Monday, December 17, 2007


WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? the weekend blasted by with a fierce quickness, if we weren't in a hurry to do anything this weekend, we weren't doing it. i cant even remember what we did on Friday.... lets see, i went to work... cheeses daughter rolled up after school.... drove home, blank....

so i guess I'll start with Saturday... woke up grouchy as fuck, toilet started leaking from the base... all ways a pleasant surprise. fixed the turkey pen, again. i swear I'm gonna kill something! clean house a little, and blasted off to the white elephant party. arrived and was instantly greeted with cold beer, baked brie, shrimp and oyster stuffed mushrooms, homemade pate and bread crisps, a slew of other home made appies and the smell of smoked BBQ chicken and tri-tip! kids running around everywhere and a house filled with gifts and surprises for all! ate a huge meal, and settled into a round of elephant madness!

at first it seemed to be going bad, gifts no one wanted to steal and one really annoying/ungrateful person. (i was sitting behind her and wanted to whack her upside the head, if i wouldn't have thought she could kick my ass i would of!) then things started heating up! one of the gifts i brought stated to become very popular! and every time some one stole it, it was thinned out a little. (fucking people kept pinching out of the bag!) and the other gift i brought (which was initially thought as lame, a can of fix a flat.) started being traded/stolen regularly! someone brought a "i love my penis!" car air freshener. (cheese ended up with that!) but the most unexpected popular gift was an oldish fire hydrant from San Francisco. it kept going round and round. i wanted it bad! cheese was helping to steal back and forth with two other couples who wanted it bad! half an hour of back and forth with the hydrant, people claiming final victory, only to be stolen once again by another unbelievable player in the game.

the man who ended up with it, is moving to Wyoming to build a western saloon. it will be a fixture there he claims. unfortunately in my half-drunken, food coma stage; i bartered with the man who brought it to give me one as well. it sounded like a good idea at the time, but now I've shook hands for an identical hydrant at way above its playful value...

*banging self in forehead*
"stupid, stupid, stupid.....

drove home, close to midnight and passed the fuck out!

next morning was all about pancakes and home grown eggs, cups of coffee and another day spent grouchy. what a jack ass. picked up cheeses older daughter, who spent the night at the party with friends, and drove up to Santa Cruz.

tried to be very subversive while picking out motor-cycling stuff for me and get sizes for helmet and boots for her young one.

"here try this helmet on."


"well, you need to wear one when you are on the back of my quad..."

"oh, okay..."

she was blitzed, too many Hansen's sodas and cookies the night before. so, we might have pulled off the ruse. we will see. I'm nervous about it all.

drove back to town and bought a Christmas's tree. its perfect, not big, not tiny, but just right. did i mention i fucking hate holidayz? all this stress and fuss, before you know it, its over, your broke and the dog has pissed on the tree for the tenth time and is chewing on your new slippers...

bah fucking hum bug to you too!!!

put the girls down early and passed the fuck out. cheese stayed awake and wrapped Christmas gifts, just before she hits the sack i spring from my coma and leapt from our bed and freaked the fuck out. our dogs are barking like mad and i think i hear coyotes barking up at our chicken coops! throw on some shorts and a jacket, sneakers with no socks, grab the shot gun and run out into the beginning of the rainstorm. up to the chicken coops and look around with a dying flashlight...


its the neighbors dog barking at another neighbor dog from across the canyon, half a fucking mile away!!! from a dead sleep, i sprang from my bed and into the sprinkling night for this shit?!?!? i wanted to shoot those dogs anyway....

sorry kids must cut this short... got to get to work! back in a while!


Kay said...

Ok, maybe... just maybe I can let you off the hook. You were hella busy this weekend. Just how old are Cheese's girls?

While a fire hydrant sounds good in theory, what are you actually going to do with one? Fix-A-Flat's pretty sweet. I have a can in my truck.

I got kicked off my train of thought, so I'm gonna go...


thanks, i was getting worried i was in big trouble. 9 and 4. i thought the fire hydrant would fucking cool at the top of my drive way, "yeah, drive two miles up the dirt road and make a right at the fire hydrant! then you will be at my house." sounded good. right now i say, " drive two miles up the dirt road and make a right at the sign that says, private property, keep out unless you have really big boobs!"
so im not sure which one sounds better. rather lose my seat on the train then be stuck on the wagon myself....

cher said...

ok, you have turkeys? and chickens? seriously? that fucking rocks. why is the thought of you running out in the middle of the night with shorts, no socks and a shot gun so hot? it must be the shot gun.
hopefully the dog will pee on the hydrant instead of the tree.
i wish the holidays were over already too.

Black Egg said...

Sounds like a fun weekend, the food descriptions are kind of driving me crazy right now, oyster-stuffed mushrooms? YUM. I am still trying to figure out how a white elephant party works, though.

Oh, and hahaha blowjob humor, here's another good one:

Black Egg said...

OK, crap, that whole link didn't post. Just go to

and in their search window enter:

blow job

It'll be the first article on the list, titled "This is the Point in the Blow Job Where I Have to be Careful What I say"

hnter1018 said...

twas the night before the morn
and i was asleep in my bed
yotes in the chicken coop
is what the inner voices said

fumbling for clothes
awaken from where I slept
grabbed the trusty shotgun
from the corner where its kept

running out the door
to the chicken pen
i went screaming
you fucking yotes better not eat my egg laying hen

dying light in one hand
shotgun ready to report
where are the yotes?
I bellowed and snort

I listened in the night
oh what do i hear?
2 dogs talking
one far and one near

I went back to the house
to the awaiting slumber I drift
cheese is giggling
while wrapping the last gift.

Merry xmas IV. Holler when you can


B-egg, check that link of yours we did, very funny! i know its the internet but how did you stumble upon that?

hntr! damn dude man, damn.


cher, yep chickens and A turkey, we are hopeing to get some more. our friends are driving up north to visit family, they might bring us down a few... and running around in the dark half awake and confused? hot? hmmm... are you from newfoundland? hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa. just kidding!

yeah, im ready for christmas already! this weekend we are having another skeet shooting day, comeplete with rednecks, guns, bbq, firepit and motorcycles... thats my kind of sunday!

Black Egg said...

Oh, I'm glad you were able to find the link/story! How did I find it? I look at The Onion at least once a week, it's such an awesome website! Spend some time checking out their archives - so much fantastic and hilarious writing!