Friday, August 22, 2008

wedding piss--- err.. bliss

a friend of mine is getting marred in mid October... i mean married. i just got the (whatever the fuck you wanna call it) wedding invite on Tuesday. standard packaging with little RSVP envelopes and bits of fancy paper and shit. i start reading the invite and it goes as follows...

so and so what you to join them IN THEIR LONG AWAITED EXCHANGE OF VOWS...
sounds pretty bitchy to me...
at such and such a place. THIS IS YOUR FIRST AND LAST CHANCE TO RSVP BY SEPT. 1ST.
what? fuck you... my RSVP envelope doesn't even have a stamp on it! bitchy fucking stupi---

my bad, its their wedding and they can say what ever the hell they want eh?
also included in the invite package was a little card saying where they were registered. Macy's... with a typed note saying that this is where they would like us to shop for their wedding gifts. um, okay... do they sell condoms at Macy's... cause if you guys breed any more fucking Little bitches like her---

whoops there i go again, its yer wedding and i guess you can request/demand where i may choose to shop for your gifts.

also included in the package of doom, errr... wedding invitation was another slip of paper which said, instead of a gift we can also give them money for their bonvoyage box to help with their travel plans for their honey moon. but it should be a one or the other ... WTF??? what if i buy him a hatchet so that two years from now he has something to hack you to pieces with so its easier to bury your fucking ass---

dangit, there i go again... i guess like any other good American you should start you lives off in massive debt by having a wedding and honeymoon you cant afford... its all up to you both i suppose...

I'm looking for a way to reply to this invite. so if anyone has any ideas of an equal and smarmy response... feel free to lay your ideas down in the comment box!!! have a great Friday all!!!

29 comments:

shelaghayan said...

When you RSVP no, you should send an invoice for the cost of the return postage.

Not feeling particularly bitchy or witty today. I'm still wondering what I said to cheese on the phone last night... wanna elucidate me?

INNER VOICES said...

sorry i only elucidate when im at home alone... errr... yeah that.


heh heh, i had an interesting conversation with yer mum this morning about it though...

shelaghayan said...

WHAT?!?
...what?

I think my heart just stopped. Second-hand information to my mother is never a good thing.

Okay, it was: visit in September? Wedding? Babies?

All inocuous enough, right? Dammit, Zack, don't fucking ruin my Friday. Fill me in!

shelaghayan said...

WHAT?!?
...what?

I think my heart just stopped. Second-hand information to my mother is never a good thing.

Okay, it was: visit in September? Wedding? Babies?

All inocuous enough, right? Dammit, Zack, don't fucking ruin my Friday. Fill me in!

denim said...

i was wondering if i was going to receive one of those invites. i think i know who you are talking about, your descriptions are... well... descriptive. sept 1 isn't very far away, must not want many people to show up.

INNER VOICES said...

she she... just fucking with girl!!!!


hahahahahahaaaaa......



ahahahahahahahahaa....



denim... yeah, when you get back back i'll show it to you... laughs... any ideas on my reply?!?!?

That Guy said...

Why pick a fight you fucker? (Oh yeah, don't answer that) Just say I'll be there with Cheese. No more no less. You talk of being the better man (or do you??? he!)Well, that's the kind of thing better men do. I hear.

I thought everything you thought upon receiving that thing. What got me most was the "this is your first and last NOTICE TO APPEAR." Sounds like we just got served a supoena!

INNER VOICES said...

that guy, yer no fun... i have the most fun hanging out with them... i call his soon to be wife by his moms name... oooo... you just see the hair on her back ruff up!!! i thought id write in zack plus twelve guests... i dunno. ive known these fuckers for a long time and embarrassing my self in front of them is what i do man... people think that its "their" day when they get married. fraid not. its their day to show their love for one another in front of crowds of people. friends, family, loved ones, etc... ive been to many weddings and been a part of them as well.. never ruined any, but always made it exciting... for b-hams i jumped in the shower with him the morning of the event and helped him get cleaned up beforehand... remember how small his shower used to be? we didnt have room to drop the soap! hahahahahaaa....

i fell like you want me to be the better man, and you might think that i have some evil intent or am bent out of shape im not on the chump trip to mexico. i have none of these interests in mind. and as always wish my friends the best...

with all that said, SOMEONE should have a decent reply to such an invitation, even if its only slightly sarcastic. who better to do so than... you perhaps...

That Guy said...

That's why I said "don't answer that" you milky licker! You described the Z we know and. . . . . . . fine, love. It's just fun to "tie zip ties to YOUR drive shaft" every once in a while! Ha!

I RSVPed (which stands for responde seafood plate) with a nice little note and a glittery sticker with google eyes a cheery "yes, thank you. One please."

Not really.

Mr. Shife said...

Thug Life. Sorry. I just watched Pineapple Express. I do believe you had quite a few good suggestions on a previous post about revenge. You know the gay black porn video links. Why do I only remember that one? Hmmmm. I really don't want to know what goes in this head of mine.
Anyway I think you should find out when the gal is having her bachelorette party and invite over some entertainment to liven things up. Or maybe just take a dump on the hood of her car.

catscratch said...

When I joined hell, I mean got married, we had a website and that website was listed on the RSVP card.

All a body had to do was clicky clicky and it was all done.

Anyways, I'd not RSVP and show up anyway just for them being so rude as not to include a SASE for guests to use...
But that's just me. I'm a party crasher.

Walker said...

The dreaded wedding invite and the registry crap.
I have a wedding to go to on the 27th of Sept my self.

I have come up with a formula to how much I should spend on their gift in accordance to what they put me through.

