Wednesday, August 20, 2008

broken among other things....


this past couple of months I've been working on a big project. i took it on to show myself i could do it, show the company i could do it and to justify taking some time off and ask for a raise four years in the making... its broken me. everything was going along according to my mental schedule.
transmission out and delivered to rebuild store. check.
engine torn down and parts ordered. check
engine rebuild and trans pick up. check.
huge life changing town altering fire... uh... check?
three weeks behind schedule but still within budget. check
trans install and test. check.
remove and rebuild main boom cylinder. not only check but done in record time and for next to nothing. fucking check baby.

at this point I'm two and a half weeks behind schedule, but sixteen thousand dollars under the cheapest bid to farm out the work and right on the mark for the money i budgeted... then everything goes awry.

test hydraulic system and replace final panel. no check. engine fails to maintain rpms during relief valve operation.
tear down hydraulic system for second inspection. ugh check..
tear down upper engine for second time to see if we did anything wrong. yes, nothing wrong and check.
restart and retest. complete system failure during over center valve operation. no check.
tear down slewing ring and tower hydraulics.
retest. still not able to put a check mark in my imaginary box....


this was three weeks ago. i have torn down and rebuilt everything twice now and exhausted every mechanical mind i can bend with what the fuck my problem would be... two nights ago i had a dream of the solution. i was excited to come to work and fix it. i knew i had finally stumbled upon the answer. i was confident enough to tell the bosses id have it fixed that day.

i spent yesterday doing absolutely nothing productive. my dream had failed me. it was not the problem. i failed again... and people noticed. it killed me. i left work choked up. two weeks ago i had to pull over on the side of the road and weep. i have NEVER not been able to fix something mechanical. given enough time i could build you a fucking space shuttle...

this morning i come in and the boss pulls me aside and says...
"dude, you've put your time in with this machine. let it go. we will help you find someone who can fix it. "
"i know I'm close, if you find out everything the problem is not, there is only one thing it could be... I'm right there..." my eyes well up.
"leave it be man. park it, move on... thank you for everything you've done, we need you not to stress out about this anymore. we need you back."


this part was edited out for the fact that it felt like a poor me thing and was only written in subconsciously at the time... thank you for all who commented on this portion of the post and most sincerely appreciate your words... other than that i've let the damn crane go and will be parking later this afternoon... its Wednesday and ive just given seven hundred dollars to a buddy to pick me up a fancy rifle at the gun show... i'll feel better turning rats into vapor at three hundred yards next week...

21 comments:

Random Chick said...

That's tragic about your Mom. My Mom has tried to kill herself so many times...she's still with us though.

Dude, you can fix anything. Can't you?

BEAST said...

Aww your poor Ma ....course she knows yuo love her.

You got me stressing about the engine now......WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE DARN THING

denim said...

shitballs.

sorry homes.

That Guy said...

Sorry man...shit.

You're good at what you do because of the exact drive that's got you all laser-tunnel-visioned. Let your boss shake you free. Fuck it man. Learn. When you're really, really good at something, the next level is always a lot harder to get to.

Suzanne said...

Your Mom loves you. I'm sure of that. And where ever she is, I'm confident she heard you. I'm sorry Zack.

If you're unwilling to let the engine go, I'll put you in touch with my dad. He's a genius mechanic (not that you aren't ~ I'm wondering if it's a malfunctioning part?), as you know, and will assist you with anything if I ask. I'm serious because the two of you would be perfect together! I told him about you months ago and the fact you remind me of him, without the porn of course. He stared to laugh, then really laugh and I said "Daddy, if you share the same proclivity don't utter a single fucking work." He didn't stop laughing for quite some time. Not funny. That's my dad! In any event, if you want the help it's available. Just contact RC and she'll give you my email and I'll give you Dad's phone number. But you must agree to not repeat anything Dad says on this blog, cuz I'd be screwed on mine! Why? Because Dad's not only smart, he's really, really wacky and funny! Good luck with that! Let me know if you would like to discuss the engine with him even if it's been turned over to someone else. Sometimes just bouncing ideas off someone else helps. It doesn't sound as if you did anything wrong. It sounds as if a part was malfunctioning. Perfect example. When we had the BMW and it went belly up at the park, a part was replaced. The same thing happened the next day and I had to be towed again. The part was replaced again and the car was absolutely fine. Then I rear ended the mustang. Go figure. Damn! See, it was just the part, not the mechanic.

Have hope. And do get ahold of me if you want to talk to Dad.

XO Suze

just bob said...

I'm obviously not the best person to comment, but good luck with it man.

That Guy said...

Now that's the Z we know and love. And by love, I mean...I think you KNOW what that means.

