALKED TO MY GRANDFATHER AFTER IT ALL HAPPENED... I NEVER DID ANY THING... I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE THE ISLAND OF NANIEMO, IF I WAS TO COME BACK AND BE FOUND THERE I WOULD BE DEPORTED... SO I DID... IM THE PIECE OF SHIT MY MOM WAS TOO EMBARRASSED TO TALK ABOUT... SORRY MUM, I KNOW I LET YOU DOWN... WHO AM I TO BE ANGRY, IM THE REASON YOUR DEAD...

WHERE THE VOICES COME FROM...

YEAH...SO MUCH SPENT ON WAITING FOR DIAL UP... BUT ORIGINAL THOUGHTS DONT HAPPEN WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE LUXURIES OF LIFE TO WORK IN YOUR FAVOR... I WAS FULLY READY TO UNLEASH THIS ANGRY TORRENT OF BULLSHIT OUT ONTO HERE... LUCKY YOU, SPARED BY DIAL UP... HAD SO MUCH TO SAY, THEN BY THE TIME THIS SCREEN POPPED UP, READY FOR ME TO EXPLODE I WAS LAUGHING AT FUCKING COMPUTER... THIS IS PATHETIC... ALL OF THIS SUCKS... IM LOSING MY MIND.. I CANT REMEMBER SHIT... FOR EXAMPLE... RIGHT NOW I SWEAR THE KEYBOARD IM USING IS DIFFERENT THEN THE ONE AT MY WORK... (NOT DRUNK, NOT TOO STONED...) BUT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE BUTTONS??? IM HAVING TO LOOK AT THEM TO HIT THE RIGHT ONES... NORMALLY I CAN DO IT BY MEMORY? FUCK I HAD A PROBLEM NOT TWO MINUTES AGO WHERE I COULDNT CONVERT MILITARY TIME OVER INTO A STANDARD TWELVE HOUR DAY... AND ITS BEEN HAPPENING MORE AND MORE... WHAT THE FUCK!!! ARRG... THATS WHAT THE HELL IS ADDING TO MY MOOD... YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... ALL THIS WORK CRAP MEANS NOTHING... LEFT THAT SHIT BEHIND... WAIT... DONT BITCH ABOUT IT THEN... I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET IT ALL OUT... RIGHT NOW IF I STOPPED BREATHING IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD THING... IM TIRED...YEAH MORE WHINING...

FUNNY THOUGHT.. IM ACCUALLY LAUGHING IN SIDE...IM DRINKING WINE.. APPARENTLY A PUN NOT INTENDED...

WHERE DO I PUT ALL THIS ENERGY... THIS ANGER AND HATRED TOWARDS MYSELF? WHY DO I FEEL I HAVE TO PUT IT SOMEWHERE.. CANT I LET IT GO? RELEASE IT... WHY DO I FEEL LIKE ITS MORE OF AN IMPLOSION... LOCK IT UP.. HIDE IT... THATS NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE... WHY DOES DEATH ALWAYS SEEM BETTER...NOT EASIER... IS IT SOMETHING YOU REALLY HAVE TO WORK FOR... IS THAT IT, IS THAT WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR WHOLE LIVES TO GET IT??? IS THAT WHY SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE DIE EARLY??? BECAUSE LIFE IS SO PAINFUL... YOU HAVE TO WORK TO GET TO THE END... IS THAT WHY EVIL PEOPLE LIVE LONGER LIVES...IS THIS HELL? AM I TRULEY EVIL AND DESERVE TO SUFFER FOR SO LONG...IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE WE DECIDE WHERE WE GO AFTER?? WHAT??? POOR YOU... DEAL WITH IT...

FUCK IT... WHERE WAS THAT GOING... AND THEN THERE IS ME... THE BY PRODUCT OF RATIONAL THOUGHTS...ME... WHO EVERY KNOWS... HI TO ALL... I THINK IM THE FORTH OR FIFTH VOICE LET OUT IN THIS POST... THIS IS RIDICULOUS... IM SO DARK, OOOHH...

I THINK I WRITE LIKE THIS, WITH ALL THE PERIODS SO THAT I UNDERSTAND ALL THE SHORT SPACES IN BETWEEN THINGS... THAT THERE ARE TIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF SENTENCES WHERE EVERYONE ELSE INSIDE MY HEAD SCREAMS SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE.. THATS SOMETHING... WHAT EVER...WHO GIVES A SHIT..

