Wednesday, August 20, 2008
broken among other things....
this past couple of months I've been working on a big project. i took it on to show myself i could do it, show the company i could do it and to justify taking some time off and ask for a raise four years in the making... its broken me. everything was going along according to my mental schedule.
transmission out and delivered to rebuild store. check.
engine torn down and parts ordered. check
engine rebuild and trans pick up. check.
huge life changing town altering fire... uh... check?
three weeks behind schedule but still within budget. check
trans install and test. check.
remove and rebuild main boom cylinder. not only check but done in record time and for next to nothing. fucking check baby.
at this point I'm two and a half weeks behind schedule, but sixteen thousand dollars under the cheapest bid to farm out the work and right on the mark for the money i budgeted... then everything goes awry.
test hydraulic system and replace final panel. no check. engine fails to maintain rpms during relief valve operation.
tear down hydraulic system for second inspection. ugh check..
tear down upper engine for second time to see if we did anything wrong. yes, nothing wrong and check.
restart and retest. complete system failure during over center valve operation. no check.
tear down slewing ring and tower hydraulics.
retest. still not able to put a check mark in my imaginary box....
this was three weeks ago. i have torn down and rebuilt everything twice now and exhausted every mechanical mind i can bend with what the fuck my problem would be... two nights ago i had a dream of the solution. i was excited to come to work and fix it. i knew i had finally stumbled upon the answer. i was confident enough to tell the bosses id have it fixed that day.
i spent yesterday doing absolutely nothing productive. my dream had failed me. it was not the problem. i failed again... and people noticed. it killed me. i left work choked up. two weeks ago i had to pull over on the side of the road and weep. i have NEVER not been able to fix something mechanical. given enough time i could build you a fucking space shuttle...
this morning i come in and the boss pulls me aside and says...
"dude, you've put your time in with this machine. let it go. we will help you find someone who can fix it. "
"i know I'm close, if you find out everything the problem is not, there is only one thing it could be... I'm right there..." my eyes well up.
"leave it be man. park it, move on... thank you for everything you've done, we need you not to stress out about this anymore. we need you back."
this part was edited out for the fact that it felt like a poor me thing and was only written in subconsciously at the time... thank you for all who commented on this portion of the post and most sincerely appreciate your words... other than that i've let the damn crane go and will be parking later this afternoon... its Wednesday and ive just given seven hundred dollars to a buddy to pick me up a fancy rifle at the gun show... i'll feel better turning rats into vapor at three hundred yards next week...