Monday, February 25, 2008

edited version of earlier post

I'm gonna round up my posse for a witch hunt

cheese and i went to bed last night with some heavy heads... we are working out this issue that has something to do with her children's potential safety. I'm not sure what i can comfortably talk about, but its really bothering the fucking hell out of me.

its also brought out some odd feelings for me. these aren't my kids, but guess what... when they are around me and we are out, don't be looking sideways at my kids! don't be fucking weirding out around them, near them, whatever... I'll take you the fuck down and have you laying face down in a deep hole before your pants hit yer ankles. don't be some freaky pedo around me. that goes for when I'm not around too. remember these words... FACE DOWN, DEEP HOLE, NO MORE OXYGEN FOR YOU...

now I'm not some over protective dude either..." jump on yer dirt bike! beat it! why don't you hike down to the creek? go to the neighbors house if your bored." (i got over-ruled on that one.) "why don't you build a tree house or something, you know where the power tools are! take the dogs on a walk."

whatever... but whats with people making me feel all protective, enough so that its pissing me off. I'm losing sleep on this shit.... perhaps I'll get the clear from the cheese and can talk about it some more... my bad, really vague, sorry. just needing to vent a little bit this morning... U.P.S. just showed up with my parts and i need to get this anger out on the volumetric batch plants auger hydraulic drive assembly.

edit: i got the go ahead from cheese... here it is!
tell me what you all think of this scenario. months back, cheeses ex, dated a woman for a short while. on the eve of cheeses mother /daughter day in town, the "new girlfriend" takes her to town on a shopping, nails done, see a movie type afternoon. (completely unheard of. i was not permitted to hang solo with the girls for almost a year. until everyone was comfortable. little cheese going to town with dads girlfriend was not a comfortable situation for any of us. why it happened we will never know.)
a short time later the girls dad and his new girlfriend were no more. relationship had run its course and was done. you would think that would be the end of it no? no....
they have been corresponding via email and e-cards since then. weird? recently we have been hearing more and more about this woman. from little cheese and from reading little notes left laying around the house/backpack/pockets/laundry/etc... "my new best friend, i miss her so much, when will i see her again, also etc..."
we had about enough of this last night and did the unspeakable... yep, we cracked the journal open(which was laying open on the couch from the days entry.) gist of it is, she writes how sad and depressed she is about not being able to see her "best friend". how they plan on "meeting up" this Sunday in town for a days activities... with her young son (who she somehow lost custody of. not judging that here, shit happens i know, but its also something to think about.) we tried to access her emails and the like but to no avail.
a phone call to her father revealed that he has not had contact with the woman in quite some time and that their relationship was indeed a brief one. he had also been hearing about this from his young one and was as ready as we were to put and end to this oddity of a friendship.
here is how i see it, i will only speak for my self. what the fuck is a full grown woman doing carrying on a friendship with a nine year old girl? an Internet relationship.
here is what cheese and i both agree on. if these roles were reversed and little cheese was communicating with a man cheese had been involved with for a short stint, the rules would already be in place and the man dealt with promptly.
they have decided that this friendship ends today and little cheese will need to be forth coming with all of the information and details. if it continues on for one more minute past her parents comfort zone i will be politely knocking on her door. i almost want to meet the woman, i could suss her out in a minute and I'm sure she would "understand" very rapidly...
so if yer still reading and care to give me your two cents, id appreciate it!


Cecile said...

Hey, it is perfectly fine to be overprotective of children weather they are biologically yours or not. Children are so wonderfully honest and innocent that it sickens me to hear of something bad happening to any child. I know that I personally would become superwoman and lift a moving train out of the way to protect my boys. I would not even hesitate to take down someone with my bare hands if they endangered my children. So if someone calls you overprotective about the girls, thank them and take it as a compliment.

Anonymous said...

Rant away babe. I want to hear your take.
ps....damn you are so smoking hot when you get all protective of me and the girls.

oakland heidi said...

hmmm. I feel so many things all at once here. Number 1, if at all possible please don't ever ever ever let the little one know you read her diary. I still have trust issues with my mom over her reading my diary and using that information against me. It SUCKS. It happened, you felt it was necessary, but maybe she doesn't need to know that part? I think its important for kids to have a little bit of privacy and sense of expression. You want her to tell you things. You want her to be safe.