JUST GENERALLY BENT OUT OF SHAPE...

YEAH SO WHAT...OOH IM IN A CRANK MOOD... DOESNT HELP THAT THE HIRED SLACKER IS IN MY SHOP ALL DAY MILKING THE CLOCK AND NOBODY IS DOING ANYTHING... I WAS TOLD TO LEAVE WORK LAST WEEK CAUSE I GOT MOUTHY AND SAID "HOW MUCH TROUBLE WOULD I GET IN IF I PUNCH THAT FUCKER IN THE FACE ON THE CLOCK" YEP SO IM FEELING THIS WAY AGAIN... I WANT TO FIRE THE GUY BUT ONCE A WEEK THEY FIND A USE FOR HIM... HE SAYS IM NOT NICE TO HIM... BITCH.. GET TO WORK!!! ILL GIVE YOU SOME RESPECT WHEN YOU FUCKING DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN TALK TO YOUR INTERNET GIRLFRIEND ON THE PHONE...

YEAH SO CAN YOU TELL IM MOODY TODAY... YEP DRANK GOOD AND PLENTY LAST NIGHT... AND PLAN ON DRINKING SOME MORE TONIGHT... MY COUSIN CHRIS CALLED AND SAID HE WILL BE DRIVING THROUGH TOWN THIS EVENING WITH SOME BUDDIES... SOUNDS GOOD... I HAVENT SEEN HIM IN YEARS AND HE IS A REAL SUCCESSFUL DUDE... COOL... WHAT ELSE IS PISSING ME OFF TODAY.. YEAH LETS BE A LITTLE COMPLAINER.... SORRY...

WELL FUCK... JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND BE BENT OUT OF SHAPE UNTIL I GET SOME DRINKING DONE... MAYBE ILL GO GET A SCREWDRIVER WITH LUNCH... ONCE I STOP THINKING ABOUT WORK ILL BE BETTER...IM GONNA PUNCH THAT DUDE IN THE FACE...WELL SOMEDAY

HEY MUM...

ILL BE DRINKING THIS WEEK MORE THEN USUAL... MY MOMS SUICIDE HAPPENED FOUR YEARS AGO RIGHT AROUND NOW... SHE LAID IN A COMA FOR AWHILE SO IM NOT SUR WHEN SHE REALLY DIED...WAS IT WHEN SHE CHOSE TO DIE, DURING THE COMA, WHEN MY UNCLE PULLED THE PLUG? I DUNNO, NEVER HAVING GOT TO SEE HER IN THE COMA MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO DECIPHER.. WHEN I SAW HER BODY AFTER THE MACHINES SHE WASNT IN IT... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? YEAH SURE IT WAS MY MOMS BODY BUT I DIDNT GET THE FEELING THAT SHE WAS IN IT... IS THAT BETTER? WELL ITS A TOUGH WEEK ANYWAY, PUTTING ON THAT FACE EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE AND BE AROUND... YUP DRINKING ALOT... ITS EASIER TO HANG WITH MY FRIENDS INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOUSE NOW, BUT ILL TRY TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MY SELF, SINCE I DONT REALLY SHARE THESE THOUGHTS WITH ANYBODY...SURE, SURE YOU ALL GET TO READ IT AND SOME ACUALLY REMEMBER THE GENERAL TIME TOO...

IM GLAD MY MOMS SUFFERING IS OVER AND WISH I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT MORE FOR HER...( I WASNT THERE FOR HER AT THE END AND REALLY DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AS I WAS NOT GETTING ALONG WITH HER SIDE OF THE FAMILY FOR A WHILE...) THEY DIDNT THINK IT WAS MY BUSINESS TO KNOW... AND AFTER HER SUICIDE THEY HURRIED TO ERASE ALL TRACES OF HER... FUCKING ASSHOLES!!! I HATE THEM FOR THAT... SHE WAS A PERSON, A MOM, A SISTER, A DAUGHTER, AND ADDICT, A DRUNK, A GOOD FUCKING PERSON!!! SO WHAT... I FUCKED UP... I NEVER CALLED HER, I NEVER KNEW SHE GOT ON CRACK... SHE NEVER SAID... I WAS NEVER TOLD... I NEVER KNEW... MAYBE I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW... I WAS SO ANGRY THEN... AND NOW THEY ARE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT HER...TO SAY THE WORD SUICIDE... WELL HEY MY MOM FUCKING KILLED HERSELF AND NOBODY HELPED HER!!!!

