Wednesday, September 24, 2008

sorry if i couldnt squeeze yer names in somewhere... i'll try to amend it later!!



i woke up Saturday morning and what did i see?!?! some ugly mother fucker looking back at me..."

it was bollix!!!

...."he said to me, Hey you, you big tall cunt!" I said to him, " Are you'se talking to me, little runt?"

then random walked in...

...and said, "Hey Mother Fucker, I'm one too! Would you like to go to the zoo? Let's go jam with the monkeys and throw some poo!"

all of a sudden hunter was there wearing nothing but a leather mask...

with morning breath and his face in a snear he leans in close to whisper in my ear" HEy liitle buddy last night you were all class, but now get ready 'cause I get to fuck you in the ass.

So put your face in the your pillow and get up on your knees cause if this is your first time it's going to be a tight squeeze.

So I lubed up the torque wrench real good.

But it was the cheap kind from Sears.

(a wrench set from mj for my birthday)

"The cheap ones from Sears tend to rust real bad" (there was a voice in my head, the voice of queen goob) so I hiked it to the shed to borrow from dad.

When I opened up the toolbox what did my wondering eyes see? Handcuffs and whips looking back at me!

and suz standing there in a pink trench coat and whip screaming...

I'm still fixed on Hunter. Jeasus Christ, I had no idea. And to think, I call him "friend." "Hunter, don't come near me! No seriously, don't come near me!!!" Don't make me call 911.

hunter steps out from behind the tool box wearing a leather mask and says...

Suzanne! I was only following directions. HE said to be as disgusting and crass as can be!!!

he drops to his knees and begins begging her please... she replies...

The past few months have been stressful, so this is easy. "Get the fuck away from me."

and locks hunter back in the tool box...

And then I woke up.

What I saw was the stuff of nightmare so exponentially worse, it almost defies description.

there was now another voice, it was the voice of leah, in a new england accent....

The voice in your ear was in fact no dream, and it's there again, this time for real, growling at you and with each growl a gusty breath of decay, intoning in hideous cadence: "Zack, it may be Saturday but you work on Saturdays now and everyone else has been fired, so you must march yourself to your job and do all the repairs and the paperwork, back-ordered and pending, all by yourself in handcuffs while I keep an eye on you with this whip; I'll let you free for five minutes at noon so that you can eat your sandwich and drink your Red Bull."

i look back into the shop and its no longer suz standing there but cecile in leather chaps and bra holding a whip!

A misty haze fell all around, I stumbled from the shed and fell on the ground. My head was a spinning, the air grew stale. I hollered, "Could someone please fetch me an ale." "An ale gosh dern it, any kind will do. No don't bring just one and bring more than two."

17 comments:

Bollix said...

Bravo... very well edited and cobbled together to make an interesting post.

But one thing baffles me. What the fuck was I doing in your bedroom on Saturday morning?

I normally enter through the window, and leave via the back fence (with your electrical appliances) long before you wake up.

Leah said...

Brilliant.

Leah said...

Bollix, I'm going to blush now every time I see your face.

shelaghayan said...

Dude! I love that you posted under "hates dirty bathrooms" because I was actually going to post a message to you last night ranting about why the fuck women have to piss all over toilet seats... That shit (okay, piss) is nasty. If you can't fucking aim, sit the fuck down. Or if you need a bigger target, lift the goddamn toilet seat up... Neurotic bitches.

Okay. good story. I wasn't feeling creative and besides, I got the living shit kicked out of me in soccer. Pain killers!

MJ said...

That Cecile is the dirtiest bitch of the lot.

Bollix said...

Leah: Think of me when you're alone in bed.. just the three of us. You..Me.. and Little Jimmy! ;)

Cecile said...

Oh but I sing like an angel, so that has to count for something, Right?

Suzanne said...

AWESOME!!!!! ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!!!! You crack me up. I'm going to print it out and tack it on my bulletin board. Yes, I'm that impressed.

I also see Leah has made a new friend. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when hubby discovers "Little Jimmy" and the guy attached. And it's nice to see Cece up to her usual shenanigans. She looks hot in leather. Oh, and then there's Hunter. You know I love the man, so I let him out of the tool box, but not before geting a restraining order.

Great stuff. I'm going to go back and read it again because it's too funny to read only 10 times.

;)

Random Chick said...