As for the relationship: Have you talked with the woman and expressed your feelings of concern? When I was 9 I had a really close friendship with my dad's best friend's girlfriend. Eventually they broke up, but she and I kept in touch. She was an adult woman carrying on a relationship with a kid... and it was totally innocent. She was really cool and ended up being an awesome person in my life. She helped me go to Europe, helped edit my college essays, gave me boy advice, and took me shopping for school clothes. Initially my mom didn't like her that much because she was hot and thought my dad liked her... blah blah blah... but she is now part of our extended family. She had no "reason" to hang out with me, but she did. And I bet there would have been times where I liked her more than anyone else and would have thought of her as "my best friend."

Her intentions may be good?

Maybe this lady is a creep and weird, but there might be more to it.

Just another perspective. You know I love the little cheeses to death.


heidi! you are spot on... i can only abide by what the parental units decide. i also share the diary thoughts. but when you are nine i also believe that there might be a little more guidance needed, not just a free for all with unknown adults to the family? i dunno. and yes you are right i believe we shouldnt tell her we peeked.

i too had much older friends when i was young. some through scouting and others that were through the family. i think if this woman was true and her intentions pure she would have made even a small/tiny effort to contact the mom involved.

"hey, dont think im weird but i would like to continue being in your daughters life and dont want you to feel uneasy, perhaps we can meet?"

you know something like that. i am torn, but with these girls i'd rather error on the side of caution. thanks for your input! give cheese a buzz, she might like to hear another loved ones point of view too. although she reads here regularly. we can call you back on the long distance calling card! love you mucho

Leah said...

I think all the adults here have sussed out the truth--that it's totally inappropriate. It would be different if the little cheese (love that!) were older, like a teenager, and was making well-informed decisions about whom to hang with. I think when three adults all feel it's hinky, it's hinky. I mean, even if it's not profoundly hinky, it's still a no go. It actually sounds like the adults are handling this perfectly--it was a three-way parenting success! I've gotta tell you, I know I'd be pretty pissed myself. Your most salient point is the fact that if the lady were a guy, there would be absolutely no question!

But yeah, I agree with Oakland Heidi on the diary question...


CECILE. i didnt forget about you... thanks for the input as well and being that i probubly still need a parent its hard to tell when im way out in left field about things... thank you for the kudos!

leah! glad yer back. its a tough balance with the complete trusting of childrens judgement it seems. like heidi said you want them to talk to you AND you want them to be safe... im hopeing it was all harmless and with good intent, but i dont think the father wants to have this woman in their lives any more either. thanks for the comment!

Black Egg said...

Personally, I think the woman is using the "friendship" with little C. as a way to stay connected somehow to the ex, l.c.'s dad. From that perspective, it's wrong for her to be contacting her and trying to maintain a "friendship" that barely had a chance to develop before she broke up with the dad. I think you guys DEFINITELY need to talk to her and let her know how you feel. 9 is too young, considering that she really barely had a chance to get to know her. She's responding to the fact that this woman is being her internet buddy and also took her out and did a few fun, frivolous things. I doubt the woman means any harm to l.c., but I am also completely suspicious of her motives for making and maintaining such contact.

p.s. I know I've been totally MIA, sorry 'bout that... wicked busy and staying off the computer these days!

Suzanne said...

I wasn't going to write because I'm not a mom, but I am a daughter, a sister and an aunt (as well as a mom to a lot of fuzzy creatures!) I think I'm brilliant at all of them, although somehow I know my sisters will disagree. I grew up in a family of five girls and three boys with an ultra protective mom. I didn't always agree with her, but learned from an early age to trust my instinct. It rarely lies to or misleads me. It's "the voice" for a reason. Almost like a guardian angel gently pushing you toward the truth. If you feel something is wrong, it generally is, so trust your instinct. If you have doubts, but no concrete evidence, then do a bit more investigating. Effort never hurts.

However, I also agree with Heidi, that a relationship with an older woman can often turn out to be the most productive and wonderful thing in the whole world. She obviously found a mentor and friend for life. Someone who cared about her from a young age and made an effort to help guide her. I thought it was such a beautiful story and an amazing gift to give to one another. But, I also agree with your observation that anyone with pure motives makes an effort to inform the family, so that everyone is on the same page. Unless Little Cheese's parents are horrible and her life is in constant turmoil, I can't imagine an older woman getting involved behind the scene, so that of course sends up a red flag to me. But I could be wrong. It could be pink! (Please, I had to.) My suggestion is to do a bit more talking than not. Rather than just cut Little Cheese off from her older friend, perhaps mom, dad, you and Little Cheese should all gather with Dad's X and discuss what's going on. It could be so innocent. How will you know if you don't make an effort to learn? And if you make the wrong choice with disinformation or not enough information, how will you justify your decision? If you simply end the relationship, you will hurt Little Cheese for a very long time because dad's X has obviously become a dear friend. As adults, it's up to you to be a adults. Think, confer, mull it over, debate...don't have a knee-jerk reaction just to feel like the adult. Little Cheese has made a choice, it may not be the right one, but who's to say it's the wrong one? Why not just ask her? I think a bit more effort is warrented and required.