WOAH... I NEED TO CALM DOWN... I AM JUST TRYING TO SAY I MISS YOU MOM, YOU WERE WONDERFUL!!! IM HERE BECAUSE OF YOU, WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE, I WOULD NOT BE THE PERSON WHO I AM... IM GLAD YOUR SUFFERING IS OVER AND WILL ULTIMATELY SEE YOU SOON!!!

IVE FOUND

I FOUND THIS WEBSITE THE OTHER DAY... REALLY WELL WEIRD... I FOUND MYSELF GETTING INVOLVED WITH OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS... ITS SORT OF A HELP LINE FOR ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE FEELING ALL KINDS OF THINGS... THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THERE...ITS NOT SUCH A CHAT ROOM AS MUCH AS A SUPPORT GROUP... ANY WAY HERE IT IS : http://www.enotalone.com/forum/index.php

YEAH I HAVE NOT BEEN POSTING ANYTHING GOOD IN A WHILE... HAD THE STEAM BLOWN OUT OF MY WHISTLE, BUT OTHER THAN THAT I HAVE BEEN FEELING ALL RIGHT... REALLY BUSY, SUPER BUSY... BUT I HAVE THE INTERNET AT HOME NOW...(IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT...) LOTS HAPPENING... AND REALLY WANTING TO QUIT SMOKING.. HOPING THIS INSURANCE THING HAPPENS FOR ME SOON... WOULD LIKE SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP WITH IT... IM STARTING TO FEEL GUILTY WHEN I SMOKE...LIKE ITS STARTING TO HIT HOME THAT IM SLOWLY KILLING MY SELF...AND AS MY BIRTHDAY APPROACHES IT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE...UNLESS IM DRUNK AND NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN A SMOKE... SWEET TOBACCO... YUCK... I WANT TO QUIT SO BAD...I DUNNO IF MY BIRTHDAY WAS A GOOD CUT OFF... ALOT OF IT WILL DEPEND ON THE INSURANCE... SEE EVEN TALKING ABOUT SMOKING GIVES ME THE URGE.. I UH... HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.... (YEAH RIGHT) PUFF PUFF PUFF

DAMN...DIAL-UP

I HAVE NOT FELT THE LAG TIME OF DIAL UP IN BLOODY AGES... SUX MY ASS... I HAD ALL THESE THINGS I WANTED TO GET OUT AND WACK... A FOUR MINUTE UPLOAD...JUST TO GET HERE... ITS RUNNING AT 49.2 KBPS... WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS...SOUNDS SUPER SLOW??? WELL YEAH...

I WAS JUST FEELING LUCKY THIS EVENING... WIERD YEAH I KNOW...ME FEELING LUCKY... BUT SURE AS SHIT THERE I SAT WITH THIS POOR ME ATTITUDE FADEING AWAY AND THIS HOLEY SHIT FEELING HAPPENING TO ME... I HAVE A LOT OF REALLY GOOD FRIENDS... GREAT ONES... I DONT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO GIVE THEM ALL THAT I COULD AND HAVE TIME FOR ME... POOR ME... TO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE... WHO AM I TO DESERVE ALL THESE GOOD PEOPLE... WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN??? WELL THATS ALL I CAN SAY... I DONT WANT THIS TO TURN INTO SOMETHING ITS NOT... JUST WANTED TO ANONOMOUSLY SAY THANK YOU AND I DO LOVE THEM ALL... WITHOUT YOU THERE WOULD NOT BE A ME... "I AM WHO I HAVE MET, WHERE I HAVE BEEN AND WHAT I HAVE DONE" (I SAID THAT LIKE TEN YEARS AGO...)

WHAT THE FUCK

IT SEEMS I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME HERE BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT THIS OR THAT... HOW DO I CUT THAT SHIT OUT??? HOW DO I NOT TALK ABOUT MY DAILY CRAP ON HERE... WELL I WRITE MOSTLY AT WORK SO THATS ABOUT WHAT GOES ON HERE...

