more death.

i meant to go and see her. so often these past few weeks. I'm sorry. wtf. i guess i will remember you better this way. having seen you at the river inn and shared some drinks. had some laughs. seen you with your hair intact and your smile. you just got back from a doctors visit or something. this is so fucked. why do i always find out about peoples deaths when I'm at work. my grandfather, my mother, fuck. I'm sorry i didn't come by. i didn't see helmuth either. why? whats my problem. i know what death looks like all too well and perhaps I'm afraid that when i see the truly dieing that it will be death i see and not whats left of the person inside. I'm sorry. i hope you are in what ever happy place that you have been envisioning for yourself these past few months. i hope its there for you.... i was not.