INNER VOICES said...

random... thank you for the kind words and apparently i can not fix anything... (i have a suspicion it may be something that i might not have done....)

beasty, thank you as well with the words of comfort. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IT IS IVE DONE TO RENDER THIS MACHINE USELESS!!! ah, sorry... mj said i should use more capital letters... hahahahaaaa... thanks for the comment!

denim... cock.... no worries man, as we all know shit happens...

that guy! yeah man... this is the dream we all live in eh?

suz... thanks for the offer. thing of it is we rebuilt the engine and transmission and the one double stage hydro pump and the three stage high pressure pump. the main boom cylinder and welder up the tower... individually there is nothing wrong with any of these systems... gahhh... thanks for your words as well...

just bob... no worries man... love seeing you here on the voices detour through life! i'm stoked you delurked all those many months ago... commenting of yours is approved.

that guy... ahh no i still wont kiss you. if that what you are inferring. not again anyway!!!

That Guy said...

Oh, then forget it.

INNER VOICES said...

that guy... wait what?! *stands puzzled looking around. checks to see if his zipper is down*


oh now i remember... *puts pipe back into pocket*


perhaps we should have some shots beforehand to um "loosen us up"... heh heh.

denim said...

i got a big one on my roof you can shoot at. reminds me of the blue house.

ahhhh, the mammories. err...

Walker said...

Sometimes things are not broken, they just don't work.
I know first hand about this because i have pulled my hair out on numerous occations in frustration because of it.

Have fun vapourizing rats, I killed all the ones around here and now it's to damn quiet.

Leah said...

Well, I'm really out of the loop, but here I am late with nothing to say but...so sorry Z...



and, what kind of rifle? Just interested...

Suzanne said...

Even rats deserve a life.

And the offer with Dad still stands. Any time. Hang in there and while you're at it, it's Jo's birthday over at the Cafe. Stop by and crab (I mean grab) a lot of stuff. I finally got the post up. I'm exhausted!

XO Love you

Queen Goob said...

It sucks when something's broke and you KNOW you can fix it. Sucks the BIG DONKEY DICK. As you know I've been outta the loop. Off to bed in a min but wanted to stop and say hey before I crash. Don't understand about your mom as stuff was edited out before I got here but just remember, through bad times and worse, we're always here for you. We love ya, man.

And tell "that guy" to put it back in his pants, you're not kissing ANYthing.


Yeah, whatcha shootin'? My son just recently added to his collection.....I am SO PROUD to call him my son.

MJ said...

"given enough time i could build you a fucking space shuttle..."

Okay then Mr. I-Can-Fix-Anything.

My TARDIS just landed in First Nations' yard.

Do you think you can fix it and get it back on track to Canada?

INNER VOICES said...

*busying himself with the broken joy stick in mjs tardis. installs beer holder at the controls so mj doesnt spill her drink on it again. finds hello kitty vibrator on floor inscribed "to mj from random chic" and leaves it there.*


the rifle im hoping shows up on sunday will be a .300 win ultra mag... (not a short mag) if he is not absolutely satisfied with the gun he has an 8mm mag set aside for me. that makes it a .323 almost... if an elephant was holding the 8mm mag and pointing it at a hunter it would knock the elephant over... if that isnt the "perfect purchace" (it is a gun show, none the less) than ive talked to a dealer who has a .338 there on standby for me.... plan a, b, c... one must be prepared in life....



denim.. blue house... funny i never killed that upstairs neighbor...



i will be back tomorrow to anser backsie everyone else.

Daisy said...

i was not around to see the bottom portion however reading the frustration and continued trying to solve the problem brought up frustrating experiences i've had and i have never been able to let them loose...even when they went to someone else...and those dream solutions really freaking suck because they are always wrong but seem so right...i feel for you...

MJ said...

Beer holder?

I need a BOTTLE holder!

INNER VOICES said...

walker, i like that... "hey man, its not broken, it just doesnt work..." im gonna use that one later today!!

leah, never need to be sorry here!!

suzanne, yes everything deserves to live and die by the sword... ummm wait that was a movie wasnt it? but if nothing ever died before its time then there would be a lot more of everything on the planet no?

goob! hahahaaa, thanks for the words and yeah "that guy" should keep it in his pants... we wouldnt want a bunch of "those guys" getting loose...

daisy!!! thank you very much... quite frustrating indeed. im glad the weeks almost over... and its payday!

INNER VOICES said...

everyone should comment over at that guys blog.. perhaps he will post more. he seemed to erase the posts he had up before. i erased my comments there because he is a neighbor here in the sur and has friends that were commenting there as well from our town... someone can tell him to allow anon comments. then we could all comment there and leave dirty messages.