FEAR FOR ME

here is something that just rocked my evening. i'll try and set it up quickly, since its a sleep over night and we are trying to put the girls down shortly. and i'll try and brain wave the rest of the story to you all using e.s.p. so we voluteered at a local comunity event today, after party at one of the event coordinaters house/my pseudo family and after dinner, drinks, croatian wine, a bottle of champagne and a trip to the general store for more beer and dessert, we decided to leave. one sober driver, with the girls in one car and me in the other truck. say our good byes and fire up the truck, turn on the scanner and it instantly lites up...

"i'm letting two cars through, clear?"
"go ahead, i have one waiting..."
"fire is in rout and CHP is standing by."
"copy, sending cars through, last is a gold taurus..."

i flash my lights at cheese, but she is already gone. i dont want to hammer down the highway, my scanner only goes two miles and it doesnt sound like a check point. more like an accident. my fuel light is on and i pull over at the last gas and insert the card. cheese pulls up from the opposite direction and says:

"there is an accident ahead, i dont want to go first."
"i know, i heard it on the scanner."

i pump gas and we head north. four door volvo and a green mustang. i know both these cars. the last one is also someone i know, but he is parked on the side, looks like he saw what happened and is doing the witness thing. the one car involved makes my skin crawl, i turn cold and pull over just out of sight of the accident. cheese pulls up behind me.

"did you see those cars? the mustang looks like denims!?!"
"i didn't get a good look, what do you want to do? do you want to try and call him?"
"lemme get around the corner, i'll try him."
"let me know!"

in big sur we don't get a lot of cell phone reception, but as a "local" we know where it comes in and out. i call. ring, ring, ring, ring, machine... i call again, ring, ring, ring, ring, machine. i leave a convoluted message. and say to my self, fuck. dude, dont fuck with me.... hoping i think...get off your girlfriend and answer the fucking phone!!! i call again, ring, ring, beep beep... (i recieve a text message...)

"at a show."

fuck yah! i get a sweat and pump my fist into the steering wheel! call cheese give her the news and do the speed limit home.

here is the problem with all of this. had it been my brotherly friend, i would not have been able to pull over and help, i could not have turned around and made a bit of difference in the seemingly morbid situation. fact of the matter is, (if anyone was paying attention to the begining of the post, we'd been drinking all afternoon, well i had been.) perfectly able to rescue a drowning man from a raging river, able to leap small buildings in a single bound, but talk to a cop without blowing a .12? forget it!
what scared me most was that if it had been my buddy (yah you fuck!) i could not have pulled over for you. i could not have done a god damn thing for you right then, there or that minute.

wanna know what fear is for me? being helpless in a situation. im sorry.. i feel this way often...