sometimes....

sometimes my brain and my mouth don't connect properly. idiot. this morning was no exception. why i don't know. I'm feeling like an ass, and if you would please forgive me that would be great. id say punch me in the mouth but that would be like killing the delivery man. so i guess you should punch me in the head... via the mouth. ill open it big and wide so you can hit me all the way in the back...(oh yeah my mouth is that big!)

this whole love debacle is getting to me and i just need to be happy! i am so fucking happy that it seems i need to fuck it up. so for the fourth time today, i love you. nothing short of M.D.K. will get in the way of that.

i could sing you a song... you know how good i can sing!!!

won't you be mine....

QUESTION

a question was posted on sugars blog that hit me sideways... something I've been pondering myself for a while... "Its always best to marry someone who loves you more than you love them?...."

why i don't know. i didn't have an answer and sure as hell don't know too much about marriage. but love, i thought i knew about.

does anybody have any ideas, what might your thoughts be on it?

how much of a difference might there be, between being in love and loving someone?

does the love need to be equal and shared or can ones feelings carry the others?

can there be too much?

sorry, I'm just a little fucked up on it right now and tried to spit it out... its not coming out right so ill stop.

anyway, i said id continue on about this weekend. and why I'm looking forward to it....

I'm starting a new project that will hopefully be beneficial to me soon. that's all i can say! hahahahahaha... thought id actually tell you huh? well maybe, but not now.... enjoy the day?

oh, and sorry about not properly capitalizing things any more... spell check doesn't do it for me and I'm too lazy to go back and do it myself, so until i learn how to type with caps, this is what you get!

sweet dreams....

Since i seem to be on an animal picture kick lately, i thought id post this one...

anyway, how nice is this?!?!?! after work we popped into my favorite drinking hole for a beer or two... had a couple of beers and chatted with people we hadn't seen in a while. it was the bartenders birthday this past weekend and we all had a round of whiskey to make up for our no show.

we drove home and had another shot of Yeager and well got into bed. ahem.

woke up this morning groggy. we had just slept for twelve hours! its sort of like sleeping in i guess. when you go to bed early, but we were still up at seven o'clock.

funny thing i was just bitching yesterday about never getting to sleep in....

in other news... I'm looking forward to this weekend!!! why?

to be cont....

TIRED, COLD AND SICK OF THE RAIN I NORMALLY ENJOY. i dont want to bitch, so i wont. but i did wake up late this morning and the propane regulator was frozen, there was an inch of hail on the ground and some of us needed to shower. there was not enough gas to heat some water for coffee. now come to think of it did i shut the stove burner off? shit.... now im not going to be able to stop thinking about that... i need a little more time off with her, sleep in for a change, less stress... i cant focus, ill be back.

HIKING!!!