WELL IVE BEEN TRYING TO DO THINGS A LITTLE DIFFERENT LATELY... I KNOW I KEEP SAYING THAT SHIT IN A NEGATIVE MANNER BUT THINGS ARE STARTING TO WORK OUT... JUST CHANGING MY ROUTINE A SMALL BIT AT A TIME... TRYING TO REDUCE MY STRESS LEVELS... DO FUN THINGS... PROBLEM IS IVE ALSO BEEN DRINKING ALOT LATELY AS WELL.. EVERYTHING INVOLVE DRINKING.. THE SOFTBALL GAMES, CAMPING, SHIT EVEN WENT FISHING THIS WEEKEND (OF COURSE WITH BEER... ) IM HOPING THAT WHEN I DECIDE TO STOP SMOKING THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE EVEN MORE... I WANT TO BE IN BETTER SHAPE... I LOOK AT LEVIS ARMS AND THINK "I USED TO HAVE THOSE ARMS..." MY LEGS USED TO BE POWER HORSES... NOT BRAGGING BUT THEY LOOKED GOOD ENOUGH THAT PEOPLE USED TO COMMENT... NO MORE.. IM FAT... PLAIN AND SIMPLE... ITS NOT THAT IM TERRIBLY LAZY... JUST HAVE A LOT OF EXTRA FAT... QUITTING SMOKING WILL HELP THAT TOO... ILL NEED SHIT TO FILL IN THE SPACES WHEN IM THINKING ABOUT SMOKING... MAY BE DO THOSE PUSH UPS I USED TO DO... ANYWAY...

I NEED TO START THINKING ABOUT SOME OTHER POSITIVE SHIT AS WELL.. NEED TO GET BACK UP TO CANADA AND HANG OUT WITH MY FAMILY THERE... WANT TO BE MORE OF A PART OF ALL THAT... BE MORE INVOLVED WITH MIKE AND HOW THINGS ARE WORKING OUT FOR HIM... MY MOMS ANNIVERSARY IS COMING UP AGAIN AND I WANT TO DISAPPEAR FOR WHILE BUT THATS JUST DESTRUCTIVE... I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY I WANT TO LEAVE BUT, WELL I KNOW WHAT IT IS...IM LYING... I WANT TO BE GONE FOR MY BIRTHDAY, CHRISTMAS ALL THAT SHIT... I HATE EXPECTATIONS... ANYWAY... YEAH POOR ME...FUCK YOU...

ILL GET IT SOON... YOU KNOW MY BODY IS A TEMPLE... WHY DO I FILL IT WITH SHIT INSTEAD OF GOOD THINGS??? I DUNNO... THATS JUST MY LIFE.. TO THE EXTREME... WITH EVERYTHING... IT JUST SEEMS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS ITS BEEN EXTREME PARTYING... TIME TO CHANGE THAT UP A LITTLE BIT.. I HAVE A LOT OF OTHER INTERESTS THAT NEED ATTENDING TO... ILL GET THERE... JUST HAVE TO GET OFF THE MAGIC BUS FIRST...

THOUGHT ID PUT THIS PICTURE ON THERE TODAY BECAUSE IT IS KIND OF HITTING HOME FOR ME RIGHT NOW... I NEED TO CUT THAT SHIT OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW, WHILE I HAVE THE CHANCE...

DEATH???

ITS ALL AROUND US NOW...THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY MOMS SUICIDE IS COMING UP... MY FRIENDS UNCLE JUST DIED.. TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS GRANDFATHERS DIED THIS WEEK... THE TWO BOYS WHO DIED LAST WEEK!!! I COULD GO ON FOR A FEW MORE...

SECRETLY I THINK THAT PEOPLE AROUND ME HAVE BAD SHIT HAPPEN TO THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR INVOLVEMENT IN MY LIFE... THAT MY EVIL IS LEECHING ON TO THEM...I TRY TO STAY POSITIVE, I TRY TO KEEP THE DEMONS AWAY, I TRY TO BE THERE FOR EVERY ONE... I TRY... I THINK ABOUT DEATH, MY FAMILY THINKS ABOUT DEATH AND DIEING... WHAT THE FUCK... WEIRD SHIT IS HAPPENING THIS LAST TWO MONTHS... I WISH I COULD PUT A FINGER ON IT.. BUT SOMETIMES I THINK THAT I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT... I HOPE THAT IS NOT TRUE... I DO LOVE MY FRIENDS VERY MUCH AND NEVER WANT ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO THEM...