I figure that i have to stand in a hot, two hot churches.
They couldn't decide if to get married in an Orthodox Church or a Catholic one so they will go to both.
Then have to listen to speeches from god knows how many people that don't have anyhing to say that I'd care to hear.

After all of that I got to force feed myself a redicoulous amonth of food that will take a month to find it's way out of my system.

So I figure I could drink $450 worth of booze but they are putting me through two churches and the speeches.
The dinner I will give them a by for only because of the dessert.

So that's $450/3=$150 and that's all they get

I should charge them for the hang over.

INNER VOICES said...

that guy, smooch, smooch, smooch... whats that ass smell all of a sudden!!! hahahahahaaaa... good on you man. *checks truck for zip tie attachments and tires for nails* i'll see you there with beers on!!! we will be hanging round the house if you feel the need to bleed... err... wait, thats not how it goes, is it?

mr.s hife... a dump on the hood indeed!!! *rubs hands together thinking of fun times for car hoods*

catscratch! im with you on that one! i feel though since they/she actually took the time out of her life to send me an invite i should take the time to return it! thats it!!! i could carefully seal the envelope back up and write "return to sender" on it with my acceptance of their request of my royal presents!!!

get it?!? presents? *charmed with self for his wittiness*

walker... nice equation abilities... hmmm... yer right on that one... i'll use those numbers myself... *wonders if he can buy just one steak knife or lid to food processor only*

That Guy said...

just trying to post a picture.how?

INNER VOICES said...

yeah its a pain in the ass... if yer html savy you can put a link in a comment box... there is a website called tinyurl.com that you can type it into and post it as a link in the comment box. i dont think ive ever seen a pic in a comment box though...

That Guy said...

Cool. Thanks man.

RI @ 5, yo?

oakland heidi said...

I just want to honeymoon and have a kitchen-aide.

F the whole pomp and circumstance.

Says the girl who reads wedding magazines morning noon and night.

INNER VOICES said...

that guy... yeah sounds great!!


oakland, i know a girl who started putting together her wedding wish list album when she was a child. when she got married she was still adding to it!!! have a great day!!

Anonymous said...

If youre a smart coookie you will never get married...
I speak from experience. I love Z tons but would never subject him to THAT! Don't do it don't do it... I know the prospect of free stuff sounds good, but it's not worth it trust me.
Love is good, love is pure, no need to get it all mixed up with paperwork and needless shit! As my dad and I have both decided, marriage is not for us! Here, here! *now we tip our glasses to everlastinfg love and affection. ...and if not, good memories and a clean slate*
-cheese

Megan said...

I didn't look at any of the comments so if this is a repeat just ignoooore ---

'Member they are paying like minimum sixty bucks for your not-so-good chicken dinner if you do show up plus the dj and the space the and flowers and the photographer etc. etc. so the least you can do is buy them a damn plate?

I dunno. Doesn't seem much to me for a night of dancing?

Megan said...

"the and flowers" - oh that's just great for my first comment here.

MJ said...

Email them the link to this blog posting.

just bob said...

Macy's doesn't sell condoms.

FirstNations said...

send a polite reply, but get a very angry child with poor handwriting to write it for you in crayon. have same hand addo the envelope. give them some sleepless nights worrying about which Z is going to show up...nice z, good z, bad z or....DEATHGAR SON OF Z ??????

Leah said...

That's total crap. I like my sister's style of wedding --justice of the peace at Manhattan City Hall, and afterwards a bum took a picture of her and her husband. It's a really nice wedding picture, no kidding. Then we had dim sum.

"two will attend--can't wait!" then give them a Wal-Mart gift card. Serves them right.

Robyn said...

Wait?! Did I just see Mr.Shife up in here?! Right the fuck on...!
Oops sorry IV...I love ya too dear! Ok...can I just say that photo was to be burned years ago...well that happened to me a while ago...almost the same way! Thank god I have great breasts...lol!

Well, come by and check out my last post for the mystery trip! A bit late but better late than never I say! LOL!
Many hugs!

Daisy said...

i have a friend marrying in october as well...except they aren't really pretentious about it...they called and told me...ask me to come if i could (been waiting for 2 years for this event)...and they aren't registered as all they want is the company of their friends...i offered to pay for a honeymoon for them, as they don't have a lot of money and the response was...if i could just look after their children for the night, they would be home the next day but didn't want me paying for some trip when all they needed was the night together...i have pretty much gotten rid of people in my life who do it a different way...usually by not attending the wedding and not getting the gift they selected...i go to spensors and get them some smart ass thing and move on...

INNER VOICES said...

your comments are all awesome!! i'll be back to them soon i promise...

*wonders when he will get back to them*

INNER VOICES said...

cheese... married me no??? you?!?!

megan! welcome to the voices!! and harassing me right out of the gates?!? good on you... the wedding is at a friends house and the meal will most definitely involve bbq, which im sure i will be manning at some point. but i'll have something nice from the gun store for them as a gift... hahahaaa...

mj, yeah... no.

just bob... are you sure they dont have any designer condoms down in the bedroom set collection? dang...

firsty! now we are talking... *wonders which child to piss off before making them write a return letter*

leah... man, everyone wants me to be so nice... guess i'll have to suck it up and get them that plastic pink flamingo lawn furniture set i saw at k-mart.

robyn, i thought that might have been your flicker account i poached the photo from!!!

daisy, sometimes the most simple things in life are the most appreciated! *dreams of weekend off at home with ice cold beer and techno music in the background*

inner voices, you are the fucking man yo!! always saying nice things to your readers and shit.. i wish i could be more like you...