we finally got to go on the hike i have been itching to go on! holy shit! awesome... where do i start... we drive down to the point(which is just below my property.) and head down to the creek. (it would be considered a river by some in this state.) its a beautiful day where we are and no bugs! everywhere else on the coast is socked in fog, but we are so high up in the mountains that its above all that, anyway... we are on a mission.
the trail down to the creek is nice until the bottom where the dirt isn't as stable. but it only takes a few short minutes to get there. there are trees down everywhere! looks like the wind has been ripping through there for years, but today barely a wisp. we clamber over rocks big and small to head down stream... there are waterfalls thirty feet tall that plunge into swimming holes large enough for ten people to splash around in and moss covered boulders as big as trucks everywhere.. its nice to feel the spray form the water pounding against the bottom of these falls...
we adventure down further and big sur princess looks across the creek and says, "hey look over there! doest that look man made?"
"naw, looks like a bunch of dead fall.."
"no , look there... see, lets go over there."
"ya, I'm in, lets do it."
so we cross the creek for the millionth time and pop up into this old growth red wood stump that has been converted into a storage area and "drying room". its huge, when i say stump that doesn't really do it for ya. it over fifteen feet across inside, its well over head high with "chambers" in it. a small cache of old tools and tarps in one corner.. we hike up and out of that onto two flattened campsites and a well used fire pit in between. some asshole even decided to carve their initials into the tree and the year that they lived there...
"05' N.O.and P.P."
there wasn't much trash immediately but i knew right away what this was... (anybody seen the movie Homegrown? no? rent it and you will get the feeling of where we where this weekend...)
"lets hike around and go up here."
"look here is some black pipe... lets follow it."
now, rooting around in an abandoned "site" really isn't the smartest thing to do but it looked like no one had been back in a while.... we found what we were looking for right away, hundreds of feet of pipe, old buckets, fertilizers MPs, everything.. timers, garbage, propane tanks, you name it, it was up there...
mind you, we are seven miles from the nearest public road and several miles up a road with locked gates... this was a huge operation... covering an entire hillside. id bet thousands plants or so...
ooppss...
we separate and start a small version of Marco polo, whistling and calling for each other through the dense brush... once we meet up in this small network of tunnels through the manzanita brush, we hear some semi-automatic gun fire... sounds close but gunshots travel far... and then again we hear it... and again..
now normally i don't sweat it.. my neighbor has a bunker and shoots guns all the time.. but now I'm a little nervous...
"lets go!"
"do you think that's for us?"
"i dunno, but we are out of here..."
we casually charge down a draw and keep finding more and more debris. make our way to the creek and towards home.. we stop and marvel at how beautiful the whole scene is and drink a couple of beers.. a red bull, and i watch as this incredible big sur girl throws off her clothes and jumps into the creek. "holy shit that's cold!" she says as she levitates out of the water.

"wow, that's amazing, i have never been the guy to jump into the near freezing water like that."

"no?"

"no, usually its the guys i hung out with who were into it."

"hahahaha, they just wanted to see each other naked...."

we laugh and head back up the water falls. stop and look at some very recent foot prints in the sand in the middle of the creek.

"did you walk in the creek?"

"no, that's strange."

someone had shorty before us walked in the middle of the creek, we assumed they were trying to hide their footprints. that was kind of eerie, when you think you are completely alone in the forest and all of a sudden you realize that there might be someone else with you there, its an odd feeling.

other than that hike we had a great weekend, we made some garden beds and more flower boxes. i found a small snake that the girls just let slither all over their hands, we had a small bar-b-que and had a buddie over who brought his infant child. um... yeah it was mellow and nice. hope everyone else had a great weekend!

another day and another dollar.

work work work. does it ring a bell with anyone else. no time to do hardley anything other than that. go home, get fire wood, light fire, prep food, cook food, do laundry, eat food, clean kitchen. do dishes, fold laundry, stoke fire, take shower, make bed, get into bed, ahem, goto sleep. wake up, make coffee, grab left overs for lunch, start car, goto work, work, work, work...

i cant wait for saturday... i'll get to catch up on all the stuff i didnt have any time to do this week. and its really not all that bad, i get to have a lot of fun too... so this really isnt a boo-hoo poor me post. i swear, i was just haveing a litlle tantrum... have a great day all!!

found this picture the other day somewhere on the ether... funny shit. if properly trained, thats not his dads car...

Mismanagement, picture below

tension is high here at work. i feel it. I'm sick of it. it is so thick i bring it home on my clothes and it affects me after work. it stinks.

these "secret management team" meetings can also suck my shlong. problem with my dogs barking in my truck? (which is parked several hundred feet away from your office.) than stop throwing the fucking ball for your dog by my truck! you wont let me have my dogs here and i don't care, first i wouldn't let my dogs run a round everywhere like you do. and next there is acres of forest here, throw your fucking ball somewhere else!

again if you have a problem with me talk to me.

why not talk to the driver who tailgated the cops wife all the way down the coast last week (twenty six miles) with the Jake brakes blasting away and then passed her on a double yellow with twenty eight thousand pounds untarped! yeah she called here, i took the call!

or talked to the job foreman who doesnt listen to you when you tell him how to do things and goes over your job bids by thousands, losing us money everyday. sure its good work, but its not what you bid on and we have to pay overtime to guys we cant charge for!