SORRY TO ALL....

I DELETED A POST FROM MY COUSIN THAT CONTAINED INFORMATION I DID NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE... NOTHING PERSONAL TO ANY ONE BUT ME... IF SOMEONE IS INTERESTED I DONT MIND SHARING WITH THOSE I KNOW AND WRITE TO... SHE IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND DONT WANT TO BETRAY ANY TRUST WITH HER OR YOU ALL... PLEASE ACCEPT THAT AS FACT...
OTHER THAN THAT ITS BEEN A LONG HARD DAY, IVE BEEN WORKING LIKE A DOG...(WAIT ISNT THAT A SONG)... WELL I WILL BE BACK IN HERE SOON... BACK TO THE GRIND..(FUNNY IVE BEEN USING A GRINDER ALL MORNING...)ALL IS WELL IN BRAINLAND THIS AFTERNOON???

WELL SHIT...

IM NOT QUITE SURE WHERE IM AT THESE DAYS...IVE BEEN GOING NON STOP FOR WEEKS IT SEEMS... I JUST GOT TO SLEEP IN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS (WELL THATS HOW IT FEELS) AND I JUST DONT GET TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AT HOME AS I WANT TO... SO MANY THINGS TO DO THERE... BITCH BITCH BITCH... I KNOW IT... BLAZE WANTS ME TO WORK MORE, I THINK... IM READY TO GIVE THEM MORE TIME... I NEED THE MONEY... IM ALL DISTRACTED RIGHT NOW... I CANT KEEP MY MIND ON ANY ONE THING... I THINK IVE CAUGHT SOME OF ERICS A.D.D.

WELL SHIT... SOME MANY THOUGHTS SWIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD AND I CANT GRAB AT ANY OF THEM... I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NOT BEEN WRITING AS HONESTLY AS I COULD BE... FEAR OF PEOPLE READING WHAT I WRITE PERHAPS... OR SOMEONE IN PARTICULAR... WELL IF THATS TRUE I SHOULDNT EVEN BOTHER WRITING ON HERE AT ALL... BUT I DO WRITE AS HONESTLY AS I CAN.. I JUST DONT WRITE ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS I GUESS... I DONT WRITE NON-TRUTHS OR LIE, I GUESS I JUST DONT PUT EVERY THING IN THAT I COULD... LAME I KNOW... HARD TO BELIEVE WHEN I GO BACK AND READ WHAT IVE PUT DOWN THAT THERE COULD POSSIBLY BE ANY MORE, BUT THERE IS... WELL IVE GOT TO GET SOME WORK DONE... TRACTOR BREAK DOWN DAY!!! HAVE A NICE MONDAY...

THIS GUY HAS IT RIGHT...

THIS GUY HAS IT RIGHT ON THE MONEY... HIS BOTTOM PARAGRAPH SAYS IT ALL... I WONDER WHERE HE GOT IT... OR IF IT IS A TRUELY ORIGINAL THOUGHT... IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR BUT, IT DOES SEEM TO BE A GOOD ONE... http://absurdly-insane.blogspot.com/2006/07/snap-goes-mind.html

ITS DIFFERENT

SINCE IVE MOVED THINGS ARE SLOWLY CHANGING... I DONT GET TO DO ALL THE THINGS I USED TO...GO OUT AS MUCH OR AS LATE BLAH BLAH BLAH....BUT I GET TO GO HOME TO A NICE PLACE AND EAT GOOD FOOD...ETC. WELL THATS ALL GOOD BUT ITS HARD WHEN FRIENDS ARE WANTING ME TO STAY OUT LATER... OR WHEN THEY ARE TEASING ME... WHAT EVER, I NEED TO GET OVER IT...

RACH SLIPPED BACK INTO HER OLD MODE... THAT WAS KIND OF A BUMMER.. NO MATTER WHAT I DO ITS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH... I DONT GET IT... I TOOK A SMALL BREAK AND THINGS SEEMED TO BE DOING A LOT BETTER... WE WERE GETTING ALONG, VALUING EACH OTHERS SPACE, AND HAVING SOME GREAT BED TIME MOMENTS... WHAT THE FUCK... IM A BUSY PERSON AND DONT LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE (ANYONE) TRIES TO DICTATE MY LIFE... SORRY... IM A GOOD GOD DAMNED BOYFRIEND... JUST ASK ANY OF MY EX G-FRIENDS... FUCK!