The diary. I don't know what to say. You violated her trust, but had to for a reason. Everyone is advocating lying. That is a tough moral dilemma. I know it's less painful to lie (for everyone involved), but it's also dishonest. I'm sure every single one of us here has trust issues because somewhere in our lives our trust was violated. Does anyone escape? In my opinion it's one of the Top 10 Life Lessons: Trust will be violated. I advocate telling her the truth only because times are so different then when most of us were in grade school, high school, college. My face is buried firmly in both hands. Do I believe that? It's a hard question. I'm not Little Cheese's parent and I'm grateful I don't have to wrestle with the question. I realize I simply don't know that answer so can't even pretend I do. You'll have to wrestle with your own hearts on this one.

I'm not sure this helped you, but it helped me define what I think! Please feel free to tell me I'm wrong!

Good luck to you and Cheese. (I can't believe she's "Anonymous!" I knew I was commin' here for some damn reason! I now know the secret. In addition to everything else, you're also "hot?" Go figure. Good Lord...that can't be true. Okay, I'll suspend my disbelief just cuz you're sorta precious and because I trust Anonymous (aka Cheese). Please excuse me...Anonymous, I can't believe you're Cheese! That is too damn funny. You must be one hell of a woman to put up with all of this!!! Glad to finally met you!

Until next time,
I didn't have time to proof, please excuse all mistakes. I'm only human.

Suzanne said...

Well, I'm also happy to "meet" you!

Cecile said...

Well, from one over protective parent to another, I'm not sure I would feel comfortable allowing my 9 year old to have an email account I cannot access.

As for the relationship... I think I would be trying to find out how or why the woman lost her kids. Why did dad break up with the woman? What issues does he see in her? Does he believe she is dangerous? I know I would not allow Cheesett to go out alone with this woman. If she lost custody of her own child, she may be looking for a replacment child. This world is so weird, don't trust her. I know you all will make the right decision. You sound pretty grounded, and you seem to be wonderful parents and role models. Good luck with the situation.

Cheese, parenting is hard, but from what I am reading, you seem to be doing a wonderful job with both your daughter and your boyfriend. Way to go girl.

And Voices,
You amaze me everyday. I enjoy coming here and learning more and more about you. You truly are a compasionate person, and I believe that is why so many of us are loyal listener to your inner voice.
Thanks for trusting all of us with glimpses into your life and for reaching out to us for help with one of lifes little problems. I feel honored.


begg!!! fuck yeah! you are back! hope all is well and you are not being held captive by aliens or something. thank you for the comment, i too had that thought that she might be trying to stay "in touch" through little cheese. if thats the case then hopefully he can nip that in the butt... missing you on here otherwise!

suzanne, thank you too for your thoughts on the matter. although honesty is always the best policy, its sometimes neccesary to engage in selective honesty with children. if kids were told everything that adults know, then they wouldnt be kids anymore... theyd be jaded little people... but honesty is the policy at our house and we 99% of the time abide by it. i think cheese will be making an apperance here at some point to thank you all as well for the thoughts and wishes...

cecile, its a tough one isnt it. we try to give her girls all the space and privacy they can have, but this situation sits a little sour. and being that cheese and the dad dont talk all that much its hard to sometimes know "exactly" whats going on. thank you for the kudos and yer making me blush... your welcome here any time!

Suzanne said...

You are correct my dear. I don't think the world would be better with "Jaded Little People."

I like the colletive wisdom on this page. Lots of smart, thoughtful people. I wish I had kids.

Much love to you and Ms. C.



suzanne, cool... kids are great. most times... and little jaded people running all around doesnt sound like fun?

cher said...

ok, considering how long it is taking me to catch up on your blog, forgive me if i don't read all these comments and repeat some things said already.

my opinion... kill the bitch.

so what became of this? did you ever hear from this woman again? did she get confronted? how is cheese jr? very very touchy issue hey? i feel for you. and i feel for the little girl who probably just doesn't understand the inappropriateness of it all.


thanks, we get the girls back tomorrow. like i said, there isnt that much contact other then the "what time and where" comunication between the parents. so i think when we get the girls back she will sit down and get the full story... thanks for the thoughtssssssss. its good we canadians think alike eh?

cher said...

take off eh? you hoser.


kay says they have kokanee over in her area... twas my fav. i wonder though... if they americanize it? like they do in canada with budweiser? oh and isnt kay the fucking bomb!?!