how about talk to the guy who breaks something on every truck every day he gets behind the wheel!!! I'm sick of "telling on him" when i have to replace parts or straighten bumpers! help this man learn to drive!

perhaps you could talk with your newly promoted laborer who now thinks that he is the job site boss. when you are not there he doesn't do anything, he "bosses" people around and sits in the shade! listen to your employees who are now miserable. your job site is grinding to a halt as more laborers are refusing to work for him.

stop buying shit we don't need!!! stop doing favors for people who will never ever pay us back!!! this is not what made this company great. thanks for the beer at the pub every other Friday. no one goes there but you. the place smells like shit, the food makes you shit and beer is warm as shit. ask your employees what they might like as a pat on the back for a job well done.

we used to have bar-b-ques. beer and sodas every Friday! lake trips, fishing trips, ski trips... WTF? this is a family oriented business. why the fuck do we need an outsourced consultant for. who lives in san jose for fucks sake!?!?! get back to our roots!

and while I'm bitching like a little boy who doesn't like his new Velcro sneakers, when i ask you to talk to a fellow employee i expect you to do it. I'm sick of his attitude and I'm going to tell him in an unhealthy way soon. not good for you and not good for him. you are managers, do your fucking jobs.

start employee reviews, have a weekly evaluation of job performance. problem employee? fire his ass like you did me years ago. do something other than make people feel like crap everyday.

do something besides having your secret meetings and spend some of that money where it counts.

planning a sober weekend

YEAH... wanna go on a hike. wanna get some shit done. have been slipping on the quitting smoking. things seem to go well with that and then i just start smoking again. this time it seems to have helped. im down to about half a pack. its hard to tell though. when i am at work. i share smokes with everyone. and when im at home i share them as well.. so my plan is this weekend to give the body a break and heal it some and perhaps do some more positive things to it... oh and lots of sex too!!! hahahahaha...

anyway. yeah wanna go and do some hiking around... watch the sunset from somewhere new this weekend.

im not really in the mood for writing right now. ill be back. im going to go out side and smoke.

DAMN

time change... now when we get up its dark... okay so when i get home i have a chance to walk to to the end of the road and watch the sun set. so what. longer days means i feel more guilt about not getting more things done. yesterday we did yard work. all four of us outside raking and moving leaves. hauling lumber around the yard to make a planter box. sounds nice. now that i think of it, it was. jumping into piles of leaves and grabbing big armloads and throwing them into the air. all of us outside hanging out until dark. it was fun. but it was work...
i want the girls to move in. so we have more of this time. so the girls feel more at home. so we all can get more time together and possibly save a little more money. landlord has not been returning my calls. now i need him to. so we are sprucing up the yard and making things look really nice so i can pitch the idea to him. the house is for sale and i hope he doesn't think having some kids there will make things look worse. i hope he will think that it will make things look more homey. more buyable for a family. like people actually live there. seven miles from the highway, twenty eight hundred feet above sea level, two miles up a dirt road that turns to snot when it gets wet. snow on the ground in winter and hot as the back door to hell in the summer. bugs and poison oak, mountain lions and neighbors who carry guns to walk their water lines, wind that would rip your skin off at night and rain that goes sideways instead of falling. all this and more for just one point two million dollars. yep. yet again i live in a million dollar house. and i don't want to leave.
i don't want it to sell, i want to fix it up and live there for a long time. with no one coming by to look at it, with no landlord coming up to "check" on things... but i like him and i want it to sell, he has two babies and a wife,who by the looks of the catalogs i get at his old mail box, likes to spend money on fine things. i want to help out his young family....
i want to create something stable for my own as well.....
with her taking classes so she can apply to nursing school(A student by the way, she is always in the top four in her class.) and me working only full time we still don't have all the money we want, do you ever. i don't want to be rich... well, i have started playing the lotto, but if we work more, we will have less together and isn't that whats more important? isn't that why people work their asses off so that later in life they can spend more time with one another? i feel like i want to do it now... and have the money! hmmm....
time...money...life...
what also doesn't help things at all is that I'm terrible with money. spend, spend, spend... I'm not an addict or anything, but i like nice things... i like to go to nice restaurants and upscale bars and shit... have a good time... somehow at the end of each pay period I'm fucking broke... i hate living hand to mouth. but when i do have savings i spend it! ass...
well the original thought of this post was to bitch about how tired i am and how i cant seem to get my body to adjust to the time change, but i guess i had something else on my mind... hope all is well with everyone...
did anyone notice i updated my template? i hope its okay that i linked some of blogs i liked on here... lemme know if that's not all right.