ANY WAY I SHOULD CALL THIS WHAT DOES THE BITCHING MEAN? NO PROFUNDITY IN THIS POSTING IN A WHILE... I NEED TO GET THE INTERNET AT MY HOUSE SO I CAN UNLEASH SOME GOOD SHIT ON HERE... IM STILL SHOOK UP ABOUT MY CO-WORKER...WHAT CAN I DO... WELL EVERY DAY I GIVE THINGS ANOTHER CHANCE AND EVERYDAY I WAKE UP AND GET OUT OF BED...ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER... WELL CAMPING TONIGHT AND DRINKING...SHOULD BE GOOD... BIRTHDAY PARTIES ARE ALWAYS FUN... MAYBE ILL GET LUCKY???

BAD BLOGGER...

I HAVE BEEN SO BLOODY BUSY... NO EXCUSE... IVE BEEN SICK.. EVEN LESS OF AND EXCUSE.. WELL I JUST FINALLY LOADED AND MOVED THE LAST OF MY THINGS FROM MY BLUE HOUSE... YEAH!!! GOOD BYE RANCHO FREAKO!!!! ENJOY THE TWEAKED OUT LAND OWNERS, WHO EVER THEIR NEXT VICTIM MAY BE... I WONDER IF THEY WILL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEIR REMODEL PLANS... OR IF, LIKE ME, THEY JUST MOVE SOME ONE IN... IF THATS THE CASE I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR THE WAY I LEFT THE HOUSE..(ALTHOUGH ITS NOT AS BAD AS THE WAY I MOVED IN!!!) OKAY, SORRY NO BITCHING... AND I HAVE BEEN SICK AS HELL FOR LIKE FOUR DAYS.. NOSE, THROAT, LUNGS FULL OF PAINFUL GOO... JUST ANOTHER REASON TO QUIT SMOKING... I REALLY DO WANT TO QUIT... I WOULD SOME HELP... ITS JUST SO DAMN EXPENSIVE TO BUY THE SMOKING AIDS... NO EXCUSE... JUST QUIT... ITS SO HARD TO MISS THAT FIRST SMOKE... PAINFUL, MY MIND WHEN I DONT HAVE IT... BUT NOW BEING SICK THE ONLY TIME MY LUNGS DONT WANT TO SQUEEZE OUT SOME MUCK IS WHEN IM SMOKING... THERES A SIGN... HELLO PROBLEM...ANYWAY..

THERE IS A MEMORIAL FOR THOSE BOYS ON SUNDAY... I REALLY WANT TO GO...CARMEL BEACH, BAR-B-Q AND THEN THEY ARE HAVING ANOTHER PADDLE OUT AND PRAYER... I HAD TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE... I WAS GETTING CONSUMED... I COULDNT STOP THINKING ABOUT THEIR LAST MOMENTS... SO MANY STORIES WERE ZOOMING AROUND AND I KEPT SEEING THAT IMAGE OF ALEXS FATHER HEAVING AT THE ROPE AND PULLING UP HIS SON... JUST KILLED ME FOR A FEW DAYS... NOW THE MEDIA IS CRYING FOR CIVIL JUSTICE... FUCKERS...

I HAVENT GOT TO SEE AS MUCH OF MY FRIENDS THESE DAYS AS I WANT TO... EITHER I HAVE TO LEAVE BECAUSE I LIVE SO FAR AWAY NOW.. OR IM AT HOME AND DONT GET TO SEE THEM... THINGS WILL WORK OUT SOON... THERE JUST HAS TO BE A NEW ROUTINE... ANYWAY, SOLD THE BOAT BOAT AND THE HOT TUB... DID LIKE FIVE TRIPS TO THE FREE BOX... FIFTY TRIPS TO THE DUMPSTER AND NOW I HAVE TO SORT IT ALL OUT.. WHATEVER... I JUST WANT TO HAVE THAT FEELING LIKE ITS HOME ALREADY... NOT MUCH OF ANY SUBSTANCE IN THIS POSTING... NOT HEARING THE VOICES TODAY...ITS NICE... MAYBE ILL RUN AROUND IN MY UNDEROOS TONIGHT...HAHAHAHAHA....