I think I peed my pants a little when I read this...I was laughing so hard.

Okay, Bolix, every time I say that word (hard) I'm going to think of you, and Cecile in leather pants with a whip.

OMFG!!!

IV, that was classic. I think I need to steal this from you. Keep your pants on! I'll give you credit!

hnter1018 said...

*gasping for air*

Thanks for letting me out of the box Suzanne. I knew you couldn't stay offended forever....you read MJ's blog.

Suzanne said...

Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. I couldn't leave you there cuz I love you too much. You know me. Hate to see anything/anyone suffer. But I'm going to tell you. Don't get near my ass! I'm going to keep an eye on you now buddy. I got to know you a whole hell of a lot better and I'll be honest, not a pretty picture. Don't touch my ass. Okay, you can touch my trench coat. Isn't it pretty? I know, I found it at Just Bob's for about $200. It's all organic cotton. I can even throw it in the washing machine if some drunkin Irish dippy at the Cafe spills something on it. A real deal.

I used to read MJ's blog, but closed my eyes. We were friend when I could find her or read Braille. But then she abandoned me. I offended her. She's never told me why. I think I've narrowed it down to this. I think I said "Are you a man or a woman baby." It's the line from a movie and a joke! That's the only thing I can come up with that might have done the trick. I wasn't serious. Just having fun. If that's it, she took me seriously. Very sad. She use to gross the shit out of me!!! She's a hoot and I still love her. But don't tell her, because she egnores me. Bitch. No really, not a peep from that woman. She's the silent treatment type. Yup, she's pissed. So be it. I'm totally imperfect and will be the first to admit it. You know me! I'm pretty easy to fix, but I can suck sometimes. No, not that! And stay away from my ass dammit. I saw you sneaking up. Knock it off Mister! Swear to God I'm gonna smack you.

Please don't kill anything without further notice.

XO ;)

Walker said...

HA HA HA
That was great.
You got to stop eating spicy food before bedtime.

CSI Seattle said...

Well done. Strange, in a tongue kissing your grandmother sort of way, but well done none the less.

Rock on. The bog is back.

Old Knudsen said...

I once had a dream that my craftsman equipment from Sears worked, it must have been a dream.

Daisy said...

i'm wondering what else you keep in this shed of yours...seems you go there to get what you need...
i had a dream that they changed the locks on the doors at work and if you didn't get a key that opened it, you were fired, my key didn't work so i went home with a smile...layoff start next month...

Queen Goob said...

What's in the shed? Hmmm.....I see a future blog about this with pictures included.

Gosh, I'm sad; I didn't get to don the leather but yet I have the thigh-high stiletto boots and black trench coat for effect.

hangs her head dejectedly and heads to The Wild Onion for a brew Maybe I can get RC to do that Flipper Dolphin Dance for me again.

INNER VOICES said...

first off i just want to say thank you to all the participants who helped create this post and sorry to those who didnt get mentioned in it... yeah, thats just the way the cookie crumbles...

bollix, i was wondering why you were still there so late in the morning, you usally leave me flowers on the pillow and twenty dollars...

leah, no need to blush, bollix will cater to your needs...

she she... funny its been a week of bathroom posting here on the blogosphere... thanks for stopping by! hows those life plans working out these days?!?

mj, youve got to be a tough one to sport the chaps and leather bra look nowadays..

bollix, remeinds me of that song ..."just the two of us, you and i" but substituting two with three... anyways...

cecile, you are an operatic dominatrix in my book!

suz, glad you enjoyed it so much! i was having a little fun at yer expense...thanks for rolling with it!

random!! steal away, im sure it was not an original idea of mine either!!! glad you enjoyed it as much as i did!!

hntr!!! nice mask dude... can i have it back now?!?!

suz, have you hntr made up now???

walker, glad you enjoyed it, i finally put out a post worth peoples time and i didnt even write the bulk of it... *wonders why that is* and better to eat spicy food and wake up next to bollix than drink too much whiskey and wake up next to him... either way im sure my ass would be a hurtin...

csi! welcome back buddy. glad you could make it in time for the show!!!

old knudsen... its all about how you take care of your tools... thanks for the comment!

leah, i hope you make it through the lay offs, although im sure bollix would help you out with the lay downs...

goob, sorry again i didnt get to see you all gussied up in leather and lace... next time for sure...

*locks shed up for the day and hides the key*