ANOTHER DAY....

more death.

i meant to go and see her. so often these past few weeks. I'm sorry. wtf. i guess i will remember you better this way. having seen you at the river inn and shared some drinks. had some laughs. seen you with your hair intact and your smile. you just got back from a doctors visit or something. this is so fucked. why do i always find out about peoples deaths when I'm at work. my grandfather, my mother, fuck. I'm sorry i didn't come by. i didn't see helmuth either. why? whats my problem. i know what death looks like all too well and perhaps I'm afraid that when i see the truly dieing that it will be death i see and not whats left of the person inside. I'm sorry. i hope you are in what ever happy place that you have been envisioning for yourself these past few months. i hope its there for you.... i was not.

SATUDAY WAS AN ADULT DAY!

came down from my house and dropped the girls off. met up at river inn, where we had a few drinks with some friends...
"what do you want to do now?"
"i dunno, lets have an adult day, just relax and have some drinks. perhaps get a bite to eat."
"that sounds wonderful! but you don't have any shoes!"
"i don't think it will matter, people will be looking at you and not my feet!"
i had forgotten my shoes this morning and would be sneaking into upscale bars all after noon without them...oopps.
so we cruise up to nepenthe where a great friend of ours works. we have lots of good friends up there as well, but we were hoping to see one in particular. sat at the bar when another customer bought us some drinks. why? i dunno, he wanted to read the tattoo on my forearm and i told him it was for my mom when she committed suicide. i guess he wanted to buy us drinks after that, whatever. after the three or four beers we had at river inn, we decided to turn it up a notch.
"i think we will have kamikazes! yeah, that's what we want. and a couple of beer backs, thanks."
our bartender broke away from his dreamy eyed stare and made some great drinks. we get to hang out with our friends as well as Burt(the guy who bought our first round.) for a while. we had a couple more kamikazes and talked about where and what we wanted to do next.
"well i don't feel like going home yet. what do you feel like?"
"lets go up to ventana, for a couple drinks and a bite to eat!"
"that sounds great!"
we drive up to ventana, where another one of our good friends is working the bar! what luck! he fixes us up with a couple of "cosmopommians"(its like a Cosmo, but with pomm juice instead.) we order some oysters on the half shell.
out comes a round of soup and some warm bread.(they really take care of us there. and remember I'm not wearing any shoes, sitting in a bar where drinks start at around fifteen bucks!)
eat all our food, and he fixes us up a couple of champagne, vodka, juice martini doubles. i don't know what they were called. but they didn't last long. thanked everyone and received some of someones home baked grammas cookies on our way out. the hostess is this young gal who is very sweet. I've known her since she was like eleven or something. they came from her. anyway....
we leave, our initial plan was to hit up all the fancy bars and see how many i could get into with no shoes, but with the sun heating us up and the oysters working their magic we opted to get a twelve pack and head north. on our way home we dropped down into south forty. (i would post a link with a picture but blogger is sucking my ass right now!)we head down to my old house... (okay fine. picture the view of the coast looking south about twenty miles, you see a light house out on a small mountain of earth barely connected to the land by an even smaller stretch of sand about two miles long... beautiful day. and all of this, we view from about 900 feet straight up a cliff, sitting in uber comfortable outdoor chairs.)its my old house. now partly demolished...
after a few more beers we jump back into the car and head home. at some point we disrobed and drove home naked! how fun is that.... ha ha ha... got up to my house grabbed blanket and went down to the point.
at the end of my property is a vista that looks out to the ocean down fifteen miles of canyon with not a house in sight! we sunbathed and listened to blue grass until sunset. finishing off the twelver. so now her car wont start. ha ha ha... we walk the short walk up to my house and make a few shots of red bull, hand squeezed lemons and vodka. so good. and head down to get the car after dark. (theory was the battery would regain some of its life after being left alone for awhile.)
we jump on my dirt bike which has a flat tire, retrieve the car and decide to go on a drunken in the dark motorcycle ride. its pitch black, shes on the back, holding a dim flashlight for us to see and we go bombing down the mountain, encounter a neighbor on the way down who says.
"you kids are crazy!!!"
hahahahaha... we make it back unscathed and head to bed. we are in bed and asleep by ten p.m. what a great day!

