Saturday, October 27, 2007

FEAR FOR ME

here is something that just rocked my evening. i'll try and set it up quickly, since its a sleep over night and we are trying to put the girls down shortly. and i'll try and brain wave the rest of the story to you all using e.s.p. so we voluteered at a local comunity event today, after party at one of the event coordinaters house/my pseudo family and after dinner, drinks, croatian wine, a bottle of champagne and a trip to the general store for more beer and dessert, we decided to leave. one sober driver, with the girls in one car and me in the other truck. say our good byes and fire up the truck, turn on the scanner and it instantly lites up...

"i'm letting two cars through, clear?"
"go ahead, i have one waiting..."
"fire is in rout and CHP is standing by."
"copy, sending cars through, last is a gold taurus..."

i flash my lights at cheese, but she is already gone. i dont want to hammer down the highway, my scanner only goes two miles and it doesnt sound like a check point. more like an accident. my fuel light is on and i pull over at the last gas and insert the card. cheese pulls up from the opposite direction and says:

"there is an accident ahead, i dont want to go first."
"i know, i heard it on the scanner."

i pump gas and we head north. four door volvo and a green mustang. i know both these cars. the last one is also someone i know, but he is parked on the side, looks like he saw what happened and is doing the witness thing. the one car involved makes my skin crawl, i turn cold and pull over just out of sight of the accident. cheese pulls up behind me.

"did you see those cars? the mustang looks like denims!?!"
"i didn't get a good look, what do you want to do? do you want to try and call him?"
"lemme get around the corner, i'll try him."
"let me know!"

in big sur we don't get a lot of cell phone reception, but as a "local" we know where it comes in and out. i call. ring, ring, ring, ring, machine... i call again, ring, ring, ring, ring, machine. i leave a convoluted message. and say to my self, fuck. dude, dont fuck with me.... hoping i think...get off your girlfriend and answer the fucking phone!!! i call again, ring, ring, beep beep... (i recieve a text message...)

"at a show."

fuck yah! i get a sweat and pump my fist into the steering wheel! call cheese give her the news and do the speed limit home.

here is the problem with all of this. had it been my brotherly friend, i would not have been able to pull over and help, i could not have turned around and made a bit of difference in the seemingly morbid situation. fact of the matter is, (if anyone was paying attention to the begining of the post, we'd been drinking all afternoon, well i had been.) perfectly able to rescue a drowning man from a raging river, able to leap small buildings in a single bound, but talk to a cop without blowing a .12? forget it!
what scared me most was that if it had been my buddy (yah you fuck!) i could not have pulled over for you. i could not have done a god damn thing for you right then, there or that minute.

wanna know what fear is for me? being helpless in a situation. im sorry.. i feel this way often...

5 comments:

Kay said...

I'm glad it wasn't your buddy. I understand your helplessness. It's the worst feeling in the world. MarkyMark and most of my family are all in fucking Washington, my little bro's up in fucking Montana, so when anything goes wrong, if they have a bad day, I can't do shit. Can't give them a hug. I can call them and tell them I love em, but I feel so fucking helpless and worthless. It is absolutely terrifying to be helpless when the bad shit goes down.

Black Egg said...

Yes, glad that wasn't your bud. It's fucking scary how things have the potential to flip like a switch. Be steady and easy, man. I'm glad you're safe.

FirstNations said...

been there, boy. first at the scene of a multiple fatality motorcycle crash and I had my baby in the truck. who do you help? what can you do? so i parked my truck sideways across two lanes of traffic with my kid on the lee side and hoped like hell my insurance was paid up. meanwhile people are breathing their last 4 feet away from me.

Anonymous said...

i'm okay!! sorry to startle you homie, just another reason to get rid of that POS eh?

we saw the tire on our way home on sunday.

denim

INNER VOICES said...

thank you everyone for your comments and feedback, it was a wicked scene and looked nasty. the scanner sems to be a good thing and a scary one. on one hand it was nice to know what was happening but also it sometimes gives out a lot of gruesom information...