GGGRRRRRRR........

when i was seventeen, i illegally worked graveyard at seven eleven.(you need to be eighteen to sell beer in Cali.)myself and another worker from another sister store won some tickets off the radio to see lynard skynard.(wowee, the show suck ass, they were so fucked up they were singing into the whiskey bottle most of the show. at one point the drummer got up, left stage and came back with something for the other band members to "sniff" or "smell" from his hand.hmmm...)

anyway, on our way to the show we get pulled over for speeding, we were driving a Nissan, 280 z. so there really wasn't anywhere to stash the beer we had been drinking on the way, so here comes the cop, we have beer in our laps and he says. "sooo.. you boys been drinking i see"

"yes sir." we say

"how much?" he asked as he checks our i.d.s

"well we had one on the way to here and we just opened these..." was our general response.

he pours out our beers and puts the rest of the twelve pack on the roof. goes back to his car to do what ever it is they do in there and comes back with our tickets. hands us our tickets and walks back to his car. a moment later he drives off. WTF???

we are sitting there with the rest of the twelve pack on the roof, me with a minor in possession of alcohol in a motor vehicle ticket and him with the same... we were stunned.

"what the fuck are we supposed to do now dude?" i said.

"i dunno, lets get the fuck out of here..."was something i might remember him saying.

i never thought about that shit again. i was a minor right? a punk, why the fuck would i pay for that shit? anyway... i get this letter in the mail from the franchise tax board of debt collection this week. they are garnishing my wages for the next four paychecks. i hit the roof right!?!?!

again,WTF? i call the numbers, after hours on hold and being transferred to several different departments, they say I'm still responsible for the fines AND fees, and finance charges!!! i was sevenfuckingteen! its what, like sixteen years later! about half a life time ago... are you f-ing kidding me!

that's just the beginning of it. Toyota calls me this morning, says i owe them $3.16 on my loan. no i reply get bent. i hang up. i made my final payment a month or so ago. i get online, check my bank and my Toyota account...

those crooks charged my bank account almost seven hundred dollars this month!! I'm livid! i call them and two hours later their regional manager sees that there was a computer error and i actually made my last payment, last month and she doesn't know why that happened. this was after they sent me to their collections department, who tried to tell me that i owed them for even one more payment!!!!!!!! i was screaming into the phone..."you motherfuckers are full of shit and I'm looking at my last statement right here and it says paid in full!!! where the hell is my pink slip!!!"

so i get transferred to the gal from Texas who has a degree in not getting off the phone with angry customers. after she tries to defend the charges for half an hour she "sees a problem with their accounting" notifies me that they indeed screwed up and will be sending me a check, minus the fees for issuing a check and service charge.

"WTF? you steal my money and now you are going to charge me for giving it back?"

"well sir, I'll tell you what I'll do for you... i waive the $3.16 still due on your account."

"you fucking bitch, give me back all of my money!"

i had to hang up, i knew she wouldn't, i knew it was only going to get worse. i would have lowered myself to some other form of slander and that's really not me...

if i was a rich guy, none of these little mistakes they made would bother me. but since i am not, it really does. and since i never carry cash and put everything on my debit/credit card i have eleven charges with over draft fees. at thirty five dollars apiece.

i want to burn my truck, send them a picture of me in front of it with my pants down giving them the bird from between my legs looking back at the camera! Toyota can now officially kiss my ass!!!